Thursday, November 30, 2006

Arrested man pleads “Are you gay noob?”

The trial continued today of a man accused of several charges of theft and battery following an afternoon crime spree including receiving stolen goods.

The man was identified as Jason Billingsworth, 21, from Reading but identified himself only as ThundaHawk85 and claimed to be from Kharanos in Dun Morogh.

The court heard how Mr Billingsworth had arrived at The Oracle shopping centre and proceeded to various shops. The first altercation came in the queue of the shop GAME where Mr Billingsworth is accused of assault over the last remaining copy of the “Gears of War” console game. Witnesses say that Mr Billingsworth shouted loudly “F.F.S. You loser, You would suck anyway. Loll” before pushing another shopper to the ground and taking the game from his hands as well as the shopper’s money. Throwing the money at the sales assistant, Mr Billingsworth then allegedly ran out of the shop shouting “You’ve been owned by the Guild of the Red Faction.”

The court further heard how Mr Billingsworth evaded apprehension by security guards in the crowd of the shopping centre. Mr Billingsworth claimed this was because his “elite skills rocks awed”.

Another altercation happened in the HMV music store. Witnesses gave evidence that when challenged by staff who suspected him of shoplifting, he replied “like, what, it ain’t theft man, everyone does it. My like mate Digger Master gave me like twenty gigs of cool toons man. So **** you mo-fo.”

Witnesses also testified that Mr Billingsworth was arrogant and abusive, even including the trial itself. Labelling the jury a “bunch of lame nubbins” he also declared that the court “****ing sucks” and needed “some good banging hip hop”. He also declared that the judge “was an old, gay, hacksaw” who, bizarrely, should be reported for cheating. He would frequently only respond to questions with an exaggerated smiley or sad face and phrases such as “ruffle Mao”. At several times during the proceedings he asked the public gallery if there was any “fit F want some lovin’ from my nine inches”. In fact during the trial itself Mr Billingsworth was further charged with six counts of affray following questions from the prosecution.

The final charge against Mr Billingsworth was that he was caught frantically masturbating whilst looking at the rotating lingerie display in a shop window claiming to passers by that “I have like loads of like bitches. My girlfriend is, like, upstairs, but I want to get it on with the avatar anyways.”

Educational and psychiatric assessments indicated that Mr Billingsworth was barely literate and had limited social skills. Further testimony revealed he spends 18 hours per day playing games or surfing chat rooms on the internet.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I so wanted to be offended but you can't have everything init.

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