Celebrity house open for new season

As the New Year hangovers clear Britain once again braces itself for the events that will transpire in a stylised house in London filled with D-list celebrities.

The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means.

There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house.

Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of this particular series of broadcasts there is likely to be a re-shuffle in the hierarchy based on the popularity gained or lost over the last few weeks.

Recently, Michael Martin MP, the speaker of the House of Commons denied it was to move to Celebrity Big Brother style text voting, a new series of which coincidentally overlaps with this next session of Parliament.

Desperation at UK airports

Most UK airports were filled with desperate news reporters tryng to turn the recent bout of fog into screaming and tearful human interest stories.

"I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace."

"The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else".

"I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here."

An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought back the tears "Damn Britain for being a bloody island and having various means of transport. I mean it all makes sense and is so unfair. The bloody fog has come a few days too early to really impact Christmas. And if it does carry on well no one will be interested. Does no one care about my Christmas?"

"One family had a connecting flight cancelled, and they were going on about their Christmas presents being in the luggage, that sounded promising - I was sure I could get the kids to cry, but it turned out that their suitcases were just waiting at a different terminal in the same airport. They just don't care about us ordinary reporters. They don't care about my news reports being delayed or lost, or my promotion being cancelled."

Ms Billingsworth's mood cheered when it became apparent that BA's website was struggling to cope with the load of enquiries and there were also delays in answering the emergency helpline.
"Shame it was only the website that crashed, but this could still be great. I just need to get someone to burst into tears at the Internet cafe, hopefully who has an ill grand mother, and it might be a good Christmas after all. "

Sky announce new year "HD" special

Today, BSkyB announced its new "Hanging Direct" extravangaza. The 3 hour show will take place live from Baghdad and feature a variety performance from some of showbiz's most famous stars who have been unable to get Panto work. The culmination of the variety show will be the hanging of Saddam Hussein, thought likely to gain the highest pay-per-view ratings in history.

The Deputy Prime Minister - John Prescott denied any impropriety on the part of the government in awarding the execution contracts and insisted selling the TV rights was not a desperate attempt to help pay for the cost of the War in Iraq.

A further controversy broke when it was revealed that a refreshment caravan for the venue was to be run by the Foreign Secretary - Margaret Beckett.

John Prescott was adamant. "Instead of anything untoward, this should be seen as furthering the spread of democracy and freedom and showing that the west is indeed serious about such matters" he said. BSkyB would not comment on rumours that the government was using the execution of the "Butcher of Baghdad" as a test for future democratisation of Iraq on the western model, although the country's infrastructure is being readied for mass text voting.

Whilst stories that the judges for any future trials will be selected via a new interactive programme "How do you solve a problem like Sharia?" are thought to be wide of the mark, it is believed that the Fox Network in the USA has secured the exclusive rights to the trial and execution of Osama Bin Laden, should he ever be captured.

Kicking causes serious injury - research finds

A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds.

These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.

"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."

Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."

The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.

"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."

It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.

"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."

easyBus to expand into long haul with easyCoach

Today, the airport shuttle service arm of the easy Group of companies announced its long awaited plans to expand into the national “long haul” bus market by adding two newer, larger vehicles to its fleet and the launch of its new easyCoach brand.

“Several years ago we vowed to take on Megabus in the low-cost, no-frills inter-city coach business, however the major issue was finding the right vehicles to compete,” explained Fiona Billingsworth, CEO of easyCoach. “Our current Mercedes Sprinter minibuses are not suitable for the London to Glasgow run, however we have now done a landmark deal in coach leasing to bring easyCoach to the market.”

The new fleet of vehicles has been leased from the House of Windsor and the Lord Mayor of London. Whilst easyCoach admits the vehicles are old, nearly 250 years old in fact, they have been regularly serviced and are in ‘showroom quality‘ as they have only been used once a year.
“Our customers come to us for value for money and so they will welcome the new coaches. We think our customers will love them, even though they are a bit brighter and more gaudy than the easy Group’s normal and more reserved orange styling.

“Since we have two coaches in the fleet we can give customers used to easyJet the reassurance that we have a backup in the event a service has to be cancelled.”

Ticket pricing has yet to be finalised, however easyCoach said that they would be competitive in the market. “Yes, we won’t be beaten on price. However book early because there are only four seats in each coach but we are sure we can cram quite a few passengers in!” said Mrs Billingsworth. “Journey times too will be competitive depending on how often we stop to give the horses a rest - we currently plan for a monthly service, with each journey taking approximately a fortnight in either direction from London to Glasgow. Which competes favourably with how long a journey on Virgin Trains feels.”

Young Sport personality of the year “fitting”

Many were surprised at the winners of the BBC Sports Personality of the year awards with the individual awards going to the less mainstream sports men and women. Football and cricket, predictably, given .the lack of successful British teams , failed to get their names on the familiar trophy. However one award that seemed fitting was that of the Young Sports Personality of the year, going to Theo Walcott.

“We felt that the this award perfectly matched the aspirations of teenagers everywhere and should act as an inspiration to those young sports people that if they keep plugging away it will get recognised,” said Steve Billingsworth of the BBC’s judging panel. “Theo has spent the best part of the year being driven around Europe and sitting listening to his Ipod whilst his playing family has been getting involved in activities. This is the behaviour of many teenagers in Britain and so makes his award of the BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year so much more relevant.”

Walcott spent most of the year watching from the sidelines as his club Arsenal were runners-up in both the Premiership and the Champions League. However his fortune changed dramatically in the summer when he was able to watch England crash out the world cup on penalties - although of course he never got to kick a ball.
Theo, was unable to be there in person to accept the award, because he was of course keeping the Arsenal bench warm at Stamford Bridge as they drew with Chelsea. Fortunately the news was broken to him by a text message and he was able to record a brief speech on his mobile phone.

His agent said that in private Theo thought the award was “OK, suppose” and “not too lame, I didn’t like have to wear a Dinner Jacket or nothing.”

Electronics firm sets launch date for new "Mythical" console

Billenz, the German electronics manufacturer today announced the launch date for its “Mythical” games console. The console has been the subject of rumour, leaks and discussion within the games playing community for over a year. Although the company has refused to comment many games magazines and technology blogs have detailed the new machine, citing anonymous sources claiming to be former employees of Billenz. The feverish speculation has led the blogging community to declare the console as the most powerful yet conceived and predicted to knock Sony from the top step of the games console podium.

Heinz Billing, CEO and founder of Billenz today broke his silence on the project. “I have refused comment for the last of two years on details for this Mythical console. We repeatedly have denied its existence and refused to discuss its specifications, which we will continue. Again let me say, so I can be clear. This console is mythical, its performance is unimaginable. Nothing like this will be played in the world.”

When pressed as to the availability he replied, “Release date? How about April 1st?” Mr Billenz’s words met with a cheer from gaming journalists and bloggers present.

“That is just what we wanted to hear, “ said Kallum Smythe aka, ‘Mr Bloggy‘. “As April gets closer more and more gamers will be camped out on the streets waiting to get hold of not only the new console, but also the spectacular new games that we will be writing about over the next few months. We in the technology community needed this now that the PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii have all hit the shops.”

A hushed awe fell over those assembled when a question was asked about the controllers for the new machine, and whether they would be as innovative as the Wii-Mote motion sensitive device used on the Wii. “There is no controller, “ said Mr Billenz. This has already led to some industry pundits speculating about optical motion capture technology as used in military helicopters.

Mr Billenz was true to his word when he refused to reveal any specifications of the graphics capability of the Mythical machine, only that “You will not be able to tell the images generated by this mythical console.” leading to rife speculation of true photo realistic technology.

“It is very difficult, “ said Mr Billenz after the conference, “I try to tell them. We only make washing machines.”

Vandals call for greater regulation of Graffiti

A growing number of Britain’s youths are calling for greater regulation and protection of intellectual property in the increasingly competitive Graffiti media. A new pressure group has been formed and had its first open meeting today, under a flyover for the A2 in Falconwood.

“It’s bad now. N’ I don’t mean bad good, like, it’s butters to get your tags down.” explained T-Bone, leader of the T-Block gang. “I spent 5 minutes scratching my, like, tag into a window on one of, like, those new 89 buses. Like later all the windows was done - you couldn‘t, like, see mine or nothin‘.”

The problem, they say, is that their vandalism is overwritten and damaged and that there is so much graffiti it is not novel any more.

“No one looks,” said another child from T Block, dressed in what appeared to be his pyjamas. “I mean like, every inch is scratched like, people don’t even notice no more. The police should do sumfink to, like, protect our work.”

“It is not like it’s RA or even the Cherry Boys, like.” said T-Bone. “They got the same probs. None of us got any, like, talent, so it all just looks like a child done it. So other kids just scratch stuff in and ruin our work. We ain‘t got nothing’ witty to say so nothin‘ makes our stuff stand out.”

T-Bone’s father said that it was time that there was more done to protect the efforts of vandals. Jeff Billingsworth is a part time street huckster on behalf of a national Accident Claim compensation firm. “My boy has the right, like, not to have his work scratched over by someone else. It’s, like, defacement. Cos it is simple it’s, like, being copied. There is laws against copyin’ stuff. I know ’cos I was done for selling dodgy DVDs last month.”

“We need to get together, like, T-Block, RA and even the Cherry Boys with their gay name,” said Mr Billingsworth who plans to take his case up with Bexley council and is asking for help from other concerned parents in the area, especially as the council insists on a written query.

Devastation following ALF attack on small village

It is a scene of devastation and despair. Some residents of the once sleepy little village sit on the roadside in the torn clothing, others stagger amongst the rubble of their once picturesque houses searching for loved ones or what is left of their belongings. An injured driver sits on the curb next to the burnt out remains of his upturned Hackney Carriage.

“I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner.
The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered.

The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:-
“Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These animals can now run free, foraging and living as nature intended.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the lead testers at the Egg Research Lab where the Guinea Pig village was located, spoke to the press today. “The Guinea Pigs were happy. They had jobs, nicely heated homes and a plentiful supply of food. They had their choice of clothing and we rarely intervened in how they used our financial products. Some of them had some bad taste in interior décor and their computers really needed updating, but it all seemed so peaceful. Then last night a dozen masked intruders armed with cricket bats broke in through the warehouse windows and started to smash the models. Obviously some of the guinea pigs have escaped. We worry for them as they have never had to catch their own food or dig their own burrows. Also, their Egg cards won’t work in full sized cash machines.”

A masked member of the ALF, armed with a cricket bat, sent a video message to BBC News 24.
“They don’t tell you about the Guinea Pigs injured by dropped pencils do they? Egg don’t tell you about the two gay guinea pigs forced into a life of debt by the mounting credit card payments do they? What about those who buy nice big hats instead of making sure the baby guinea pigs get enough seed? Mr Snuggles will at least be able to claim on the insurance of his taxi and use that to stave off Egg’s repossession as he has fallen behind with his mortgage payments. Or at least he would if I hadn’t trodden on his house last night.”

4x4 vehicles “demonstrate penis envy”

Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality.

“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”

“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”

Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”

Brand aims to be ultimate TV brand

The race to be this year’s “face of everything” has heated up with the announcement that Russell Brand is to host Channel 4‘s “Top 100 cheap clips“ to be shown on Boxing Day. Brand who is currently found on TV, Radio, stage, DVD, boxer shorts and a new range of Pooper-Scoopers is said to be gearing up to challenge the long time holders of over exposure, Ant & Dec, head on.
However it is a challenge fraught with risk. Previous champions of TV ubiquity, such as Jimmy Carr, warn that is not an easy road. “We can’t all aspire to the longevity of Sir Terry Wogan, the master of being on everything,” commented Jimmy during a break in hosting the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards 2006. “One moment you are on game shows or “Top 50 Cheese Night” , the next you are handing out the award for ‘Best FSA compliant sub-prime Equity Release‘ whatever that is.” warned Mr Carr. “Still there is always an opportunity for a joke about gypsies.”

Indeed Mr Carr’s words were echoed by previous champions. Julian Clary advised Mr Brand “A chance like this only comes once, so he had best make a good fist of it”. A spokesman for Graham Norton commented today, from a chat-room on Yahoo.com. “If u av a career based on just ur personality then it can gr8 on the public v quickly L . De public goes off n dat can take u by surprise. From behind“.

All hope may not be lost should Brand‘s career follow those of Carr, Norton or Clary. Aside from the stalwarts of yesteryear, such as Wogan, Edmonds, and O’Conner, past holders of the crown of ubiquity have managed a come back from the panto circuit and into the mainstream media - as Tony Slattery’s well received sitcom on Radio Four has shown.

Brand could do well to listen to those whose high heeled boots have trodden the path before him. “It’ll take more than just a distinctive hairdo to take on Ant & Dec and survive.” commented Chris Evans.

It is Christmas 1982 - still

Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season!
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.

The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.

“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”

However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.

“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”

Feminists demand more objectification

In a surprise move a leading feminist group announced that it would be launching a campaign in supporting the increased objectification of women by the media.

The Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships will be holding rallies outside branches of WH Smiths and other prominent newsagents to complain about the portrayal of women in periodicals such as Heat, More, Closer, Now and all tabloid newspapers.

“Many people now think enough is enough, “said Union representative Charlie Billingsworth from her office in Watford. “For years we have campaigned for women to be considered as more than pretty adornments. We have urged society to want to get to know the person within the feminine body. It has gone too far now as we are swamped with a deluge of endless minutia about the daily lives of people who are famous for wearing a hat, for being thick or for sleeping with a footballer. Please, lets treat WAGs and It-girls as objects and put them away. Lets not learn anything more about their meaningless existences or the fact that on occasion they drink coffee.”

Ms Billingsworth denied there will be any mass burnings of tabloid magazines or newspapers or any coordinated attempt to remove them from shop’s shelves. However she did confirm that there would be organised protests at live events of future reality shows such as the next series of Big Brother. “For heaven’s sake people, please get over Nikki Grahame. Apart from anything else she is quite ugly.” she added.

Arrested man pleads “Are you gay noob?”

The trial continued today of a man accused of several charges of theft and battery following an afternoon crime spree including receiving stolen goods.

The man was identified as Jason Billingsworth, 21, from Reading but identified himself only as ThundaHawk85 and claimed to be from Kharanos in Dun Morogh.

The court heard how Mr Billingsworth had arrived at The Oracle shopping centre and proceeded to various shops. The first altercation came in the queue of the shop GAME where Mr Billingsworth is accused of assault over the last remaining copy of the “Gears of War” console game. Witnesses say that Mr Billingsworth shouted loudly “F.F.S. You loser, You would suck anyway. Loll” before pushing another shopper to the ground and taking the game from his hands as well as the shopper’s money. Throwing the money at the sales assistant, Mr Billingsworth then allegedly ran out of the shop shouting “You’ve been owned by the Guild of the Red Faction.”

The court further heard how Mr Billingsworth evaded apprehension by security guards in the crowd of the shopping centre. Mr Billingsworth claimed this was because his “elite skills rocks awed”.

Another altercation happened in the HMV music store. Witnesses gave evidence that when challenged by staff who suspected him of shoplifting, he replied “like, what, it ain’t theft man, everyone does it. My like mate Digger Master gave me like twenty gigs of cool toons man. So **** you mo-fo.”

Witnesses also testified that Mr Billingsworth was arrogant and abusive, even including the trial itself. Labelling the jury a “bunch of lame nubbins” he also declared that the court “****ing sucks” and needed “some good banging hip hop”. He also declared that the judge “was an old, gay, hacksaw” who, bizarrely, should be reported for cheating. He would frequently only respond to questions with an exaggerated smiley or sad face and phrases such as “ruffle Mao”. At several times during the proceedings he asked the public gallery if there was any “fit F want some lovin’ from my nine inches”. In fact during the trial itself Mr Billingsworth was further charged with six counts of affray following questions from the prosecution.

The final charge against Mr Billingsworth was that he was caught frantically masturbating whilst looking at the rotating lingerie display in a shop window claiming to passers by that “I have like loads of like bitches. My girlfriend is, like, upstairs, but I want to get it on with the avatar anyways.”

Educational and psychiatric assessments indicated that Mr Billingsworth was barely literate and had limited social skills. Further testimony revealed he spends 18 hours per day playing games or surfing chat rooms on the internet.

Tory party leader stands by the depiction of “tosser”

The Conservative Party has reacted to the controversy surrounding their recently launched ’tosser within’ internet video.

“It is a provocative advertising campaign aimed at young people and students, “ explained David Cameron. “There is an old Chinese proverb: 'Tell me and I will forget. Show me, and I will remember.' and with the visualisation of a ’tosser’ we hope to be able to show the nation what we stand for and hope they will remember”.

The advert features an irritating and badly dressed figure who encourages people to swap from one expensive fashionable trend to another, all the while storing up problems for the future without providing any actual solutions.

“This is the kind of thing that you will be seeing more and more from the Tories.” explained Mr Cameron, in turquoise cycling shorts and Day-Glo pink safety helmet. “I have been recently speaking on the environment, on immigration, on poverty and on security to name but four. This ’tosser’ brand is one that you will see increasingly on more and more issues.” Referring back to his Confucian wisdom Mr Cameron added. “When it comes to the tosser within us you will see a lot more showing from the Conservative party in the future.”

Snow Patrol fan David Cameron is no stranger to Internet spread videos of this nature having recently launched his “Webcameron” web journal featuring the Conservative leader commenting on hard hitting political issues whilst doing the washing up. It was after this first series of blogs that the Tories decided upon the depiction of a ‘tosser’ on the internet.

“Mr Cameron and the shadow cabinet have recently said that they want more direct action and so the Conservative Party itself has paid for these ’tossers’,” remarked political commentator Grant Billingsworth. “It remains to be seen after the next election if the taxpayer wishes to pay to see more of this ‘tosser’ too.”

SPORT: Premiership manager claims “It is all the fan’s fault”

Alec Billingsworth, manager at Premiership team Rotherington City United, today lashed out at the fans of the beleaguered club and urged them to get behind the team more.

“They just aren’t trying hard enough, “ accused Mr Billingsworth. “My boys are out there week in, week out, running around in all weathers and what they need is some support. Some of these fans think they are just there as an audience. Really the twelfth man is under-performing.”

Rotherington City United are languishing at the bottom of the Premiership and starting to lose ground in the relegation battle. Most football pundits lay the blame at the lack of command in midfield and the sieve like qualities of the left side of defence. However it appears the club itself believes the problems are in the stands and not on the pitch.

Condemnation of the fans lack of effort has also come from the Rotherington board and in particular the club’s chairman, Bill Worthing. “It’s a diabolical performance almost every Saturday. They swan into my ground as though here for fun. On that pitch are a collection of millionaires with some of the finest personal modelling contracts on the planet - when they aren’t in prison” said the flamboyant ex-politician. “It’s not enough to cheer occasionally while sitting n the cold and wet. They need to be roaring their support for each kick of the ball and make sure that their chants win in the air against the opposition fans Just because we are getting thumped each weekend is no excuse for not turning up to every match.”

Rotherington supporters are as non-plussed by the club’s comments as much as they are by the performance of the side. “How can I cheer them on, it’s £40 a ticket, and another tenner for a pie, a pint and a programme,” responded one fan “Then you watch a load of numpties who couldn’t find space if you chucked them out of the Shuttle. I tell you, if they closed Ikea on a Saturday I wouldn’t need to come anymore.”

False Economy predicted to grow

Figures from the Bank of England indicate that the False Economy is predicted to grow steadily throughout 2007 with a larger than normal seasonal growth from the end of 2006 and into the following spring.

“Normally the boom time for the False Economy is the January sales, and whilst we expect this to continue we are also noticing an increase in pre-Christmas reductions on offer on the high street,” commented Callum Billingsworth, 19, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates. “We can therefore expect the False Economy to have two growth spurts especially in clothing and shoes retailing - as women believe they are indeed saving money by buying more expensive items than they normally would - a traditionally strong area of the false economy which has its firmest period at this time of year.”

However, reflecting the progression to a more digital economy, the false savings market is expected to show a growth in “first month free” TV, broadband and phone deals - especially those that require a 12 month contract with rebates should you exit within the first month.

“We are really expecting to see a growth in the False Economy around the broadband sector. You get what you pay for and many customers will be signing up for free deals with quite restrictive limitations on either bandwidth or monthly usage allowance,” explained Callum. “These things have some lag due to word of mouth as customers, typically 30 something males, will not wish to talk about the deals initially since they will inevitably be experiencing their first month of expensive calls to support lines during the transfer from their existing and reliable service to the new patchy supplier. However once the pain is over they will evangelise about their savings thus creating growing the broadband False Economy as they forget about the initial pain and loss of service.”

The Christmas False Economy is expected to be particularly technology led, especially in the 16 to 25 age group. “The mobile phone companies have really come on, even the basic handsets have dozens of features nobody uses once they leave the shop and the recent announcements regarding TV on your mobile is an area we think of as a massive growth in wasted expenditure,” commented Billingsworth as he demonstrated a small, jerky, blurred image that was a apparently Wayne Rooney scoring from 20 yards out. “This trend will continue into the new year. When Microsoft Vista comes out a lot of people will upgrade their PCs to more powerful ones to do exactly the same things with them that they do now.”

However the good news is not simply confined to the young and the technology sectors. Pound stores are expected to continue their steady growth in cheap kitchen utensils and handyman tools that break after the first use. The Bank of England also highlighted the recent increase in energy costs which will lead to a surge in False Economy deals for elderly customers who have only electricity, and not gas, being signed up for duel fuel savings in shopping centres up and down the land.

Bird Flu “Devastates sub-editor population”

The Great British public has now developed a natural immunity to stories about H5N1 - the Bird Flu virus. So deadly has this inoculation become that there has been devastation across the news desks of media organisations. Spreading in the opposite direction to the over hyped disease has been a dearth of opportunities for headlines, stories and news reports from masked journalists. This wave of despair has travelled from the west of Europe towards the Far East.

The inoculation has been carried by a migration of experience, science and common sense as the pandemic failed to materialise as each month passed. Realisation that more people die from falling over in the UK each year than have ever been diagnosed with Bird Flu in the entire world has provided the relief from the symptoms of media induced paranoia the country was under.

Advertising executives too are suffering as even scurrilous throat lozenge advertising involving sneezing birds has been unable to scare the population into a frenzy of Bird Flu story dependency.
Scenes of the devastation are prevalent in many major cities: dead newspapers filled with virulent hyperbole pile up in boarded doorways; news websites are unable to send e-mails of coughing, wheezing stories to uninterested friends of readers; journalists stand forlornly, live, outside a job centre near you.

“It really has been devastating,” bemoaned Janet Billingsworth of the Union of Health Correspondents, “we had amassed a huge stockpile of stories. We had a lot of pseudo medical advertising on 24-hour standby to be run at any moment. We can only hope that it doesn’t spread fully into the East Asian market - our sponsors have ten billion sachets of lemon flavoured aspirin to dispose of.”

Tesbury’s open new checkout for “over 50s”

(featured as front page story for 26/11/2006 on Newsbiscuit)

The country’s leading supermarket, Tesbury’s, today announced that it was introducing special checkouts for the “60s or over”.

“We are always on the lookout for ways to make the shopping experience more appealing and we have noticed that a number of our older customers have special needs that are not being catered for in the normal shopping experience,” explained Hamish Billingsworth of Tesbury’s Public Relations. “This section of the community wants to be able to come in and have a chat during the checkout process. They want to be able to spend not only half an hour shopping but to suddenly remember something that they must have after a further ten minutes standing at the checkout.”

To assist the over fifties the checkouts will only accept cheque or cash transactions for the exact amount, with the maximum denomination accepted being the pound coin. Cheques will only be accepted if they have been folded in four. The aisles will be slightly too narrow for shopping bags with integral trolleys and there will be none of those “Next Customer Please” separators as the target audience prefers to place their arm across the conveyer as a divider.

“Our checkout staff have been specially trained in meaningless small talk and supplied with suitably vague facts” continued Mr Billingsworth explaining the customer experience. “The distraction aspect is one we know is very important to our customers and gives them those joyful harassed moments when they only start packing after three quarters of their shopping has been through the scanner. We are also keen to recreate at every visit that wonderfully dazed denouement that happens when they are asked to pay as though for the first time ever.”

Any customers who have their method of payment ready at the checkout, or a rough estimate of the cash total will be forced to place their money or cheque into a fiddley purse that will be placed at the bottom of a full laundry bag before being returned to them.

“These checkouts will only be available Monday to Friday from 12pm until 2pm. We know this may well disappoint those of our over 60s customers who do like to shop early or when the queues are a bit lighter. But they are few and far between as most of them want to shop during other people’s lunch hour.” said Billingsworth. “We will have a phased roll-out with the new checkouts going initially to those of our stores with no nearby post-office to attract the maximum trade.”

REVIEW : “Handbook for the confused”

A new publication aims at helping those confused by today’s fast paced media driven lifestyle. The "Handbook for the Confused : Voices to be heard other than those in your head" is priced at £14.99 from all good bookshops.

The book is aimed at all of us who struggle to tell the difference between the talented and the trained monkeys that we see on television and in the newspapers each day "to separate out Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee". It contains sections on politicians, sportsmen and women as well as media celebrities. An indicator of our times, it devotes a whole chapter to Reality TV Stars and the porn actors and actress that they would aspire to be.

In the political chapter it explains that, despite the easy confusion over the fleet-of-footedness to avoid all trapdoors across either wing of the political stage, it is Tony, not Lionel, Blair who is the Prime Minister. The book provides a good explanation that whilst he always appears on TV as an authoritative and patriarchal figure, It is John, not Mike, Reid that is the Home Secretary.

It isn’t always successful - the profile of David Cameron does its best to distinguish the Conservative Party leader from a shape-shifting chameleon not of this world, but fails at the final hurdle.

It is a well paced tome, using straight forward language without pandering to the hyperbole of the tabloids nor the snootiness of satirical websites. Indeed within its 500 pages you will find answers and explanations to most of your questions regarding the "Who?" and probably more importantly the "Why?" of British society. Although needless to say it contains no explanation for "Ant & Dec".

Indeed a triumph of the husband and wife authors, Howard and Hilda Bigglesworth is their explanation that the reason that the heavyweight, overbearing, opinionated and bumbling Deputy Prime Minister manages to get himself into such bizarre and embarrassing scrapes is that he is in fact Oliver Hardy.

Tory leader assimilates Union leaders

It was revealed recently that David Cameron recently met with a group of a dozen union leaders from various areas of public services. Whilst some of Mr Camerair’s followers were concerned about forging links with unions in principle, the Conservative Leader said that rather than continuing the traditional Tory attack on public service workers, they would “work together and, indeed, their distinctiveness would be added to that of Conservative policy“.

Tavid Camerair was reversing a trend started by the “queen” of the Tories, Margaret Thatcher, when she began the war with the federation of Unions. Tonid Camerair, speaking on a tour of an NHS hospital said “There is a great sense of Enterprise within the health service. We need to get the details of this Enterprise back to within the sphere of Central Office were we can study the plans and use it to our advantage as we move inexorably towards the centre of human society.”

Tavid Blamir continued “The future of public services is safe in our hands. Labour are not to be trusted on the NHS and it is this progression towards their ground that is the course that we in the Conservative Party must set.” Finally Tonid Blair turned his unblinking and steely gaze towards the local party activists present and gave them the following instruction. “Take this message to all your people, that under the leadership of Tony Blair resistance to the Borgies is futile.”

US invites Iran and Syria to game of “pass the parcel” over Iraq

The United States of America has said that it is prepared to discuss the future of Iraq with Iran and Syria. "More specifically," revealed Karl Billingsworthski, one of US President George Bush’s aides, "to decide who would like a go at this hot potato - I mean it would be nice if we could do the right thing by the country we destabilised but, well it’s a nightmare and we need to pass this onto someone else."

"We are hoping to be able to pull at some fraternal heartstrings. For Iran there is Shia Muslim relationship - especially as the Shia in Iraq are calling for their own federal state anyway." explained Mr Billingsworthski, "For Syria, well their majority Sunni Muslim population would I am sure embrace the Iraqi Sunnis. One thing is for sure we just want out. It is a financial sink-hole. It’s clear enough people are not benefiting in the US from the vast reconstruction contracts as the mid-terms showed."

In private, off the record briefings other political advisors to the Iraqi Study Group are stressing the need to extricate US troops so that they are free to attack Syria, the preferred target in the War On Terror, or Iran if the Iranians look like they are making headway with their Nuclear programme.

"The reality is that this is as much a US strategy advisory group than it is some sort of touchy feely - ‘let’s do the best by the Iraqis’. If we get Syria or Iran involved then they’re military resources will get embroiled in the same nightmare we are now. Ideally we can pass Iraq right on to them, but even if we have to share the job you know it will cripple them more than us! And hey, that means an easier ride to the next stop on the world tour. If you know what I mean. In fact if it all goes really well then the insurgency in Iraq will spill into Syria and Iran and do the job for us!"

Elgin Marbles dispute to be resolved over 5 matches

Today, at a press conference at the Duveen Gallery in the British Museum, Thomas Billingsworth, Curator of Sporting Competitions announced a new tournament to determine the rightful holders of the Elgin or Parthenon Marbles. This will finally solve a dispute that has been raging ever since the Earl of Elgin bought them from the Ottoman Empire that controlled Greece in 1806.

“This has been a political and patriotic controversy for the last two centuries, with passionate argument for and against their siting in London or Athens,” remarked Mr. Billingsworth “In Britain we pride ourselves on fair play and so we are gathered here today at the inauguration of this new biannual competition. The winner of the series will be able to call themselves the Elgin Marbles Champions.”

A press release confirmed that the new tournament will be played over a series of 5 Test matches with the winner of the series being crowned champions. The location of the tournament will alternate between Britain and Greece.

Mr Billingsworth elaborated further “The rules will be those of standard circle marbles. No local rules will be allowed and there will be no “quitsies”. We will follow the proud tradition of the Ashes Test cricket series and there will be no “keepsies” either - regardless of who is crowned Elgin Marbles Champions, the Parthenon Marbles themselves will stay in the British Museum.”

Government Sporting Strategy “no competition”

“We are very proud of the performance of the English Cricket team in their first match of the Ashes tour, very pleased indeed.” remarked Vincent Billingsworth, Under Secretary for Sports planning. “We have deployed a lot of resources into returning the team’s ability back to the normal playing standard and any other result may have been problematic.”

Mr Billingsworth was speaking at a dinner for a large corporate sponsored sports charity. “Over the past decade we have worked hard on mediocrity in competition which is very important for the image of the UK and our sporting industries and media.

“The England national football side has been the foremost bastion of such mediocrity. They have attained a standard of competition, not so terrible that we could never imagine them winning but sufficiently good that we could raise our hopes as each tournament nears, with endless column inches and hours of TV and radio time speculating on their prospects. If they ever attained that winning formula, well speculation would be meaningless.

“Also, we in the government do get fed up improving hospitals and schools and buying the latest equipment for the armed forces – it is always divisive and offers only limited overseas fact finding tours. Promoting sport is almost a blank cheque for us to attend major sporting events.
“Further, sporting partnerships: whether it be sponsoring existing teams, or training academies; perhaps the creation of new playing fields, courts and arenas; give us in the public sector the opportunity to engage with you, in private industry – which is invaluable networking for our future careers outside of government.

“We have had some set-backs, Liverpool FC have had more success than we would like in European football in the last decade. Damon Hill was too successful at Williams, but his move to Arrows solved that. Indeed David Coulthard has achieved in F1 the level of expectation we hope to maintain for all competitions. There was the slight exception with Jenson Button fluking his first Grand Prix win - whilst we can’t allow for the weather and the major drivers having reliability problems, it does at least raise the speculation level on Jenson’s performances.

“Another outstanding success has been our work with the England Rugby Union team after their alarming World Cup victory. To be honest I think we need to review that programme as, frankly it may well have gone too far. The aforementioned opportunities for speculation are limited to the size of the defeat and this is no good for Rugby equipment manufacturers.

“In preparation for the 2012 Olympics we are hopeful of making use of expert consultants when Tim Henman and Colin Montgomerie retire. It is vital, after all, that Britain retains the image of plucky and capable underdog on the sporting field. Perhaps now you understand why we had to part company with Sir Steve Redgrave.”

Prime Minister implicated in “cash for ASBOs” controversy

Investigators today confirmed that they are indeed investigating the role of the Prime Minister in the ongoing “cash for honours” controversy in light of new evidence reported across the media.

“We have known for some time that this might go all the way to the top, but when the report into the effectiveness of inner city community policing came out it provided a rich mine of evidence.” explained Detective Jacob Billingsworth.

Central to the investigation into the dealings of Number 10 is the revelation that ASBOs are seen by many delinquents as a “Badge of honour”.

“It was at this point we searched back through the archives and uncovered the suggestions from the Prime Minister that people who indulge in anti-social behaviour should pay for it, possibly from cash machines.“ revealed Detective Billingsworth “We would like to emphasise that we don’t think any of the high street banks are knowingly involved.”

“We are now investigating whether or not the Prime Minister’s statement regarding marching off to a cash machine to pay on the spot fines was a code to those seeking to buy honours and the recent report may have been a piece of ill-timed advertising for the cash for ASBO service. “

The Prime Minister emphasised today that he would not comment on an ongoing investigation. At a heated press conference he said “Look, I am just not going to answer any questions in the media, it would just not be appropriate.” Reporters pressed Mr Blair further and he became more agitated. “Listen, I have only one thing to add, bog off.”

Number 10 hastily issued a press release stating that “The Prime Minister spoke in the heat of the moment and did not in anyway imply that there was currently a Buy One Get One Free offer.”

Millions fund new corporate bandwagon – Charity record soon?

Today it was announced that forty million people in the UK will help support a small group of disadvantaged investors.

The government backed Family Fund would be giving taxpayer’s money to those members of the Farepak Christmas club who lost out when the company collapsed. Following the announcement several corporate retail giants fell over themselves to be seen to be helping.

Murial Billingsworth, an Under Secretary within the Department of Administrative Affairs, responded to questions from the media. “Essentially we are all too keen to give other people’s money to causes that we won’t believe anyone either cares enough about or would be offended by. Hence our taxes can now go to people who, ultimately, were after some posh Christmas puds. Who can object to such a thing? The media will love it - ‘Spirit of Christmas’ and all that.”

“We love it,” exclaimed Bill Insworth, media consultant, “currently the news is all ‘Iraq this’, ‘US mid terms that’. Now we have this heart-warming story of all of us working really hard all year to give our taxes to those who wanted to save a few quid on a turkey with some expensive stuffing. Wonderful, I reckon we will be able to fill hundreds of column inches and discussion programme hours on this.”

“It’s great for us too!” shouted marketing executive Tilly Swinsorth, 19, “we have a large supermarket client that currently has a bad reputation for the way it does business both here and overseas and for the impact it has on local communities. If they show willing with a few quid they can get a bit of good will back and every little helps.” Tilly, speaking from a champagne bar in Soho added “You know this is the kind of thing that makes Christmas such a special brand-building time of year.”

The plight of those who might not get their expensive Sherry Trifles has touched the hearts of several of the nation’s most famous popstars. Plans for a charity record in aid of those suffering in Darfur have been shelved in favour of a new single entitled ‘Help ourselves to a very merry Christmas’”.

Molly Winsbill, 83, a pensioner in Falkirk said – “I think it is marvellous the way everyone is being forced to pull together to help these people get some toys for the kiddies. I told my MP this morning – I said ‘It’s a ruddy disgrace’ and that’s swearing, I said, ‘that there will be people on Christmas day without a jumbo Christmas cracker to pull.’ He just wanted to talk about Flu jabs and cold weather payments. Nothing about the little kiddies and their games.”

Molly’s daughter Milly was a little less enthusiastic. “I feel for the mums and kids wanting a big slap up feed and a few toys, but they will all be gone and forgotten by New Years Day. I just hope the old people aren’t”.

US Religious right “Throw out the money lenders”

Secret memos from the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA have revealed a resurgent call from the religious-right to adhere more to biblical teaching. The memo from the head of the Glen-Rivers church Pastor Jesse Billingsworth read:-

"When congress passed the laws restricting Internet gambling we all praised the lord, because gambling is, of course, a sin. Now we want to go further, and rid God’s Country of the filth that resides in Wall Street – The New York Stock Exchange, and its demonic cousin the NASDAQ. Satan has convinced the weak that these are something other, but they are just games of chance, buying low and hoping for a turn in the market is no more than hoping on the turn of a card."

The memo went on to criticise what many see as the basis of US prosperity further. "In reality all of the liberal North East is based upon money lending and usury practices in many forms, most disguised by the great Lucifer. This is one area of fundamentalism we could learn from the unsaved within the Islamic community. However on this we need to tread carefully as our political allies find financial matters far less related to spiritual salvation than our traditional battleground of morality."

The memo was reacted to strongly by politicians. "Frankly," commented Cleet Roscoe, a Republican party worker in South Carolina, "I think we need to distance ourselves from any such religious fundamentalism. Apart from the massive impact it would have directly on political fundraising, it would also obviously damage the economy and our own personal prosperity, and none of us want to follow our beliefs to that extent. From a religious point of view, if we follow scripture so closely, how will we be able to distinguish ourselves from Islamic fundamentalists who view this very area as one of the reasons we are the infidel?"

"No,", he added, "we should stick to bashing the gays and any form of sexual impropriety. After all sex can lead to dancing."

Sinister island cult leader reveals more Lost Secrets

Today the leader of a sinister cult revealed more of his mysterious plans for those trapped on a small island - during what might be the final year of the waning saga. The leader is referred to as ‘Tony’ but this is known to be only a useful reference - sources indicate his true name will be revealed within the next year and Internet blog rumour is that it is ‘Gordon’.

‘Tony’ today spoke to some of the inhabitants from his lair in an old station of the mysterious “New Labour Initiative”.

“This is our island,” explained ‘Tony’ “and we will run it as we see fit. We admit that we were unable to control a recent glut of immigration to our island but now that we have the entire place under CCTV surveillance from our other stations we can see every move of those trapped here. We know exactly what you are up to, but we will only reveal our plans slowly and in vague instalments.” ‘Tony’ continued “When we first came to this island, we were set to have an idyllic future even if we were lost, but now it is filled with fear and paranoia.”

The de-facto leader of the opposition, David, was said to be suffering from flashbacks to a time prior to a big crash in his party’s fortunes and the torment over a woman we know only as ‘Maggie’. David was today interviewed in his home made tent on a white sandy beach.

“I have been trying to lead this group of survivors from the crash of May 2005 for a little while now. We have had to change completely compared to how we used to live. I for one have managed to become quite at one with the environment, and at least outwardly less materialistic then before, ” David explained, “but we are constantly under threat from ‘The Others’ led by ‘Tony’ although we know that their leader will soon be revealed to have another name.”

‘The Others’, who are believed to have taken full control of the island in 1997, constantly try to insist that they are the good guys, despite the terror, fear and murder that takes place on the island and seems to always be as a consequence of their actions.

Motoring group : “Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO”

The 4x4 City Motoring Association has launched a new drive to recruit younger members with the slogan "Any 4x4 is a better badge than an ASBO".

Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the association unveiled the new advertising campaign. "It has become apparent that the youth of today see ASBOs as badges of honour which they feel represents a clear statement of anti-social behaviour. We in the 4x4 City Motoring Association feel we can provide an area of development for such young people as we believe nothing says Anti Social like parking a Chelsea Tractor on the kerb of a small road outside a primary school.
"Using a massive 4x4 to get the shopping, or drop a toddler off at the nursery, makes the statement that we do not care about the community whose roads we clutter up nor the natural resources we consume sitting at traffic lights. Young hoodlums, with their tricked-up Vauxhall Novas belting out absurdly loud music are making the same statement.

"We have so much in common. Chavs don’t care about other road users and assume that if they are in an accident that injury ‘Won’t happen to them’ – my members in the 4x4 City Motoring Association know it won’t happen to them, since high bumpers will wipe out normal cars at window height. There is no danger of even the sturdiest side impact protection causing our members’ airbags to even fire off.

"A few of our members already have ridiculous sound systems in their fully loaded Land Rover Discoveries, and will be handing out leaflets to anybody in a hoodie. This will be quite straightforward as these powerful off road vehicles only ever travel between schools and shopping centres anyway."

‘Degs’, 19 from Macclesfield, was one of the first of the new recruits to sign up. "I’ve like taken the ASBO as far as I can, like. Since I’m like banned from more and more areas I have to like travel further an’ I need a big ride to carry ma ho’s in – know what I mean? Like? Makes me look proper gangsta like in the rap videos."

The 4x4 City Motoring Association denied it had any plans to join up with the UK Graffiti Co-operative.

At last something for Teenagers to do

Parents all over Britain have welcomed a new festival aimed at teenagers. Traditionally an untapped demographic they are notoriously difficult to entertain during school holidays. Event organisers hope to be able to tap into this market with "ChavFest ‘06" in time for the next school holidays.

"We have modelled every aspect of ChavFest to be exactly what teenagers are after. Included in the price of the ticket will be transport to the ChavFest site including two train or bus tickets, one for the teenager and one for the seat opposite so that they can put their feet up." explained event co-ordinator "Bigger-T" Linsworth. "There will be specially themed areas at the festival for all the teen’s interests. There will be several war memorials and clock towers for them to congregate around in groups and we will have a few McDonald’s façades too."

Bigger-T went on to elaborate – "We will have a full range of discounted clothes – all sorts of tacky, but expensive, sporting clothing or they can just spend the whole week in their pyjamas, it’s the same style." All shapes and sizes will be catered for, he said, "All the boy’s trousers will be several sizes too large, so that they can have that baggy ‘suicide risk remove belt while in prison’ mugger look they aspire to. For the girls, all the tops will be two sizes too short so they can show their stomach’s off. Especially the fat ones that have no taste or sense."

"Within the park will be characters playing roles such as adults who will be available to purchase alcopops for the kids and will pretend to buy cigarettes. The park will be completely non-smoking but we will have special perfumes available for the girls so that they can have that smell of ten Marlboro lights they so desire."

For music, no live bands will available since the organisers believe that most of the kids would think it was un-cool to be interested in any one band long enough to actually attend a whole set. "Instead there will be areas were they can all play MP3s on their mobile phones" explained Bigger-T – real name Sir Terrence Billingsworth, "Headphones will be banned and the little speakers in the phones will provide suitably bad sound quality that the teens of today seem to like."

The needs of girls especially will be catered for. "Teenage girls today are desperately trying to behave like teenage boys. They dress like them, spit and swear like them, so we will have special female only bus shelters that they can fight and urinate in."

IRA accepts “it cannot compete”

IRA sources today acknowledged that they can no longer compete on the international stage with the better funded players of Association Terror.

A masked spokesman today outlined the IRA’s situation. “Whilst a lot of money has come into terror in the last few years, the funding for our condemnable acts is drying up. Really we have been outflanked by other groups.”

A recent report into the state of murder within the world highlighted that the IRA, once a feared group with not only an international reputation for outrage and atrocity but also an extensive network of fanatical followers in several countries, has now been relegated to minor gangland status.
“We were really outflanked by Al Qaeda, to be sure, their performances have been right at the top level but their chosen targets have made some our of fanatics, especially in America, re-evaluate support for funding brutality. Our traditional base of funding has dried up and, as we haven’t been in Europe for some time, we have lost links with some other groups. We used to have a good transfer relationship with Libya, but that stopped when they reverted to amateur status.”

The report also stated that the IRA, and its junior cells Real IRA and Provisional IRA, would have to qualify for next year’s major international threats on terror – they would not gain the automatic recognition that their craven actions aspire to.

“Ah, I think we overstretched ourselves in the eighties. We had a couple of deplorable crimes against human decency – who can forget the murder we caused in Germany for example? We thought we could keep that up, but our fans don’t turn out for even local gangland murder and torture that we have normally performed – the traditional fans have even condemned us back at home for some recent murders.”
The masked gunman continued “You see, we rely on publicity for our heinous acts otherwise they are futile acts of bloodshed. We need to get on TV to pass responsibility for our own actions onto the victims, otherwise it is just brutal murder of innocent people in the name of some long forgotten feud. To be honest with so much scrutiny in the modern game anyway, it is getting more and more difficult to justify the unjustifiable.”

Analysts say that the status of the IRA is not just about funding. The Irish murderers have now been relegated below even small groups of fundamentalist insurgents in Iraq who achieve much more death, mutilation and suffering on even more limited resources.

When questioned about the activities of such middle eastern groups the hooded religious zealot responded “Well, I guess it is down to commitment, an Irish terrorist will not risk himself, he isn’t that keen on the struggle, but an Islamic fundamentalist, well he really, truly is going to give 100%”.

Midsomer twinned with Cabot Cove

Newsbiscuit’s recently exposed the plight of the County of Midsomer and its falling population (http://newsbiscuit.com/article/midsomer-plea-for-new-residents) . Following our report a new international exchange programme is being established with the town of Cabot Cove in Maine, USA.

Eileen Billingsworth is excited about her forthcoming trip as part of the first tranche of residents to spend a few weeks in each other’s towns.
"Well, the massive public interest that followed the story meant we actually had a few offers for twinning and we will be pursuing all of them as much as we can. We will use Cabot Cove as a pilot and then we are looking to set up links with the Bailiwick of Jersey – our Chief Inspector has links with Jersey police."

However, it is not expected to be all plain sailing out on the nautical East Coast of America. "This isn’t the first link up we tried - that was with St. Mary Mead, however the first town meeting ended after the Vicar was found drowned in the town hall – so there is a lot riding on my trip going safely and me not getting killed to death."

"The return of the exchange will see Mrs Fletcher, from Cabot Cove, staying with me in Midsomer." added the recently widowed Arthur Jenkins, looking slightly nervous, "she is a writer, apparently, so she is sure to have a few tales to tell!"

New England police and the Midsomer constabulary are said to be looking forward to the extra overtime they expect to earn.

Search for Alien TV begins

TV executives from all over the country have heralded the news that scientists may soon be able to pick up Extra Terrestrial TV signals.
"Initially I thought, no we have to get onto digital" explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. "but once my secretary had asked her assistant to sober me up, I realised the boffins were talking about Alien television and, well really that was much more exciting."
Hillary Binsworth the Head of Video Rental Selection at Five was equally enthusiastic. "To be honest, most of the public has yet to realise it, but some of us in the heart of the industry can see a day soon when we have run out of programme ideas. Reality TV is dead and we can’t rehash the format with celebrities too much. There are only so many ways to dress up programmes based around text voting and, well we have done them all. Celebrity NHS Face Transplant Postcode Lottery might be the very last before the quality drops. So if we can pick up Alien TV we might at least be able to copy some of their ideas. Or at the very least buy them on tape and play them, which is really all we do at the moment."
Mr Billingsworth was more enthusiastic "Their porn will be something we can show at any time, after all it will be just like the Discovery channel, although obviously they will look a lot more human - but greener, possibly with an extra eye and, we all hope, an extra breast."
Will Brongstroh, head of Poaching Programmes from Rival Broadcasters at British Sky Broadcasting was equally enthusiastic "We at Sky have always striven to keep up to date with the latest TV technology and, since already have satellites in orbit, we expect to be the first to be able to relay the Alien TV as it happens, or, failing that, we will let a rival build up a customer base before we nip in and pinch the rights."
Mulder Fox-Anderson, of the Truth is Out There Foundation, removed his tin foil helmet and gave a few words to the press from a crop circle in Yatesbury, Buckinghamshire. He commented, somewhat predictably, "We have known for a long time that Aliens exist and that they might one day appear on our TV screens, after all a quality of intellect and professionalism such as Ant & Dec can only have come from Uranus."

Controversy over new Wind Farm plans

“It’s madness.” complained Councillor Helen Billingsworth “It is just completely idiotic and badly thought through.”
Councillor Billingsworth was commenting on a recent planning application for more renewable energy power generation and the plans that have been proposed for two new sites in the Cumbrian Mountains.
“Being born and bred in a rural area, I absolutely support any action that helps the environment. Renewable energy is vital to that. But really? A Wind Farm? Up on the majestic hilltops surrounding Keswick and Derwant water, which some people say is the most mystic and tranquil of the wonderful lakes? Really its madness!” she ranted.
“Obviously it would be an eyesore, but it isn’t even practical. Have you been up there? It is windy enough for God’s sake! What do we need more wind for? The gusts get up to over 100mph and some lunatic wants to put bloody big fans the size of tower blocks up there to blow more wind around. Madness I tell you!” frothed Councillor Billingsworth at the planning meeting in Kendal.
“And where are you going to get the energy from to power them? You are going to need a bloody big power station to power those fans!” she screamed as she was led away.
Representatives of the Keswick Kite Krew were said to be lobbying in favour of any plans for “Big Wind Generators”.

Tories accuse own voters of breaking the law

Conservative spokesmen have expressed concern that the changes to the rights of immigrant workers from new member states of the EU would not effect the general problem of immigration and, therefore, would possibly lead to an increase in illegal working.

John Reid and David Davis squared up to each other during the "Endless Talk" show on the new channel Sky Political News 7. Dr Reid took the opportunity to poor scorn on Tory concerns "It is gratifying that the Tories acknowledge that as the economy is growing we need skilled workers. Since everyone else is going to university to read media studies rather than having any tangible talent it is vital to the British economy and the nation’s finances through taxation that we have an influx of new talent"
David Davis countered that "thousands, if not billions, maybe, of murderers, it says in the Daily Mail, will just come in to the country through our open immigration policy and work illegally. These proposals do nothing to address that."
The Home Secretary responded, "Any illegal workers will be employed by small businesses – your key voters."
"Are you accusing my voters of breaking the law?" was the response from a slightly incredulous Shadow Minister.
"No you are, you are saying they will work illegally – so who is going to employ them?"
"Crumbs, " blushed the inexperienced Tory, "I hadn’t thought of that, it is tricky this government lark – I guess that is why the Tories have been so bad at it. Tell you what, I’ll just get David to ask Boris to shag another social climber, that will get all this off the front pages."

Heavy mobile phone use “reduces sperm count”

Scientists at the Kleenex Institute for Headline Grabbing Research today announced the results of their findings into mobile phone usage and the effects on male fertility.
364 men were left in isolation and allowed to use their mobile phones as normal before having their sperm count and quality tested at the end of the day. The results showed a direct link between the amount and type of mobile usage and the quality of their sperm.

Those who used their phones the least had the most active sperm with the highest counts. Indeed they were also abreast of current affairs and able to hold engaging conversations with female lab assistants.

Those who used “video text dating services” were found to have moderate sperm counts with only a small number of inactive or badly swimming sperm. They were also reasonably amiable and not at all flushed in the face or tired and their mobile phone bills were deemed to be “manageable”.

Those who used their phones heavily, over 4 hours of the day, in addition to the text services had very low sperm counts when tested, had no idea what was going on in the world and were a bit groggy. In addition the psychometric analysis revealed a progressive feeling of guilt and self loathing.

The final group had been given hands free kits. These men had to be woken at the end of their isolation and were found to have the lowest sperm counts of all - described in the report as “almost empty“. They were barely coherent and had no idea even what the time of day was. As a consequence they were unable to take the psychometric tests at all and they had no desire to talk to female lab assistants. In addition their mobile phone batteries were “exhausted” and their phone bills “astronomical”.

“What this shows, ” explained Dr Heidi Billingsworth, “is a direct correlation between men’s usage of mobile phone services and their fertility. I think this research correlates with many women’s experience of returning home to men who have retired to bed with the flu and only their mobile phone for stimulation.”

Hungarian government’s uprising re-enactment “not accurate enough”

Earlier today Hungarian and foreign officials as well as veterans of the October Uprising commemorated the 50th anniversary of the country’s failed revolution against oppression by laying flowers at various services across Budapest.

The current Hungarian government then proceeded to re-enact the events of 50 years ago by firmly suppressing modern day dissent and protests using tear gas and water cannons.
"It was a great success," commented Prime Minister Gyurcsany, "we were able to really bring home the trauma and terror of half a century ago, especially at the railway station. Hopefully tonight I shall be able to get some tanks onto the streets and perhaps some live firing into crowds. I don’t know if I can guarantee a fully fledged massacre but hopefully a few petrol bombs can really light up such a special day."

The Hungarian Government has been roundly criticised for the nature of these events as 50 years ago Budapest was adorned with Soviet style posters and statues which have long since been removed. "It just isn’t authentic," complained student Jozsef Danks, "Half a century ago my grandfather was in this very spot and through the smoke and the agonising streams of tears he was able to see a genuine outpost of Stalinist oppression. All I see is a modern city and the government has not even provided any papier-mache statues of Uncle Joe for me to decapitate."

Fellow protestor Emese Mohar confirmed the disappointment. "So far we have only had to dodge rubber bullets, but I have heard the PM is going to pull out all the stops if we gather tonight and so much as mention freedom or democracy. You know we really might be in fear of our lives."

World's first invisibility cloak created

Scientists today announced the creation of the world’s first invisibility cloak. Professor J Scott Billingsworth unveiled the invention to a packed news conference.

"It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation."

Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers.

STOP PRESS
One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as the device became visible again. When challenged about this Professor Billingsworth confessed that the box was empty during the press demonstration as the actual device had fallen off a table in the laboratory and rolled across a floor. "No one has been able to find it, yet, but it really does exist."

Man with flu thought he was stuck in time warp

A man today told reporters how having taken a couple of days off, because of the flu, he became stuck in a timewarp.

"It was like the movie Groundhog Day where the lead character – played by the arrogant Ghostbuster – had to relive the same day’s events over and over again." said a clearly relieved Bert Billingsworth upon returning to conventional time.

Bert told a press conference at Humberside Police headquarters how he had retired to his bed, in Beverley Road in Hull, with some Lemsip and nodded off whilst watching Home Improvement on the Freeview Digital channel ABC1.

"I remember it quite clearly, because it was the episode where Tim ‘the toolman’ Taylor was infatuated by an attractive TV reporter and I could relate to how his wife Jill felt as she also had the flu too. But, when I awoke, I found that despite having had a really good long restful sleep the same episode was just starting on the TV."

Humberside Police said that there were no reported atmospheric conditions, such as lightning or spectacular rips in the space-time continuum at that time of the morning.

Bert continued to relive his ordeal. "A bit later I had flipped over to UK TV History and there was a programme on about the Coast by that bloke who wanders around in the same clothes all the time getting lost because of old inaccurate maps. He was going on about flooding and I remember finishing a nice warm toddy as he banged on about the Thames Flood Barrier and how a load of cockneys were doomed to get wet carpets or something and I must have nodded off. A few hours later I woke up to find that the programme was only just starting again!"

Bert was confused but not overly concerned, he said, until he turned on More 4. "I had suspicions now, but wasn’t sure that I was in fact stuck in the time warp until I decided to have a look at a movie. To my horror the one on More 4 was a bad thriller about a flimsy secure facility for biological warfare. Problem was I took the piss out of it the day before! I really was just reliving the same day over and over again. Needless to say my third whisky, for medicinal purposes, calmed me down. But when I awoke I knew it should be Tuesday and yet Noel Edmonds told me it was Monday in that game with the one winning box and that drawn out process of picking all the other numbers."
His flu symptoms had now lessened and this enabled Bert to escape the confines of his bed and raise the alarm.

"I was proceeding in a westerly direction away from the coffee shop and continuing my patrol towards the chip shop when I was accosted by Mr Billingsworth," explained PC Billingsworth (no relation) of the Humberside Police. "As he collided with my scalding hot coffee it jolted him across from his temporal paradox across the parallax and back into our phase time."
Bert is now trying to piece together what happened in his missing days. "The police can’t really help me, after all there has been no crime really committed."

A spokesman for UK TV History said "Well, actually it’s pretty simple, we only have about 8 episodes for 3 different series. We just keep recycling them as fillers for ads for debt consolidation and personal injury firms, and whatever else we can flog to house bound unemployed people. But even then we don’t expect them to watch all day. I guess we would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for a normal gainfully employed person taking to their bed." A spokeperson for ABC1 denied they had any plans to show Scooby-Doo repeats endlessly.

Woman admits she did not save any money in the sales

Amy Billingsworth today admitted that she may never have actually saved any money in a clothing sale. "For years I have done as much shopping as possible in the sales and you know if it was a 50% saving I assumed I was saving 50%, - but recently my five year old son came shopping with me and he is good with numbers".

Toby Billingsworth had been helping his mum work out how much money she was saving in the sales on a recent trip to the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. When after 6 hours Toby struggled and blurted out "it's less than zero" Amy realised something may be wrong.

"I have been over it with my girlfriends and none of us really understand the maths of it. When I go shopping in the sales I look for stuff – you know half off. Now clearly what this means is that I can buy something twice as good for only the same money and I am saving half the cost. See, say I would normally spend £80 on a pair of shoes, in a 50% off sale I can buy £200 pair for £100, thus saving £100. But Toby explained that I was not saving anything because by his calculations I was spending more. I really don’t understand how that can be."

We asked Gill Binsworth of the Women’s Academy of Logic to analyse Toby’s research. "Well, the little chap is a dab hand with a crayon, and to be honest the maths is a bit complicated, but clearly if it is a 50% off shoe sale then Amy is saving 50% regardless of what she buys. Toby’s using numbers to prove facts, but that isn’t how it works with Shoe Theory. Now if you excuse me, Bluewater closes in two hours."

Amy’s husband Dave remarked "I have given up to be honest. Obviously to save money you have to spend less on something you would have bought at full price. Spending the same amount or even spending more on something normally more expensive isn’t a saving. As Toby has proved, even a five year old can work this out, but it is clearly beyond a woman in a shoe sale."

Sliced bread likely to be relegated to “handy”

In a press announcement today, the Institute of Arbitrary Comparisons declared it will soon be commencing its end of year assessment of the Standard International Comparative Table.

Sources within the Institute have hinted that the table will have a radical expansion from its current arrangement of sliced bread at the top and everything else ever invented in joint second place. A senior official, who did not want to be named – but was probably called Billingsworth – revealed that the more conservative members of the seventy-eight year old institute are likely to fight strongly as since its inception the comparative standard has always been "best thing since sliced bread".

"The thing is," Professor Maureen Billingsworth confided, "it has always been a pretty easy arrangement. Since 1928 the Institute has been based on the Rohwedder Rating. This re-appraisal will mean extra work and, well no one likes that as much as they liked having to use a bread knife back in those dark ages of the early 20s."

Comparison watchers have long been expecting this development and believe it is well overdue. "This is the best news since the announcement of a bread cutting machine that also wrapped the loaf," said Bill Worthings of the Society for Comparative Studies, "for too long now we have had this frankly decadent standard. I mean exactly how useful really is sliced bread in the great scheme of things? Now we have the opportunity to get a proper scale in place rather than manufacturing tortured references to being second place to baked dough divided uniformly across the longitudinal axis."

Bort Wingshill, Director of the Campaign for the Primacy of the Wheel, was said to be overjoyed at the announcement on his Meso-American awareness tour – "A wheely good thing".

Senior military figure claims British Empire must leave Mesopotamia

A senior British military leader, Colonel Arnold Talbot Wilson who took control of the military situation in Iraq in 1920, has spoken out against the insurgent situation in the newly liberated middle eastern state and declared that the role of the British Military must change. He went on to further assert his belief that the situation in Iraq complicates British interests elsewhere.
Speaking today, from his office in 1920, Colonel Wilson said “The situation such as the Mosul uprising has been caused directly by the mandate issued by the ‘League of Nations of the willing’. I believe that when this rebellion has finally been put down - 86 years ago - that British troops would then be able to withdraw from the area and perhaps be home in time for ‘The White Horse FA cup final’ – assuming the Empire Stadium at Wembley’s roof is finished in time.”
Colonel Wilson said that whilst there were many people that felt the initial occupation may have been about securing access to the vast oil fields of Mesopotamia it had caused a disproportionate effect on Empire subjects home and abroad or the other interests of the Empire around the world. “Indeed,” he said, “soon our political leaders will attempt to solve the problem of the growing unrest in Palestine and this will be more difficult to achieve with an occupation force in other Arab lands.”
Colonel Wilson was then questioned regarding the viewpoint of the 1920s that the Empire’s culture was superior and that it had a moral right to intervene in the running of other, less developed nations, to both guide them into civilisation and to the way of Jesus Christ. Colonel Wilson replied that ‘This is very much a Victorian viewpoint that held sway at the dawn of the 20th Century as you or I knew it. 86 years later the world has moved on and this idea of such superiority is not one that the people of Great Britain subscribe unquestioningly to anymore. Fortunately for religious fundamentalism of all flavours, the emerging power of the United States of America is about a century behind with its values and attitudes and so can assume a blinkered cultural and religious superiority for the 21st century.”

Henry Billingsworth a journalist for 21st Century affairs reporting for the Manchester Guardian wrote. “It was initially confusing as the Colonel alternated between the past, present and future tenses whilst discussing his views for events of the day, whether it was 1920 or 2006. However it soon became clear that whether he was referring to events of mine and his time of the 1920s, or those of your time, dear reader, It amounted to talk of far off future troop withdrawals. A timescale of 86 years for completion works in either context – especially regarding the construction of the roof at Wembley!”

Sting hits out at Trekkies use of shorthand

Occasional rain forest chat show pseudo-expert and part time pop singer Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner, real name Sting, has hit out at followers of the Star Trek family of television shows. He reserved his most severe venom for those in the Internet community that follow and discuss the first of the canon spin off series, Star Trek : The Next Generation. Sting acknowledged that Star Trek Animated Adventures was not considered part of the official story line.

“The problem is that I spend a lot of time ego surfing - you know looking for references to yourself on the Internet. I search for reports on my efforts to save the Planet Earth but quite often am frustrated to find the report is about STTNG, a shorthand for Star Trek: The Next Generation, rather than myself STING. Many other people out there in internetland must be similarly confused as it is me that is saving the galaxy, the earth or humanity, not a group of highly trained vocationalists from the future.” complained the one time Geordie.

Sting confessed that he had only recently got over the disappointment of not having won any major wrestling honours. “Don’t talk to me about Steve Borden. When I realised I wasn’t him I had to have a lie down with a good counsellor.”

Sting refused to take questions regarding a rip in the space time continuum that had formed near his home, nor that the reason for several Police songs focussing on the human condition was that the drummer was in fact an android that wanted to experience emotions. The press conference ended abruptly when Sting and his publicist left abruptly in a sparkling blue glow.

NEWS UPDATE
Following Sting’s denouncement reality show pop wannabe STAA claimed that it was facile to assume that Star Trek Animated Adventures were not part of the canon. “In many ways that art form is liberating for a science fiction television show cancelled because of its large budget. Let us not forget those cartoons brought space exploration to American TV screens at a time when all the public had was the Apollo moon landings and the Skylab missions.”

Government plans Bus Replacement Train service

A leaked government research paper has revealed radical plans by the Department of Transportation to shake up local transport within the UK. The white paper detailed the provision of an extensive array of Bus Replacement Rail services throughout the country.

The report stated that “Her Majesty’s government has noted the increase in road traffic, especially the increase in bus services on routes between local areas of habitation. Some of these bus routes run similar paths to the extensive interconnecting narrow strips of land that are marked with parallel metal lines.

“The historic usage of these metal ‘rails’ has been hotly debated. What is known about them is that they were built by the Victorian industrialists but the purpose has been lost. Her Majesty’s Government proposes to make use of this mysterious infrastructure to provide direct services at high speed using electric powered carriages.”

The plans could see trains of carriages travelling at speeds over 100mph between local and inter city destinations.

Motoring organisations have expressed dismay at the proposed plan. Angie Billingsworth, spokeswoman for the Society of the Bus and the Motorcar, was incredulous. “The plan to use 150 year old technology and some sort of Electromography system of propulsion is ridiculous. It will never surpass our current 100 year old technology powered by dead dinosaurs. People do not want to sit in clean and spacious mass transit vehicles travelling to transport hubs, they want to sit cooped up in smaller vehicles heading directly to smaller locations. And anyway, the Bus and motor car transport in London, for example, currently travels in compact nose to tail formation at the maximum speed possible of 10mph, any faster and people would start to suffocate.”

Basketball reduced to one quarter to save time

The National Basketball Association today announced the results of its investigation into the fan’s rebellion after the NBA finals in June. During the summer thousands of basketball fans suddenly realised that most of the game was entirely pointless and that it was only the final quarter that really mattered to the result.

All over America there were complaints to teams, and sports radio phone ins were deluged by callers who suddenly realised what a great waste of time most of the game was. Indeed one of the biggest websites of this year has been 36outof53.com – a reference to the proportion of gameplay to elapsed time that occurs before the all important fourth quarter starts.

Kurt Billingsworth, Chief Commissionner and President of Shareholder Relations, today announced to a packed media conference – “Well, the game is up and we have been well and truly found out on this one. For decades we have managed to build this business and its franchises up on the illusion of speed, excitement and drama, but really it is a charade and it was inevitable we would get found out. To that end we have changed the rules of our version of Netball to be more transparent and honest, which I think is the corner stone of our world in these troubled times.”
“Once the game starts,” Billingsworth continued, “ the players will remain on the bench for the first 3 quarters whilst the cheerleaders have the court. During the half time interval the players will perform some of their fancy basketball trickery in the manner of the Harlem Globetrotters until the girls come out for the third quarter. At the start of the fourth quarter the scoreboard will be set to 80 points each. Really it could be any number, but we know that the American public believes high scoring is more exciting and therefore our shareholders would not support an initial score of zero as it might lead to a dull 20:22 final score rather than the truly spectacular 100:102 we have become accustomed to.”

Zach Willingborthski proprietor of the 36outof53.com website, recent dot com millionaire and darling of sports radio phone ins over the summer, commented enthusiastically about the shake up. “U S A, U S A, U S A” he said for some time.