Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Monday, January 16, 2012

Agony Aunt - “I am a closet cross-dresser”

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages.

Dear Fi,
I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public.

First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children.

Dearest Martin,
Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 team they are based in Milton Keynes and have been since 1996 when they were formed as Stewart Grand Prix, before passing through Jaguar to RBR.

So, just as Force India claim to be from the sub-continent but have been based in Silverstone since 1991 as Jordan, you wish to dress up as woman to reveal how you really feel about yourself. So I say go for it. Surprise the wife and kids at breakfast to find you in a nice casual summer dress. Don’t forget to shave your legs!

If you want to take your transformation further, perhaps, progressing towards surgery and finally becoming a woman, then take your example from Mercedes. They dress their car as German in their Brackley, England base, but they have no shame in grabbing their throbbing powerplant from just up the road in Brixworth and using it as a stressed member.
Auntie Fi

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