Friday, November 13, 2009

“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.

“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”

ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.

“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”

The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.

“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”

The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.

After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.

“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”

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