Tuesday, December 25, 2012

CNN Desperately Searches For The Receipt For Piers Morgan

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan.

“It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.”

When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts.

“To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingsworth. “And the Morgan doesn't play well with others, does it? Very disruptive.”

After some embarrassment the disagreement was eventually resolved when Britain agreed to see about exchanging the Morgan for a Philip Schofield, the deal fell through when, despite searching, it transpired that no one had seen Piers Morgan at CNN for some time.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Friday, December 07, 2012

Gwynedd Council Rejects Israeli Plans For New Settlements In Golan Snowdonia After Computer Simulation

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park.

“We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.”

The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself.

“Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improve the road network around Dolbenmaen to allow for the new border checkpoints.”

An emergency meeting of the council cabinet took additional submissions and statements from those affected by the Israeli proposals, which included a new community library, affordable key-worker housing and the installation of a battery of the Israeli Defence Force's 'Iron Dome' antimissile systems.

“We don't want to be seen as negative, the idea of facing the 'separation barrier' around the town with local slate was well received,” said Councillor Billingsworth-Jones. “But perhaps the minefield around the children's play area less so.”

The council emphasised that it was with great regret that they had to turn down the Israeli application but it followed a thorough review of a 3D model of the proposed Golan Heights Snowdon development.

“We had several extensive simulations made. First using Minecraft and then a particularly compelling submission using Call of Duty – Owen the War edition,” said Billingsworth-Jones. “Whilst we thought that the exploding buses and constant helicopter raids need not necessarily have a detrimental effect on existing property prices, we are concerned about the inevitable devastation of the rural economy that would be caused by the proposed Tesco Superstore.”

We've been here before