Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.