Surreal Scoop

The trial continued today of a man accused of several charges of theft and battery following an afternoon crime spree including receiving stolen goods. The man was identified as Jason Billingsworth, 21, from Reading but identified himself only as ThundaHawk85 and claimed to be from Kharanos in Dun Morogh. The court heard how Mr Billingsworth had arrived at The Oracle shopping centre and proceeded to various shops. The first altercation came in the queue of the shop GAME where Mr Billingsworth is accused of assault over the last remaining copy of the “Gears of War” console game. Witnesses say that Mr Billingsworth shouted loudly “F.F.S. You loser, You would suck anyway. Loll” before pushing another shopper to the ground and taking the game from his hands as well as the shopper’s money. Throwing the money at the sales assistant, Mr Billingsworth then allegedly ran out of the shop shouting “You’ve been owned by the Guild of the Red Faction.” The court further heard how Mr Billingsworth ev...

The Conservative Party has reacted to the controversy surrounding their recently launched ’tosser within’ internet video. “It is a provocative advertising campaign aimed at young people and students, “ explained David Cameron. “There is an old Chinese proverb: 'Tell me and I will forget. Show me, and I will remember.' and with the visualisation of a ’tosser’ we hope to be able to show the nation what we stand for and hope they will remember”. The advert features an irritating and badly dressed figure who encourages people to swap from one expensive fashionable trend to another, all the while storing up problems for the future without providing any actual solutions. “This is the kind of thing that you will be seeing more and more from the Tories.” explained Mr Cameron, in turquoise cycling shorts and Day-Glo pink safety helmet. “I have been recently speaking on the environment, on immigration, on poverty and on security to name but four. This ’tosser’ brand is one that you will ...

Alec Billingsworth, manager at Premiership team Rotherington City United, today lashed out at the fans of the beleaguered club and urged them to get behind the team more. “They just aren’t trying hard enough, “ accused Mr Billingsworth. “My boys are out there week in, week out, running around in all weathers and what they need is some support. Some of these fans think they are just there as an audience. Really the twelfth man is under-performing.” Rotherington City United are languishing at the bottom of the Premiership and starting to lose ground in the relegation battle. Most football pundits lay the blame at the lack of command in midfield and the sieve like qualities of the left side of defence. However it appears the club itself believes the problems are in the stands and not on the pitch. Condemnation of the fans lack of effort has also come from the Rotherington board and in particular the club’s chairman, Bill Worthing. “It’s a diabolical performance almost every Saturday. They...

Figures from the Bank of England indicate that the False Economy is predicted to grow steadily throughout 2007 with a larger than normal seasonal growth from the end of 2006 and into the following spring. “Normally the boom time for the False Economy is the January sales, and whilst we expect this to continue we are also noticing an increase in pre-Christmas reductions on offer on the high street,” commented Callum Billingsworth, 19, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates. “We can therefore expect the False Economy to have two growth spurts especially in clothing and shoes retailing - as women believe they are indeed saving money by buying more expensive items than they normally would - a traditionally strong area of the false economy which has its firmest period at this time of year.” However, reflecting the progression to a more digital economy, the false savings market is expected to show a growth in “first month free” TV, broadband and phone deals - espe...

The Great British public has now developed a natural immunity to stories about H5N1 - the Bird Flu virus. So deadly has this inoculation become that there has been devastation across the news desks of media organisations. Spreading in the opposite direction to the over hyped disease has been a dearth of opportunities for headlines, stories and news reports from masked journalists. This wave of despair has travelled from the west of Europe towards the Far East. The inoculation has been carried by a migration of experience, science and common sense as the pandemic failed to materialise as each month passed. Realisation that more people die from falling over in the UK each year than have ever been diagnosed with Bird Flu in the entire world has provided the relief from the symptoms of media induced paranoia the country was under. Advertising executives too are suffering as even scurrilous throat lozenge advertising involving sneezing birds has been unable to scare the population into a fr...

(featured as front page story for 26/11/2006 on Newsbiscuit ) The country’s leading supermarket, Tesbury’s, today announced that it was introducing special checkouts for the “60s or over”. “We are always on the lookout for ways to make the shopping experience more appealing and we have noticed that a number of our older customers have special needs that are not being catered for in the normal shopping experience,” explained Hamish Billingsworth of Tesbury’s Public Relations. “This section of the community wants to be able to come in and have a chat during the checkout process. They want to be able to spend not only half an hour shopping but to suddenly remember something that they must have after a further ten minutes standing at the checkout.” To assist the over fifties the checkouts will only accept cheque or cash transactions for the exact amount, with the maximum denomination accepted being the pound coin. Cheques will only be accepted if they have been folded in four. The aisles w...

A new publication aims at helping those confused by today’s fast paced media driven lifestyle. The "Handbook for the Confused : Voices to be heard other than those in your head" is priced at £14.99 from all good bookshops. The book is aimed at all of us who struggle to tell the difference between the talented and the trained monkeys that we see on television and in the newspapers each day "to separate out Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee". It contains sections on politicians, sportsmen and women as well as media celebrities. An indicator of our times, it devotes a whole chapter to Reality TV Stars and the porn actors and actress that they would aspire to be. In the political chapter it explains that, despite the easy confusion over the fleet-of-footedness to avoid all trapdoors across either wing of the political stage, it is Tony, not Lionel, Blair who is the Prime Minister. The book provides a good explanation that whilst he always appears on TV as an authoritative and pat...

It was revealed recently that David Cameron recently met with a group of a dozen union leaders from various areas of public services. Whilst some of Mr Camerair’s followers were concerned about forging links with unions in principle, the Conservative Leader said that rather than continuing the traditional Tory attack on public service workers, they would “work together and, indeed, their distinctiveness would be added to that of Conservative policy“. Tavid Camerair was reversing a trend started by the “queen” of the Tories, Margaret Thatcher, when she began the war with the federation of Unions. Tonid Camerair, speaking on a tour of an NHS hospital said “There is a great sense of Enterprise within the health service. We need to get the details of this Enterprise back to within the sphere of Central Office were we can study the plans and use it to our advantage as we move inexorably towards the centre of human society.” Tavid Blamir continued “The future of public services is safe in ou...

The United States of America has said that it is prepared to discuss the future of Iraq with Iran and Syria. "More specifically," revealed Karl Billingsworthski, one of US President George Bush’s aides, "to decide who would like a go at this hot potato - I mean it would be nice if we could do the right thing by the country we destabilised but, well it’s a nightmare and we need to pass this onto someone else." "We are hoping to be able to pull at some fraternal heartstrings. For Iran there is Shia Muslim relationship - especially as the Shia in Iraq are calling for their own federal state anyway." explained Mr Billingsworthski, "For Syria, well their majority Sunni Muslim population would I am sure embrace the Iraqi Sunnis. One thing is for sure we just want out. It is a financial sink-hole. It’s clear enough people are not benefiting in the US from the vast reconstruction contracts as the mid-terms showed." In private, off the record briefings ot...

Today, at a press conference at the Duveen Gallery in the British Museum, Thomas Billingsworth, Curator of Sporting Competitions announced a new tournament to determine the rightful holders of the Elgin or Parthenon Marbles. This will finally solve a dispute that has been raging ever since the Earl of Elgin bought them from the Ottoman Empire that controlled Greece in 1806. “This has been a political and patriotic controversy for the last two centuries, with passionate argument for and against their siting in London or Athens,” remarked Mr. Billingsworth “In Britain we pride ourselves on fair play and so we are gathered here today at the inauguration of this new biannual competition. The winner of the series will be able to call themselves the Elgin Marbles Champions.” A press release confirmed that the new tournament will be played over a series of 5 Test matches with the winner of the series being crowned champions. The location of the tournament will alternate between Britain and Gr...

“We are very proud of the performance of the English Cricket team in their first match of the Ashes tour, very pleased indeed.” remarked Vincent Billingsworth, Under Secretary for Sports planning. “We have deployed a lot of resources into returning the team’s ability back to the normal playing standard and any other result may have been problematic.” Mr Billingsworth was speaking at a dinner for a large corporate sponsored sports charity. “Over the past decade we have worked hard on mediocrity in competition which is very important for the image of the UK and our sporting industries and media. “The England national football side has been the foremost bastion of such mediocrity. They have attained a standard of competition, not so terrible that we could never imagine them winning but sufficiently good that we could raise our hopes as each tournament nears, with endless column inches and hours of TV and radio time speculating on their prospects. If they ever attained that winning formula...

Investigators today confirmed that they are indeed investigating the role of the Prime Minister in the ongoing “cash for honours” controversy in light of new evidence reported across the media. “We have known for some time that this might go all the way to the top, but when the report into the effectiveness of inner city community policing came out it provided a rich mine of evidence.” explained Detective Jacob Billingsworth. Central to the investigation into the dealings of Number 10 is the revelation that ASBOs are seen by many delinquents as a “Badge of honour”. “It was at this point we searched back through the archives and uncovered the suggestions from the Prime Minister that people who indulge in anti-social behaviour should pay for it, possibly from cash machines.“ revealed Detective Billingsworth “We would like to emphasise that we don’t think any of the high street banks are knowingly involved.” “We are now investigating whether or not the Prime Minister’s statement regarding...

Today it was announced that forty million people in the UK will help support a small group of disadvantaged investors. The government backed Family Fund would be giving taxpayer’s money to those members of the Farepak Christmas club who lost out when the company collapsed. Following the announcement several corporate retail giants fell over themselves to be seen to be helping. Murial Billingsworth, an Under Secretary within the Department of Administrative Affairs, responded to questions from the media. “Essentially we are all too keen to give other people’s money to causes that we won’t believe anyone either cares enough about or would be offended by. Hence our taxes can now go to people who, ultimately, were after some posh Christmas puds. Who can object to such a thing? The media will love it - ‘Spirit of Christmas’ and all that.” “We love it,” exclaimed Bill Insworth, media consultant, “currently the news is all ‘Iraq this’, ‘US mid terms that’. Now we have this heart-warming story...

Secret memos from the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA have revealed a resurgent call from the religious-right to adhere more to biblical teaching. The memo from the head of the Glen-Rivers church Pastor Jesse Billingsworth read:- "When congress passed the laws restricting Internet gambling we all praised the lord, because gambling is, of course, a sin. Now we want to go further, and rid God’s Country of the filth that resides in Wall Street – The New York Stock Exchange, and its demonic cousin the NASDAQ. Satan has convinced the weak that these are something other, but they are just games of chance, buying low and hoping for a turn in the market is no more than hoping on the turn of a card." The memo went on to criticise what many see as the basis of US prosperity further. "In reality all of the liberal North East is based upon money lending and usury practices in many forms, most disguised by the great Lucifer. This is one area of fundament...

Today the leader of a sinister cult revealed more of his mysterious plans for those trapped on a small island - during what might be the final year of the waning saga. The leader is referred to as ‘Tony’ but this is known to be only a useful reference - sources indicate his true name will be revealed within the next year and Internet blog rumour is that it is ‘Gordon’. ‘Tony’ today spoke to some of the inhabitants from his lair in an old station of the mysterious “New Labour Initiative”. “This is our island,” explained ‘Tony’ “and we will run it as we see fit. We admit that we were unable to control a recent glut of immigration to our island but now that we have the entire place under CCTV surveillance from our other stations we can see every move of those trapped here. We know exactly what you are up to, but we will only reveal our plans slowly and in vague instalments.” ‘Tony’ continued “When we first came to this island, we were set to have an idyllic future even if we were lost, bu...

The 4x4 City Motoring Association has launched a new drive to recruit younger members with the slogan "Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO". Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the association unveiled the new advertising campaign. "It has become apparent that the youth of today see ASBOs as badges of honour which they feel represents a clear statement of anti-social behaviour. We in the 4x4 City Motoring Association feel we can provide an area of development for such young people as we believe nothing says Anti Social like parking a Chelsea Tractor on the kerb of a small road outside a primary school. "Using a massive 4x4 to get the shopping, or drop a toddler off at the nursery, makes the statement that we do not care about the community whose roads we clutter up nor the natural resources we consume sitting at traffic lights. Young hoodlums, with their tricked-up Vauxhall Novas belting out absurdly loud music are making the same statement. "We have so much in c...

Parents all over Britain have welcomed a new festival aimed at teenagers. Traditionally an untapped demographic they are notoriously difficult to entertain during school holidays. Event organisers hope to be able to tap into this market with "ChavFest ‘06" in time for the next school holidays. "We have modelled every aspect of ChavFest to be exactly what teenagers are after. Included in the price of the ticket will be transport to the ChavFest site including two train or bus tickets, one for the teenager and one for the seat opposite so that they can put their feet up." explained event co-ordinator "Bigger-T" Linsworth. "There will be specially themed areas at the festival for all the teen’s interests. There will be several war memorials and clock towers for them to congregate around in groups and we will have a few McDonald’s façades too." Bigger-T went on to elaborate – "We will have a full range of discounted clothes – all sorts of tacky,...

IRA sources today acknowledged that they can no longer compete on the international stage with the better funded players of Association Terror. A masked spokesman today outlined the IRA’s situation. “Whilst a lot of money has come into terror in the last few years, the funding for our condemnable acts is drying up. Really we have been outflanked by other groups.” A recent report into the state of murder within the world highlighted that the IRA, once a feared group with not only an international reputation for outrage and atrocity but also an extensive network of fanatical followers in several countries, has now been relegated to minor gangland status. “We were really outflanked by Al Qaeda, to be sure, their performances have been right at the top level but their chosen targets have made some our of fanatics, especially in America, re-evaluate support for funding brutality. Our traditional base of funding has dried up and, as we haven’t been in Europe for some time, we have lost links...