Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lucas Secures Star Wars Legacy For Future Generations Of Duvet Covers And Lunchboxes

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation.

“I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen. 

Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe.

“We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation of Chewbacca in the character of Baloo the Bear.”

Existing Star Wars actors where said to have mixed reactions to the news.

“Opportunity for film work again, it is. Good that is.  Although dead I am care about Star Wars integrity I do,” said former Jedi and now telecommunications salesman Yoda, 800. “Although not so dead phone sales targets hit I cannot.  Judge iPhone 5 by its size do you, hmm?”

Disney hopes the £2.5Bn deal will enable the production of more movies on an almost annual basis.

“We certainly see the potential to explore the early life of some of the characters further, such as Luke Skywalker’s school years, and the significant formative events of his life,” said Billingsworth. “We are looking forward to realising on screen the musical number during which Luke uses the force to help Aunt Beru tidy up.”

There was a further surprise announcement at the end of the ceremonial signing of the contract when George Lucas announced that there would be a Special Edition DVD of the press conference in which it is clear that Disney signed first.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Daily Mail Wants To Know Why Newsnight Didn’t Use TARDIS To Stop Paedo Savile

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death.

It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:-
  • Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital
  • Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs
  • Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood

Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:-
  • a serial paedophile
  • a powerful media mogul able to squash any sort of accusation decades after he left television and radio. And indeed after he had died
  • a close cohort of IRA terrorists which stopped us telling everyone he was a paedophile - although now we think of it the IRA link is probably a story we should have followed up
  • making his necklaces and rings made of the finest Nazi gold
  • unable to account for his whereabouts on 23/11/1963 when telltale smoke from a long instrument, fancifully thought of as a rifle by many but now probably his cigar, was spotted on the Grassy Knoll in Dealey Plaza
  • supplier EPO to Lance Armstrong. Why not?
  • forcing the Greek government borrow huge sums of money. We are all getting screwed there
The real travesty, however, is that for forty years the BBC had a well known medical expert, Dr Who, on the payroll and even after Savile was dead failed to use the TARDIS to go back in time and prevent the perverted DJs reign of terror.

“The BBC and George Entwistle are clearly negligent in not using the TARDIS to answer my very important questions about who authorised what forty years ago,” said Peter Billingsworth, MP (Con) (Twat).

Oh and some bashing about license fees and lefty bias.

We've been here before