Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities.

“Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.”

Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years.

“He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for him at Northern Rock and he will also have the chance to get back to that revolutionary peasant lifestyle in the North East of England.”

Mr Castro has said that he is keen to get straight to work at Northern Rock, and will focus initially on revitalising a brand that has lost a great deal of it's credibility in recent months.

“Why-Aye man, we ha' tae tret the future of yon bank carefully, like. Somethin' that fits in with, like, local community would nae be too sackless. So summat like the 'Northern Rock of the Revolution' , 'People's Revolutionary Bank of Newcastle', or 'Comrade Brown's Glorious Co-operative Society', ” said Mr Castro as he descended the steps from his plane at Newcastle International Airport. “Mind, like, I divn't give a shite.”

Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law.

"Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle.

Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled 'You lot aren't taking bloody Christianity seriously enough'.

"The idea of arbitration based on mystic law is exactly the way we should go and shows that the UK has advanced too far away from the kinds of superstition I have spent my life promoting," said a voice from under several yards of fabric.

Whilst Ms Mills has made no public comment on any aspect of the proceedings, a close friend said that she was considering the suggestion.

"Heather is clearly the victim in this drama. She is the one having to leak scurrilous stories and innuendo to the tabloid media," said the pal. "There is £800m at stake and without portraying herself as a martyr she doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Many social commentators believe that the move would be popular with supporters of both sides of the dispute, dubbed the 'Most Tedious Divorce of the Century', and would certainly be welcomed by the public at large.

"If you sold tickets for the honour killing at Wembley, it would be a sell-out within a few hours," said one tabloid journalist. "During her recent unhinged performances on breakfast TV, there can't have been many people watching who didn't want to stone her themselves."


Sunday, February 10, 2008

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella.

"We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman.

The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries.

"A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention of one of the countries on a US news broadcast, in a British paper or Parisian brothel."

It isn't just current affairs and technology where the Axis Of Evil has taken a pre-eminent role in world affairs; it has grasped the imaginations of leading writers and thinkers across the cultural landscape.

"Hollywood movies are full of references to Iran and Iraq especially, less so North Korea until someone hires a Chinese Elvis impersonator to play Kim Jong-Il," said Billingjani. "Not just that but the Iranian terrorist has replaced the iconic British mastermind as the standard evil stereotype."

The group of three now sees an opportunity to expand and has offered alignment talks with Syria and the emerging totalitarianism of Pakistan.

"We hope to be able to invite more and more nation's that share our ideals, especially Syria, who will probably need a nuke or two in the near future if the US continues its grand tour. With Pakistan being a theocracy effectively under martial law and holding hundreds of nuclear weapons, we feel it can really enhance what we hope to call the Evil 5," said Billingjani.

The E5 sees its future expansion as being intrinsic to it’s economic influence, an area where it feels that pure hatred will never be enough to sustain member states individually.

"We have to co-operate to compete with the big players," said Mr Billingjani. "We hope to create a future in which millions of people can be assured that at least half of the torture equipment being used upon them will bear the inscription ‘Made in the AOE’."

However the nascent E5 has plans to expand outside the Middle East and Asia and into the more developed countries.

"We are an open group of despotic nations. Our plans for enlargement are open to any country that shares our ideals of leadership by irrational theocracy, torture and overt threats to other countries," explained Mr Billingjani. "Indeed, if they can sort out the problems they have with their religious fundamentalists and their weak currency, we hope one day to be able to an extend an invitation to the USA."


Friday, February 08, 2008

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch.

"It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males.

"It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but the feminazi courts say I have to stay a mile away from Kylie. I can't afford a telephoto lens to cover that distance."

Mr Billingsworth, a victim he says of a society that has simply lost touch with the needs of honest working men like himself, is determined his story should be told. It is, he says far more succinctly than can be written, a warning of the sweeping emasculation of our society.

"I had to save up a lot of my disability benefit for that ticket to Sydney. I haven't been able to work for nigh on thirteen year because of a trapped nerve in my elbow." he said. "I heard that Kylie was unhappy, wanted love, and a family and went to her aid."

According to press reports Kylie Minogue is desperately seeking a family and has got back together with one-time partner Olivier Martinez after he drunkenly phoned her up late one night and has agreed to give her the baby she yearns for.

"I did better than that," said Reginald. "I turned up at her home in Sydney in the early ours, drunk too and offered to get her pregnant right there and then. I'd even got a few Victoria Bitters in. It seems it's one law for handsome, sophisticated, Parisian actors and another for hard-working men from Salford."

Reginald is unbowed by his experience and even being barred from Australia is, he says, no barrier to him being able to share true happiness with one of the women of his fevered dreams.

"I read that Dannii Minogue is complaining she isn't getting enough and she's in that there London for the X-Factor soon," he said. "I don't mind springing for the blonde wig."

Monday, February 04, 2008

MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary move of the commons’ chamber lending the British Virgin Islands proposals a great deal of cross-party support. The move would also bring closer those people most important to a constituency MP, his financial advisors.

"Moving the Houses of Commons to a new, purpose-built location will provide 21st century parliamentarians with the office-complex-cum-country-club that they need," said former Wales Secretary and cash enthusiast Peter Hain. "The weather out there would be good for my hard-working secretary - my 80 year old mum."

Those members of parliament thought of as the most conservative could see merit in the idea even if it means a break with tradition and a likelihood of increase costs at such a remote location.

"Whilst it often seems that the old ways are being swept away by the tide of change, we must always look to the future," said Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton. "Now that traditional dodges - such as having the public pay the notional rent on a flat in London that one has in trust for one’s children - have been found out, we need to look further afield for new opportunities."

Many political analysts see little downside in the move, saying that it represented a logical step in the modernisation of parliamentary practice.

"I think it would improve the quality and accessibility of parliament to move the commons 5,000 miles to the Caribbean," said Gavin Billingsworth, parliamentary sketch writer for the Daily Express. "You would get a lot more attendance and quality reporting of debates by journalists if they were held at a beach-front bar."

Friday, February 01, 2008

Market analysts “FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really mean”

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage.

Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube.

Market experts such as Callum Billingsworth, 20, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates, have to deal with hundreds of pieces of economic data and statistical reports, to determine the direction the market will take.

"This stock here is being traded heavily and the price is rising right. That is because the market thinks that the latest news regarding inflation will increase retail foot-fall and thus luxury expenditure, such as expensive frothy coffee, will go up," he said. "No wait, that one’s gone red now. That is because the news that unemployment has gone down, no wait, up. And there is some flooding near a shopping centre in …. No it is back in the black now, that is because Gordon Brown’s gone to China to, wait. Red again."

At this point Mr Billingsworth looked for late breaking news from the BBC, Sky and Bloomberg before watching part of the Bugatti Veyron race from ‘Top Gear’, leading him to have a "really good feeling about the prospects of the truffle industry".

"The markets are terribly turbulent at the moment, every different piece of news sends them spiralling up or down. Who knows where it will go next?" said Mr Billingsworth. "Seriously, if your readers have any ideas, we’d love to hear them."

The CAC40 in Paris was suffering another difficult day with more revelations regarding Jerome Kerviel's actions at Societe General being compounded by the news that beleaguered trader’s would face a extra 5 wheezing minutes walk as the nearest Tabac had run out of Gitanes. Millions of Euros were wiped off the values of shares.

However a mood of optimism broke out the FTSE when one of the trader’s reacted quickly to some unexpected housing news from the United States.

"Well it was really quite thrilling," said a trader at the LSE, who didn’t wish to be named, as his family isn’t aware of what he does for a living - to avoid embarrassment he says he is an actor specialising in Donkey Porn. "I suddenly realised that the housing market here is nothing like that in the USA. We are much more sophisticated and stable here. I made a killing and it was all thanks to last night’s ‘A place in the Sun’."

However such loose-cannon behaviour did not go unnoticed and, with the current fear of rogue traders, such independent thinking can be dangerous.

"You have to be careful how you operate, just look at Societe Generale," said another trader who again did not wish to be named in case his wife found out their expensive lifestyle was not made by selling drugs at school gates. "If they had stuck to the City way and just followed whatever shares were moving on the Dow Jones until their hangovers cleared they would still have a pot to piss in."