London 2012 team: “Only one stabbing in Beijing – that won’t be difficult to beat!”

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate.

"Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings."

Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history.

"There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teenage Mums’ will be a sight to behold," explained Lord Billingsworth. "All over the world, hairs will be raised on the backs of viewer’s necks by the chanting of the Islamic Fundamentalists and those in the stadium will leave into the dead of night with their spines tingling after the macabre ‘Cabaret of the Hoodies’."

The 2012 team says that London is uniquely placed to host a show of such magnitude not only as a showcase for sporting excellence but also as a genuine human spectacle.

"The Olympic ideals are expressed through normal London life, the pickpockets are swifter, the drug addicts higher and the bad language stronger than anywhere else in the world," explained Lord Billingsworth. "A ten minute walk, assuming you survive, around South East London shows all of human drama in all of it’s multicoloured facets. It’s all there, from the green faces of the crack addicts to the blue faces of battered women being strangled and the red pools of blood outside night-clubs."

His lordship was one of several members of the 2012 organising committee who were today showcasing a new range of branded safety equipment that will be available to visitors and competitors alike.

"Well, they are a little bulky," admitted Lord Coe. "But we expect the need to actually wear a stab-proof vest will motivate marathon runners to overcome its weight and set a world record time through the streets of London."

Foster’s launch "blunt" lagers

Brewing giant Foster’s today launched a new range of beers with more straightforward names and labelling.

"We wanted to capitalise on the famed Australian ‘tell it how it is’ nature," explained Bruce Billingsworth, MD of Marketing at Foster’s. "The idea has proved successful with Australian wines sold in supermarkets - such as ‘Good with pork’ and ‘Best with Steak’, so why not beer? It also enables us to take a lead in providing clearer labelling within the alcohol industry."

The flagship beer in the new range will be ‘Gets you drunk quick’ which is aimed squarely at the market segment traditionally dominated by Tennent’s Super lager with an alcohol content of 9.5%.

"We have done some tests with our key consumers and they say that what they want is something cost effective and quaffable that you can drink whilst slumped in a hedge," said Mr Billingsworth. "Of paramount importance to our demographic is that the labelling is plain and simple and helps you enjoy a summer’s night having a fight with yourself under a bridge."

Tennent’s have said that they welcomed the competition and Foster’s entry into the higher strength market, but denied they had any plans to adopt similar branding.

"We are always looking for new opportunities for our products, commented Grant Binsworth of Tennent’s "So we are branching out into the lighter fuel market instead."

Mr Billingsworth of Foster’s added that they were also planning a family pack of lager aimed at the home drinker called ‘You’ll piss rusty water out your arse in the morning’.

"As you know we are keen on responsible drinking," said Mr Billingsworth. "So our new lagers can also be used to light your barbecue."

Price of Euro notes rising

Following a spate of revelations regarding the contamination of Euro notes with cocaine, the street price of the notes is now rising above face value.

The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug.

Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.”

Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wandering the streets of Dublin with a pig under each arm. Normally the left one is empty.”

Fifty Euro notes seem the most prized as they contain the most cocaine. Currently they are have a value of €67each on the streets of Dublin.

Madrid Police say that their experience is similar to that of their Irish counterparts, only slightly less frenetic due to the lottery aspect of the clean 6% of notes. Spanish issued fifty Euro notes are currently trading on the street at €54.

“At some point the price going to be reflected in the markets when the big international money men get in on the act.“ explained Mr McHugh. “That is when we are really going to go high”