Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Government Denies Rats At Number 10 Are To Be Invited Into The Coalition

The government moved to distance itself from reports of the sightings of rats near the door to Number 10 Downing Street, and also denied that there was a desperate need for any form of pest control.

“There is no need for any extra steps to control the vermin, yes a few have sneaked into Downing Street and started to shit over everything,” said David “Dave” Cameron. “But we are confident we can keep the Lib Dem problem under control.”

Civil servants said that whilst the vermin infestation had seen a noticeable increase since May there was no need to replace Number 10's famous Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office, Humphrey, who died in mysterious circumstances in 2006.

“Humphrey had a long and distinguished career behind him,” said a spokesman. “His death was of course a shame but to be expected. He was an old cat with no enemies who died of natural causes. In a sack in the River Fleet outflow near Blackfriars. After having stabbed himself. No, no one mentioned Lord Mandelson.”

Humphrey the car was adopted by Downing Street in 1989 but was forced to leave office under a cloud after Labour won power. He famously came to prominence giving damning testimony on the use of biological agents, such as Camembert, to a House of Commons select committee investigation into WMD - Weapons of Mouse Destruction.

However whilst the prime minister's office is adamant that in this period of government austerity there should be no increase in the public sector tuna bill, there are other factions keen to pursue the use of chemical means to control Downing Street's pest problems.

“We have discussed a bulk of order of Canesten for Nick Clegg and the rest of the Lib Dems,” revealed a spokesman. “We really do need something to get rid of these irritating twats.”

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Newspapers In Disarray As Man With Normal Hair Charged With Murder Of Joanna Yeates

Staff at The Sun were said to be devastated that a man with normal looking hair had been charged with the murder of young, blonde, architect, Joanna Yeates, seemingly the only woman to go missing over Christmas.

"The cops have now got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible because this bloke Tabak has normal looking hair, and a girlfriend and everything,” said Emily Billingsworth, Donkey Porn actress and secret journalist for The Sun. “He's not a loner and his hair is simply not blue enough to be a murderer. If his hair isn't mad, he can't be.”

Pals said Sun “journos” were distraught that their beautiful “weird, posh, lewd, creepy” innuendo filled story had been murdered at such a young age.

“We really are in bits, we have got people all over the place, some even in Holland which is outside London, apparently,” said a tired and emotional Billingsworth, 19, who was seen leaving a nightclub at 3am this morning and wanted to set the record straight. “I am not putting on weight, it is an allergic reaction to the same bipolar medication Kerry Katona takes.”

The newsroom at the Daily Mail was, however, said to be pleased to be able to extend their in-depth coverage of the murder and that recent developments had vindicated the “newspapers” general editorial stance.

“Whilst Jo wasn't the only person to go missing over Christmas she was of course the most attractive-blonde-female of those that did,” said one staff member at the Daily Mail who did not wish to be named to spare his family from the shame of what he did for a living. “But of course this Vincent Tabak bloke looks to be a typical, dodgy, foreigner who came over here to take our jobs and our lovely fruity, blonde, women.”

Friday, January 21, 2011

Parents Petition Iraq Inquiry So Soldiers Remembered Not As Fallen Heroes But Murderers Killed In The Act

As Tony Blair returned to give evidence at the Iraq Inquiry several parents of soldiers killed in action continued to insist that their sons were perpetrators of murder, terrorism and armed revolution and should not be thought of as brave young men fighting for their country, their families or their way of life.

“My son Steven died in Iraq in what I want the inquiry to confirm as an illegal war so that I remember my son appropriately,” said proud father Herbert Billingsworth whose son was killed in a helicopter accident three years ago. “Steven was proud to be part of the British Army and he has been commemorated as a war hero. But really he should be remembered as a trained mercenary employed by a rogue regime to enact bloody revolution in a foreign land.”

Herbert Billingsworth is determined to ensure that the evil mastermind of the plot of Arab world domination is unmasked and brought to justice.

“I want the inquiry to confirm that my son volunteered to be a henchman to Tony 'Drax' Blair's evil plan to steal the world's oil,” said Billingsworth. “Rather than someone who died for their country, Steven can be remembered as a highly dangerous and murderous gang member.”

Herbert Billingsworth also wants the inquiry to confirm that the professional soldiers should have had a choice not only of the wars they fought but also of the tools and equipment they were given to use in battle.

“Any self-respecting warmonger or evil megalomaniac makes sure that their henchmen have the latest in death rays, biological weapons and portable shark-tanks in which to hide captured satellites,” said Billingsworth. “The so-called soldiers fighting for this murderous regime are so poorly equipped they don't even have proper jet packs or metal teeth.”

A spokes-henchman for Tony Blair would not comment on matters to do with the Iraq inquiry, or even if Blair would answer questions whilst stroking a pussy. Cherie Blair is believed to be out of the country.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Tube “drivers” Announce Plans To Strike In The Face Anyone Seen Smiling In London

ASLEF, the union that represents a broad spectrum of London Underground employees who spend all day sitting and pushing a button, have announced that its members have voted to strike anyone found in London on their day off squarely in the face.

“Our members, who sit in the train cab and push the button to close the doors and instruct the train to drive itself to the next station, cannot risk being distracted by people smiling in London. This normally isn't a problem – who does smile on the Tube anyway?” said Keith Billingsworth, a representative of the supposed Train Drivers. “But they might smile on a day off, like a Bank Holiday. The smiling happy bastards. And our London Transport staff simply can't cope with that and will of course strike.”

ASLEF has said that the immediate reaction of any Transport for London staff member, when faced with a commuter with a smile on their face, would be forced to punch them sharply on the nose.

“Now, if our members are not to have to give up the opportunity of punching their passengers then they need to be compensated by receiving triple pay and a day off to recover from seeing an unpunched smile,” said Billingsworth. “They also need the day off to count all their cash.”

ASLEF was quick to point out that it wasn't a purely financial decision that has compelled them to threaten to resort to customer-striking unless they received quadruple benefits for working one day, it was the heavy burden of responsibility that they deal with on a daily basis.

“The person driving the train is probably one of the highest paid people on it, earning more than you because, unlike you and the pathetic reason you are on the train, he has a very important job to do,” extolled Billingsworth. “The Senior Train Drivers press two buttons – the one that makes the computer drive the train and the one that swaps the set of automated announcements to 'Tourist Mode' which tells people where the landmarks are. That is two buttons for a starting salary of barely over £40k. You compare that to your job - it really is a smack in the face.”

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Dalglish Denies 20 Years Away From Liverpool Means He Is Out Of Touch And Vows To Help Club Match Leeds And Crystal Palace

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club.

“Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.”

Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activities.

“The first thing I will be doing is making sure that the players are well looked after and their needs met,” explained Dalglish. “I'll be talking to the shirt sponsors to see about having the players' houses re-painted and I have a meeting with Vauxhall to see about getting the players leases on the new Mark 2 Vauxhall Astras.”

Dalglish arrived back in the city only a few hours after nonagenarian Roy Hodgson left the club by mutual consent, with Liverpool promising him a nice trip to the seaside today and that they would come and visit every Sunday without fail and show him how to get the Antiques Roadshow on his new digital TV.

“The previous manager was a man of integrity and dignity, as well as a reliable source of Werther's Originals,” said Dalglish. “But today's modern game needs more than that, it needs someone who can relate to today's players and their celebrity lifestyles. This is why I am arranging for the team to meet chart-topper Chesney Hawkes at half time.”

Liverpool's owners, New England Sports Ventures, have demonstrated that they are not prepared to let any management issues linger after releasing their old manager, old Roy 'Old Man' Hodgson, after just seven months in charge. It is rumoured that should the situation at Liverpool Football Club degenerate any further they will send a taxi for Paul Gascoigne to bring over some beers and a fishing-rod.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Motorists Welcome Moves To Scrap Confusing Road Signs And Anything Else That Might Slow Them In Getting Home To See Corrie

As society continues its inexorable slide to removing any need for anybody to learn anything, ever, the government acquiesced to demands from people who filled in an online petition from their wrecked cars and promised to review and scrap any road sign that was not immediately understandable to either a 5 year old child or a common-sense using Daily Mail reader.

“It is simply not my responsibility to understand stupid road-signs, who on earth knows what 'Give Way' means anyway?” said Sophie Billingsworth. “All I want is a straight road to my house with no distractions. Having to take care at junctions sometimes makes me miss the start of Emmerdale. It's so unfair.”

However Twitter feeds and Facebook pages, the true measures of all matters of import in 2011, have been full of debate, with those both for and against the changes offering reasoned arguments in support of their position.

“Stupid signs, having to read them distracts me from texting what I had for lunch,” said @Crasher1981. Whereas another user commented that “If the road-signs did not tell me, how would I know what speed was safe to drive at? Especially at night, on unlit roads. In the snow. Whilst texting.”

Motoring organisations say that it is often signs that cause so-called 'Information Overload' which can lead to accidents, especially at busy junctions or if Gail McIntyre (née Potter; previously Tilsley, Platt and Hillman) has decided to marry yet another person from the same street.

“These signs are so boring, sure they may provide information but what use is that to anyone? Anyway common-sense says that I can either read a stupid sign or a tweet about Tracey Barlow, but not both,” said Billingsworth. “I have been driving for over 20 years and never had an accident – mind you I have seen plenty in my rear-view mirror.”

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Archbishop Urges Learning A 400 Year Old Reboot Of An Iron Age Story And Then Prostitute Daughters To Pay Off Credit Cards

The Archbishop of Canterbury has urged the people of Britain to rediscover the original “story of the universe” as told in the King James Bible in their bid to understand their place in society. This, he says, will enable them to put their own lives into a wider perspective and to apply some old solutions to modern day problems.

“You may feel there's only one big story and that's about money and whether I have got a job tomorrow and whether my children can afford higher education,” explained the Archbishop. “But it is easy enough to send your sons to university, simply read Exodus 21:7 and sell your daughter into slavery to pay the tuition fees.”

The archbishop said that the bible provides other tools for helping families struggling with the harsh economic and employment times.

“Many people are struggling to pay their debts, and they are faced with banks and bailiffs attempting eviction or to remove their property,” explained the Archbishop. “Whilst the exact ratio of forced sex to repayment is a matter of some ecclesiastical debate, Genesis 19:8 provides a clear solution to the man with at least two daughters. Simply let the debt collectors rape them.”

The archbishop said that there are other areas in which the church and the Bible should be taken seriously as it is as relevant today as it was when man was slowly mastering iron as a tool and believed that the Earth was the centre of the universe.

“The government is wrestling with its spending commitments but once again the Bible can provide guidance, such as all that expense that the NHS incurs with childbirth.” said Dr Rowan Williams. “For example the NHS budget can be easily reduced by following Genesis 3:16 and prohibiting women from any pain relief during childbirth. They are unclean then anyway as the clear medical guidance of Leviticus 15:22 explains. So they probably should not have expensive doctors touching them either.”

In other budgetary matters the Archbishop said that the welfare cutbacks proposed by the coalition government were also in line with God’s teaching.

“I don’t think cutting Child Benefit and so on is going far enough, children, like all men should be put to work,” said Dr Williams. “After all does 2 Thessalonians 3:10 not say that he who shall not work shall not eat? Although I am working, of course I am, now did you know the Church can claim Gift Aid for this advice?”

Dr Williams said that leaving economics aside, the Bible was incredibly relevant to today’s modern societal and family structures.

“The story of the messiah gives us great insight into a family that may have broken up, or one with a parent keen to push a child forward in our celebrity obsessed culture,” said Dr Williams. “After all his absent father only finally acknowledged Jesus as his son once he was famous.”

Monday, January 03, 2011

Football “missing out on tragedies”

The Football Association today issued a statement urging teams and players to forge ever more tenuous links with community tragedies, such as missing people or murders. Following a peak in the early part of the 21st century the number of minutes silence observed at the start of matches has dropped alarmingly.


“The Premier League is the best in the world for aligning itself to tragedies such as loss in the community - whichever community that is - but the teams need to keep that momentum up that has been built up in the last two decades. In the week following 9/11 I must have attended at least 6 minutes silences, but this season I've sat through dozens of games this season and seen nothing but football,” said FA spokesman Richard Billingsworth. “All that the teams used to need was a picture of a missing child in a football kit and they would arrange a for a player to mow the parent's lawn.”

The FA is concerned that recent high-profile murders or the search for missing persons have not caused any overt reaction from the teams.

“Christmas is a period with a lot of high-profile matches shown on the TV all over the world, yet the people of China had no cause to look at their watches angrily as the players stood around the centre circle for no good reason,” said Billingsworth. “Children's role models need to be on display to maximise the sales opportunities for club remembrance packages.”

The FA was said to be further dismayed that the electronic advertising around Premier League pitches has not been used to show any pictures of pretty blonde missing girls for some time. However, despite recent poor performance, the association still had some dependable resources to fall back on.

“Well, we in the FA, still have one area where we can rely on the standards to be maintained,” revealed Billingsworth. “We have got the England national side, which is a continual source of national tragedy.”