Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.

"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."

The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.

"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."

The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.

"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."

The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.

"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."

Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole.

“It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.”

The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to whether or not Ashley could keep going for the full 90 minutes and his commitment at both ends. Whilst he is renowned for his prowess at the back, there is likely to be some speculation as to the elevation he gets on his balls. Reports are likely to climax with his technique up front and his determination to keep probing, prodding and pressing to gain penetration of the box.

Mr Cole, who plays for a small team in the London area of Fulham, was said to be “normally completely confused by a mirror” and, having wasted over £16,000, his faith in loose, cheap women was shattered.

“Ashley is terrified as to how his wife is going to take these revelations, what with her violent past and being so deeply in love with their media image,” said a close pal. “But she is going to be most furious that the story has been broken by a tabloid rather than them selling an exclusive to a glossy magazine.”

Friends such as 'Hello' magazine and close family such as 'OK!' have inundated Mr Cole and his wife with messages of support and offers to help them help deal with such a trauma in their private lives via the seclusion of their centre pages.

“Ashley's mood has been lightened by all the support he has been getting,” said the pal. “He even had a smile on his face when he told us his phone had not stopped vibrating all day.”

Friday, January 25, 2008

Peter Hain resigns to “spend more time with huge crates of cash”

Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police.

"It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash."

Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of donations.

"How can I hide anything? We are talking about thousands of notes!" said Mr Hain speaking animatedly among a hail of bank notes that fluttered out of his suit.

The Westminster political village was alive with rumour and innuendo regarding the shadowy Progressive Policies Forum - one of the key contributors which appears to have only been set-up within weeks of Mr Hain announcing his bid for the Labour Deputy leadership. Sources indicate it may be based in Nigeria and that Mr Hain was just an innocent victim.

"There you are under pressure to raise funds for your bid to become deputy leader of the Labour Party and you get an e-mail from a doctor in Nigeria with an offer that could solve everything. It’s only natural that you forget to tell people about the details of enough money to buy a Maserati," said political blogger Guido Billingsworth. "It could happen to anyone."

Mr Hain would not comment as to the detailed nature of the Progressive Policies Forum saying only that he did not understand why such a body that has produced no policies and has no employees would appear dubious.

"It hasn't produced any policies because it has not had time, what with arranging the fleet of wheelbarrows necessary to get all those bank notes to me," he said. "Look, can someone carry out a few handfuls of tenners with them? They are really cluttering up the place now."

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Miners steward police demonstration

22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers.

"Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as far as 1984."

One such steward, Arthur 50 from Orgreave in Yorkshire, said that he was happy to get some extra money and in many ways supported his former foes in their quest for a backdated pay increase.

"It’s a nice change to be here, getting some money out of a demonstration, rather than a truncheon around my head and a kick up the arse from one of the police horses," he said. "It’s also nice to see a few of the old faces from the past. I spotted one bobby who I hit with a brick near on 25 year ago!"

Superintendent Geoffrey Billingsworth, a veteran police officer with over 30 years experience with the force said that he was marching today to ensure that the young constables just starting out on their careers get all the chances he had.

"The young copper today, he doesn’t get the vast wedges of overtime that I enjoyed when I was a wooden top," said Billingsworth. "There aren’t the mass running battles across Yorkshire hillsides like we had in the 80s, or even fervent mobs of young student Trotskyites in Trafalgar Square in the 90s. Without the fun of clubbing a few hippies you only have a good basic pay to keep you a straight member of Her Majesty’s Filth."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Latte-Nav systems provide emergency Starbucks locations

A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots.

"Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC.

The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the driver has not stopped for the suggested 15 minutes and had a caramel-Macchiato with cream every three hours of driving. It will also sound an alarm if the amount of fuel remaining is insufficient to get the driver to the nearest Starbucks, warning if the only coffee available is from a petrol station vending machine.

"We think this service will help cut down on road rage incidents," said Mr Billingsworth. "Studies show that most random direction changing is caused by female shoppers running low on caffeine. Mind you they do that out of their cars too."

The new systems have only recently become possible because of the availability of ultra-high resolution GPS data from upgraded direction finding software.

"Traditional GPS systems are accurate to about ten metres," said Billingsworth. "This may be good enough to land a plane, or aim an intercontinental ballistic missile, but it would never be good enough to distinguish between each Starbucks in an average town."

Rival systems are soon to be made available. A consortium led by Café Nero and Coffee Republic are believed to be investing heavily in Europe's replacement global positioning system, Galileo, while last week saw the latest Chinese rocket launch carrying the first of the Costa Coffee satellites into orbit.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Globe of the USA launched

They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America.

"Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls to the World Incorporated'.

The new globe is available in a range of sizes, shows the American world-view, and has been endorsed by religious groups across fourteen southern states of the USA.

"The people of this country, this great country, God's country, as foretold by scripture, have long been done a terrible disservice by the so-called map-makers. They have filled our schools with books full of lies and myths of strange and evil places, filled with godless people and their heathen ways." said Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee. "Now God-fearing moms and pops and educators, from sea to shining sea, can drive out the evil myth of Canada forever."

The new globes have spawned some muted criticism from geographers in the United States, who point out the preposterousness of the idea that nothing exists outside of the US.

"Whilst the globes beautifully illustrate the total isolation of the USA and the loneliness of the islands of Hawaii and Alaska, it is quite ridiculous to be telling children in school that Mexico is a myth created by the devil," said James Kablowski, a curator of cartography at the Smithsonian. "Where do they think their Santa has been outsourced too?"

The most vocal opposition to the new globe has come from European scientists, however they have been struggling to make their case heard on the leading opinion forming news outlets in the US.

"This is an important subject so we devoted a whole two minute segment to this on The Factor," shouted Fox News alleged-journalist Bill O'Reilly. "We interviewed a guy claiming to be from somewhere called France but you could tell from his accent he was just some sort of devil worshipping communist. Who killed Lady Di."

The globe has already been used in schools in Tennessee, but religious campaigners are pushing for it to be used nation-wide by 2009. They are also hoping to have stickers added to traditional globes and atlases informing students of the new globe and their theory of ‘Intelligent Geography’.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Pensioner admits “To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.”

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3.

"Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings."

After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2.

"That was rubbish as well, it didn't have any story. Sure there was something about deception involving Prince Charming and a magic potion, but I slept through the start and it didn't make any sense when I woke up near the end. Just a lot of strange animated characters prancing about." said Mr Billingsworth. "Rubbish. Not like Fantasia. You can fall asleep at the start and pick up the plot straight away when you wake up. It’s about mopping the floor. Or something."

It was tricky to choose a movie for all the family to watch, since Alistair refuses anything that he "didn't know" as it would invariably be "rubbish". This proved an insurmountable challenge since he stopped going to the cinema in 1973.

"I must admit I snapped when I woke up and found someone had changed the channel during some programme on Cliff Richards," admitted Alistair. "Of course, if I am honest his voice is rubbish, but at least you can understand the words. Not like the modern music," he said. "It's all thump-thump-thump. How can you fall asleep to that?"

Mr Billingsworth said that this Christmas had been particularly trying and his patience had finally, after many years, worn thin.

"I am fed up having arguments with people as to why a current singer or comedian, and it doesn’t matter who it is, is rubbish," said Mr Billingsworth. "Why won’t people understand that everything made after 1976 is shite?"

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Re-launch of classic toy with “Rehab Sindy”

Today sees the relaunch of Sindy, the classic girl's doll from the 60s, after a £25m overhaul to bring her up to date with today's children.

“Sindy hasn’t had a major revamp since the 80s and we thought now was a time to contemporise her with today's more affluent, more trendy girl,” said Anita Billingsworth from the family toy company Billingtons Games. “We have given her body a make-over to bring out her bones a bit more and we have made her head disproportionately large for her body – for that true eating-disorder look so craved by celebrities.”

The deluxe 'Rehab Sindy' play-set will feature a doll's house design licensed from 'The Priory' as well as a model of a Range Rover and a small digital camera with built in flash. Sindy herself will have removable hair attached by Velcro for that 'psycho-Spears look' as well a craft knife for DIY tattooing and, echoing a trend in other toys, new 'Rehab Sindy' will be anatomically correct.

“Sindy's range of new accessories will include very short skirts, but of course no underwear,” said Billingsworth. “The doll contains a light sensor that makes her smile if the camera flashes up her skirt.”

The company said that Sindy's lifestyle needed to reflect that of her owner's role models to better resonate with their dreams and aspirations.

“Sindy will come in a wide range of stylings each with lots of accessories,” said Ms Billingsworth. “We are planning 'Banged by a Footballer' Sindy who only smiles if she is on the credit card, or cock, of our new 'Wayne' footballer doll.”

Referring to a recent court action from the Disney Corporation regarding copyright infringement, Anita Billingsworth said “I don't think there is anyway in which our footballer design infringes on Disney's Shrek doll.”

Monday, January 14, 2008

Report casts electric bulbs in bad light

A report from a candle manufacturers' association says that their research has shown that energy efficient light bulbs may cause areas of darkness to become illuminated and warn against their use by anyone who prefers low-light levels, such as moles, earthworms and ugly people.

"Unlike your traditional candle these lights make night time seem like day, and inside seem like being outdoors in the sun," said Carlos Valor dos Faturamentos of the Brazilian Wax Association. "Whereas a candle is much more atmospheric in that it just makes things seem gloomy and cast large foreboding shadows on the walls."

The report also counters the claim that energy efficient light bulbs may induce more migraines in extremely susceptible people than incandescent light bulbs.

"Anyone who has tried to read by candlelight will tell you that it only takes a few minutes and you have a stinking headache," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The traditional wax candle is by far the most efficient light source at producing a throbbing sensation behind the eyes and causing blurred or impaired vision. The forger played by Donald Pleasance in the Great Escape would have been such a minor part without our products."

Valor dos Faturamentos denied that the century long move in favour of electric light was a threat to the candle industry and was the real motivation behind the report saying instead that it highlighted the rival’s shortcomings.

"Some people maintain that these new low energy bulbs flicker at the edge of your vision," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The candle, however, flickers strongly right in your face, especially if you breathe near it. Let us not forget the service the candle does for town planning in the 21st century since without it many old and magnificent buildings, several hundreds of years old, may still be with us today."

The wax industry denied that the future was bleak for the candle and maintained that its core customer would always reach for the more natural product on a long, dark, winter’s night.

"We predict steady sales of shaped candles, such as the hugely successful ‘Westlife’ candle," he said. "Teenage girls will always find comfort spending the evening with a candle."

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Soap fans leave hospital following the renewal of actors’ contracts

Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ‘The Bill’ was to continue for several more years.

"When I heard that one of the main character’s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won’t be anything uplifting being made to replace it."

Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation’s hospitals were today releasing patients who had found the news that the terminally lingering soap opera was to continue too much to take.

"We have had several people come in with slashed wrists, one man in particular took the news very badly," said a spokesman for St George’s Hospital in London. "He said he was unable to deal with this and the fact that Helen Worth who plays Gail Platt (née Potter; previously Tilsley) was to continue in Mancunian laugh-a-month hormonal sulkfest Coronation Street.

Many television journalists said that soap fans gorging themselves on a diet of Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale, The Bill and Neighbours needed some relief from evenings full of depressing shouting, bad acting and glaring through spectacles.

"I think many hope for something entertaining and enjoyable on television, beyond watching the seemingly endless dregs of society and their continual stream of people writhing and screaming in agony and ecstasy, fuelled by alcohol and drugs," said one TV critic. "However it seems that Strictly Come Dancing will continue for at least another year."

In other soap news it has been revealed that Granada has had to hastily re-write several scenes following the tragic loss of one of Coronation Street's favourite and most animated characters, the glasses worn by Deirdre Barlow (née Hunt, formerly Langton, Barlow and Rachid).

"It has been difficult for all of us to lose something that gave so much life to our show, but we are rallying around and hope to find a replacement in the next few weeks." said Gerald Billingsworth for Granada Television. "The real tragedy is that Anne Kirkbride still turns up for work every fucking morning."

Monday, January 07, 2008

Pakistan President unhappy with investigation into assassination

President Pervez Musharraf has expressed his dissatisfaction with the investigation into the death of John F. Kennedy and the resulting controversy with the official reports.

“It is clear that there is new evidence, and therefore we should never give a statement that is 100%”, said President Musharraf. “Whilst it is clear that the victim died following a bang to the head we need to fully determine whether this blow came from a lone gunman or a suicide bombing accomplice on the Grassy Knoll.”

He was responding to newly discovered video evidence that clearly showed a gunman firing at the victim's car as it passed by crowds lining the streets.

The Pakistani President said that he welcomed the team of detectives sent from London by Prime Minister Gordon Brown who the President felt would provide external expertise lacking within the Pakistani security community.

“We needed more experience, maybe more forensic and technical experience that our people don't have,” said President Musharraf. “Most of the education in my country takes place in madrasas, but there the students only learn twisted interpretations of religion, their real-world science knowledge is literally medieval. So even a British child and a second-hand chemistry set off eBay would be a great help.”

The Pakistani government has vowed that the experience gained in the investigation into the death of President Kennedy will be used in all similar inquiries into high profile cases.

“We hope to learn a lot of lessons from the killing of Kennedy,” said Musharraf. “All of this learning will be applied to the death of Benazir Bhutto. Many people around the world are also dissatisfied with the official findings of the Pakastani Wahabbi Commission's investigation and its 'magic bomber' theory.”

The Pakistani President also announced parallel investigations to determine if the Pope is Catholic and whether or not bears shit in the woods.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Britons feel the heat down under

As thousands of Britons feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south.

"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.

The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.

"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.

The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.

"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.

Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.

Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.

"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."

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