Surreal Scoop

Following hot on the heels of the voluntary move by the alcohol industry, knife manufacturers across the UK are applying warning labels to their products in an effort raise awareness of the challenges of knife ownership. "We recognise that in today’s modern Britain more and more products are being affixed with warning labels and, well, as manufacturers of some very sharp implements we didn’t want to be left out," explained Naomi Smith, CEO of her family’s forging business in Sheffield. The warning labels follow the model of those that have for years been increasing in size and directness on tobacco products. "We have gone for quite direct messages," explained Mrs Smith. "So for example our meat cleavers now carry a large warning message about its sharp edge." The family firm, Billingsworth Steel, has full ranges of knives and cooking utensils both with and without warning labels. "We have to face the reality, our knives are not only used by profession...

Mandarins at the NHS have received the news that a new Dutch game show gives the winning contestant a life-changing kidney transplant with horror. “Even if you ignore the obviously tasteless nature of this programme,” commented Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the Weatherfield NHS Trust. “The fact is that thousands of patients every year take part in the famous NHS 'postcode lottery' for their treatments.” There are concerns that should shows such as the kidney transplant based ‘The Big Donor Show’ become as much as part of TV fabric as other Endemol reality productions, such as Big Brother, have become in the UK then the NHS 'postcode lottery' could suffer the same fate as the football pools suffered with the introduction of the National Lottery. “It is a proud British tradition that the standard of your care can be influenced by where you live and the local policies of a particular Trust.” said Sir Marmaduke. “This is one of the facets that make the NHS unique, and some...

Today the Institute of Curry Emporia, ICE, launched its campaign to improve awareness of equality and diversity within the restaurant trade, an industry it says has lagged behind the rest of business in embracing the diversity of British racial demographics. “For too long now the workforce of Indian Restaurants in the United Kingdom has been dominated by people of Asian origin,” explained Chandra Billingu. “We need to ensure that the Indian Restaurant of tomorrow reflects the rich diversity of British culture with equal opportunity for all.” Whilst the curry has for some time laid claim to being Britain’s national dish the overwhelming majority of over 70,000 staff in more than 8,000 Indian restaurants in the UK are of an Asian background. “We are working with schools and colleges to stimulate interest in the finest Asian cuisine,” said Mr Billingu. “We will have workshops with the finest curry chefs from Birmingham and Bradford visiting schools throughout the country. We are also laun...

Premiership stars such as Chelsea’s Didier Drogba and Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo were today condemned as being unsuitable role models for children. “Premiership footballers are respected by children all over the country and they mimic their behaviour,” said Marjorie Billingsworth, organiser of a toddler’s group in Nottingham. “I think most parents of small children see this on a daily basis.” Mrs Billingsworth highlighted examples of the behaviour that she said was unsuitable and how it was mimicked by children. “Take Cristiano Ronaldo. When something happens that he doesn’t like, he falls to the ground and rolls around. Then, if the referee does not appear to be giving him what he wants, he will cry out and display a look of complete anguish and agony. His cries can be heard all around the stadium,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “When he does this on a Saturday, you can bet that in supermarkets up and down the land on Sunday morning, there will be two year olds trying exactly the...

The Conservative Party is preparing for a new year annoucement giving details of its Victorian Values based ideology should it win the next General Election. Centrepiece of the proposals will be the re-introduction of workhouses into the nation's inner cities. "Entrance to this elite employment programme," said Tory leader, David Cameron, "will not just be upon declaring bankruptcy, they will accept recommendations from any loan company currently advertising on ABC1". "Workhouses are not the only area where Tories will lower regulation and costs for the British employer, " explained Mr Cameron, "and whilst cleaning chimneys is a somewhat dying trade, we believe there is still plenty of discarded coal to be found in the mudflats of our nation's mighty rivers for Primary School children to collect." On crime the Tories will take their porposals further. "ASBOs will be replaced with a more traditional punishment for anti-social behaviou...

The British National Party today announced a surprise policy to ban the celebration of Saint George's Day in England. It follows a policy review to ensure that the party had not drifted in its struggle for cultural purity. "The BNP is becoming a more mature party and, as with every party as we become more sophisticated, we need to ensure we don’t drift away from the core principles what made us strong in, like, the first place,” explained BNP policy guru Phil Billingsworth. “We feel we have become a bit liberal in recent years.” “During the policy review one of our members, who had read a library book, pointed out that Saint George was a Turkish immigrant who came over here and took our job of slaying Dragons.” said Billingsworth at the launch of the “Ban Turkish George” campaign. “As you know stopping all these Turks, Poles and that coming over here is one of our central policies so we realised we had to take action against this corruption of our English culture, starting wit...

As the days pass the 24 hour news media becomes more and more concerned about the plight of their little viewers that have recently been tragically lost, or abducted by less sensational news sources. Reporters are combing the Algarve, frantically searching for any story or rumour with which they can get a thousand words of speculation or 5 minutes to camera. “It’s such an appalling tragedy. These poor little viewers are sitting at home knowing exactly what they need to know. “ said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News. “However for us here in Portugal, standing on street corners, we have a soap opera to create and no one, least of all the Portuguese Police are fuelling our speculation.” Commentators throughout the Algarve are amazed that the local police are not scheduling their searches and investigations around the plight of the British journalists who have been separated from their offices and loved ones with only their expense accounts for company. “We have a little blonde news ticker th...

A new yardstick (9,672 of them in fact) in the field of communications was achieved when Herbert Billingsworth, 29, made the world’s highest mobile phone call. The call was made possible due to the Chinese government’s installation of a mobile phone mast with line of sight to the top of the Northern Ridge. “I wasn’t the first at this altitude, that was Rod Baber who was calling the BBC and others," said Hebert “I am a couple of inches taller than him, so my phone was higher and I was able to claim his record about 15 minutes after he finished his call,” explained the proud record holder. “Of course I called my Mum, Elsie.” A transcript of that historic call follows below:- Elsie Billingsworth : “Hello?” Herbert Billingsworth : “Hi Mum, it’s me, Herbie.” EB : “Oh Herbie! I haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you?” HB : “OK, Mum. I am on Mount Everest!” EB : “Have you heard about your Auntie Dot? She is having terrible trouble with her … well you know … her problem.” HB : “Mu...

Today at its Docklands headquarters Barclays, the UK’s third largest bank, debuted its new signing in a mortgage department planning meeting. John Varley, Barclays Chief Executive Officer, had previously presented the Portuguese wonder-kid, Marcel Billingo, to the press in a small ceremony where he handed Billingo his security pass and laptop. “Barclays has always planned to be a global player and to compete in Europe. The signing of Marcel proves our commitment to getting the best talent into the right positions forging a world class team,” said Mr. Varley. Billingo, 23, is a rising talent having been signed by Barclays as a graduate of the academy of the London School of Economics. Following a learning year in the lower league of the Nationwide Building Society, the youngster was snapped up on a £580 a week contract. Billingo made an immediate impression in the planning meeting from the kick-off. “I have always wanted to play in the premier league of finance and for such a great team...

Allotments and pubs all over the UK are filled with married men lamenting the announcement from Kylie Minogue following accusations regarding her relationship with a married friend. Ms Minogue responded to such accusations with a statement that she has “never been unfaithful to a partner and would find it completely immoral to be involved with a married man.” “It’s pretty depressing,” said Nick Billingsworth, 41, a bricklayer from Middlesbrough. “I mean you know there is always that fantasy of Kylie, and perhaps Dannii too if it was New Years Eve or something. Now it looks more remote than ever.” Gill Binsworth of the Women’s Academy of Logic says that studies have shown that Kylie Minogue is found to be so attractive to all sexes and sexual orientations that she is believed to be the only woman that married men can mention openly in the presence of their wives without fear of recrimination. “Indeed, the prospect of a sexual encounter with Kylie is so remote that most women believe it...

The Carling Cup (also known as the League Cup) today appeared on the internet auction site eBay with an asking price of £500m. The seller, known only as “TheGreatOne” has listed the item as being a part of a collection “that now cannot be realised” and it is described as being in used but excellent condition although some light polishing may be required to remove tear stains. Those interest in purchasing the Carling Cup should be aware that they will have to arrange to collect the item themselves as postage is not offered with the sale. The item is currently located at a small team in Fulham. Pundits are puzzled by the move, and are also unsure as to the significance of comments by the Cup’s seller requesting genuine bidders only and that payment would not be accepted in roubles. Chelsea Football Club, the current Carling Cup holders, would not comment on the eBay listing but denied rumours that they were the buyers who had posted adverts on eBay’s “Want it Now” service for the Premie...

At a conference on the future of newsgathering, keynote speakers warned that the public is becoming increasingly sceptical about real world catastrophes as they become exposed to ever more sophisticated effects in film, television and computer games. “It is a real challenge for the News Organisations around the world,“ explained Kate Billingsworth from BBC News. “It used to be that even the best Hollywood effects wouldn’t look quite right. But now computer graphics have reached a point were Alien spaceships can crash into Big Ben on your home computer and look much more believable than when the real thing happened a few months ago.” The conference focussed on major events that have simply gone unnoticed by the public who believe them to be fakes. “We get our news from TV and the Internet but the news imagery has to compete with other footage shown. So, when Ben Nevis erupted and the lava flow slowly engulfed part of Fort William it just did not engage the public’s imagination,“ continu...

Tony Blair today entered into the controversy surrounding proposals to change some of the nation’s rubbish collection to fortnightly arguing in favour of the more traditional weekly collection. “I am a bit of a traditionalist on this,” said the Prime Minister. “There are many people, like me, who believe that the country is best served by the collection of rubbish each and every week. As many people know I was not so keen on a longstanding tradition in the borough of Westminster for the rubbish to have two smaller collections, twice weekly, on Tuesday and Thursday which was why I moved Prime Minister’s Questions to a single larger collection on Wednesdays.” The major concerns have been centred on increasingly large amounts of garbage being allowed to fester for greater periods providing opportunities for the infestation of maggots. “The maggot infestation in Westminster is very real,” commented Mr Blair. “I think there is a great risk that it will give the Tory party time to produce a ...