Surreal Scoop

A soon-to-be-unemployed man from Westminster was said to be laughing hysterically when his bank statement showed him to be over £400bn overdrawn. "I tell you I am loving this," said Alistair Darling a Don’t-Care worker who hails from Edinburgh. "I have never seen numbers of this size before, have you? It is great – just look at all those digits!" Mr Darling said that the amount was not in fact an administrative error by his bank and, despite its alarming size, the overdraft "looked about right". "Well, I don’t keep to close a watch on such things. Who does? It is the Christmas season after all," he said in between giggling fits. "However I do remember some really fantastic transfers of truly spectacular amounts from schools or hospitals or something to some nice gentlemen who drink in the Carlton Club." Experts from Ocean Finance have contacted Mr Darling to see if he has considered consolidating all of his debts into a single – "f...

Children are preparing for another term milking an incentive scheme at the Westminster Academy whereby they can earn 'Vivo' rewards that pupils can exchange for iPods, TVs and Alcoholics Anonymous sessions. “It isn't fair to say that we are simply paying the children to learn,” said Rod Billingsworth, Academy principal. “We are equipping them with the real life bribery skills they will need to get ahead in political and corporate life. Westminster Academy says the scheme has already shown a marked change in the social interactions that the children have with each other and members of the educational staff. “Previously they would gang up on the smaller kids and rob them of their lunch money,” said one teacher. “Now they all take part in the litter patrol together until they earn enough points for the kitchen knife set, which they use to mug teachers.” The spring term timetable includes several amendments to the curriculum such as Monday afternoon's double 'Argos Cata...

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule. “I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.” Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates. “There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the ...

Millions of people in Spain where today awaiting the huge payout from El Gordo, despite denials from Downing Street that the Prime Minister is even in the Iberian peninsula. "Spain is another country to add to the list of those that I have personally saved," said El Gordo Brown from a phonebox near Niagara Falls in Canada. "As soon as I save a small boy from falling to his doom – which is bound to happen soon – I will fly right across to Madrid and see if those bankers at Santander want anything else from the British taxpayer – such as even more savings accounts. Or Wales." The British Prime Minister said that there was no misunderstanding with Downing Street over his intentions and that the cabinet was completely behind his every move. "Some have tried to say that El Gordo is a lottery," said the 'Brown Midas’ as he wishes to be known. "But who would have bet on me saving the world already? Well apart from the British taxpayer who I forced to pun...

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor. "I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting. T he device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices. "We use on...

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury. “I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging . “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.” Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves. “The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped t...

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes. "The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit." The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work. "We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister. Supermarkets have ...

The citizens of the once proud nation of the United States of America today welcomed news that president-elect Barack Obama may be of British descent extending the hope ignited in November that their country could be on the road to recovery. "I cried when I heard the news, " said Joe Billingsworthski, a plumber from Ohio. "The idea that we could have a British president fills me with hope, after all the last American one really screwed up the country." Many political observers are hopeful that the USA could gain some of the ideals of British fairplay and freedom that they have lost under the current American president, regain some of the prosperity of earlier generations and finally get an understanding of cricket, decent beer and democracy. "We need to bring in international talent to turn this place around," said Joe. "Americans have screwed up the world’s economy and given the financial system a seeing-to that it might never recover from. From Janu...

The Department of Health is to consider advice from the British Fertility Society that more pregnancies should be allowed from the sperm of a single donor. This would provide a means, it believes, of further ensuring any individuality is removed from the Britons of the next century. "The benefits are legion of having as many people as possible with the same father," said Patricia Bokonovsky a spokeswoman for the government. "If everyone is from the same gene pool they will all vote the same way and have similar personalities." Government mandarins have long expressed displeasure at the propensity of the British public to act in a multitude of different ways, with different aims and aspirations. This routinely culminates in an alarming appetite for voting out an incumbent government that doesn’t manage to convince enough of them that it is doing a good job. "No, the more I think about it this will be far easier and cheaper than our current strategy - of trying t...

With the prolific adoption of in-car satellite navigation systems that offer more and more functionality , many owners are customising theirs using celebrity voices in place of the normal mid-Atlantic sounding female voice. Reports from motorists are now starting to be collated and reveal a worrying trend that the systems are taking on the characteristic behaviour of the celebrities they sound like. "Initially we received reports about the Mr T voiced Sat-Navs." said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. "Several people have said that when they try to program them for journeys to an airport the devices refuse to plan a route and instead only respond with ‘I ain't gittin' on no plane, fool!’" Initially thought to be a mohawk-wearing celebrity problem, the RAC has also received hundreds of reports from all over the country from people who use a variety of celebrity voices to spice up long journeys. "Several users have reported that updating their systems to us...

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat. "We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick." The research revealed that the reason a great many " big-boned " people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie...

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix. “Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.” The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is. Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica. “I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s ...

As this weekend's historic Singapore Grand Prix rapidly approaches concerns are being expressed by the sport's leading drivers, and Jenson Button, regarding the effectiveness of some of their teams’ preparations for the event. "This will be the first ever time Grand Prix cars have run at night," said Jenson. "The last few seasons have been difficult enough and, with this latest new part for Singapore I am not completely convinced that Honda racing are making a real effort to give me a chance to win." Nick Billingsworth, Team Executive at Honda Racing, denied any lack of effort. Instead he stressed the Japanese automotive giant was investing just the right amount to help Jenson maximise his chances driving at 200mph on a street-circuit in the dark. "Our technicians have been burning the candle at both ends, which in fact was one of the prototypes for the helmet mounted light we have developed for Jenson," said Mr Billingsworth. "We are applying...

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system. "It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world." President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system. "This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cance...

The uproar surrounding the FIA’s decision to punish Lewis Hamilton following the controversial end to this year’s Belgian Grand Prix has been further compounded after having published details of the ruling. "You have to remember this is a very complicated, technical sport," said Max Billingsworth of the FIA. "The average laymen may find the underlying principles that we are trying to uphold difficult to follow. The main one being to make sure that red cars get all the trophies." The FIA said that it was also investigating reports that a visiting car club had their regular Sunday afternoon parade ruined by the thoughtlessness of other people on the roads of Spa. "The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast. The FIA said that a silver car was seen b...

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans. "My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq." White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country. "I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fe...

Budget airline Ryanair has today launched the latest innovation in the low-cost airline industry with the announcement that passengers will be asked to purchase the amount of oxygen they wish to breathe during their flight as part of the check-in process. During the flight passengers will then be able breathe their allotment through masks that will be hang form the overhead compartments. "With rising fuel prices Ryanair is once again demonstrating innovation in keeping costs down for passengers, " said Chief Executive Michael O'Leary holding a press conference whilst wearing an aqualung to demonstrate the frequent flyer option. "We are continuing to make air travel affordable to gasping, blue-faced Europeans." The plan was announced on Tuesday following a successful trial of the ‘Pay as you Go’ option during one of the airline’s flights on the Bristol to Barcelona route. All passengers who were offered the chance to breathe at high altitude said that it was a se...

The closing ceremony to the most expensive Olympic games ever, four times the cost of the Sydney 2000 games was another spectacle from China that stunned the world. However even as thousands of performers danced and sang in front of members of the cream of Chinese and western corporate societies in the unaccountably expensive Bird's Nest stadium, officials were forced to admit that the whole of the Olympics has been staged by actors in the Arizona desert. "It wasn't just that little girl miming to an uglier girl's voice in the opening ceremony," said Chinese Premier Hu Jintao speaking in front of a green screen in a portakabin in Beijing. "The whole lot has been a fake, from the footstep fireworks of the opening ceremony to the tears of joy of our glorious winning communists. They were really tears of relief at not being sent to the labour camps for re-education with cattle prods and heavy rocks." Many conspiracy theorists said that they thought that som...

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate. "Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings." Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history. "There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teena...

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East. "We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa." Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India. "It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more...

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix. "Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year." Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is. Hamilton’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica. "I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just se...

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine. "With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science. Karadzic is planning on conducting his own defence in a bid to dilute the charges against him. From killing 1 person in 5 in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica he hopes to spread the effect to a less barbarous sounding 1 in 500 of the Bosnian population as a whole. His defence team has, however, privately advised him that attempts to dilute further to a trace value of having ordered the slaughter of only one in thre...

Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier. “I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.” The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was originally constructed in 1904 and had just undergone a multi-million pound refurbishment which the landmark event was planned to celebrate. “You tell me that wasn't spectacular! Look at the result, everyone knows that pier really is well and truly finished now,” explained Billingsworth. Kenneth Billingsworth, 58, was only recently hired by North Somerset council in an outreach programme ...

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence. “It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him several years ago, when a few of the girls claimed to have felt a breeze in the air as he went past but we weren't even sure if he still worked here. Of course it might just as easily have been a reflection or a trick of the light, since we can't quite remember what he looks like." Whilst the mature Office Ninja is rarely seen, sometimes the juveniles are more easily spotted as they have...

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps. “Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.” UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women. “We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to com...

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route. "I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit." Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him. "It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I wa...

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society. “I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.” As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest. “I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.” There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might le...

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author. "I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something." The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’. "Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough." Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over th...

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef. The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!" "Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendan...