Friday, September 24, 2010

Chilean Miners Express Sympathy For Chris Moyles

The group of miners who have been stranded underground for months, and face further months under the ground, have expressed their sympathy for millionaire DJ Chris Moyles who claims he hasn’t been paid for at least a 6 weeks.

“We are united in our sympathy for Chris, who entertains us with his comments about gays and camp people and his hurried explanations that it is just a joke,” said Sevriano Billingsweros one of the men trapped underground. “Whilst we are not like Chris, as we are talented professionals and we are not paid millions of pounds despite having identifiable talents, we too haven’t been paid for some time.”

The issue came to light after Mr Moyles deviated from the painstakingly prepared script for his show for the first 32 minutes to launch into a tirade against BBC executives claiming that they have missed one regular payment.

“To be honest we hadn’t actually realised Chris was paid at that point and are hoping previous payments were a mistake,” said a senior BBC insider. “We just assumed it was all still for Comic Relief.”

The tirade led to jammed switchboards at the BBC as millions of people phoned up to offer to fill in for Mr Moyles should the DJ find his current employment conditions intolerable.

“It must be very saddening to Chris, as we all know that he spends hours and hours preparing the script for each show,” said Jim a cab driver from South East London who listens to Moyle’s show at the end of his 12 hour night shifts. “To have to get into the chauffeur driven car each morning to take you into a plush radio studio and be fawned over by a sycophantic team and adoring public in the knowledge that there might be a delay in your regular payment schedule must be very upsetting.”

Jim, like many, has offered to stand in for the DJ for £100 a day, plus travel expenses but said that he would require some support. In addition to himself he would need someone who knew how to work the BBC radio studio printer to get the news to ensure it could be read out on time.

“It wouldn’t be easy swapping the night-club runs of Lewisham for the dangers of a breakfast show, but I would do my best,” said the cab driver. “I’d be relying on my 10 year old son for the latest in playground humour and jokes about bum bandits. Sorry just kidding I was smiling when I said it! See, I am a natural.”

The BBC denied that Mr Moyles’s job was under threat following his outburst, saying that there was always the risk of such moments with highly strung talent.

“Many people phoned in to comment on his 32 minute tirade,” said a BBC source. “Thousands said that Chris’s detailing of the administration problems that his production company is facing with the invoicing system within the BBC were the most entertaining part of this 6 year run.”

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Right Wing Nut Job Too Nutty For Right Wing Nut Job Party Says Wing Nut

Many members of the conservative US Republican “Grand Old Party” had been looking to the anti-establishment Tea Party for a revival in fortunes. However there are concerns that masturbation expert Christine O’Donnell may just be too much of a political maverick following revelations that she has a history of dabbling with the occult and other anti-Christian activities.

“Christine’s great. Like Sarah Palin but without the entrenched policies,” said Tea Party activist Clint Billingsworth IV, from Charlottesville. “But you know, messing with the occult, well that wasn’t something that Jesus did when he was at High School.”

Ms O’Donnell has responded to the criticism explaining that many people probably had friends and interests in their youth that do not necessarily represent their views as they have got older.

“Didn’t everyone spend time with questionable folks at high school?”, said cock enthusiast Ms O’Donnell. “I know that one of my first dates was on a satanic altar, then we had a midnight picnic. Then I went home and formed my hard-line views on masturbation. And God how hard they were.”

The Tea Party was founded to break down traditional politics. Its members have publicly condemned as a Nazi plan the attempts of President Obama to try and prevent millions of poor Americans from dying. However the latest revelations about the occult have, in the eyes of many in US politics, aligned her too much with mainstream thinking.

Obama, even if he were even born in the US, which he wasn’t, is trying to put in place a National Socialist healthcare plan,” said Billingsworth reclining on the sofa in his front garden. “But them Nazis, they dabbled in that O’ccult too, so I don’t know about Christine. She sounds like a Nazi demon like that Kenyan in Washington.”

Ms O’Donnell shot to US public attention with a surprise win of the Delaware Senate nomination and then gained notoriety following the publishing of her views on masturbation.

“People should abstain from masturbation, as it is a sin,” explained Ms O’Donnell in a nation-wide TV campaign against masturbation. “It’s just not the same as a good seeing to from a big cock.”

Friday, September 17, 2010

Transcript Of Pope Benedict’s Future Meeting With God Discovered

As Pope Benedict XVI tours Great Britain a transcript from the year 2020 has been discovered. It appears to be the minutes of a meeting between the late Joseph Ratzinger and God:-

St Peter

As His papal representative on Earth you get a personal audience, I'll just take the minutes.


Ah Ratzinger. Good To See You. This Won't Take Long Now, Just A Few Questions And We Can Process Your Application For Entrance To Heaven.


So it is true? Heaven, Hell, Jesus, St. Peter. It is all true? My faith is rewarded.


Yep, It's True, We'll See About The Reward Bit At The End.


Stick that Muslims.


Well, I Am Their God Too.


Yes, yes, so my version, is the true faith?


Well Lets See. Got A Couple Of Questions About Your Devotion, And Any Suffering For The Faith And All That. Right Now, Christianity, Have You Really Stuck To The Boy's Teachings?


I have served you both faithfully for 93 years.


Let's See, Hitler Youth?


Culture of the time, I never really supported it. I was only in it for the saluting.


Really? Shame? See The Jews Still Don't Recognise My Boy And Well I Am An Old Stick-In-The-Mud, So A Pogrom Against The Jews – Well I Have Been Known To Inflict A Bit Of Mass Suffering In My Time.


Well, erm, yes, it gave focus to youth, did a lot of community work. And saluting. Unflinching adherence to offensive doctrine does prepare one for a life in the Church.


But The Persecution, It Wasn't Love Thy Neighbour Was It? That Was The Old Me, Fire, Brimstone, Flood. I Mellowed After The Boy Came Along, Like Many Parents. Love Everyone Was His Message.


Christ, Oh sorry. This religion lark's tricky. Erm, well the other stuff has been good.




Complete sin, always been against it. Definitely.


Even Between Consenting Adults? Me Fearing Christian Adults?


Yes, very much so.


Rape Of Children?


Of course, a sin too.


I Don't Remember Saying To Defend Paedophiles, You've Spent Decades Doing That.


Well er, no hold on, that's not totally fair, I mean I had to protect the church.


A Church Full Of Paedophiles - You Even Moved Them From One Parish To Another Rather Than Them Face Earthly Justice - Is That What You Were Protecting?


Well, erm. Christ. I mean. Erm. Sorry. Well really it's just following your example?


My Example? This Is A New Interpretation, Even For Me!


Well you did give Mary one. And she was under-age.


She Was A Girl.


Hence why homosexuality is the ultimate sin and so much worse than fiddling with a choir boy?


So There Is Method To Your Madness! Bugger Me.


Christ no! Oh, sorry. Again.


Any Suffering You Want To Discuss – Always Good For Heaven A Bit Of Suffering, Eh Pete?


I did a fair bit of travelling the world, spreading the Word.


You Mean You Drove Around In That Ice Cream Van Of Yours, It's Hardly Being Crucified Upside Down Is It?


I wore the big hat.


Taxpayers Spent Millions And You Didn't Even Give Them A Cornetto.


I did a gig with Susan Boyle?


Christ! Sorry. You're In.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pasta At Centre Of Quorn Burning Outcry Agrees To Suspend Event

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Gainesville, Florida in the USA has said that it has temporarily suspended plans for a mass Quorn burning event in a dispute over the site of the new meat free Zero Ground Meat Kiosk being built on Manhatten Island.

“Quorn is a deviation from the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s teachings, may His balls always be meaty,” commented Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “If American vegetarians wish to eat a replacement for meat it is clear that Pasta is the only substitute.”

The subject of Quorn has been controversial in the US over fears that followers of a Quorn based diet exhibit allergic reactions, with women being forced to cover themselves from head-to-toe in black sheets and some on extremist Quorn diets being driven to violence.

“His Sauciness has made it clear that flour and water are sacred,” said Billingsworth. “It is an affront to build their Zero Ground Meat Kiosk so close to Little Italy.”

Little Italy has gained almost sacred status in American culture having seen the murders of many spaghetti eaters. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is adamant that the celebration of other vegetarian dishes in the area would be seen as a triumphalist move from those that have taken against the Pasta way of life.

“It is just un-pastafarian to build that Kiosk there and we want to peacefully draw the world’s attention to its proximity to Little Italy,” said Billingsworth. “We will do this by burning a tonne of Quorn over fifteen hundred miles away,”

Across the world the Quorn burning plan has been condemned by religious and political leaders fearful that it will insight Quorn followers to retaliate, perhaps violently.

“People should be free to follow whatever diet they want. There is no need to ruin anyone’s Barbecue,” said former US Messiah Barack Obama. “Barbecues are what this country stands for. Who cares what is actually under half a pound of melted processed cheese anyway?”

As America braces itself for a day that may end in conflagration, the Pasta at the centre of the controversy is prepared to suspend the burning as part of ongoing talks over the future of the Zero Ground Meat Kiosk.

“The Flying Spaghetti Monster, may His balls always be meaty, would not wish me to cause offence and so the burning will be delayed,” said Billingsworth. “At least until after Thursday’s Shit on the Koran, Bible and Talmud Day,”

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Football World Alarmed That Next England Manager Will Speak English

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English.

“It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.”

Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them.

“At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do."

There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their fans.

“I am sick as parrot,” exclaimed Harry Redknapp blowing the whistle on the FA. "Why us!! When they (the FA) don't speak English too good or nothin’"

“The moon, she is under me,” cheered Professor Guido Billingsworthski from the Oxford Linguistic Studies College, situated above the Bentley dealership, who was delighted to have been engaged by several players. “I am here to help every peoples turn the new leaf,” he explained. “It’s a simple case of crossing the I's and dotting the T's".

Peter Crouch is the first player to turn to the Billingsworthski academy following the recent confusion over his attempts to acquire some gardening equipment.

“I got home late and realised that I need to turn over some sod in the garden,” said Crouch. “That was why I went to get a Hoe. In Madrid,” he explained. “So I don’t want that to happen again, because I have to get Four Candles next week. From a Thai brothel.”

England captain Stephen Gerrard has leapt in support of beleaguered manager Fabio Capello by insisting that there has been no communication breakdown and the squad is fully committed to the nation.

“I want him to stay,” insisted Gerrard. “We fully understand that If we stand still we will end up being backward”.

From our English-as-a-second-language reporter Shivriano

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Hawking Rejects The Hand Of God Sees A Lucky Rabbit's Foot

In his forthcoming book, The Grand Design, Hawking has concluded that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics with no dependency on any action from God.

“It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper,” he explains. “Quantum fluctuations - temporary changes in the amount of energy in a point in space, arising from Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle can create all possible matter – antimatter combinations. And anyway the universe was a present in Father Christmas's sack.”

In the book co-written by Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking sets a significant departure from his previous views on the subject, he now purports that the Easter Bunny was the prime catalyst for spontaneous creation from the particle soup chaos that led to the formation of the universe.

Hawking writes that he has always been a true believer ever since his childhood observation of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer powered sleigh orbiting the Moon set in motion his departure from traditional theories.

“Clearly mammals were important to creation. That makes the coincidence that a rabbit or hare as the earthly symbol for goddess Eastre more than a lucky happenstance”.

“I know nothing of the details of physics but I had always assumed the existence of the Tooth Fairy”, adds Richard Dawkins the renowned biologist. “Really other suggestions are just preposterous. Can you imagine a universe without the Sandman, Tinkerbell and others too numerous to mention?”

The book describes Hawking’s new unified M-theory that relegates the current string theory to the dustbin of conjecture. Thanks to recent discovery of planets in nearby solar systems, the odds are starting to narrow and it is only matter of time till Little Green Men are discovered.

However, the revelations have not been universally accepted, with many leading theologians quick to dismiss the new research.

“I am pleased that Hawking has realised that the universe must have had a divine creator,” said war-time straight-right-arm saluting enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI. “However with the world containing such sorrow, misery and sin which the Vatican has always maintained is caused by women then the instigator must have been the Tooth Fairy,”

In the middle-east the news was met with angry reaction. In Gaza effigies of Father Christmas were burnt by crowds chanting support for the Easter Bunny, whilst during the Sabbath Musaf Rabbis emphasised that rabbits are not considered Kosher to avoid the risk of eating the creator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unavailable for comment.

From field reporter Shivriano

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