Surreal Scoop

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi , continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch , are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:- The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day. Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born. First footsteps on the moon – th...

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture. “We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.” Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere. “It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screame...

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities . And Manchester. “Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth . “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.” The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of...

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it? “I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.” Many of the so-called rioters are pro...

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100. “Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.” The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.” “We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billin...

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor. “I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show , was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.” Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that ph...

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier. “I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy . “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.” The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80. “Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obvio...