Surreal Scoop

As the New Year hangovers clear Britain once again braces itself for the events that will transpire in a stylised house in London filled with D-list celebrities. The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means. There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house. Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of ...

Most UK airports were filled with desperate news reporters tryng to turn the recent bout of fog into screaming and tearful human interest stories. "I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace." "The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else". "I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here." An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought b...

Today, BSkyB announced its new "Hanging Direct" extravangaza. The 3 hour show will take place live from Baghdad and feature a variety performance from some of showbiz's most famous stars who have been unable to get Panto work. The culmination of the variety show will be the hanging of Saddam Hussein, thought likely to gain the highest pay-per-view ratings in history. The Deputy Prime Minister - John Prescott denied any impropriety on the part of the government in awarding the execution contracts and insisted selling the TV rights was not a desperate attempt to help pay for the cost of the War in Iraq. A further controversy broke when it was revealed that a refreshment caravan for the venue was to be run by the Foreign Secretary - Margaret Beckett. John Prescott was adamant. "Instead of anything untoward, this should be seen as furthering the spread of democracy and freedom and showing that the west is indeed serious about such matters" he said. BSkyB would not c...

A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds. These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group. "Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots." Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance...

Today, the airport shuttle service arm of the easy Group of companies announced its long awaited plans to expand into the national “long haul” bus market by adding two newer, larger vehicles to its fleet and the launch of its new easyCoach brand. “Several years ago we vowed to take on Megabus in the low-cost, no-frills inter-city coach business, however the major issue was finding the right vehicles to compete,” explained Fiona Billingsworth, CEO of easyCoach. “Our current Mercedes Sprinter minibuses are not suitable for the London to Glasgow run, however we have now done a landmark deal in coach leasing to bring easyCoach to the market.” The new fleet of vehicles has been leased from the House of Windsor and the Lord Mayor of London. Whilst easyCoach admits the vehicles are old, nearly 250 years old in fact, they have been regularly serviced and are in ‘showroom quality‘ as they have only been used once a year. “Our customers come to us for value for money and so they will welcome the...

Many were surprised at the winners of the BBC Sports Personality of the year awards with the individual awards going to the less mainstream sports men and women. Football and cricket, predictably, given .the lack of successful British teams , failed to get their names on the familiar trophy. However one award that seemed fitting was that of the Young Sports Personality of the year, going to Theo Walcott. “We felt that the this award perfectly matched the aspirations of teenagers everywhere and should act as an inspiration to those young sports people that if they keep plugging away it will get recognised,” said Steve Billingsworth of the BBC’s judging panel. “Theo has spent the best part of the year being driven around Europe and sitting listening to his Ipod whilst his playing family has been getting involved in activities. This is the behaviour of many teenagers in Britain and so makes his award of the BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year so much more relevant.” Walcott spent mos...

Billenz, the German electronics manufacturer today announced the launch date for its “Mythical” games console. The console has been the subject of rumour, leaks and discussion within the games playing community for over a year. Although the company has refused to comment many games magazines and technology blogs have detailed the new machine, citing anonymous sources claiming to be former employees of Billenz. The feverish speculation has led the blogging community to declare the console as the most powerful yet conceived and predicted to knock Sony from the top step of the games console podium. Heinz Billing, CEO and founder of Billenz today broke his silence on the project. “I have refused comment for the last of two years on details for this Mythical console. We repeatedly have denied its existence and refused to discuss its specifications, which we will continue. Again let me say, so I can be clear. This console is mythical, its performance is unimaginable. Nothing like this will b...

A growing number of Britain’s youths are calling for greater regulation and protection of intellectual property in the increasingly competitive Graffiti media. A new pressure group has been formed and had its first open meeting today, under a flyover for the A2 in Falconwood. “It’s bad now. N’ I don’t mean bad good, like, it’s butters to get your tags down.” explained T-Bone, leader of the T-Block gang. “I spent 5 minutes scratching my, like, tag into a window on one of, like, those new 89 buses. Like later all the windows was done - you couldn‘t, like, see mine or nothin‘.” The problem, they say, is that their vandalism is overwritten and damaged and that there is so much graffiti it is not novel any more. “No one looks,” said another child from T Block, dressed in what appeared to be his pyjamas. “I mean like, every inch is scratched like, people don’t even notice no more. The police should do sumfink to, like, protect our work.” “It is not like it’s RA or even the Cherry Boys, like....

It is a scene of devastation and despair. Some residents of the once sleepy little village sit on the roadside in the torn clothing, others stagger amongst the rubble of their once picturesque houses searching for loved ones or what is left of their belongings. An injured driver sits on the curb next to the burnt out remains of his upturned Hackney Carriage. “I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner. The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered. The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:- “Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These an...

Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality. “The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.” “The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Tes...

The race to be this year’s “face of everything” has heated up with the announcement that Russell Brand is to host Channel 4‘s “Top 100 cheap clips“ to be shown on Boxing Day. Brand who is currently found on TV, Radio, stage, DVD, boxer shorts and a new range of Pooper-Scoopers is said to be gearing up to challenge the long time holders of over exposure, Ant & Dec, head on. However it is a challenge fraught with risk. Previous champions of TV ubiquity, such as Jimmy Carr, warn that is not an easy road. “We can’t all aspire to the longevity of Sir Terry Wogan, the master of being on everything,” commented Jimmy during a break in hosting the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards 2006. “One moment you are on game shows or “Top 50 Cheese Night” , the next you are handing out the award for ‘Best FSA compliant sub-prime Equity Release‘ whatever that is.” warned Mr Carr. “Still there is always an opportunity for a joke about gypsies.” Indeed Mr Carr’s words were echoed by prev...

Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season! “The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”. The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the afterm...

In a surprise move a leading feminist group announced that it would be launching a campaign in supporting the increased objectification of women by the media. The Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships will be holding rallies outside branches of WH Smiths and other prominent newsagents to complain about the portrayal of women in periodicals such as Heat, More, Closer, Now and all tabloid newspapers. “Many people now think enough is enough, “said Union representative Charlie Billingsworth from her office in Watford. “For years we have campaigned for women to be considered as more than pretty adornments. We have urged society to want to get to know the person within the feminine body. It has gone too far now as we are swamped with a deluge of endless minutia about the daily lives of people who are famous for wearing a hat, for being thick or for sleeping with a footballer. Please, lets treat WAGs and It-girls as objects and put them away. Lets not learn anything more about their meaningles...

The trial continued today of a man accused of several charges of theft and battery following an afternoon crime spree including receiving stolen goods. The man was identified as Jason Billingsworth, 21, from Reading but identified himself only as ThundaHawk85 and claimed to be from Kharanos in Dun Morogh. The court heard how Mr Billingsworth had arrived at The Oracle shopping centre and proceeded to various shops. The first altercation came in the queue of the shop GAME where Mr Billingsworth is accused of assault over the last remaining copy of the “Gears of War” console game. Witnesses say that Mr Billingsworth shouted loudly “F.F.S. You loser, You would suck anyway. Loll” before pushing another shopper to the ground and taking the game from his hands as well as the shopper’s money. Throwing the money at the sales assistant, Mr Billingsworth then allegedly ran out of the shop shouting “You’ve been owned by the Guild of the Red Faction.” The court further heard how Mr Billingsworth ev...

The Conservative Party has reacted to the controversy surrounding their recently launched ’tosser within’ internet video. “It is a provocative advertising campaign aimed at young people and students, “ explained David Cameron. “There is an old Chinese proverb: 'Tell me and I will forget. Show me, and I will remember.' and with the visualisation of a ’tosser’ we hope to be able to show the nation what we stand for and hope they will remember”. The advert features an irritating and badly dressed figure who encourages people to swap from one expensive fashionable trend to another, all the while storing up problems for the future without providing any actual solutions. “This is the kind of thing that you will be seeing more and more from the Tories.” explained Mr Cameron, in turquoise cycling shorts and Day-Glo pink safety helmet. “I have been recently speaking on the environment, on immigration, on poverty and on security to name but four. This ’tosser’ brand is one that you will ...

Alec Billingsworth, manager at Premiership team Rotherington City United, today lashed out at the fans of the beleaguered club and urged them to get behind the team more. “They just aren’t trying hard enough, “ accused Mr Billingsworth. “My boys are out there week in, week out, running around in all weathers and what they need is some support. Some of these fans think they are just there as an audience. Really the twelfth man is under-performing.” Rotherington City United are languishing at the bottom of the Premiership and starting to lose ground in the relegation battle. Most football pundits lay the blame at the lack of command in midfield and the sieve like qualities of the left side of defence. However it appears the club itself believes the problems are in the stands and not on the pitch. Condemnation of the fans lack of effort has also come from the Rotherington board and in particular the club’s chairman, Bill Worthing. “It’s a diabolical performance almost every Saturday. They...

Figures from the Bank of England indicate that the False Economy is predicted to grow steadily throughout 2007 with a larger than normal seasonal growth from the end of 2006 and into the following spring. “Normally the boom time for the False Economy is the January sales, and whilst we expect this to continue we are also noticing an increase in pre-Christmas reductions on offer on the high street,” commented Callum Billingsworth, 19, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates. “We can therefore expect the False Economy to have two growth spurts especially in clothing and shoes retailing - as women believe they are indeed saving money by buying more expensive items than they normally would - a traditionally strong area of the false economy which has its firmest period at this time of year.” However, reflecting the progression to a more digital economy, the false savings market is expected to show a growth in “first month free” TV, broadband and phone deals - espe...

The Great British public has now developed a natural immunity to stories about H5N1 - the Bird Flu virus. So deadly has this inoculation become that there has been devastation across the news desks of media organisations. Spreading in the opposite direction to the over hyped disease has been a dearth of opportunities for headlines, stories and news reports from masked journalists. This wave of despair has travelled from the west of Europe towards the Far East. The inoculation has been carried by a migration of experience, science and common sense as the pandemic failed to materialise as each month passed. Realisation that more people die from falling over in the UK each year than have ever been diagnosed with Bird Flu in the entire world has provided the relief from the symptoms of media induced paranoia the country was under. Advertising executives too are suffering as even scurrilous throat lozenge advertising involving sneezing birds has been unable to scare the population into a fr...

(featured as front page story for 26/11/2006 on Newsbiscuit ) The country’s leading supermarket, Tesbury’s, today announced that it was introducing special checkouts for the “60s or over”. “We are always on the lookout for ways to make the shopping experience more appealing and we have noticed that a number of our older customers have special needs that are not being catered for in the normal shopping experience,” explained Hamish Billingsworth of Tesbury’s Public Relations. “This section of the community wants to be able to come in and have a chat during the checkout process. They want to be able to spend not only half an hour shopping but to suddenly remember something that they must have after a further ten minutes standing at the checkout.” To assist the over fifties the checkouts will only accept cheque or cash transactions for the exact amount, with the maximum denomination accepted being the pound coin. Cheques will only be accepted if they have been folded in four. The aisles w...

A new publication aims at helping those confused by today’s fast paced media driven lifestyle. The "Handbook for the Confused : Voices to be heard other than those in your head" is priced at £14.99 from all good bookshops. The book is aimed at all of us who struggle to tell the difference between the talented and the trained monkeys that we see on television and in the newspapers each day "to separate out Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee". It contains sections on politicians, sportsmen and women as well as media celebrities. An indicator of our times, it devotes a whole chapter to Reality TV Stars and the porn actors and actress that they would aspire to be. In the political chapter it explains that, despite the easy confusion over the fleet-of-footedness to avoid all trapdoors across either wing of the political stage, it is Tony, not Lionel, Blair who is the Prime Minister. The book provides a good explanation that whilst he always appears on TV as an authoritative and pat...

It was revealed recently that David Cameron recently met with a group of a dozen union leaders from various areas of public services. Whilst some of Mr Camerair’s followers were concerned about forging links with unions in principle, the Conservative Leader said that rather than continuing the traditional Tory attack on public service workers, they would “work together and, indeed, their distinctiveness would be added to that of Conservative policy“. Tavid Camerair was reversing a trend started by the “queen” of the Tories, Margaret Thatcher, when she began the war with the federation of Unions. Tonid Camerair, speaking on a tour of an NHS hospital said “There is a great sense of Enterprise within the health service. We need to get the details of this Enterprise back to within the sphere of Central Office were we can study the plans and use it to our advantage as we move inexorably towards the centre of human society.” Tavid Blamir continued “The future of public services is safe in ou...

The United States of America has said that it is prepared to discuss the future of Iraq with Iran and Syria. "More specifically," revealed Karl Billingsworthski, one of US President George Bush’s aides, "to decide who would like a go at this hot potato - I mean it would be nice if we could do the right thing by the country we destabilised but, well it’s a nightmare and we need to pass this onto someone else." "We are hoping to be able to pull at some fraternal heartstrings. For Iran there is Shia Muslim relationship - especially as the Shia in Iraq are calling for their own federal state anyway." explained Mr Billingsworthski, "For Syria, well their majority Sunni Muslim population would I am sure embrace the Iraqi Sunnis. One thing is for sure we just want out. It is a financial sink-hole. It’s clear enough people are not benefiting in the US from the vast reconstruction contracts as the mid-terms showed." In private, off the record briefings ot...

Today, at a press conference at the Duveen Gallery in the British Museum, Thomas Billingsworth, Curator of Sporting Competitions announced a new tournament to determine the rightful holders of the Elgin or Parthenon Marbles. This will finally solve a dispute that has been raging ever since the Earl of Elgin bought them from the Ottoman Empire that controlled Greece in 1806. “This has been a political and patriotic controversy for the last two centuries, with passionate argument for and against their siting in London or Athens,” remarked Mr. Billingsworth “In Britain we pride ourselves on fair play and so we are gathered here today at the inauguration of this new biannual competition. The winner of the series will be able to call themselves the Elgin Marbles Champions.” A press release confirmed that the new tournament will be played over a series of 5 Test matches with the winner of the series being crowned champions. The location of the tournament will alternate between Britain and Gr...

“We are very proud of the performance of the English Cricket team in their first match of the Ashes tour, very pleased indeed.” remarked Vincent Billingsworth, Under Secretary for Sports planning. “We have deployed a lot of resources into returning the team’s ability back to the normal playing standard and any other result may have been problematic.” Mr Billingsworth was speaking at a dinner for a large corporate sponsored sports charity. “Over the past decade we have worked hard on mediocrity in competition which is very important for the image of the UK and our sporting industries and media. “The England national football side has been the foremost bastion of such mediocrity. They have attained a standard of competition, not so terrible that we could never imagine them winning but sufficiently good that we could raise our hopes as each tournament nears, with endless column inches and hours of TV and radio time speculating on their prospects. If they ever attained that winning formula...

Investigators today confirmed that they are indeed investigating the role of the Prime Minister in the ongoing “cash for honours” controversy in light of new evidence reported across the media. “We have known for some time that this might go all the way to the top, but when the report into the effectiveness of inner city community policing came out it provided a rich mine of evidence.” explained Detective Jacob Billingsworth. Central to the investigation into the dealings of Number 10 is the revelation that ASBOs are seen by many delinquents as a “Badge of honour”. “It was at this point we searched back through the archives and uncovered the suggestions from the Prime Minister that people who indulge in anti-social behaviour should pay for it, possibly from cash machines.“ revealed Detective Billingsworth “We would like to emphasise that we don’t think any of the high street banks are knowingly involved.” “We are now investigating whether or not the Prime Minister’s statement regarding...

Today it was announced that forty million people in the UK will help support a small group of disadvantaged investors. The government backed Family Fund would be giving taxpayer’s money to those members of the Farepak Christmas club who lost out when the company collapsed. Following the announcement several corporate retail giants fell over themselves to be seen to be helping. Murial Billingsworth, an Under Secretary within the Department of Administrative Affairs, responded to questions from the media. “Essentially we are all too keen to give other people’s money to causes that we won’t believe anyone either cares enough about or would be offended by. Hence our taxes can now go to people who, ultimately, were after some posh Christmas puds. Who can object to such a thing? The media will love it - ‘Spirit of Christmas’ and all that.” “We love it,” exclaimed Bill Insworth, media consultant, “currently the news is all ‘Iraq this’, ‘US mid terms that’. Now we have this heart-warming story...

Secret memos from the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA have revealed a resurgent call from the religious-right to adhere more to biblical teaching. The memo from the head of the Glen-Rivers church Pastor Jesse Billingsworth read:- "When congress passed the laws restricting Internet gambling we all praised the lord, because gambling is, of course, a sin. Now we want to go further, and rid God’s Country of the filth that resides in Wall Street – The New York Stock Exchange, and its demonic cousin the NASDAQ. Satan has convinced the weak that these are something other, but they are just games of chance, buying low and hoping for a turn in the market is no more than hoping on the turn of a card." The memo went on to criticise what many see as the basis of US prosperity further. "In reality all of the liberal North East is based upon money lending and usury practices in many forms, most disguised by the great Lucifer. This is one area of fundament...

Today the leader of a sinister cult revealed more of his mysterious plans for those trapped on a small island - during what might be the final year of the waning saga. The leader is referred to as ‘Tony’ but this is known to be only a useful reference - sources indicate his true name will be revealed within the next year and Internet blog rumour is that it is ‘Gordon’. ‘Tony’ today spoke to some of the inhabitants from his lair in an old station of the mysterious “New Labour Initiative”. “This is our island,” explained ‘Tony’ “and we will run it as we see fit. We admit that we were unable to control a recent glut of immigration to our island but now that we have the entire place under CCTV surveillance from our other stations we can see every move of those trapped here. We know exactly what you are up to, but we will only reveal our plans slowly and in vague instalments.” ‘Tony’ continued “When we first came to this island, we were set to have an idyllic future even if we were lost, bu...

The 4x4 City Motoring Association has launched a new drive to recruit younger members with the slogan "Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO". Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the association unveiled the new advertising campaign. "It has become apparent that the youth of today see ASBOs as badges of honour which they feel represents a clear statement of anti-social behaviour. We in the 4x4 City Motoring Association feel we can provide an area of development for such young people as we believe nothing says Anti Social like parking a Chelsea Tractor on the kerb of a small road outside a primary school. "Using a massive 4x4 to get the shopping, or drop a toddler off at the nursery, makes the statement that we do not care about the community whose roads we clutter up nor the natural resources we consume sitting at traffic lights. Young hoodlums, with their tricked-up Vauxhall Novas belting out absurdly loud music are making the same statement. "We have so much in c...

Parents all over Britain have welcomed a new festival aimed at teenagers. Traditionally an untapped demographic they are notoriously difficult to entertain during school holidays. Event organisers hope to be able to tap into this market with "ChavFest ‘06" in time for the next school holidays. "We have modelled every aspect of ChavFest to be exactly what teenagers are after. Included in the price of the ticket will be transport to the ChavFest site including two train or bus tickets, one for the teenager and one for the seat opposite so that they can put their feet up." explained event co-ordinator "Bigger-T" Linsworth. "There will be specially themed areas at the festival for all the teen’s interests. There will be several war memorials and clock towers for them to congregate around in groups and we will have a few McDonald’s façades too." Bigger-T went on to elaborate – "We will have a full range of discounted clothes – all sorts of tacky,...

IRA sources today acknowledged that they can no longer compete on the international stage with the better funded players of Association Terror. A masked spokesman today outlined the IRA’s situation. “Whilst a lot of money has come into terror in the last few years, the funding for our condemnable acts is drying up. Really we have been outflanked by other groups.” A recent report into the state of murder within the world highlighted that the IRA, once a feared group with not only an international reputation for outrage and atrocity but also an extensive network of fanatical followers in several countries, has now been relegated to minor gangland status. “We were really outflanked by Al Qaeda, to be sure, their performances have been right at the top level but their chosen targets have made some our of fanatics, especially in America, re-evaluate support for funding brutality. Our traditional base of funding has dried up and, as we haven’t been in Europe for some time, we have lost links...

Newsbiscuit’s recently exposed the plight of the County of Midsomer and its falling population ( http://newsbiscuit.com/article/midsomer-plea-for-new-residents ) . Following our report a new international exchange programme is being established with the town of Cabot Cove in Maine, USA. Eileen Billingsworth is excited about her forthcoming trip as part of the first tranche of residents to spend a few weeks in each other’s towns. "Well, the massive public interest that followed the story meant we actually had a few offers for twinning and we will be pursuing all of them as much as we can. We will use Cabot Cove as a pilot and then we are looking to set up links with the Bailiwick of Jersey – our Chief Inspector has links with Jersey police." However, it is not expected to be all plain sailing out on the nautical East Coast of America. "This isn’t the first link up we tried - that was with St. Mary Mead, however the first town meeting ended after the Vicar was found drowne...

TV executives from all over the country have heralded the news that scientists may soon be able to pick up Extra Terrestrial TV signals. "Initially I thought, no we have to get onto digital" explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. "but once my secretary had asked her assistant to sober me up, I realised the boffins were talking about Alien television and, well really that was much more exciting." Hillary Binsworth the Head of Video Rental Selection at Five was equally enthusiastic. "To be honest, most of the public has yet to realise it, but some of us in the heart of the industry can see a day soon when we have run out of programme ideas. Reality TV is dead and we can’t rehash the format with celebrities too much. There are only so many ways to dress up programmes based around text voting and, well we have done them all. Celebrity NHS Face Transplant Postcode Lottery might be the very last before the quality drops. So if we can ...

“It’s madness.” complained Councillor Helen Billingsworth “It is just completely idiotic and badly thought through.” Councillor Billingsworth was commenting on a recent planning application for more renewable energy power generation and the plans that have been proposed for two new sites in the Cumbrian Mountains. “Being born and bred in a rural area, I absolutely support any action that helps the environment. Renewable energy is vital to that. But really? A Wind Farm? Up on the majestic hilltops surrounding Keswick and Derwant water, which some people say is the most mystic and tranquil of the wonderful lakes? Really its madness!” she ranted. “Obviously it would be an eyesore, but it isn’t even practical. Have you been up there? It is windy enough for God’s sake! What do we need more wind for? The gusts get up to over 100mph and some lunatic wants to put bloody big fans the size of tower blocks up there to blow more wind around. Madness I tell you!” frothed Councillor Billingsworth at...

Conservative spokesmen have expressed concern that the changes to the rights of immigrant workers from new member states of the EU would not effect the general problem of immigration and, therefore, would possibly lead to an increase in illegal working. John Reid and David Davis squared up to each other during the "Endless Talk" show on the new channel Sky Political News 7. Dr Reid took the opportunity to poor scorn on Tory concerns "It is gratifying that the Tories acknowledge that as the economy is growing we need skilled workers. Since everyone else is going to university to read media studies rather than having any tangible talent it is vital to the British economy and the nation’s finances through taxation that we have an influx of new talent" David Davis countered that "thousands, if not billions, maybe, of murderers, it says in the Daily Mail, will just come in to the country through our open immigration policy and work illegally. These proposals do noth...

Scientists at the Kleenex Institute for Headline Grabbing Research today announced the results of their findings into mobile phone usage and the effects on male fertility. 364 men were left in isolation and allowed to use their mobile phones as normal before having their sperm count and quality tested at the end of the day. The results showed a direct link between the amount and type of mobile usage and the quality of their sperm. Those who used their phones the least had the most active sperm with the highest counts. Indeed they were also abreast of current affairs and able to hold engaging conversations with female lab assistants. Those who used “video text dating services” were found to have moderate sperm counts with only a small number of inactive or badly swimming sperm. They were also reasonably amiable and not at all flushed in the face or tired and their mobile phone bills were deemed to be “manageable”. Those who used their phones heavily, over 4 hours of the day, in addition...

Earlier today Hungarian and foreign officials as well as veterans of the October Uprising commemorated the 50th anniversary of the country’s failed revolution against oppression by laying flowers at various services across Budapest. The current Hungarian government then proceeded to re-enact the events of 50 years ago by firmly suppressing modern day dissent and protests using tear gas and water cannons. "It was a great success," commented Prime Minister Gyurcsany, "we were able to really bring home the trauma and terror of half a century ago, especially at the railway station. Hopefully tonight I shall be able to get some tanks onto the streets and perhaps some live firing into crowds. I don’t know if I can guarantee a fully fledged massacre but hopefully a few petrol bombs can really light up such a special day." The Hungarian Government has been roundly criticised for the nature of these events as 50 years ago Budapest was adorned with Soviet style posters and st...

Scientists today announced the creation of the world’s first invisibility cloak. Professor J Scott Billingsworth unveiled the invention to a packed news conference. "It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation." Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers. STOP PRESS One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as t...

A man today told reporters how having taken a couple of days off, because of the flu, he became stuck in a timewarp. "It was like the movie Groundhog Day where the lead character – played by the arrogant Ghostbuster – had to relive the same day’s events over and over again." said a clearly relieved Bert Billingsworth upon returning to conventional time. Bert told a press conference at Humberside Police headquarters how he had retired to his bed, in Beverley Road in Hull, with some Lemsip and nodded off whilst watching Home Improvement on the Freeview Digital channel ABC1. "I remember it quite clearly, because it was the episode where Tim ‘the toolman’ Taylor was infatuated by an attractive TV reporter and I could relate to how his wife Jill felt as she also had the flu too. But, when I awoke, I found that despite having had a really good long restful sleep the same episode was just starting on the TV." Humberside Police said that there were no reported atmospheric c...

Amy Billingsworth today admitted that she may never have actually saved any money in a clothing sale. "For years I have done as much shopping as possible in the sales and you know if it was a 50% saving I assumed I was saving 50%, - but recently my five year old son came shopping with me and he is good with numbers". Toby Billingsworth had been helping his mum work out how much money she was saving in the sales on a recent trip to the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. When after 6 hours Toby struggled and blurted out "it's less than zero" Amy realised something may be wrong. "I have been over it with my girlfriends and none of us really understand the maths of it. When I go shopping in the sales I look for stuff – you know half off. Now clearly what this means is that I can buy something twice as good for only the same money and I am saving half the cost. See, say I would normally spend £80 on a pair of shoes, in a 50% off sale I can buy £200 pair for £100...

In a press announcement today, the Institute of Arbitrary Comparisons declared it will soon be commencing its end of year assessment of the Standard International Comparative Table. Sources within the Institute have hinted that the table will have a radical expansion from its current arrangement of sliced bread at the top and everything else ever invented in joint second place. A senior official, who did not want to be named – but was probably called Billingsworth – revealed that the more conservative members of the seventy-eight year old institute are likely to fight strongly as since its inception the comparative standard has always been "best thing since sliced bread". "The thing is," Professor Maureen Billingsworth confided, "it has always been a pretty easy arrangement. Since 1928 the Institute has been based on the Rohwedder Rating. This re-appraisal will mean extra work and, well no one likes that as much as they liked having to use a bread knife back in...

A senior British military leader, Colonel Arnold Talbot Wilson who took control of the military situation in Iraq in 1920, has spoken out against the insurgent situation in the newly liberated middle eastern state and declared that the role of the British Military must change. He went on to further assert his belief that the situation in Iraq complicates British interests elsewhere. Speaking today, from his office in 1920, Colonel Wilson said “The situation such as the Mosul uprising has been caused directly by the mandate issued by the ‘League of Nations of the willing’. I believe that when this rebellion has finally been put down - 86 years ago - that British troops would then be able to withdraw from the area and perhaps be home in time for ‘The White Horse FA cup final’ – assuming the Empire Stadium at Wembley’s roof is finished in time.” Colonel Wilson said that whilst there were many people that felt the initial occupation may have been about securing access to the vast oil field...

Occasional rain forest chat show pseudo-expert and part time pop singer Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner, real name Sting, has hit out at followers of the Star Trek family of television shows. He reserved his most severe venom for those in the Internet community that follow and discuss the first of the canon spin off series, Star Trek : The Next Generation. Sting acknowledged that Star Trek Animated Adventures was not considered part of the official story line. “The problem is that I spend a lot of time ego surfing - you know looking for references to yourself on the Internet. I search for reports on my efforts to save the Planet Earth but quite often am frustrated to find the report is about STTNG, a shorthand for Star Trek: The Next Generation, rather than myself STING. Many other people out there in internetland must be similarly confused as it is me that is saving the galaxy, the earth or humanity, not a group of highly trained vocationalists from the future.” complained the one time G...

A leaked government research paper has revealed radical plans by the Department of Transportation to shake up local transport within the UK. The white paper detailed the provision of an extensive array of Bus Replacement Rail services throughout the country. The report stated that “Her Majesty’s government has noted the increase in road traffic, especially the increase in bus services on routes between local areas of habitation. Some of these bus routes run similar paths to the extensive interconnecting narrow strips of land that are marked with parallel metal lines. “The historic usage of these metal ‘rails’ has been hotly debated. What is known about them is that they were built by the Victorian industrialists but the purpose has been lost. Her Majesty’s Government proposes to make use of this mysterious infrastructure to provide direct services at high speed using electric powered carriages.” The plans could see trains of carriages travelling at speeds over 100mph between local and ...

The National Basketball Association today announced the results of its investigation into the fan’s rebellion after the NBA finals in June. During the summer thousands of basketball fans suddenly realised that most of the game was entirely pointless and that it was only the final quarter that really mattered to the result. All over America there were complaints to teams, and sports radio phone ins were deluged by callers who suddenly realised what a great waste of time most of the game was. Indeed one of the biggest websites of this year has been 36outof53.com – a reference to the proportion of gameplay to elapsed time that occurs before the all important fourth quarter starts. Kurt Billingsworth, Chief Commissionner and President of Shareholder Relations, today announced to a packed media conference – “Well, the game is up and we have been well and truly found out on this one. For decades we have managed to build this business and its franchises up on the illusion of speed, excitement...