Thursday, December 31, 2009

Review of the Year 2009 – with James “Bloody” Corden

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back.

Thank you, now let us proceed.

As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden!

Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!, Yes YOU!! Thank You!! James Corden here. You might remember me from "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" or perhaps the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" Christmas Special. Or maybe "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" on Comic Relief.

Well, this year has been one of the biggest – almost as big as me – geddit?! Ha, that used to slay them on the set of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – I was in that you know. Anyway this review isn't about me it's about everything that happened in 2009 – such as the release of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" DVD.

January
It seems so long ago – in fact the people who lived in January used to go to something called “Schools” – I believe that's were my most loyal fans go during the day. The year started with a shock when it became apparent Andrew Sachs was still alive .

Also in 2009, a gaunt and thin-looking Steve Jobs caused a technology stampede
with the launch of the iDiet.

Air travel was much in the news in January –
Emma Thompson wanted to make sure that she never had to sit next to people like you on a transatlantic flight and planners tried to compromise between environmentalists and travellers with plans for Heathrow's 3rd runway to be situated on the River Thames.

One of the biggest events of the last two millennia also happened in January - and I should know about big, because I am hilariously fat – when America confirmed it wanted change by
inaugurating its latest era of change in, for a change. Change? I have a lot in common with Barack Obama's speeches, my career is also based on width not content.

TV news was rocked to the core as TV news made the TV news headlines when
radical news broadcaster SKY News took the BBC to task whilst vehemently agreeing with BBC policy . It was a consensus second only to the critics' opinions of the sketch show that I co-wrote with Gavin out of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", who I starred in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" with.

Also in January was a media event of the same magnitude as the straight to bargain bin Lesbian Vampire movie – which I made with Mathew Horne who was also in “Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In” - January saw the release of the
Third Volume of the Surreal Scoop compendium. This wasn't fat and therefore could not have been funny, unlike me .

Oh and the government insisted that
everyone should be an abusive, screaming tosser by 2012.


February

February eh? I was on the telly a lot, helped by the growth of huge widescreen TVs because then I could be fatter funnier. But the month started badly for the patient whose nurse prescribed some mumbo-jumbo.
A key audience for my humour are children – because they find fat bellies funny, and I have a huge repertoire of fat belly. So I can empathise that the
kids are having it hard, but not large, unlike me.

Ah kids, they are the young people who make our burgers, our frothy coffees and when they leave school clean our toilets and drink cheap cider under bridges, none of which would be possible without the
determination of teachers to have snow-days .

There was a revelation in televised sport when
Arsene Wenger finally snapped when he once again failed to see a major incident at an Arsenal match.

However the biggest story of the month – and therefore surely the funniest – was the news that
Sir Fred Goodwin was soiling his trousers on the way to the bank.

March
March is a very violent month, just look at the comments about the sketch show that I did, after being in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", with Mathew Horne, who was also in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". I did some of my fattest jokes in that sketch show as well. Amazing.

It started off with news that
Scottish kids would be given an extra four years of practice before they could be caged, as animals. Then it became fashionable for people to be hit in faces. The nation wondered why his attacker did not throw something more sturdy into Lord Mandelson's face Although custard is very fattening and therefore helps a comedy career. Then sadly we learnt that it was only one Manchester United fan punched in the face. Bummer.

The month ended in the sad battle of the princesses [http://www.surrealscoop.com/2009/03/jade-versus-diana-popular-posthumous.html] . Neither was particularly fat,so clearly this was a sombre occasion.

April


April was a quiet month, so very quiet. Especially during the recordings of our sketch show. On a lighter note, North Korea made another mad claim about their technological progress and the media got into a hissy fit over politicians taking direct action – I.e. smearing each other directly.

May
It was all about ends in May. Many said the end of my career, but the final shows of the hit "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" show, which I am in, were to be at Christmas. It was the end of the expenses gravy train for many, whilst others swore allegiance to our cash , it was the end of an era, as pensioners were thrown out on the street with only millions of pounds to ease the pain and as a story that could be run every month of every year, someone we haven't heard of splits from someone we don't know.
June
There was only one story in June. Who else would
Martin Bashir drive to their death ?

July
July was of course one of the the funniest months. Because the funniest thing, fat was in the news, when fat women decided it was clothes that made them look fat. Sadly it wasn't all world class cerebral humour, no there was also news of a new first class service for bankers

Pigs, they are known to be fat, and so should be funny, but no one was laughing because we had
all died of Swine Flu.


August
Of course we all died of in July, but some of us risk dying again when it became apparent that
Swine Flu and Katie Jordan aka Price had come into contact leading to a new mutation . Some people only died once this month, but I died repeatedly, since our sketch show was repeated on BBC3.

If by some fluke you hadn't died of Swine Flu then of course healthcare would kill you – just ask anal expert Glenn Beck.

Everyone was getting into the latest fad –
tying children to things – and new world records were being set.

My comedy career was not the only thing going up in flames but
right-wing politicians in Africa said that there was just no point helping Californians in their struggles.

September
The craze of
tying children to something continued for another month. That is the kind of longevity which I hope to aspire to as a comedy writer.

Of course, not only was there the Horne & Corden show, but other outrages too, such as that felt by baboons and confusion when someone we didn't know had a job, left it.

Probably the biggest news story was that
Gordon Brown had not secured a deal with Colonel Gaddafi to ensure no deals where ever made.

Political correctness took a turn for the better when the
TUC called for the banning of women's underwear.

Such a big month, but strangely whilst fat with stories, it didn't seem hilariously funny – which is flying against all my comedy instincts. Still at least we had good news in that the
British economy had once again been saved by the government.

October
October came and it was an interesting revelation to find out that the
Daily Mail was backing Princess Diana at the next election.

On the economic front, it turned out that those who contributed least demanded the greatest remuneration:
Teenage boys wanted a pocket money increase to £120,000 per week;a youthful politician had pledged to do a days work and yet another person shit at their job demanded more money not to do it. This trend would continue in December with bankers bonuses and me following Jenson Button around at award ceremonies.

But of course, Christmas was coming and so we had to have a
strike by postal workers – and mysteriously few noticed a difference in the quality of service. One thing was certain though, the economy would recover by Christmas .

November
Ah November. The month were we try to keep the pledges from previous years before making other for next year. Nothing could be truer than the
pledges made by politicians on the big European questions and comedians who pledge to try and be funny without just jiggling their huge comedy bellies up and down.

So much can be read into what you sign up into – it can reveal that you are the
most evil person in history – but when I signed up to a sketch in which I was naked well that was a pledge of comedy gold, because I am hilariously fat!

Wow, it is still November and we had yet another instance of people being shit at their jobs yet demanding more for doing it, this time
female MPs who admit that they just aren't up to the task in hand

The big - and I should know about big as I have said the same thing so many times so far in this review of the year so why are you not laughing? Well you will because December is all about "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – the big news was that
the Sun had transferred its allegiance – they wrote some nasty things about our sketch show, whereas they had always said great things about the sitcom "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In".

December
December – the month of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" finale. New readers of this review of the year may not be aware that I am in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". Well I am. I am one of the stars. The biggest star – literally – and therefore the funniest. Apart from that fat bird too but she didn't have a “straight to remainder bin” hit movie like I did.

In December the Irish continued to sulk about losing a football match to a handball and decided to change all the rules. This led to
England demanding compensation for the 1986 world cup.

December is also a month of traditions such as the now
traditional mauling of children by dangerous beasts.

The gravy train made a return journey through the wintry weather when bankers who were shit wanted more money or they would take their shitness elsewhere. Basically the same argument that fat, and therefore funny, comedians have with their agents every year.

Aside from people who should be in prison,
people who have been in prison where at risk of going to prison again – the dirty rats.

December is an important time when we in the west take over an entire month, drowning out the mad irrational beliefs of the rest of the world who might worship animal spirits or sacred rocks. Instead
we celebrate the birth of a carpenter 2000 years ago by dressing up as shepherds then complaining when we aren't taken seriously.

December is also a big time for the postal service, who take time out of their important strike schedule to put cards through our letter boxes, but not cards from Auntie Murial these are
cards asking us to do their work for them.

Time is now running out, time which for you dear reader as an
internet user, is more valuable than gold and any other person's on the planet.

With that I have to be off, the series finale of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", is on soon, so I just have time to say that the year ended with
Simon Cowell's attempt to dominate the muff mallet market .


Thanks for everything James and we all wish you best for next year. Although it is unlikely you will be back for the review of 2010 – that will probably be done by David Tennant, like every other fucking thing has been.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine.

“We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.”

The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling.

“The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker will be extra loud for use when the vibrator is muffled.”

Mr Cowell said that the product range would be enlarged as new openings presented themselves. One product in the pipeline is said to be moulded on Mr Cowell himself.

“Yes, there is going to be a version based upon me,” said Cowell. “This will enable women to share in the experience of the music industry, and wake up feeling the X-Factor.”

The pop-mogul brushed aside comments that his new fanny hammer division - named the XXX Factor - lacked experience in such a thrusting market.

“Well, obviously I have to use the “nose test” but, I tell you, this one sure makes it run!” he said. “However let’s be honest who should really know more about this market than me - one of the world’s leading twats.”

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Internet user’s time “more valuable than mayfly’s”

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience.

“If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.”

Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage.

“My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching youporn.com.”

As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a success, time they are loath to waste.

“My twitter feed is important to me,” says Billingsworth, getting more irate with each question on the survey. “I don’t want adverts, or repeated tweets, clouding my view of what a celeb is having for lunch or how bored people are at work. I need to be able to RT, and reply LOL to the most noteworthy hashtags right NOW, not in 5 fucking seconds time.”

The 10 question survey known as “Are you more impatient than a 4 year old?” is the most detailed every conducted on Internet users in the 21st century. However, the results are said to be inconclusive since thousands of respondents answered the last 7 questions with only the repeated phrase “FAIL”.

To continue reading this article, and prevent further wasted time, please validate your existence using the TrueTwat validation service.

Monday, December 14, 2009

“Mow our lawns, and take our rubbish out” demand postmen

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker.

“A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.”

The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards.

“I think we need to understand the impact that actually delivering your parcel to you would have on the postman's round,” said Billingsworth. “On average a postie walks two miles around a snooker table by lunchtime. Actually doing his job might mean he doesn't get to his euphemistically named 'Working Men's Club' until the afternoon.”

The rise in the use of so called “Sorry, we're too lazy” cards was revealed in an internal Royal Mail memo entitled “Parcel Delivery in the 21st century – do we look like fucking Father Christmas?”.

However, a leading postal union denied that this practice was widespread and insisted that if it occurred at all it was not due to idleness on the part of postmen, but caused by the nature of the parcels being delivered.

“Clearly the public are increasingly shopping online leading to a huge increase in parcels in the system, not all of which can be delivered at the first attempt,” said a spokesman for postal workers. “And anyway what they are buying is too shit for us to bother nicking.”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

“I Am Not An Oddity” Says Man In Flowing Gown And Sandals

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities".

“If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.”

The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land.

“We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to have beards too,” said a government spokesman. “The men are no different either.”

Dr Rowan Williams believes that it would do no harm for political leaders to be more open about their faiths, and indeed points out that the leaders of the three main parties all have a very strong moral sense of some spiritual flavour.

Leading Mumbo-Jumbo commentator, John-Paul Billingsworth, said that in Britain it has never been part of the political landscape to be open about your religious faith, should you discover that you are so afflicted.

“Political leaders have huge moral issues to contend with. They have their finger on a nuclear arsenal of Armageddon, control over the economy, they have huge influence in how our children are educated, and how we might be helped in a medical emergency,” said Billingsworth. “British people have traditionally veered away from men in the street who proclaim guidance from a big sky-wizard or middle-eastern cave dwellers, let alone put one in number 10.”

The Roman Catholic Church says that selective quotation from the canon of guilt, shame and objectifying women is what is needed to make religion appealing to people with any semblance of rationality.

“This is the approach we are taking to entice Anglicans who don’t approve of women bishops to come over to the Holy See. Basically we are saying they can still shag girls,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Maybe if we had tried something similar in Ireland priests wouldn’t have taken such an interest in the choir boys.”

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Tiger Woods plays around with 9 birdies

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump.

“For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.”

Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around.

“Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?”

The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he was helping her to swing better when he instructed her to “grip the shaft tightly”.

It seems that new opportunities are opening up for Elin Woods who famously wielded a 3 iron on the 14 time major winners car to, so the statement says, help free him from the wreckage. Mrs Woods is said to be launching a new range of Big Bertha clubs called the “Jaws of Life”.

As rumours circulate regarding the future of Woods' sponsorship deals his management team denied that he was to change his nickname from Tiger to Cheetah after the bust-up with his Swedish ex-model wife.

“It is also untrue that Mr Woods has been spotted in nightclubs around Norway as he tries to avoid the US media,” said his spokesman. “The last thing he wants is any more clubbing with Scandinavians.”

“More news is coming out all the time," added Billingsworth. "Which isn't surprising given his supreme touch in the light rough.”

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Tyrannosaurus-Rex eats goat – neighbours blame Police

The neighbours of a young goat found eaten to death by a Tyrannosaurus-Rex today blamed the Bedrock Police force for not responding to a complaint that the cave in which the tragedy took place was being used to breed clones of some of the most dangerous predators in Earth's history.

“The goats are a lovely, close, family, and little Billy was a lovely little chap,” said one neighbour. “The Police were told that the cave was a predator breeding ground months ago, they should have done something because, on reflection, I don't think allowing young boisterous goats near aggressive beasts with mouths full of meat-cleavers is the best idea.”

Apparently the noise of the beasts' roars were so loud, said another neighbour, that it drowned out the sound of the ritual sacrifices from the cave over the road.

Tragedy struck when the parents of young Billy left him in the care of a family member who was also looking after the 7 tonne Tyrannosaur.

“No one liked that T-Rex, even the adults stayed away from it,” said the neighbour. “It's the Police's fault. How could the parents be expected to know that a T-Rex could be so dangerous? It's not like it was a dog is it? They are in the news all the time.”

Police denied that they are responsible for the tragedy but said that they will repeat warnings to the public in case they aren't obvious enough following similar incidents in the town of Bedrock.

“We understand that parents of Koi carp need to have time alone, and that sometimes finding a baby-sitter is expensive and inconvenient, but we warn against the false economy of having their young share a tank with Great White sharks,” was the advice in a recently issued pamphlet. “Koi carp can cost up to £500 each, almost as much as a child.”

Despite not acknowledging any blame, Bedrock Police did say they would be lobbying the Home Secretary for greater protection of children with the implementation of a new 'Dangerous Parents Act”.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

England ask for place in 1986 World Cup Semi-final

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places.

“Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.”

The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England.

The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking the fucking piss' with the FA asking FIFA to give England a place in the semi-finals in Mexico '86.

“That's nice, apparently I was part of the England side that was absolutely knocked out of a World Cup about then by that Mr Maradona's 'Hand of God' when we were winning nil-nil, ” said Peter Shilton, now aged 94. “It really wasn't that superb solo effort a few minutes later when he shat all over our defence.”

The FA has further asked that since the rules of football seem to be just being made up on the spot that the current England side should play the Belgian side of 1986 and in Berwick on any night when the temperature is below freezing and the ground is made of artificial-hip-breaking permafrost.

“I think it's a great idea, you fucking tosser,” said Wayne Rooney stamping on a reporter's face. “I fancy going in two-footed on those Belgians, their centre-back is 103 isn't he? You twat.”

Other national associations are following suit, the Italian Football Federation are asking for a replay of the 1994 World Cup Final after they discovered that winners Brazil may also have flouted other rules not spotted by the referee on the day.

“The Brazilian side that day cheated,” said a spokesman for the FIGC. “They clearly broke the 'field a tosser called Baggio rule' which we fully complied with. For 16 fucking years.”

NEWSFLASH :
FIFA has shocked the footballing world by allowing Ireland to have a 33rd place in the 2010 World Cup draw, before subsequently banning them from the tournament for cheating - over the complete non-penalty they were given in their qualifying match against Georgia.

Thierry Henry made the Irish cheat back in February :-


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Irrational Want Laws Preventing Rude Comments On Their Peaceful Mumbo-Jumbo Or They’ll Burn Your Cat

Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today petitioned the United Nations in the hope of getting their irrational fantasies protected from people who may say something rude about them, such as it is all a load of made-up nonsense.

“Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as purple.”

The green colouring in the images, described at the time by the editor of “What Deity?” as “a printing error”, led to six days of rioting on three continents. Many Italian restaurants had to placate the mobs carrying huge pasta forks by promising to never use pesto in combination with pork on the third Thursday of the month unless it is the 5th serving.

“That was a terrible situation, and it was only thanks to the clarity of scripture and the love of the Great-Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty,” said Pastafarian Billiingsworth. “That and using large amounts of petrol and upturned busses. As endorsed by the second conclave of the Great Menu, may its service never be included.”

The followers of the Spaghetti Monster wish to have a UN declaration on “Saying anything uncomplimentary about things that can never be proven” and thus, by ratification of member states, a world-wide law making blasphemy, and the use of ketchup, illegal.

“There has been great theological debate over the years and it really is quite clear on this important point,” said Billingsworth on a pilgrimage to the holy site of the Spaghetti Trees in Italy. “His Sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, may only be represented in one of 134 shades of purple. The precise shade is still to be determined by leading Pastafarians. Anyone who says otherwise can only expect to be skewered and spun repeatedly before being sucked until dead, as per scripture, and we require this to be written in all nation’s laws or we start hurling the paving slabs again.”

However there are many in the rational world who believe that the credulous should not have any control over opinion, intellectual debate, or the representation of non-corporeal entities that are easily confused with fiction created to keep children in check.

“If they didn't like the genuine mistake of printing that spaghetti thing in green, they really aren't going to like the next issue,” said the editor of 'What Deity?'. “The centrefold is the spaghetti monster taking the figure of Justice up the wrong ’un whilst itself being fisted by the goddess of Enlightenment. And this time it’s in blue.”

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Sun celebrates 800 years of world leading news

The Sun newspaper, famous throughout the known world for its journalistic integrity with hard-hitting daily news ensuring that the people of Britain are kept up to date with any change in the state of the breasts of 22 year old stunners, is today celebrating what feels like centuries of peddling shit. Everyday this week the Sun will re-print key editions wot it has printed.

Monday – from 15/06/1215 “SOVEREIGN GIVES HIS SOVEREIGNTY AWAY AND YOU DON'T GET A SAY”
Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This so-called “Magna Carta” will now allow non-blue blooded mere commoners from other counties be able to influence the right of your king to subjugate you! They call it “Baron rights” we call it “Awful Albion”.

Tuesday – from 31/01/1606 “PHEW, WHAT A TORTURE!”
'Elf and Safety do-gooders today executed Guy “Guido” Fawkes for his part in an attempt to arrange a free fireworks display in Westminster on 5th November last year. “The little kiddies from the Catholic School would so loved to have seen the mighty bonfire at the Palace of Westminster” said one disappointed local resident. Disappointed tots were in tears as they returned to work as prostitutes and pick-pockets that evening. It's political correctness gone mad!

Wednesday – from 1/11/1642 “IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT”
Three cheers for your Super-Soaraway Sun wot won the battle at Ayelsbury ensuring Parliament's supremacy over the law of the land. Our stirring editorial. re-iterating our support for the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, helped our boys on the pikes skewer the Royalists’ men. Want another ROUND? on your HEADs be it!

Thursday – from 26/07/1643 “PARLIAMENT'S LOST IT”
As the dust settles on the Battle of Bristol we announce that The Sun is behind the toffs who can take Britain into the 18th century and rescue Awful Albion from the clutches of the tyrant Cromwell. The King's wife looked gorgeous at last night's premier of a new staging of the stratford Bard's masterpiece ‘Much ado about nothing’ but what a frocking display from Mrs Cromwell who is clearly no sun bunny as she fled from our heroic troops. No time to top up the puriTAN dear?

Friday – from 21/10/1805 “GOTCHA!”
Nelson defeats the French at Trafalgar, capturing their flagship the ‘Bucentaure’ but suffers a fatal wound from a sniper due to a lack of helicopter support. Put pen to parchment and sign The Sun’s petition to ensure that penny-pinching bureaucrats provide our historically significant admirals with the futuristic equipment we dream they should have.

Friday, November 13, 2009

“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.

“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”

ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.

“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”

The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.

“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”

The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.

After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.

“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Women MPs plead “Can a man do our jobs for us, pweeeaaase?”

Several female MPs have written to beg someone to do the difficult task of framing laws, and attending debates on transport and crime prevention since they are disinterested in the role if they can't have a second home to fill with cushions for doing it.

“The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to improve society so that any woman is safe. Until someone makes society better can we just have our nice houses please? And curtains.”

The MPs are complaining that unlike other women working and travelling late in London they are especially susceptible and that other forms of transport are unavailable to them.

“£63k per year isn’t enough to include phoning for a taxi home. That is numbers, which is maths and boy’s stuff you meanie,” giggled Billingsworth. “Also my bag is vewy heavy and full of vewy hard white papers, could someone big and strong carry it for little me?”

Behind closed doors the group of half a dozen female MPs has complained for some time that the late night sittings of parliament are not conducive to encouraging women to enter politics and that the removal of second homes for those living near London is the final straw.

“I am sure some of the debates are very important, but are they relevant? Women's issues, crime, transport and stuff all very worthy I imagine, but they all go on so late in the evening,” complained Billingsworth from the House of Commons hairdressers. “Sometimes I miss both Coronation Street AND Strictly!”

The female MPs said that they were forced to write complaining about the problems of women using public transport, and that their hair goes frizzy in the rain, since previous attempts at compromise had been ignored.

“We wrote asking to be excused double PE [the Parliamentary Expenditure debate],” explained Billingsworth. “But apparently ‘women’s problems’ isn’t a valid reason.”

However the complaints of the MPs, that they are especially at risk of sexual assault travelling at night to unstaffed rail stations, was dismissed by a male member of parliament.

“I am not sure the sex beasts of London are waiting for these ladies with baited breath.” he said. “I wouldn't touch them with yours.”

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Daily Express lambastes Diana comic competitor for showing facts

The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book.

“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”

The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.

“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”

The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.

“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”

The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.

“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”

Monday, November 09, 2009

Handwriting analysis reveals Gordon Brown to be 21st century's most evil man

The nation's leading newspapers, and The Sun, today revealed the results of a wide-ranging survey of one sample of handwriting. The graphology survey, the first of its kind to be published by those pretending to be journalists revealed that not only does the Prime Minister have bad hand-writing but that he is possibly the most evil man in history.

“It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his love. The man is clearly a bastard.”

The letter was sent to a grieving mother of a heroic soldier killed serving his country in Afghanistan. The Sun emphasised that the letter is further evidence that Gordon Brown should be burned at the stake.

“This letter looks like it has been written by a man for God's sake!” said Billingsworth. “How impersonal is that! From a Prime Minister! It’s almost indecipherable, almost like it is written in German. See how evil this monster is?”

The family of the deceased were dismayed at the handwriting and the difficulty they had reading it, suggesting that for subject matter so sensitive perhaps a typed letter would have been more appropriate. These sentiments were echoed, repeatedly, by The Sun.

“Can you believe that he would even think of sending a typed letter?” cried Billingsworth. “If you can imagine that, imagine him typing it in Comic Sans too. The evil, vicious bastard.”

Number 10 denied that they had ever contemplated sending a typed letter and that the hand-written nature of showed just how important writing to the family of those who have fallen for their country is to the Prime Minister.

Gordon Brown has since apologised for any distress caused to The Sun newspaper.




UPDATE : The Sun continues its crusade on mis-spelling of our war heroes names by lashing out violently at any and all other occrances whether they be handwritten, print, or as shown here on the web ...

Friday, November 06, 2009

David Cameron pledges to make future pledges

Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable.

“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”

Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.

“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”

Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".

The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.

“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”

However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.

“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”

Sunday, October 25, 2009

General Gordon : “British economy will be back by Christmas”

General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.

“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”

General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.

“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”

General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.

“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”

The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.

“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”

The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.

“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old

Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.

“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”

Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.

“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”

However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.

“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”

The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.

“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Middlesbrough surprised at having to sack Gareth Southgate

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County.

“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”

Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.

“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”

The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.

“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”

The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”

As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.

“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”

Monday, October 19, 2009

Union attacks plan for 30,000 more casual workers at Royal Mail

The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal.

“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”

Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.

“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”

Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.

“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”

People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.

“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”

Friday, October 16, 2009

Why there is nothing “unnatural” about the death of the Daily Mail and Jan Moir's soul

The ongoing story of the Daily Mail's death is not really shocking, it is just another pointless scandal sheet that is deservedly dying on it's arse.

Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote.

There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish with our expectation of the end of their humanity; a long thirsty night, a tough deadline, an odd set of prejudices of an odder set of readers that herald the death of a barely respected woman's soul.

In the morning a heart has already turned cold before the first shaking hand replaces the icy breakfast vodka with the touch of the keyboard. It is desperate for a new storyline, isn't it?

In fact it is somewhat rather depressingly familiar form for the Daily Mail that has once again found space amongst glorified press-releases for health products and unfounded health scares to sober-up one of its columnists prepared to once again tread on the memories of those recently past, and the emotions of those dealing with bereavement

“I am quite prepared to rubbish a man who has died in the prime of life, despite a formal autopsy declaring natural causes. We all know there is inneundo for me to write and the memory of everything he achieved in life must be trashed,” said Jan Moir through her Femail column. “He was a bum-bandit, don't you see? He wasn't like me. For example he had legions of fans, was pretty and men wanted to have sex with him.”



EDIT : The Daily Fail has now amended Moir's original article's title - it was "Why there was nothing 'natural' about Stephen Gately's death"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Heart of Darkness offers ground-breaking “dark bedroom simulator” at Tate Modern

Heart of Darkness, the latest art installation in the great turbine hall at Tate Modern has been heralded as being an artistic triumph and an artwork that can at last bring the experience of a darkened room within the reach of the common man.

“Marvellous, stupendous, a triumph!” exclaimed art critic Septimus Billingsworth. “You go into the huge container and it is dark. How else could we experience darkness?”

Not only is the installation the first, and so far only, way for anyone to experience a dark room, or hall, the technology behind it has baffled critics and visitors alike.

“You have to wonder how it is done, like that tap that floats on the water pouring from it's own spigot,” said Billingsworth. “Just how is darkness created? It has influenced me deeply, just this morning as I awoke in my blacked out bedroom I was once again thinking just how impossible the experience had been.”

Visitors are being asked to prepare themselves for a visceral spiral of emotions as they visit the huge container.

“I spoke to one of the curators before I went in, as part of the training, for no one can be expected to know what to feel,” said Billingsworth. “He said to imagine a darkened hall. I couldn't. Who could? What a torture this triumph is. Then he said 'Imagine a box containing the impact on the country if Tracey Emin left' and I was there – truly feeling nothing.”

Art expert and layman alike have responded warmly to finally being given the ability to stand in the dark, something that only perhaps a few billion people have ever experienced in the last 24 hours. This has led to the work gaining affectionate nicknames such as 'The Box', 'A Load of Nothing' and 'A Black Hole For Our Money'.

Tate Modern says that it is currently in negotiations with the Lottery Fund for the Arts for a series of replica installations across the country as part of a programme of events entitled “Living with Energy Saving Light-Bulbs”.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Woman responsible for Children's Services demands £1m to take responsibility for lack of service to children

Sharon Shoesmith, the Director of Children's services at Haringey council on whose watch Children's Services failed to prevent the systematic abuse of Baby P, is continuing her case demanding £1m as compensation if she is to be expected to fulfil the only definable role of a director.

“Sharon is distraught, she did not understand that the £133k salary was to actually take responsibility,” said a pal who did not wish to be named. “How could she, a mere Director of Children's services, whose only arguable skill is setting direction and making statements, be expected to take responsibility for the direction her people take or the ludicrous statements she might make?”

Ms Shoesmith was today in hiding behind e-mails from council executives even more remotely detached from their responsibilities than she is, that praise her spin and public relations approach despite evidence that the services they were collectively accountable for had failed so tragically.

“I was at the celebration meal when we all said thanks to Sharon for handling the press so well,” said the pal. “Without that press conference people might have got the idea that after 60 reports the staff in our charge should have done something to prevent this little tot's death.”

Ms Shoesmith is said to be oblivious to the fact that the ignorant praise from her executive management team indicates systemic incompetence and that more, not less, people should have been fired.

“Where will it all end? You can't expect someone on her pay scale to have any perspective on the impact they may have on people's lives, ” asked the pal. “These directors only earn twice as much as the average doctor, for god's sake.”

However it is the impact of her demonstrable failure as the Director of Children's Services in the Baby P case that has worried her so much. She is worried that the tot's 8 months of abuse whilst under her department's supervision might reflect badly on her.

“Sharon's very worried her future career prospects have been ruined,” said the pal. “She has looked at the executive appointments and can't find anything where the key skill is to dodge accountability. Although there might be some openings at the Ministry of Defence after the next election.”

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls refused to confirm that he is planning on tabling a motion requesting that parliament officially asks Ms Shoesmith to piss off.

Monday, October 05, 2009

David Cameron promises to “work a day in my life”

Today, at the Conservative Party Conference, leading figures said that behind closed doors, Tory leader David Cameron had pledged to work a day for the first time in his life.

“This is a key election promise from Dave,” said Sir Digby Billingsworth. “He is really committed to getting the work-shy off state benefits. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked two days.”


Mr Cameron has made it clear that he intends to get anyone who can work, back to work, and to stop them receiving £130,000 a year in state handouts for sitting around complaining about everything.

“I can empathise with all those many people that I am told have never been to Eton and for some reason never formed a good network of wealthy friends to see get them a directorship,” said the Tory leader. “I too understand the frustration of a day spent sitting in front of a TV with nothing to do but wait until make-up has finished.”

Mr Cameron says that he fully understands the situation facing the long-term unemployed, having spent eight years as a Conservative Member of Parliament.

“I want to bring my successes and expertise in industry into government, ” said Dave. “I have great experience, remember I was a Director at Carlton when we set-up OnDigital. Whatever happened to that?”

The ability to help re-tune the nation’s set-up boxes aside, Mr Cameron said that the country needed a charismatic, young, conservative leader with experience of handling huge budgets and complex issues whilst serving the richest and poorest members of society alike.

“Indeed,” said Boris Johnson. “That will be me then. Cripes!”

Sunday, October 04, 2009

13 year old boys “are worth £6 million a year”

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys.

“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”

Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.

“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”

“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”

“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”

The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.

“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”

Saturday, October 03, 2009

FA rules that Londoners are incapable of civilised behaviour

The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner.

“The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.”

The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and may only have been drinking since six in the morning, as opposed to their normal workday start.

“It is quite clear that most of these Londoners suffer from learning difficulties,” continued the FA statement. “You only have to listen to them and their limited speech capability. They have an impenetrable language based upon a very restricted alphabet.”

It is believed that your average Londoner has yet to make sense of concepts the rest of us take for granted such as “enjoying a football match” and “not ripping up the seats”.

The judgement is a sad indictment of the state of the modern Londoner, but comes only a few months after a large number of the beasts were sanctioned following a Carling Cup match at Upton Park when thousands of Londoners decided to shit on their own doorstep.

“We are introducing a new, simple, ‘Dictionary for Londoners’ with plenty of pictures,” said the FA. “To help them understand some of the concepts of the modern world that are alien to them.”

Entries include:-

Allegiance
Kissing a badge on a football shirt is not legally binding.

Loyalty
When a foreign gentlemen travel thousands of miles to play football for huge sums of money, it is very likely he may travel a few hundred miles for even more. He didn’t come to your city for the jellied eels and that lovable way you call everyone a cunt.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Daily Express will back Princess Diana at next election, Daily Mail roots for things that cause cancer, no cure, no cause again

It is the middle of conference season again, a time of the year when The Sun chooses the prevailing political bandwagon to hitch it's sales cart to. Therefore it is time to assess the allegiances of the major national newspapers, and the Daily Express.

The Sun
The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news.

Daily Mail
A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives.

The Mirror
Traditionally left leaning, The Mirror has been a fervent supporter of Labour throughout its history. Almost certain to continue to back the government unless it finds some more obviously fake photos that might increase circulation.

The Daily Telegraph
Despite scandal and innuendo it is likely that the subscriptions to one of the few remaining morning arm-stretches will continue to turn up on Conservative MPs’ expenses claims - if only as lining for duck houses.

Daily Express
The list would be complete without the Express, an anti-immigration sheaf of advertisements for pornographic television channels run by its proprietor Richard Desmond. In between those adverts it will certainly proclaim that it is “Backing Diana in 2010” and that “visions of St Diana of Wales would cure all ills, especially for anyone being shagged by an Egyptian immigrant”. Might swing to any party that bans white Fiat Unos.