Sunday, April 17, 2011

AV – Where Do The Parties Stand On The Voting System None Of Them Actually Want?

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand.

The Conservatives
The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum.

Labour
Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. After that it took 6 wars, two economic crisis, 14 affairs, foot-and-mouth, foot-in-mouth and a game of croquet to finally get John Prescott to free up some time to go on Top Gear.

The Liberal Democrats
LibDem leader ‘Colonel’ Nick Clegg is in favour of AV – Aston Villa which is David Cameron’s favourite football team. As the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is one of the leading experts on unfair electoral systems but he is a passionate supporter of Nick Clegg being deputy Prime Minister. It is not just on the subject of AV that Nick Clegg has been described as a “miserable little compromise”.

SNP
The Scottish Nationalists are not actually in favour of AV as such, what with it being proposed by an Englishman, instead they are in favour of a system known as STN – the Single Transferable Note. Under this system a huge credit note is forwarded from London to Edinburgh each year so the English can pay for the Scots to moan about how beastly they are being by subsidising every Scots children’s right to free prescriptions, education and Tennant’s Extra. The SNP has long complained that the first-past-the-post system leads to an unrepresentative government in Westminster – what with party leaders such as Tony Blair being born in Edinburgh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Charles Kennedy, Gordon Brown all being Scottish and even David Cameron having a bloody Scottish surname.

Plaid Cymru
The Welsh nationalists don’t want AV either, they are also keen on the STN system. However they are also upset that the vote will take place on the same day that the National Assembly of Wales election takes place and the winner of the Best Leak is chosen by Max Boyce.

Northern Ireland Parties
Don’t knee-cap me.

The Green Party
They don’t want AV either. Something about all that paper used in the ballot process. Instead they want a system where each voter typically gets two votes - one for an individual, and one for a party. The exact proportion of constituency representatives and list representatives is decided by a community council members in an eco-friendly commune meeting, where everyone wears hemp. And doesn’t wash. Apparently the Green Party of Scotland disagrees with that of England and, surprisingly, is more in favour of the Single Transferable Note system (see SNP).

UK Independence Party
UKIP sees the current first-past-the-post system as a “nightmare” because “no one votes for us”. They too are not in favour of AV because “no one will vote for us”. They prefer a system called ‘AV plus’ by which all candidates must have no idea of Britain’s geography or international trading partners. Under the AV plus system no one will vote for them either.

BNP
The BNP don’t want AV either. They see it as unfair that as voters rank their favourite candidates the traditional white ballot papers would have to incur such an increased level of black markings.

English Democrats
The English (not British) Democrats actually support the AV system – at fucking last - sadly there are only three of them and all four are batshit crazy.

Christian Peoples Alliance
They may be irrational but that doesn’t stop them having a coherent policy. As their leader says himself under the current system "the same party wins every time”. Apart from 1802. And 1806. Oh and 1830. Whoops don’t forget about 1835 and 1841. And 1847. Or 1852, Yes, the same winner every time. No wait there was 1857, 1874, 1880, 1885, 1895, 1906, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1929, 1935, 1945, 1951, 1964, 1970, 1974, 1979, 1997 and finally 2010 when we all lost. And anyway, if you local area is shit, it's because God wanted it that way.

Respect
No, they feel that AV is not representative enough either and that democracy is being let down by the state. Is it ‘cos the voting pencil is black?

Jury Team
The Jury Team is definitely in support of limiting government borrowing to 10% of expenditure on a time machine to take them all back to the 1950s. They aren’t in favour of AV (that would be mad, look at this list for who is). No they are against the whole referendum! I don’t know why they are moaning anyway, 2011 is just like 1951. No one can afford a banana.

Communist Party
You’ll never guess - but they aren’t up for AV either. They are, however, in favour of a radically more representative voting system, whereby a few hundred people, motivated by their lust for power and a desire to avoid hard labour, rubber stamp the lunatic ravings of 6 debauched old men who are at the safe end of a loaded gun. Everyone else will be given a single, transferable potato. The lucky bastards.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Turkeys In Iceland Vote Against Christmas Shock

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island.

“Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.”

The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf.

“It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we'd probably have to raise taxes and this would mean less sweets for the children of Iceland, which is all we eat of course,” said Ms Sigurðardóttir, 9, from her bouncy castle in Reykjavík North. “It has nothing at all to do with me then being voted out of office for making other Icelandic children sad you baddies.”

The leader of the ruling Teflon Party said that it had considered all available options in terms of fulfilling its international obligations but the sums were very hard indeed. Instead they asked all of the other Icelandic children over 18 to vote on whether they would like to do something unpleasant or not.

“We discussed whether we could make a tent and hide under our duvets, or perhaps all phone up Britain and say we have funny tummies,” said the Prime Minister. “We were as shocked as anyone at the result of the referendum question 'Should we pay back money to Britain and Holland who are just being mean, horrible bullies?' So there!”

The UK treasury said that it was going to pursue every avenue possible to reclaim the €4bn that it felt it was owed.

“If they won't pay back money owed then clearly no one is going to be lending them more money in the future. This might not be a good long-term position for them to be in, given their country is essentially a volcano covered in dead fish and seal poo,” said Chancellor George Osborne, 12, from his Whitehall rumpus room. “But most importantly I shall be raising the important issue at the next meeting of the world's Finance Ministers, that Iceland’s Minister, Billings Billingssen smells and has a small willy.”

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Electoral Reform Means Aston Villa To Be Crowned Premier League Champions In May

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor.

"Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister. “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.”

Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues.

“I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and the ideological cuts of the far right,” said Colonel Nick Clegg. “As the glorious Yellow Week of May has shown, it is the career aspirations of the LibDem minority that must be represented in government and adopting the Alternative to Voting system we can continue the glorious Yellow Revolution indefinitely.”

Today's Grand National will be awarded to the leading horse whose jockey is wearing Yellow silks, and the prized Master's green jacket will be handed from last year's winner to the player with the lowest 72-hole score, who will then hand it on to Mr Clegg who will pronounce himself winner and the jacket to be yellow coloured.

“Aston Villa, David Cameron's favourite team and therefore one I support wholeheartedly, have scored more goals in Birmingham than any other side whose name begins with A that has a French manager, and so clearly they would pick up the primary votes in that category and so will be Premier League champions.” explained the architect of the nation's democratic future. “Apart from Arsenal, who won't win under any system.”

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Britain Apologises For The State Of The World: “Yeah, sorry about all the jet travel, computers, health and education we gave you.”

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.”

Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia.

“Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.”

Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault, from the current political make-up to our understanding of global geography.

“Oh, yeah, Whiskey, I mean people come over here – which is something they wouldn’t have been able to do if we hadn’t sorted out Longitude of course or jet travel - and tell us how crap we are,” said Britain. “Mind you they like to stay here for years while they do it. Odd that.

“However I want to issue this apology, on behalf of every Briton that has ever existed,” said the former dominant super power. “We are sorry we sacrificed everything to preserve freedom and the rule of democratic civil law – something we essentially invented – twice..

“Yeah, and America right, we are terribly sorry that we gave you a sound capitalist foundation, the principles of English common-law and an industrialised society to start you out. We were unthinking bastards. We should have just given you the mammoths and rocks we started out with and you would have been happier I am sure. And we really, genuinely, are sorry that we are so inconsiderate to want to point out that we had something to do with winning World War II. We really are bastards by supplying over half the troops for the D-Day landings and all the naval forces, which so gets in the way of you appropriating our history. We gave you the british invention of the jet engine for nothing, and then we get upset when you betray us during the Suez crisis. Yep, nothing good has come of us, nothing.”

Britain refused to deny rumours that it was looking to set up a new home on Mars and would not divulge a forwarding address for begging letters from bankrupt European nations.

“No, you are all better off without us, aren't you. All you ever wanted from the last thousand years was to happily blunder around the in dark and praying that the sun god would rise again in the morning, or that a carpenter from 2000 years ago created everything in his previous job as a mythical being,” slurred the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. “And we just spoiled it with electricity, Joseph Swan’s light bulbs and that whole annoying science and evolution stuff. And contract law to facilitate global trade. And vaccines. Yeah, apart from that, what have the Britons ever done for us? Nothing.”

“I think Britain is getting a little over tired, and clearly a bit emotional,” said Spain at the annual 'Shit Britain' convention. “We know that Britain has a drink problem and I think they are becoming how you say, bad sports?”

“Sport? Hah! We invented them all! Football? Cricket? Golf? Baseball? Rugby? Even bloody table tennis!” screamed the frustrated island nation. “OK we are bad at those sports but we don’t moan when you bloody take all the international ruling bodies away from us and spell their titles backwards in French acronyms.

”And don’t let's get started on the French, some of the most fun we've ever had was bombing France whilst saving their collaborating-german-sausage-loving arses.

In other news, India has asked for global recognition for having founded modern mathematics by creating the zero.

“Exactly, zero,” slurred Britain as it lurched for the door. “They want credit for inventing nothing.”

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Gaddafi Calls In Extended Warranty On Anti-Aircraft Systems

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use”

“Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.”

The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies.

“The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily damaged by our attempts to damage them,” said Clive Billingsworth at the MOD. “It seems one of our salesman offered a sweetener deal. When Libya took out the extra cover on the Bofors 40mm autocannon we gave them a free gold-plated HDMI cable.”

The joy in Tripoli at the prospect of a large payout was curtailed upon news that during the night a RAF Tornado had fired a smart missile that mysteriously on managed to destroy a single filing cabinet in the Libyan finance ministry.

“Our review of the Libyan claim has concluded and it transpired overnight that they will be unable to produce the necessary paperwork to support their claim,” explained Billingsworth. “However the good news for any new government in Libya is that we currently have a load of anti-aircraft weaponry on sale at the moment since all of the manuals are written in Egyptian.”