Surreal Scoop

As summer approaches and the nation’s hopes are filled with an expectation of another hot, glorious summer, the Government is enacting a series of measures to fulfil gaps in the emergency services. “If we get a really long summer, like the last couple of years, then we can expect an increase in strike action,” said John Billingsworth, Assistant Under Secretary for Contingency Planning within the Home Office. “We are, obviously, especially worried about the Fire Service.” It is expected that thousands of public sector workers will find reason to strike, or perhaps fall ill, during the good summer months which risks leaving the country dangerously exposed. “Above all else we want to re-assure the public that we can get everything in hand, as we are sure that will be a relief to all.” commented the Assistant Under Secretary. “For that reason we are turning to the expertise of the stripping community.” Traditionally the army has stepped in to fill the roles of any striking or overstretched...

Friends and relatives were today rallying round comedy star Ricky Gervais after he announced that he was suffering from “Single Personality Disorder”. “He has suffered, quietly, for years,” said a pal. “He has managed to cover it up by clever renaming of his David Brent character and sometimes by wearing a different jacket.” Gervais said he had made the announcement to try and help others with the same affliction. SPD is a condition said to inflict most of society, however it is a dangerous condition for a comedic genius such as Gervais. “Not everyone has been as lucky as me. With the help of a few close friends, and a fawning media. I managed to conceal the awful truth for over 5 years,” the comic said today. Friends reveal that the strain was starting to tell on Ricky and advised him to make a public statement so that he could then seek help with his condition. “Ricky is Ricky, a wonderful chap, but exactly what you see on TV is Ricky. There is no hidden dimension to his talent.” sai...

Millwall Football Club today announced a financial restructuring package and the Shareholders’ approval of the bid from a new group of American investors. The new bid was recommended by the club’s board as being the deal to take the club into the future and back up to the Championship. "The new investment, from Hanna-Barbera, one of the leading family entertainment groups in the USA, shows not only the bright future that this club has, but also its international reputation. It further strengthens the important role we feel we can play in the local community," said Grant Billingsworth, Financial Director. Millwall plan to leverage Hanna Barbera’s expertise to soften the image of the club and broaden its appeal from the die-hard fan of the Upper East stand, to a central part of family and community life. The first step will be a new badge, for the 2007/8 season. This marks the second revamp from the original rampaging lion and will feature the famous cartoon character Snagglepu...

Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns. “Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.” ‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom. “Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get the first off-peak Stanste...

A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence. “We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped. “We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel. “Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number ...

Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals. "These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival." The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies. Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the...

Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture. “For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.” Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley. “Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper indust...

Friends and family were once again overjoyed as Chris Billingsworth again regained consciousness from his coma. Chris, now 32, has been in a Persistent Vegetative State following an accident as a child. Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off. “Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!” Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state. “When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him ...

New British Formula One sensation Lewis Hamilton, today explained how he could have won his debut Grand Prix at the weekend rather than simply finish in an amazing third place. Lewis, 22, started Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix from a spectacular fourth place before overtaking his twice World Champion teammate in an opportunistic move at the first corner to move up to second. The British press have excitedly reported on Hamilton’s achievement in producing one of the finest first race performances in the history of Grand Prix racing which included leading the race for four laps. Sensationally, Hamilton the first black Formula 1 driver, has now revealed how he should have won his first race. “I think I had the pace to win,” said the McLaren Mercedes driver, “However every time I came into the pits the scrutineers pulled me over to check the car out costing me time. Each time they pulled me over they asked me ’That’s a nice car son, is it yours?”.

Personal Injury Direct today revealed details of what they are hailing as a landmark settlement for those who suffer accidents at work. Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded. The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life. "Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst...

A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’. “I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.” “They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.” Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assist...

Officials in Whitehall are concerned over the rate of use of apology resources and may in future come to rely on renewable "expressions of regret". The news comes from leaked documents within the civil service saying that soon Britain will have to apologise for events that took place within living memory. "It is quite a crisis," explained Sir Humphrey Billingsworth a retired official from the Foreign Office. "For decades Britain has led the world in apologising for the actions of our forefathers. However these are not inexhaustible resources and the last 50 years has shown a dramatic increase the use of non-renewable apologies, and with the end of empire, we simply aren’t finding new sources of future international incidents to be sorry for." The plans being drawn up involve an increase in expressions of regret, which can later be re-cycled into full apologies. "We need to think of future generations and their needs." said Sir Humphrey. "The...

The trial of Martin Edward Cummins, 45 of today concluded at Norwich Crown Court. Mr Cummins was accused of lewd acts likely to corrupt a minor and was arrested after a police sting operation involving a dozen web sites and forensic investigation of his computer. "This is a complete miscarriage of justice, " he said in a statement through his solicitor. "I have at no time attempted to corrupt anyone, it was a misunderstanding over usernames and the frustration of creating new ones when registering for web sites." Mr Cummins defence was that every userid he tried on popular sites was taken. "The normal ones, such as first names, and fun ones like ‘BigMartin’ are always taken." he explained through his solicitor. "However I realised that if I used slightly more risqué words and phrases then those tended to be available. Naturally I tried to tailor my choice so that it matched the website I was registering with." In court the prosecution stated that...