Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Scottish Customer’s £400bn overdraft shock

A soon-to-be-unemployed man from Westminster was said to be laughing hysterically when his bank statement showed him to be over £400bn overdrawn.

"I tell you I am loving this," said Alistair Darling a Don’t-Care worker who hails from Edinburgh. "I have never seen numbers of this size before, have you? It is great – just look at all those digits!"

Mr Darling said that the amount was not in fact an administrative error by his bank and, despite its alarming size, the overdraft "looked about right".

"Well, I don’t keep to close a watch on such things. Who does? It is the Christmas season after all," he said in between giggling fits. "However I do remember some really fantastic transfers of truly spectacular amounts from schools or hospitals or something to some nice gentlemen who drink in the Carlton Club."

Experts from Ocean Finance have contacted Mr Darling to see if he has considered consolidating all of his debts into a single – "frankly humungous" – payment. However Mr Darling felt that did not fit in with his lifestyle.

"Frankly I am not planning on paying it back, the taxpayer has just watched me piss that up the wall! I got a good slap-up meal and a round of ‘He’s a jolly good fellow’ out of it, and that is good enough for all of us," he said. "If the taxpayer is worried about the future and the prospect of job losses, he can rest easy since I am bound to get a big fat directorship of a large bank when I am, inevitably, kicked out of office."

A spokesman for the banking industry tried to distance himself from the Chancellor’s comments insisting that his bank would not be offering anything to former UK government ministers.

"If Mr Darling thinks that his profligacy and vast ‘corporate welfare’ handouts will ensure that he is looked on favourably in our boardroom, he has another think coming," explained John Varley in an interview with the BBC. "Mainly because we at Barclays Bank have been nationalised by a load of Arabs."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Children excel at the new 'Vivo' lessons in bribery and corruption

Children are preparing for another term milking an incentive scheme at the Westminster Academy whereby they can earn 'Vivo' rewards that pupils can exchange for iPods, TVs and Alcoholics Anonymous sessions.

“It isn't fair to say that we are simply paying the children to learn,” said Rod Billingsworth, Academy principal. “We are equipping them with the real life bribery skills they will need to get ahead in political and corporate life.

Westminster Academy says the scheme has already shown a marked change in the social interactions that the children have with each other and members of the educational staff.

“Previously they would gang up on the smaller kids and rob them of their lunch money,” said one teacher. “Now they all take part in the litter patrol together until they earn enough points for the kitchen knife set, which they use to mug teachers.”

The spring term timetable includes several amendments to the curriculum such as Monday afternoon's double 'Argos Catalogue' lesson and after-school sessions studying 'The Gadget Show'. Extra homework Vivo points can be earned for neatly completed Argos ordering slips

“It is about preparing children to become valuable members of British society,” said Billingsworth. “The kids can earn as many as 60 Vivo points for extra-curricular activities, such as an early-morning outward bound course to queue outside shops during the sales."

The scheme has taken off across the country. At St Hilda's School for Girls in Luton punctual attendance at French lessons will reward the students with enough Vivo points for electronic pregnancy testers.

Advocates of the scheme say that already they are seeing improvements in attendance during lessons that previously had high truancy rates.

“Our careers advisers are now fielding thousands of e-mail requests for information on the Nigerian civil service,” said Billingsworth. “Of course we are concerned that some children might be learning the wrong lessons from these incentive schemes, as quite a few want to become bankers.”

Already an internal market has opened up in Luton for trading Vivo points, with the economics staff at one sixth-form college have been impressed by the entrepreneurial spirit being shown.

“Several of the pupils have provided loans to each other to buy fashion accessories,” explained one teacher at St Hilda's. “However the arse has fallen out of the Vivo reward point market so the girls have had to go back on the game.”

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Licence Payer slams BBC for the amount of filth in the Christmas schedules

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule.

“I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.”

Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates.

“There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the attention-seeking granddaughter of which fading celebrity and if a sofa was involved.”

He said that he was going to complain again to OfCom about the corporation's output

“I complained recently, but clearly nobody listens,” he said. “There was nothing in the Radio Times to tell me there would be a discussion on how much Manual's granddaughter likes to be taken from behind – I had to read all about it afterwards in the Daily Mail, like nearly everyone else who complained.”

Mr Billingsworth has not given up hope for some festive entertainment and is pinning his hopes on the flag-ship programme of Christmas day.

“The Queen looks after her subjects,” he said. “Hopefully she might have some snippets from her voicemail of an X-Factor contestant who has done Princess Eugenie up against a bus shelter.”

The BBC has defended its output saying that it was fulfilling its duty as a public service broadcaster to provide programmes for all areas of society.

“We refute these complaints most strongly,” said a BBC statement. “Ross and Brand may have been a one-off special, but there are plenty of regular discussion programmes where famous people describe how they have fucked the youth of this country, such as Question Time or Newsnight.”

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

As the Spanish await the receipts of El Gordo – the world's biggest payout – Gordon Brown heads to Madrid

Millions of people in Spain where today awaiting the huge payout from El Gordo, despite denials from Downing Street that the Prime Minister is even in the Iberian peninsula.

"Spain is another country to add to the list of those that I have personally saved," said El Gordo Brown from a phonebox near Niagara Falls in Canada. "As soon as I save a small boy from falling to his doom – which is bound to happen soon – I will fly right across to Madrid and see if those bankers at Santander want anything else from the British taxpayer – such as even more savings accounts. Or Wales."

The British Prime Minister said that there was no misunderstanding with Downing Street over his intentions and that the cabinet was completely behind his every move.

"Some have tried to say that El Gordo is a lottery," said the 'Brown Midas’ as he wishes to be known. "But who would have bet on me saving the world already? Well apart from the British taxpayer who I forced to punt billions of pounds."

Brown Midas said that he wanted to introduce a programme of economic reforms that would ensure prosperity for many years to come.

"The future of the British cape industry is safe on the shoulders of this government. The cabinet - or Mystery Team as it is now known – has placed orders for dozens, and the motor industry is safe thanks to the bulk order of super-vehicles we will be placing," he said outside the entrance of 'The Brown Hole' as number 10 is now known.

The leader of the opposition said that clearly the Prime Minister was losing touch with reality if he believed he was a caped crusader who could fly to the rescue in the nick of time.

"Clearly it is time that this government saw the Tory party for the Kryptonite that it is," said David Cameron. "As I said last night on patrol with my sidekick the Bojo-Wonder in his new Routemastermobile, it will be I, 'The TopHatter' that will save Britain!"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Breakthrough device to help disinterested parents launched

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor.

"I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting.

The device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices.

"We use only the finest grade metals, just like the railings outside our Tony's offender's centre before they disappeared," said Billingsworth. "The poles are guaranteed to last at least 15 years, which is longer than most of our customers' kids."

The devices come in several sizes ranging down to the Baby P-ole for those little bastards that constantly want a biscuit during 'Jeremy Kyle'.

"Following extensive market research into our customer base, we recommend the full size model which has enough capacity to chain up all of your bairns at once," said Ms Billingsworth. "For the more affluent bad parent we also have the collapsible ‘Algarve’ model, which is a travel pole for holidaymakers who absolutely don't want to be disturbed whilst eating tapas."

For the discerning parent who wants to know if the 'Climbié Pole' is not just another fad that will divert hard pressed benefit money from cans of Stella Artois, the company emphasises that the device has been certified by Haringey Social Services.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bush visit to Baghdad Woolworths sparks shoe frenzy

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury.

“I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging. “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.”

Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves.

“The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped to creationify,” said Comrade Bush trying to find a matching set of car seat covers from the damaged goods bin.

“They therefore started throwing me their shoes to take home to those barefoot workers waiting in the soup lines in New York.”

Many social commentators have explained that the receipt of a shoe on the nose is one of the greatest insults that can be delivered by a Muslim but Mr Bush was quick to play down the political aspect of the incident.

“I disagree that it was some sort of high Islamic insult,” he said trying to find a matching set of luggage with all of its wheels intact. “After all those shoes contained no explosives.”

The Whitehouse today said that Mr Bush was very happy with the outcome of his trip to Baghdad and that there was no misunderstanding between the USSA and Iraqi governments over exactly what he was to find in Iraq.

Comrade Bush searched for all of the WMDs (Woolies Mega Deals) in the country, and whilst he was unable to find what he first claimed he was looking for, he did come home with a brand new gas pipeline.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Government plan “Scare the shit out of children” revealed

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes.

"The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit."

The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work.

"We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister.

Supermarkets have given a mixed reaction to the new plans saying that limp-wristed staff who refuse to process a "heavy" bottle of pop already man their tobacco kiosks.

"We take our health and safety responsibilities very seriously," said a spokesman for Sainsbury’s. "We wouldn’t want anyone straining a wrist when they are purchasing cancer causing death-sticks from us."

The 'Paedo's and Fags' plan was formulated following an extensive consultation process by surfing the Daily Star’s message boards, however it is not the only step being taken.

"We are serious about children’s well-being. We know that even the sight of a box with ‘death’ written on it in large unfriendly letters is enough to turn them all into 40 a day addicts," said Billingsworth. "Therefore the only logical next step to protect their futures is to poke the eyes out of anyone under 16 seen looking at a cigarette. We are doing this for their own good."

Monday, December 08, 2008

US welcomes Barack Obama’s Britishness

The citizens of the once proud nation of the United States of America today welcomed news that president-elect Barack Obama may be of British descent extending the hope ignited in November that their country could be on the road to recovery.

"I cried when I heard the news, " said Joe Billingsworthski, a plumber from Ohio. "The idea that we could have a British president fills me with hope, after all the last American one really screwed up the country."

Many political observers are hopeful that the USA could gain some of the ideals of British fairplay and freedom that they have lost under the current American president, regain some of the prosperity of earlier generations and finally get an understanding of cricket, decent beer and democracy.

"We need to bring in international talent to turn this place around," said Joe. "Americans have screwed up the world’s economy and given the financial system a seeing-to that it might never recover from. From January, with a Brit at the helm, there is a chance we can put the Bush oppression behind us and become a free country."

Leo Donofrio, who brought the case celebrating Obama’s Britishness said that he would continue to get even greater recognition for Mr Obama’s ancestry and any other President of the United States formerly thought of as being American.

"It is amazing, all of the early founders of this great nation, they had parents who were British citizens, regardless of birth. Just like Barack Obama. We can’t risk the US returning to a time when it was the championing force of human freedoms!" said Mr Donofrio as men in white coats led him to a waiting van. "I may have started with Obama, but I have raked through Chester A. Arthur’s past, and I won’t stop until I investigate everyone who claims to be American. I may even be the only genuine American, do you hear! The country will be mine, all mine!"

Barack Obama who has previously tried to stay away from discussions of his ancestry today made a brief statement during tea at a cricket match in Philadelphia.

"I say, if we keep a stiff upper lip, and pump huge amount of taxpayers money into General Motors we can make it into the success that British Leyland was, what?" he said before going out to bat for the Queen’s Eleven.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to be overjoyed at the announcement that British citizenship is no bar to becoming President of the USA and has booked a plane ticket for 2012.