Saturday, June 19, 2010

Wayne Rooney upset fans realise he’s not good enough to play for Portsmouth or West Brom

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa.

“We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.”

Wayne Rooney was speaking after being booed off the field having failed in 3 hours of football to worry defenders from a country with no grass that has only recently stopped murdering each other over sand dunes and another that thinks you play football with your hands.

“It’s alright for the fans sitting in the stands enjoying the game. It only costs them a few grand and they can always go back to their uplifting jobs on building sites or working 9 to 5 in an office with no windows,” said Rooney. “That bloke who plays for Portsmouth outclassed me and booing just points it out to my sponsors.”

The England camp today pleaded for calm and for fans to support struggling players, such as Rooney, or the amazing disappearing Lampard, and to really get behind the team ahead of Wednesday’s must win game against the mighty Slovenia.

“It is vitally important that the fans buy as much Carlsberg beer and Mars bars as possible, because nothing motivates the boys than to know that FIFA World Cup 2010 is at the top of the XBox charts,” said an FA spokesman. “And remember everyone on the team coach is motivated marvellously when you all pay over £40 for a polyester shirt made in a Far Eastern sweat-shop.”

Reflecting on his performance Wayne Rooney promised that he had really taken on board the message that the fans had sent out by managing to boo louder than the vuvuzelas and it would lead to a definite change in his playing style.

“If I am rubbish again I’ll drop into midfield to learn from that boy who plays for West Brom and actually managed to score against Algeria, despite them having a Portsmouth defender!” said Rooney. “Normally I will only drop into midfield if we are doing badly to fully read the game as it gives me the best possible position from which to call the referee a ‘twat’.”

Friday, June 18, 2010

Hope In Search For British Boy Lost In South Africa

The team searching for Frank Lampard said that they were optimistic that some sightings in the Cape Town area may lead to re-uniting the lost Briton with his English team-mates.

“Ve have haad a few sightings on a golf course in Sun City area of a boy that loooks like Frank, but he once again disappeared,” said Wikus van der Billingswerth of the South African Police Service. “Neither did he respond to his nickname, Fat Frank.”

Frank travelled to South Africa from England with 23 other boys to play in a football tournament, however nothing had been seen of him since a photo opportunity with township children. He was expected to turn up with the rest of his team to play an over 21s team from the USA, however he completely disappeared after the 1930 kick-off in Rustenberg.

“Ve received news that little Frank had disappeared at 2045 hours on the evening of 11th June,” said Sergeant van der Billingswerth. “A few minutes later a boy answering to Frank’s appearance did apparently turn up on the football pitch, however he only blasted the ball over the bar twice before disappearing again.”

The authorities are keen to track that sky-rocket shooting boy from Saturday’s match as they believe he may hold information vital to their enquiries.

“He may know Frank Lampard's location, as they both clearly know where the Rustenberg pie shop is,” said van der Billingswerth. “If the boy had indeed missed the goal completely on five consecutive occasions then we would know for certain that we had located Frank.”

South African Police are now focussing their investigations on Cape Town where the missing boy’s team is playing tonight. Despite some curious betting patterns from an online punter known as FatBoyF - who has bet on at least five fans behind the Algerian goal having drinks knocked form their hands by wayward shots - the authorities said that they are considering the investigation into Lampard’s disappearance on Saturday to be a missing persons inquiry rather than anything more sinister.

“Ve have no suspicions of any foul play, but we are keeping a watch on Wayne Rooney in case he stamps on any children’s faces in the tunnel tonight,” said van der Billingswerth. “However we are launching an investigation to determine if Rob Green has been illegally smuggling clown shoes into South Africa.”