Thursday, December 31, 2009

Review of the Year 2009 – with James “Bloody” Corden

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back.

Thank you, now let us proceed.

As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden!

Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!, Yes YOU!! Thank You!! James Corden here. You might remember me from "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" or perhaps the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" Christmas Special. Or maybe "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" on Comic Relief.

Well, this year has been one of the biggest – almost as big as me – geddit?! Ha, that used to slay them on the set of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – I was in that you know. Anyway this review isn't about me it's about everything that happened in 2009 – such as the release of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" DVD.

It seems so long ago – in fact the people who lived in January used to go to something called “Schools” – I believe that's were my most loyal fans go during the day. The year started with a shock when it became apparent Andrew Sachs was still alive .

Also in 2009, a gaunt and thin-looking Steve Jobs caused a technology stampede
with the launch of the iDiet.

Air travel was much in the news in January –
Emma Thompson wanted to make sure that she never had to sit next to people like you on a transatlantic flight and planners tried to compromise between environmentalists and travellers with plans for Heathrow's 3rd runway to be situated on the River Thames.

One of the biggest events of the last two millennia also happened in January - and I should know about big, because I am hilariously fat – when America confirmed it wanted change by
inaugurating its latest era of change in, for a change. Change? I have a lot in common with Barack Obama's speeches, my career is also based on width not content.

TV news was rocked to the core as TV news made the TV news headlines when
radical news broadcaster SKY News took the BBC to task whilst vehemently agreeing with BBC policy . It was a consensus second only to the critics' opinions of the sketch show that I co-wrote with Gavin out of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", who I starred in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" with.

Also in January was a media event of the same magnitude as the straight to bargain bin Lesbian Vampire movie – which I made with Mathew Horne who was also in “Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In” - January saw the release of the
Third Volume of the Surreal Scoop compendium. This wasn't fat and therefore could not have been funny, unlike me .

Oh and the government insisted that
everyone should be an abusive, screaming tosser by 2012.


February eh? I was on the telly a lot, helped by the growth of huge widescreen TVs because then I could be fatter funnier. But the month started badly for the patient whose nurse prescribed some mumbo-jumbo.
A key audience for my humour are children – because they find fat bellies funny, and I have a huge repertoire of fat belly. So I can empathise that the
kids are having it hard, but not large, unlike me.

Ah kids, they are the young people who make our burgers, our frothy coffees and when they leave school clean our toilets and drink cheap cider under bridges, none of which would be possible without the
determination of teachers to have snow-days .

There was a revelation in televised sport when
Arsene Wenger finally snapped when he once again failed to see a major incident at an Arsenal match.

However the biggest story of the month – and therefore surely the funniest – was the news that
Sir Fred Goodwin was soiling his trousers on the way to the bank.

March is a very violent month, just look at the comments about the sketch show that I did, after being in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", with Mathew Horne, who was also in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". I did some of my fattest jokes in that sketch show as well. Amazing.

It started off with news that
Scottish kids would be given an extra four years of practice before they could be caged, as animals. Then it became fashionable for people to be hit in faces. The nation wondered why his attacker did not throw something more sturdy into Lord Mandelson's face Although custard is very fattening and therefore helps a comedy career. Then sadly we learnt that it was only one Manchester United fan punched in the face. Bummer.

The month ended in the sad battle of the princesses [] . Neither was particularly fat,so clearly this was a sombre occasion.


April was a quiet month, so very quiet. Especially during the recordings of our sketch show. On a lighter note, North Korea made another mad claim about their technological progress and the media got into a hissy fit over politicians taking direct action – I.e. smearing each other directly.

It was all about ends in May. Many said the end of my career, but the final shows of the hit "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" show, which I am in, were to be at Christmas. It was the end of the expenses gravy train for many, whilst others swore allegiance to our cash , it was the end of an era, as pensioners were thrown out on the street with only millions of pounds to ease the pain and as a story that could be run every month of every year, someone we haven't heard of splits from someone we don't know.
There was only one story in June. Who else would
Martin Bashir drive to their death ?

July was of course one of the the funniest months. Because the funniest thing, fat was in the news, when fat women decided it was clothes that made them look fat. Sadly it wasn't all world class cerebral humour, no there was also news of a new first class service for bankers

Pigs, they are known to be fat, and so should be funny, but no one was laughing because we had
all died of Swine Flu.

Of course we all died of in July, but some of us risk dying again when it became apparent that
Swine Flu and Katie Jordan aka Price had come into contact leading to a new mutation . Some people only died once this month, but I died repeatedly, since our sketch show was repeated on BBC3.

If by some fluke you hadn't died of Swine Flu then of course healthcare would kill you – just ask anal expert Glenn Beck.

Everyone was getting into the latest fad –
tying children to things – and new world records were being set.

My comedy career was not the only thing going up in flames but
right-wing politicians in Africa said that there was just no point helping Californians in their struggles.

The craze of
tying children to something continued for another month. That is the kind of longevity which I hope to aspire to as a comedy writer.

Of course, not only was there the Horne & Corden show, but other outrages too, such as that felt by baboons and confusion when someone we didn't know had a job, left it.

Probably the biggest news story was that
Gordon Brown had not secured a deal with Colonel Gaddafi to ensure no deals where ever made.

Political correctness took a turn for the better when the
TUC called for the banning of women's underwear.

Such a big month, but strangely whilst fat with stories, it didn't seem hilariously funny – which is flying against all my comedy instincts. Still at least we had good news in that the
British economy had once again been saved by the government.

October came and it was an interesting revelation to find out that the
Daily Mail was backing Princess Diana at the next election.

On the economic front, it turned out that those who contributed least demanded the greatest remuneration:
Teenage boys wanted a pocket money increase to £120,000 per week;a youthful politician had pledged to do a days work and yet another person shit at their job demanded more money not to do it. This trend would continue in December with bankers bonuses and me following Jenson Button around at award ceremonies.

But of course, Christmas was coming and so we had to have a
strike by postal workers – and mysteriously few noticed a difference in the quality of service. One thing was certain though, the economy would recover by Christmas .

Ah November. The month were we try to keep the pledges from previous years before making other for next year. Nothing could be truer than the
pledges made by politicians on the big European questions and comedians who pledge to try and be funny without just jiggling their huge comedy bellies up and down.

So much can be read into what you sign up into – it can reveal that you are the
most evil person in history – but when I signed up to a sketch in which I was naked well that was a pledge of comedy gold, because I am hilariously fat!

Wow, it is still November and we had yet another instance of people being shit at their jobs yet demanding more for doing it, this time
female MPs who admit that they just aren't up to the task in hand

The big - and I should know about big as I have said the same thing so many times so far in this review of the year so why are you not laughing? Well you will because December is all about "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – the big news was that
the Sun had transferred its allegiance – they wrote some nasty things about our sketch show, whereas they had always said great things about the sitcom "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In".

December – the month of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" finale. New readers of this review of the year may not be aware that I am in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". Well I am. I am one of the stars. The biggest star – literally – and therefore the funniest. Apart from that fat bird too but she didn't have a “straight to remainder bin” hit movie like I did.

In December the Irish continued to sulk about losing a football match to a handball and decided to change all the rules. This led to
England demanding compensation for the 1986 world cup.

December is also a month of traditions such as the now
traditional mauling of children by dangerous beasts.

The gravy train made a return journey through the wintry weather when bankers who were shit wanted more money or they would take their shitness elsewhere. Basically the same argument that fat, and therefore funny, comedians have with their agents every year.

Aside from people who should be in prison,
people who have been in prison where at risk of going to prison again – the dirty rats.

December is an important time when we in the west take over an entire month, drowning out the mad irrational beliefs of the rest of the world who might worship animal spirits or sacred rocks. Instead
we celebrate the birth of a carpenter 2000 years ago by dressing up as shepherds then complaining when we aren't taken seriously.

December is also a big time for the postal service, who take time out of their important strike schedule to put cards through our letter boxes, but not cards from Auntie Murial these are
cards asking us to do their work for them.

Time is now running out, time which for you dear reader as an
internet user, is more valuable than gold and any other person's on the planet.

With that I have to be off, the series finale of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", is on soon, so I just have time to say that the year ended with
Simon Cowell's attempt to dominate the muff mallet market .

Thanks for everything James and we all wish you best for next year. Although it is unlikely you will be back for the review of 2010 – that will probably be done by David Tennant, like every other fucking thing has been.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine.

“We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.”

The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling.

“The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker will be extra loud for use when the vibrator is muffled.”

Mr Cowell said that the product range would be enlarged as new openings presented themselves. One product in the pipeline is said to be moulded on Mr Cowell himself.

“Yes, there is going to be a version based upon me,” said Cowell. “This will enable women to share in the experience of the music industry, and wake up feeling the X-Factor.”

The pop-mogul brushed aside comments that his new fanny hammer division - named the XXX Factor - lacked experience in such a thrusting market.

“Well, obviously I have to use the “nose test” but, I tell you, this one sure makes it run!” he said. “However let’s be honest who should really know more about this market than me - one of the world’s leading twats.”

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Internet user’s time “more valuable than mayfly’s”

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience.

“If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.”

Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage.

“My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching”

As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a success, time they are loath to waste.

“My twitter feed is important to me,” says Billingsworth, getting more irate with each question on the survey. “I don’t want adverts, or repeated tweets, clouding my view of what a celeb is having for lunch or how bored people are at work. I need to be able to RT, and reply LOL to the most noteworthy hashtags right NOW, not in 5 fucking seconds time.”

The 10 question survey known as “Are you more impatient than a 4 year old?” is the most detailed every conducted on Internet users in the 21st century. However, the results are said to be inconclusive since thousands of respondents answered the last 7 questions with only the repeated phrase “FAIL”.

To continue reading this article, and prevent further wasted time, please validate your existence using the TrueTwat validation service.

Monday, December 14, 2009

“Mow our lawns, and take our rubbish out” demand postmen

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker.

“A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.”

The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards.

“I think we need to understand the impact that actually delivering your parcel to you would have on the postman's round,” said Billingsworth. “On average a postie walks two miles around a snooker table by lunchtime. Actually doing his job might mean he doesn't get to his euphemistically named 'Working Men's Club' until the afternoon.”

The rise in the use of so called “Sorry, we're too lazy” cards was revealed in an internal Royal Mail memo entitled “Parcel Delivery in the 21st century – do we look like fucking Father Christmas?”.

However, a leading postal union denied that this practice was widespread and insisted that if it occurred at all it was not due to idleness on the part of postmen, but caused by the nature of the parcels being delivered.

“Clearly the public are increasingly shopping online leading to a huge increase in parcels in the system, not all of which can be delivered at the first attempt,” said a spokesman for postal workers. “And anyway what they are buying is too shit for us to bother nicking.”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

“I Am Not An Oddity” Says Man In Flowing Gown And Sandals

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities".

“If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.”

The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land.

“We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to have beards too,” said a government spokesman. “The men are no different either.”

Dr Rowan Williams believes that it would do no harm for political leaders to be more open about their faiths, and indeed points out that the leaders of the three main parties all have a very strong moral sense of some spiritual flavour.

Leading Mumbo-Jumbo commentator, John-Paul Billingsworth, said that in Britain it has never been part of the political landscape to be open about your religious faith, should you discover that you are so afflicted.

“Political leaders have huge moral issues to contend with. They have their finger on a nuclear arsenal of Armageddon, control over the economy, they have huge influence in how our children are educated, and how we might be helped in a medical emergency,” said Billingsworth. “British people have traditionally veered away from men in the street who proclaim guidance from a big sky-wizard or middle-eastern cave dwellers, let alone put one in number 10.”

The Roman Catholic Church says that selective quotation from the canon of guilt, shame and objectifying women is what is needed to make religion appealing to people with any semblance of rationality.

“This is the approach we are taking to entice Anglicans who don’t approve of women bishops to come over to the Holy See. Basically we are saying they can still shag girls,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Maybe if we had tried something similar in Ireland priests wouldn’t have taken such an interest in the choir boys.”

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Tiger Woods plays around with 9 birdies

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump.

“For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.”

Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around.

“Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?”

The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he was helping her to swing better when he instructed her to “grip the shaft tightly”.

It seems that new opportunities are opening up for Elin Woods who famously wielded a 3 iron on the 14 time major winners car to, so the statement says, help free him from the wreckage. Mrs Woods is said to be launching a new range of Big Bertha clubs called the “Jaws of Life”.

As rumours circulate regarding the future of Woods' sponsorship deals his management team denied that he was to change his nickname from Tiger to Cheetah after the bust-up with his Swedish ex-model wife.

“It is also untrue that Mr Woods has been spotted in nightclubs around Norway as he tries to avoid the US media,” said his spokesman. “The last thing he wants is any more clubbing with Scandinavians.”

“More news is coming out all the time," added Billingsworth. "Which isn't surprising given his supreme touch in the light rough.”

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Tyrannosaurus-Rex eats goat – neighbours blame Police

The neighbours of a young goat found eaten to death by a Tyrannosaurus-Rex today blamed the Bedrock Police force for not responding to a complaint that the cave in which the tragedy took place was being used to breed clones of some of the most dangerous predators in Earth's history.

“The goats are a lovely, close, family, and little Billy was a lovely little chap,” said one neighbour. “The Police were told that the cave was a predator breeding ground months ago, they should have done something because, on reflection, I don't think allowing young boisterous goats near aggressive beasts with mouths full of meat-cleavers is the best idea.”

Apparently the noise of the beasts' roars were so loud, said another neighbour, that it drowned out the sound of the ritual sacrifices from the cave over the road.

Tragedy struck when the parents of young Billy left him in the care of a family member who was also looking after the 7 tonne Tyrannosaur.

“No one liked that T-Rex, even the adults stayed away from it,” said the neighbour. “It's the Police's fault. How could the parents be expected to know that a T-Rex could be so dangerous? It's not like it was a dog is it? They are in the news all the time.”

Police denied that they are responsible for the tragedy but said that they will repeat warnings to the public in case they aren't obvious enough following similar incidents in the town of Bedrock.

“We understand that parents of Koi carp need to have time alone, and that sometimes finding a baby-sitter is expensive and inconvenient, but we warn against the false economy of having their young share a tank with Great White sharks,” was the advice in a recently issued pamphlet. “Koi carp can cost up to £500 each, almost as much as a child.”

Despite not acknowledging any blame, Bedrock Police did say they would be lobbying the Home Secretary for greater protection of children with the implementation of a new 'Dangerous Parents Act”.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

England ask for place in 1986 World Cup Semi-final

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places.

“Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.”

The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England.

The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking the fucking piss' with the FA asking FIFA to give England a place in the semi-finals in Mexico '86.

“That's nice, apparently I was part of the England side that was absolutely knocked out of a World Cup about then by that Mr Maradona's 'Hand of God' when we were winning nil-nil, ” said Peter Shilton, now aged 94. “It really wasn't that superb solo effort a few minutes later when he shat all over our defence.”

The FA has further asked that since the rules of football seem to be just being made up on the spot that the current England side should play the Belgian side of 1986 and in Berwick on any night when the temperature is below freezing and the ground is made of artificial-hip-breaking permafrost.

“I think it's a great idea, you fucking tosser,” said Wayne Rooney stamping on a reporter's face. “I fancy going in two-footed on those Belgians, their centre-back is 103 isn't he? You twat.”

Other national associations are following suit, the Italian Football Federation are asking for a replay of the 1994 World Cup Final after they discovered that winners Brazil may also have flouted other rules not spotted by the referee on the day.

“The Brazilian side that day cheated,” said a spokesman for the FIGC. “They clearly broke the 'field a tosser called Baggio rule' which we fully complied with. For 16 fucking years.”

FIFA has shocked the footballing world by allowing Ireland to have a 33rd place in the 2010 World Cup draw, before subsequently banning them from the tournament for cheating - over the complete non-penalty they were given in their qualifying match against Georgia.

Thierry Henry made the Irish cheat back in February :-

We've been here before