Sunday, June 22, 2008

Rare sighting of “Office Ninja”

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence.

“It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him several years ago, when a few of the girls claimed to have felt a breeze in the air as he went past but we weren't even sure if he still worked here. Of course it might just as easily have been a reflection or a trick of the light, since we can't quite remember what he looks like."

Whilst the mature Office Ninja is rarely seen, sometimes the juveniles are more easily spotted as they have yet to fully master the mystic ways of the Office Ninja and only inexpertly pass off their seemingly few tasks to harassed and overworked underlings.

Heard in the early afternoon, the Office Ninja's distinctive cry of “Just off to the other building for a meeting, I'll go straight home from there.” might be the only indication that one is nearby. Little is really known of their behaviour, although recent evidence has it that they are dependant upon Blackberries – which they use to leave short messages about repeated family disasters that mean the Ninja will, once again, not be seen in the office.

For many people the only time they may see such a rare specimen is when one of the older Office Ninjas is eventually made redundant, although this normally happens many years after they have actually stopped working.

“They are a peculiar breed in that whilst other more familiar beasts of the British office environment are emigrating to places such as India and the Philippines, the Office Ninja is becoming increasingly common,” said Professor Keith Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Behavioural Research, above the Metro Bar. “The worrying thing is that if you don't deal with them straight away they can become pests. What with their highly evolved ability to do fuck all.”

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”

We've been here before