Sunday, March 27, 2011

MOD Admits That The Army Has Been Stolen

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen.

“In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park."

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

Friday, March 25, 2011

Anti-HS2 Campaigners Can't Get To Anywhere To Protest

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases.

“We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.”

The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically.

“This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-called trains make noise, whatever that is, and we simply can't have any ducks in the area inconvenienced by periodically not being able to hear a frog.”

The obstacle to increased protests is that there is no mechanism by which the campaigners can go anywhere where there heartfelt pleas on behalf of the wolves and bears that where displaced by the clear-cutting of the forests in the middle ages can be heard.

“Well, I worked out where London is, but just as I was about to buy a train ticket one of our members pointed out that the Great Western train line had in fact been built through countryside 150 years ago,” said Billingsworth. “It was a great shock to us all I can tell you.”

The group's revised plans, to take a rail replacement coach trip to Parliament Square, were then thrown into disarray by another member who had recently borrowed a book on transport from their local library, which has since closed.

“Well, Brian said that the motorway was only built in the 1960s and that previously it had all been countryside,” said Billingsworth. “It turns out it is countryside under all the roads, and people's houses were demolished to build some of the bridges. It is very alarming.”

The campaigners have finally solved the transport problem, although they do admit that the revised travel plans will make their journey times somewhat longer as they plan to walk to Birmingham airport and then fly to London.

“We remembered what a good job it was that Mother Nature made all those natural tarmac runways for us to land planes on when we visit charming, unspoilt villages in Tuscany! Mind you a two-day trek across the hills to Birmingham will be a bit of a palaver,” said Billingsworth. “If only there was some other way to get from Birmingham to London quickly.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Yeah, It Is An Apple, Yeah It Is Cool, The F***ing Piece Of F***ing S***

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer.

“Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.”

Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us.

“It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have the default behaviour of a function key to be something laptop specific piece of shit' MacBook, and tell everyone just how 'everything's so intuitive you only need one mouse button',” explained Billingsworth. “But secretly you'd think 'eventually, once you'd figured out that fn+backspace was delete. For fucks sake.”

While most still agree that the MacBook is by far the neatest piece of laptop hardware with its marvellous looking aluminium case. Its famed battery life is best in class by virtue only of being on tightly controlled hardware of a mid-range spec, despite the price premium.

“Everyone's got one now so everyone knows that the glowing logo on the lid means I paid twice as much as the corresponding Windows laptop for the same spec and that I’m likely to have to bin it if the battery fails to hold charge because I can't replace the fucking thing,” explained Billingsworth. “Oh and you don't have a Home or an End key. It's like an Apple designer has never actually used a laptop for any actual fucking work. Fucking piece of fucking shit.”

Technology pundits say that the so-called 'MacLash' is starting to become apparent because normal computer users have been lured from other Apple products.

“Many people just experiment a little, say an iPad at a party, or maybe they occasionally have an iPod purely for recreational use,” said technology writer Mr Bloggy. “Then they start to get onto the harder stuff, maybe meet up with a hardcore MacBook dealer and then it's a spiral and before they know it they are slumped in despair at home in front of a couple of grands worth of iMac. Apple really screws you up.”

“And if you add a special key – like the command key – why fucking have that as the fucking key you have to press to use standard fucking functions? Why not use one of those fucking control keys they introduced on word-processors about 40 years ago?” shouted Billingsworth in the British Library Cafe. ““And another thing. Finder? What the fucking, fucketty-fuck is that? All you want to do is move a file, but no, no cut option. It's like the 80s never happened.”

“'Everything just works' my arse! Saving a document makes you assume the fuckers at Apple think all you want to do is spray 'New Folders' around like a drunk stationer in a force nine gale,” continued Billingsworth screaming next to the King's Library before adding ”Ooh, is that one of the new Thunderbolt MacBooks? Nice!”

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Monday, March 14, 2011

Defiant LibDem Leader : "All My People Love Me"

Embattled 'Colonel' Nick Clegg today rounded on his critics claiming that he was much loved and that it was outside agencies that were spreading rumours of protests. He also refuted ideas that he was no more than the honorary leader of the LibDem people and urged his coalition to “capture the rats” threatening Downing Street.

"No-one is against us. Against us for what? Because I'm not a leader. They love me. All my people are with me, they love me all, no one is protesting against me, the thousands outside this hall in Sheffield all love me.” explained the self-styled Deputy Prime Minister.

‘Colonel’ Clegg, whose regime of terror began when he held 60 million people hostage for 6 days in the summer of 2010, denied that he was ever the leader of the LibDem people, especially after 3pm. In his rambling, incoherent address he was at great lengths to support those seeking greater representation.

"We need to continue the glorious May revolution where revolutionaries vanquished western so-called traditions - such as further education and comprehensive healthcare for all,” said ‘Colonel’ Clegg. “The LibDem people know what it is to live under the oppression of an unpopular and unwanted government. Which is why we have given so much support to the Conservatives.”

During his hour long, rambling, televised speech, ‘Colonel’ Clegg said that up and down the land, in pubs and clubs, at the school gates or in Facebook chats, the only thing that mattered to people was the move to the Alternative Voting system.

“My presence is to instigate and incite the people for any change that David Cameron wants,” said Nick ‘Deputy Prime Minister’ Clegg. “The people of LibDem having power is the true Alternative to Voting.”

We've been here before