Monday, September 29, 2008

Fat people’s inability to read labels may have medical not educational cause

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat.

"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."

The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.

"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"

The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.

"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."

Sunday, September 28, 2008

“In Sebastian I see the new me” claims Heikki Kovalainen

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix.

“Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.”

The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

“I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s name on,” said a freelance journalist. “By the way, does anyone know how to spell Vettel’s first name, is it an 'e' or an 'a' ?”

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

“That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race,” said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. “The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race.”

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly such as if Timo Glock or Adrian Sutil have a good race.

“The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any such stories about the future of Jenson Button,” he remarked.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Jenson Button expresses concern at Honda's night racing technology

As this weekend's historic Singapore Grand Prix rapidly approaches concerns are being expressed by the sport's leading drivers, and Jenson Button, regarding the effectiveness of some of their teams’ preparations for the event.

"This will be the first ever time Grand Prix cars have run at night," said Jenson. "The last few seasons have been difficult enough and, with this latest new part for Singapore I am not completely convinced that Honda racing are making a real effort to give me a chance to win."

Nick Billingsworth, Team Executive at Honda Racing, denied any lack of effort. Instead he stressed the Japanese automotive giant was investing just the right amount to help Jenson maximise his chances driving at 200mph on a street-circuit in the dark.

"Our technicians have been burning the candle at both ends, which in fact was one of the prototypes for the helmet mounted light we have developed for Jenson," said Mr Billingsworth. "We are applying the right level of intellectual talent to deliver to him technology that befits his racing ability."

However concerns over the effectiveness of such a weak beam from the 19th century miner’s lamp in illuminating the hundreds of yards of racetrack that a Formula 1 car can cover in a few seconds were, he said, unfounded.

"Let's be honest here, Jenson is only going to follow other cars red rear lights around all bloody night," said Billingsworth. "I could stick a bloody search light on the front of his car, but the only thing it would achieve is to dazzle all the other drivers in their rear view mirrors."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Russia declares cold war with USSA over

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system.

"It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world."

President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system.

"This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cancel their caviar orders. I am commanding each and every hard working American to rise up and underwrite every single dubious and morally hazardous decision that they have made," said the President sporting a new red-star lapel pin-badge.

The President announced further plans to aid struggling companies in other industries such as motor manufacturing.

"Today, I asked Congress to approve, on pain of death, a glorious five-year plan to bail out the executives of General Motors and Ford," he said. "Congress will ensure that at the plan’s completion every home will be the proud owner of a marvellous red tractor."

Reporters asked if the US consumer really wanted a tractor and whether or not this was an environmentally sound solution to the collapse of the US economy.

"Every citizen of the USSA will want to do their bit, or do they want to go to the Guantanamo gulag?" said Mr Bush. "Without a tractor how else will all comrades across the USSA plough their new collective farms?"

When asked what this might mean for other expensive projects, such as Space Exploration, President Bush ended his address from the ‘Washingtongrad Inner City Farm' – formerly the ‘White House Lawn’ – on an upbeat note.

"One way or another, I intend to ensure that man dominates a new Red Planet."


Sunday, September 07, 2008

FIA announce further penalties following Belgian Grand Prix

The uproar surrounding the FIA’s decision to punish Lewis Hamilton following the controversial end to this year’s Belgian Grand Prix has been further compounded after having published details of the ruling.

"You have to remember this is a very complicated, technical sport," said Max Billingsworth of the FIA. "The average laymen may find the underlying principles that we are trying to uphold difficult to follow. The main one being to make sure that red cars get all the trophies."

The FIA said that it was also investigating reports that a visiting car club had their regular Sunday afternoon parade ruined by the thoughtlessness of other people on the roads of Spa.

"The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast.

The FIA said that a silver car was seen by hundreds of millions of people speeding in the Wallonia area of Belgium and that in addition, despite the presence of rain that the driver was clearly not driving to the road conditions.

"The speed limit on the roads through the Ardennes is 60Km/h, however a silver car driven by a black youth was repeatedly clocked at over 300km/h, " said Mr Billingsworth. "We also have reason to believe that his car was not fitted with windscreen wipers in the obviously inclement conditions, nor was it fitted with a badge in the shape of a prancing horse which could lead to automatic disqualification."

The main miscreants are believed to be a notorious gang of racers who had travelled from from Woking in England. One Ferrari club member, who did not wish to be named but said he had travelled from Finland for the parade, told of his trauma at the hands of the gang.

"It was very embarrassing. Someone should do something," he said reaching for his second bottle of Vodka. "I was so startled to be mugged at the bus stop that I simply drove into a wall. Again."

Monday, September 01, 2008

George Bush to miss Republican Convention in attempt to hold back Hurricane Gustav

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans.

"My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq."

White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country.

"I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fearing Christians," said the President as he was shown a map of the USA. "Hey we’re going near Georgia, we should say ‘Hey’ to that nice Mr Putin who has just put his army there."

When asked if he felt there was any reason why the people of New Orleans should suffer losing their homes and livelihoods twice in three years, President Bush said that the solution lay at the State and not Federal level.

"The place is full of French Catholics and Voodoo," he said. "Even the ones I save are probably going to hell."

Mrs Bush said that it wasn’t just her husband’s duty as President to save American citizens but it was a historical role she felt he had to fulfil.

She said: "I now understand why all those people lining the streets in London where chanting ‘For King Cnut! For King Cnut!’ as we passed."