Apple Overjoyed As iPhone 4S Passes Turing Test In Scotland

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person.

“Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter. “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.”

The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phone has any change for the bus home. It really is for the bus, pal.

“Turing is one of the indicator tests for the progress of technology, if a computer response is indistinguishable from that of a human then the system passes.” gestured the acolyte. “And frankly there is no one alive that knows what the Scottish want.”

However an international committee is said to be studying the results closely, as they believe a crucial criteria of the Turing test may have been overlooked.

“The iPhone behaviour needs to be in response to conversation with a human,” said one Nobel Prize winner. “I am not sure that qualifies just any hominid, regardless of how angry it feels, or how large it’s feeling of victimhood - so we are not sure the Scotch qualify.

“Oh has that thought upset them? That’s predictable. I’m English.”

Football World Alarmed That Next England Manager Will Speak English

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English.

“It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.”

Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them.

“At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do."

There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their fans.

“I am sick as parrot,” exclaimed Harry Redknapp blowing the whistle on the FA. "Why us!! When they (the FA) don't speak English too good or nothin’"

“The moon, she is under me,” cheered Professor Guido Billingsworthski from the Oxford Linguistic Studies College, situated above the Bentley dealership, who was delighted to have been engaged by several players. “I am here to help every peoples turn the new leaf,” he explained. “It’s a simple case of crossing the I's and dotting the T's".

Peter Crouch is the first player to turn to the Billingsworthski academy following the recent confusion over his attempts to acquire some gardening equipment.

“I got home late and realised that I need to turn over some sod in the garden,” said Crouch. “That was why I went to get a Hoe. In Madrid,” he explained. “So I don’t want that to happen again, because I have to get Four Candles next week. From a Thai brothel.”

England captain Stephen Gerrard has leapt in support of beleaguered manager Fabio Capello by insisting that there has been no communication breakdown and the squad is fully committed to the nation.

“I want him to stay,” insisted Gerrard. “We fully understand that If we stand still we will end up being backward”.

From our English-as-a-second-language reporter Shivriano

Voltaire : “gutted at having been so misquoted about defending to the death your right to say stuff”

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments.

“I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.”

Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an 18th century philosopher to sample some of the extents to which the hard won freedoms of expression, so pioneered by the enlightenment movement of the late 17th century, had come to manifest themselves some 400 years later.

“I don’t mind being used as a totem for challenging established authority. That was, after all, my bag whilst I was alive,” said the Enlightenment essayist. “But my reputation is at stake when I am mis-attributed by an author who proceeds to call everyone else a ‘cockend’.

“I have always supported the free flow of ideas, and I think confrontations over the rights of man should be handled robustly,” he added. “But does GordonsBrownEye really need to wish upon someone a death in a burning building over which year the new grilles appeared on the Morris Marina?”

M. Arouet said that he truly admired the Internet and the manner in which ordinary people across the world could freely exchange information and ideas, but wondered as to the path it was taking.

“Take the ‘Have Your Say’ sections of news website, clearly ‘Opinions have caused more ills than the plague or earthquakes on this little globe of ours’,” he said. “That’s one of mine that is. Although today I would probably just type ‘You get right on my tits!!!!!’ in capitals.”

Voltaire, who is credited with using over 170 pen names, also expressed dismay at what he sees as the quality of the pseudonym in the 21st century and its usual reliance on sexual metaphor.

“’Voltaire’ was carefully chosen to allude to speed, a change of opinion all wrapped up in an anagram of the Latin spelling of my full surname. Continuing the reversal theme it even alludes to the name of my family home. It took me bloody ages to come up with,” he said. “I should have stuck with my first choice of ‘FastFrankyFromBehind1694’”

However, despite all his misgivings about the level of discourse, he said that the immediacy of locating and sharing information was intoxicating.

“I fucking knew that it was 1975 when the Marina grille was updated,” tweeted @FastFrankyFromBehind1694. “GordonsBrownEye can shove it, and I’ll bet he’s a Jew.”

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable.

“We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.”

To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’.

“The iPad Nano condenses the web-surfing, video and music playing capabilities of the iPad into a form factor that you can hold in your hand, or even in your pocket,” said the Apple High-Priest to a round of applause. “Rest assured your favourite applications can all be downloaded just as before, but now the hilarious drinking lager app looks like you are having a swift half, not a whole bucket!”

Apple said that it was responding to rumours of criticism of the iPad: that it was bulky to carry around and its large and unwieldy display led to a battery life of a mere 10 hours.

“Apparently some of the brethren have expressed displeasure to my acolytes that the device is so large even though it has no keyboard, and that its size makes the Chosen Tablet cumbersome to take to places to be seen in,” said Mr Jobs through an interpreter as he continued his presentation purely in the multi-touch gesture language. “We find this difficult to believe, not least because the people who made these complaints have disappeared.”

The iPad Nano boasts impressive specifications. It is half the height of the full size iPad, at 4.5 inches, and a third of the width, at 2.4 inches. Also revealed at Apple Core was that the multi-touch gesture for “disappear” is to slide one’s finger across one’s throat.

“The iPad Nano is a truly revolutionary device, and will come with additional features,” gestured Mr Jobs as he ascended upwards. “There will be a version that not only has 3G capability but also includes the functionality to make telephone calls.”

Following the unease with which the Chosen Tablet’s name was received by the public, especially among women, the iPad Nano 3G will be sold under the name ‘iPhone’.

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

“Mow our lawns, and take our rubbish out” demand postmen

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker.

“A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.”

The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards.

“I think we need to understand the impact that actually delivering your parcel to you would have on the postman's round,” said Billingsworth. “On average a postie walks two miles around a snooker table by lunchtime. Actually doing his job might mean he doesn't get to his euphemistically named 'Working Men's Club' until the afternoon.”

The rise in the use of so called “Sorry, we're too lazy” cards was revealed in an internal Royal Mail memo entitled “Parcel Delivery in the 21st century – do we look like fucking Father Christmas?”.

However, a leading postal union denied that this practice was widespread and insisted that if it occurred at all it was not due to idleness on the part of postmen, but caused by the nature of the parcels being delivered.

“Clearly the public are increasingly shopping online leading to a huge increase in parcels in the system, not all of which can be delivered at the first attempt,” said a spokesman for postal workers. “And anyway what they are buying is too shit for us to bother nicking.”

Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old

Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.

“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”

Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.

“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”

However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.

“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”

The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.

“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”

Union attacks plan for 30,000 more casual workers at Royal Mail

The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal.

“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”

Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.

“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”

Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.

“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”

People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.

“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”

Is Johnny Ethnic too sensitive about so-called “racist” language?

Whilst Prince Harry’s usage of the phrase "our little Paki friend" and referring to "ragheads" took place three years ago it now transpires that Prince Charles and his former polo-pony Camilla continually refer to an Asian friend as "Sooty" and rarely a day goes by without Prince Philip using the term "dego, slant-eyed, chink, wap of a paki-wog curry-eating paddy" when referring to the Prime Minister.

"I think the question for Britain to ask herself is whether or not the time has come to re-evaluate how we refer to people from the colonies," said language historian Sir Hillary Billingsworth. "It is not what you say, it is how you say it. For example people from Pakistan object to hearing the term ‘paki’ because they are aware it comes with the silent suffix ‘bastard’ whereas Australians happily respond to ‘aussie’ because they are too dense to understand the implied add-on ‘git’."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was this subtlety that made the English language the richest in the world but it was sophistication lost on those foreigners that claim it as their first language with seemingly many Britons also failing to understand.

"Those that are apologising for the Royals simply don’t grasp the beauty of unstated menace," said Billingsworth a professor at the Jeremy Kyle University. "Whilst American tourists smile at being called ‘yanks’ by a darling cabbie charging them £150 for the apparent two hour ride from the Houses of Parliament to the London Eye, via Heathrow, they need to understand the prefix ‘stupid fat’ goes without saying."

The same he said was true for the lower orders – ‘thieving’ was a given when used with the friendly term ‘scouser’ and paddies should be aware of the ‘drunken’ and ‘git’ brackets that readers of the The Telegraph see written between the lines.

"I want to make it clear, this isn’t xenophobic, racist or even class-based, it can apply to many other things," explained Sir Hillary. "For over half a century the suffix ‘twat’ has been applied to the phrase ‘Daily Mail Reader’."

Chaos over Christmas due to faulty navigation systems

This Christmas has seen a record number of complaints from households the length and breadth of the country due to a batch of faulty 'ChatNav' systems.

“Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.”

The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as families get together for possibly the only time of the year. Many people struggle to navigate the tricky path through family history whilst avoiding known incident blackspots at frosty receptions which may involve long journeys across thin ice.

“Of course at Christmas the problem will have been exacerbated by alcohol,” said the Professor. “This can cause people to drive headlong into areas that are best avoided. Indeed Christmas drinking can engender a desire to get to the point as fast as possible and can cause reckless behaviour and lead to the one driving the conversation to misread even the most unmistakeable of warning signs.”

Our increasing reliance on technology such as ChatNavs means that without the systems many people are helpless. Men in particular are notorious for refusing to accept help when driving a conversation in a completely inappropriate direction oblivious to any suggestion from wives and girlfriends keen to avoid any looming obstacles.

It is believed that the problems with the latest generation of ChatNavs were caused by a failure with the worldwide GPS – Grievance Prevention System - although the approaches taken by previous generations are frequently routed through treacherous territory.

“We have known for some time that many 'chatnav' systems used by older family members can lead to huge meandering diversions down memory lane,” said Professor Billingsworth. “Some of these can lead to many extra hours of pointless meanderings culminating in blow-ups on the way home.”

Vodafone to announce new “Call Moaning” tariff

The world's largest mobile phone company today announced a new tariff in the white-hot competition for subscriber minutes.

"We have analysed the hundreds of millions of calls made through our network each day and we realise that what our customers really want is a tariff suited to their calling patterns," explained Darren Billingsworth, senior marketing executive at the mobile phone giant.

The new call plan, known as "Call Moaning" will allow unlimited downbeat conversations for a fixed monthly fee. Computers will analyse the tone of the conversation and the caller will only be charged if it is in anyway uplifting or light-hearted.

"Most mobile phone conversations are based around the bus being late, it being raining or a word by word account of what Chanelle told Sharon that Billy had said about her," said Billingsworth. "These are important facets of life that we in the communication biosphere feel need to shared."

Rival mobile phone firms said that whilst they were not in a position to offer sophisticated voice analysis they would be launching competing tariffs. Orange have said that callers can bundle a group of free calls into their talk-time which will be activated by detection of key phrases, such as "I am on the train." or "Oh my God, shut up."

"It is important that everyday detritus is allowed to fill the world of the commuter else they may feel cut off from the knowledge that most other people lead drab and boring lives too," said Billingsworth. "We want to encourage this shared morose as schadenfreude makes us all feel better."

Vodafone said this was just another example of how the connected world was enriching our lives by ensuring that none of the minutia of everyday life goes forgotten or unsaid.

"It is difficult to imagine how we used to live, but it wasn't that long ago that you used to get onto a train and worry only that someone next to you might fall asleep and loll onto your shoulder," said Darren. "Now with 'Call Moaning', you can listen in as someone angrily breaks up with her boyfriend over some triviality and rest assured that she will not run out of credit and can fill the entire journey with a series of tearful and repetitive phone calls to her girlfriends."

Royal mail adverts insists “it is business as usual”

The Royal Mail today took out a double page advert in the quality papers to help clear up any confusion that customers might have following the recent mail strike.

“Many people have become confused about the service we are offering,” said Sally Billingsworth, a service manager at Royal Mail's Old Street headquarters in London. “We wanted to ensure customers that the service is back to the standards they expect.”

The open letter, signed by the Chief Executive, Adam Crozier, is aimed at ensuring to customers that they can expect to receive the quality of service that has been available since he took charge in 2003, the text of which is reproduced below:

There may be some confusion now that our staff have returned to work following the recent strike:

• Unlike the Victorians you will not be able to get your post before you leave for work


• Unlike 30 years ago you will not be able to post a standard A4 envelope without queuing in a post office.

So, back to business as usual!

Threat to world vowel population

Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded.

“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”

Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the vowel towards oblivion.

“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel population at home and abroad,” said Professor Billingsworth.

The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text message environments.

“One of the key reasons the US would not ratify the Kyoto Protocol is the extended vowel usage and their belief that technology can produce image based communication. Enforcing vowel quotas is cumbersome and a drag on the US economy,” explained Billingsworth at a press conference at the Jeremy Kyle University.

Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment. Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in proclivity towards the water vowel, for example.

“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given sentence in Welsh.”

Royal Mail candidate misses rejection letter

There were red faces at the Royal Mail’s headquarters on Monday when Sally Billingsworth arrived to take up her new job.

"I had applied for the role of Lost Post Analyser," explained Ms Billingsworth. "I went through all the interviews, selection panels and aptitude tests but didn’t hear anything back. So I assumed that I must have got the job and just turned up."

It seems that the rejection letter that Sally should have received had, ironically, been lost in the post, and thus at the start of last week there were two new Lost Post Analysers waiting to start their jobs.

"Well, you know, here at the Royal Mail we are quite used to items of post going missing," explained Jane Stubbs, a HR Manager at the company’s Old Street Headquarters. "Although of course this is quite embarrassing it does highlight that we are focussing resources in the right area - that of reducing the number of items lost in the postal system."

"Well, it has worked out OK for me, since they have now offered me the job that, apparently, they had rejected me for," said a beaming Ms Billingsworth. "This shows the value of one of the policies I will be instigating, that of increased use of recorded delivery.

"Perhaps they should have sent me the letter by recorded delivery rather than a plain envelope with a hint of yellow in the colour and bearing a Royal Mail logo on the front and ‘with us it‘s personal‘ on the back. I could have easily mistaken that for junk mail. I assume. In addition they would know that I had received it, if I had. Which of course I didn’t."