Surreal Scoop

This Christmas has seen a record number of complaints from households the length and breadth of the country due to a batch of faulty 'ChatNav' systems. “Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.” The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as families get together for possibly the only time of the year. Many people struggle to navigate the tricky path through family history whilst avoiding known incident blackspots at frosty receptions which may involve long journeys across thin ice. “Of course at Christmas the problem will have been exacerbated by alcohol,” said the Professor. “This can cause people to drive headlong into ar...

In a radio interview the newly elected leader of the Liberal Democrats has revealed that he does not believe in the legendary figures central to the Christmas festivities. “I do not believe in Father Christmas, however I have enormous respect for people who do believe in imaginary figures at this time of year,” said Nick Clegg. The new Lib-Dem leader also revealed that whilst his wife shares in non-belief - as a Catholic she does not believe in rights for women – he said he would not be forcing his non-belief on his children, who are instead being brought up to revere myths and superstition. “My children are also being brought up as Catholics and therefore do indeed believe in invisible and imaginary men with bushy white beards who are said to be continually watching every child’s behaviour. They call Him God,” said Mr Clegg. The election of Mr Clegg makes the Liberal Democrats unique among political parties in having a rational thinker as leader. The previous New Labour leader, Tony B...

It is always difficult to know what gifts to give many members of the family or friends at this time of year. One Leeds based entrepreneur has moved to fill a niche in the market for those of us with a long list of people to buy for, of which we have limited personal knowledge. “A lot of people at work, or branches of the family we only see at Christmas, know little about me other than I play golf,” said Martin Billingsworth. “Every Christmas or birthday I receive a collection of various golf-themed socks, or a couple of tees with a Golf ball patterned hip-flask. Whatever the BHS Christmas section is selling really.” It was the problem of buying for distant family members or unloved friends that gave Mr Billingsworth the idea for his own range of themed presents. His company 'Ticking Box Gifts' has thousands of re-branded items to help those shopping for people that they don't really know that well. “We probably have the gift to match that small basic piece of information w...

Xiao Birrings, an 8 year old worker at a clothing factory just outside Beijing, has become the world's youngest leader of an international charity. “When I heard of the plight of the middle-managers in South East England I was in tears,” said Xiao during his five minute lunch break. “Of course that could also have been caused by the noxious fumes from the dyes we use to make Western Children's clothes,” he added. Master Birrings said that he could really empathise with the group of IT professionals who were faced with having to travel an extra ten miles by heated transport to get to work each day or face redundancy. “I know exactly how they feel,” said Xiao who leaves home at 4am each day to walk, barefoot, the ten miles to the factory job he uses to support his six younger siblings and his elderly grandparents. “I too have only known this one job for most of my life and know what a trauma it would be to lose it.” Xiao said that he was lucky to have his fourteen-hours-a-day job...

Fed up with constant questions from working friends as to what he was up to on his career break, IT consultant Jericho Billingsworth has declared himself to be “working from home”. “You know what the modern office is like, half the time no-one actually comes in, they say they are working from home instead,” said Mr Billingsworth. “We all know that involves checking a few e-mails whilst sitting in your underpants, watching loads of daytime TV – that just happens to be on – and taking the chance to do your washing and free up your weekend. Well, that is just like being unemployed.” Mr Billingsworth said that not only was his 'working from home' more honest than most of those salaried employees that use the description, he also claimed he was more productive. “To be honest, if I had an office to go to, I wouldn't achieve as much,” he said via telephone over the traditional background noise of the busy home office – the clatter of cups in the local Costa Coffee. “I would probab...

The actors' union, Equity, today revealed surprising figures regarding the growth of what the adult entertainment industry refers to as OAPorn. "As the population gets older we are seeing an increased demand for Adult 'Art Movies' that the increasingly ageing consumer can relate to," explained Fiona Knight , Equity spokeswoman and former YouTube actress. "The genre has seen great demand for actors who make convincing widows and 'Meals On Wheels' deliverymen. Ever popular are elevator fantasies, where the user and their care assistant are trapped in the wheelchair lift." Equity says that as demand has increased from today's more active pensioner it has enabled porn actors to prolong their performances in the genre. "Now that NHS joint replacements have become so efficient and recovery so quick the adult film industry is able to chase the grey porn pound," said Ms Knight. "It can be quite lucrative, especially for actresses that ...

Today the man feared lost and adrift in a boat without a paddle gave a more detailed account to the Police of his mysterious amnesia regarding the events of the past decade. “The last thing I remember was coming to grief in a turbulent meeting in the Granita restaurant in Islington in 1997, where my course to take the helm of the country became floundered by 'Typhoon Tony'.” said Gordon Brown, the figure at the centre of investigations into financial wrongdoings. “The next thing I know I am in central London amid a storm of controversy over my party's finances and with the political tide turning against me.” Mr Brown's motivations for this disclosure are unclear, however Police believe he is being more forthcoming since he learnt that his long term partner had retired to the middle-east on the ill-gotten gains of the last decade. The Prime Minister is believed to be keen to take his predecessor down with him after evidence that he is enjoying the lucrative rewards garne...

The controversy surrounding the transparency of Labour Party fund-raising was ratcheted up another notch when the Prince of Darkness, a noted non-British citizen of ill-repute, denied being the true donor of several millions of pounds given through numerous proxies. "Whilst it is true that I act through others, especially those whose hands are idle," said the supernatural being who is also known as Beelzebub. "I would never wish to have my name linked to an organisation with the reputation of New Labour. After all I have been a life long Conservative supporter." Despite ongoing reforms to political party funding, it has been a long-standing tradition for donors to use assumed names or proxies so as to reduce the publicity their donations generate. For example, tens of millions of pounds have been received by all parties from people claiming to work in the Defence Industry, an assumed name for the world's traders in deadly offensive weapons and torture equipment....

The teddy bear that was previously named Muhammad by schoolchildren was today sentenced by judges in Khartoum for its part in the controversy that led to the imprisonment of English schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons. “We take any insults to our religion very seriously, ” said Ali Billing-Laden an Islamic scholar who gave evidence at the bear's hearing. “Once again the west has insulted the Great Prophet, peace be upon him, and this will no longer be tolerated.” The bear, formerly known as Muhammad, has been sentenced to be flogged on ‘eBay Sudan’, with no expectation of a reserve. Postage and packing has been set at a stinging £400 however the bear is likely to be simply placed in a cardboard box and lashed with bubble wrap. A statement from the Unity High School in Sudan, where Ms Gibbons worked, said that there had never been any complaints over other toys that have been named by the children. “Those are completely different to this insult,” said Ali Billing-Laden. “Why should anyone...