Saturday, March 31, 2007

Government plans replacement Emergency services

As summer approaches and the nation’s hopes are filled with an expectation of another hot, glorious summer, the Government is enacting a series of measures to fulfil gaps in the emergency services.

“If we get a really long summer, like the last couple of years, then we can expect an increase in strike action,” said John Billingsworth, Assistant Under Secretary for Contingency Planning within the Home Office. “We are, obviously, especially worried about the Fire Service.”

It is expected that thousands of public sector workers will find reason to strike, or perhaps fall ill, during the good summer months which risks leaving the country dangerously exposed.

“Above all else we want to re-assure the public that we can get everything in hand, as we are sure that will be a relief to all.” commented the Assistant Under Secretary. “For that reason we are turning to the expertise of the stripping community.”

Traditionally the army has stepped in to fill the roles of any striking or overstretched service but, as they themselves are already fully committed overseas, the plan is to use exotic dancers already versed in the roles of Firemen, Nurses and Police Officers.

“Firemen spend most of their time sitting around watching porn or perhaps playing snooker. Therefore we can easily replace them with strippers who already have the uniforms, and look better in them,“ explained Mr. Billingsworth. “Whilst nurses fulfil an important role of care, we feel the substitutes in shorter, low cut, dresses will provide an adequate short term relief.”

Initial research suggests that this summer could see the Police having a more feminine face given the disparity in number between male and female stripping police officer acts.

“This, I am sure, will have many benefits and may lead to an actual reduction in crime. Although if there is a large breakdown in public order we are not sure of the effectiveness of whipped cream in crowd control.”

Friday, March 30, 2007

Much loved comic diagnosed with personality disorder

Friends and relatives were today rallying round comedy star Ricky Gervais after he announced that he was suffering from “Single Personality Disorder”.

“He has suffered, quietly, for years,” said a pal. “He has managed to cover it up by clever renaming of his David Brent character and sometimes by wearing a different jacket.”

Gervais said he had made the announcement to try and help others with the same affliction. SPD is a condition said to inflict most of society, however it is a dangerous condition for a comedic genius such as Gervais.

“Not everyone has been as lucky as me. With the help of a few close friends, and a fawning media. I managed to conceal the awful truth for over 5 years,” the comic said today.

Friends reveal that the strain was starting to tell on Ricky and advised him to make a public statement so that he could then seek help with his condition.

“Ricky is Ricky, a wonderful chap, but exactly what you see on TV is Ricky. There is no hidden dimension to his talent.” said a source close to the award winning star. “He took his past, you know struggling comic, failed pop career with “Seona Dancing” and with some help, distorted it into David Brent.”

Whilst Gervais was overjoyed at the success of The Office the pressure to produce something new would have been too much for even the best comedians, but for Ricky, suffering from SPD it was a nightmare.

“It was a real struggle for him. He renamed David Brent, to Andy Millman, and wrote some stuff about his time as a jobbing actor trying to get his sitcom produced for Extras. He was saved by his new celebrity friends rallying around and hid the truth under the glare of all that celebrity.”

The success of Extras enabled Gervais to move David Brent forward as finally having that sitcom produced and thus into a second series. However the critical panning of the movie “Night at the Museum” in which David Brent is placed as the director of the museum forced Ricky to face up to the truth. “He realised he just couldn’t stretch a pompous, self centred egotist any further and had to do something.”

Friends, family and showbiz colleagues alike are hopeful that Ricky’s therapy will be successful, otherwise the forthcoming 'Extras Special' will have to be based around A-list Hollywood celebrities performing the David Brent dance.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Millwall announce new US investors and another new badge

Millwall Football Club today announced a financial restructuring package and the Shareholders’ approval of the bid from a new group of American investors. The new bid was recommended by the club’s board as being the deal to take the club into the future and back up to the Championship.

"The new investment, from Hanna-Barbera, one of the leading family entertainment groups in the USA, shows not only the bright future that this club has, but also its international reputation. It further strengthens the important role we feel we can play in the local community," said Grant Billingsworth, Financial Director.

Millwall plan to leverage Hanna Barbera’s expertise to soften the image of the club and broaden its appeal from the die-hard fan of the Upper East stand, to a central part of family and community life. The first step will be a new badge, for the 2007/8 season. This marks the second revamp from the original rampaging lion and will feature the famous cartoon character Snagglepuss.

"We hope this will appeal to children and families alike. We are also conscious of the opportunities of the ‘Pink Pound’ and hope to broaden the club’s appeal within the Gay and Lesbian community."

Spy reveals MI6 economy drive

Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns.

“Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.”

‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom.

“Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get the first off-peak Stansted Express, “said an exasperated agent. “Then I found out that my tickets were booked on Ryan Air. I carry a lot of … er … specialised equipment, so this took some sorting out.”

Whilst his suspect had flown into Frankfurt’s main airport, ‘Deux Blow Sven‘, on Ryan Air landed in Frankfurt Hahn airport.

“Yes, that was a problem, my tracking devices that I had planted in his suitcase, only have a range of 50 km, nowhere close enough to a city for a Ryan Air flight,” explained the agent. “Of course having to take the bus into Frankfurt to my Travelodge added another couple of hours.”

‘Deux Blow Sven’ had given up all hope of tracking down the Super-villain until a chance meeting at a cybercafé in the city centre put him back on the trail.

“Yes, we had a laugh about it. Before I killed him!” smiled the British Spy. “It turned out SMERSH has implemented a sophisticated, but bureaucratic, carbon offsetting system and my target was having a nightmare calculating the emissions from his stolen Arianne space rockets.”

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee

A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.

“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.

“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.

“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.

“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.

Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.

The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Animals at risk of unemployment

Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals.

"These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."

The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.

Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper competition in the form of Chinese Fighting Dogs.

"The spread of IKEA and the preference for wicker or MDF furniture has thrown millions of Carpenter Ants onto the scrapheap," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Although there does seem to be a growth of opportunities in the middle east for Soldier Ants."

The JFTB said that field researchers had discovered evidence that some animals had been forced to take degrading jobs to survive, although they have not been able to confirm rumours that some Sperm Whales have been working in the porn industry.

The campaign groups want extensive funding to set-up animal security network, providing retraining and support for the members of the animal kingdom that have become disenfranchised. However they are conscious they need to proceed with caution due to the usage of camouflage - the Pilot Fish Support Group collapsed when it was discovered none of them could actually fly a plane.

"It isn’t all bad news," said Mrs Billingsworth. "If we can secure the right level of government funding for these animals we are sure there will be a bright future for Sponges."

Friday, March 23, 2007

UK has World’s first celebrity based economy

Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture.

“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”

Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.

“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper industry,” said the chancellor.

“Thanks to the vapid spread of British culture, the world is obsessed with our ability to produce a stream of women who look thin in a hat and whose aim is to get onto the credit card and cock of a Premiership footballer.”

Mr Brown said that the UK although pre-eminent, was facing stiff competition and would have to work hard to be as productive as the USA in terms of ‘rehab dependency’. “The United States has always had a culture of seeking therapy but thankfully the youth of today have Robbie Williams as an excellent role model, easily outclassing the limited offerings from Britney Spears.”

Critics argue that the UK is in fact suffering a reduction, rather than an increase, in celebrity after the export of the Beckhams to Los Angeles and the outsourcing of the winner of Celebrity Big Brother to India.

When asked by reporters at today’s news conference in 11 Downing Street what impact the recent scandal of TV telephone voting would have on the celebrity economy, the chancellor replied “Oh, does anyone remember how to make a car?”

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Radio wakens man from coma

Friends and family were once again overjoyed as Chris Billingsworth again regained consciousness from his coma. Chris, now 32, has been in a Persistent Vegetative State following an accident as a child.

Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off.

“Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!”

Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state.

“When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him awake.“ said Juliet. “Then we realised that whilst he is a grown man now, he hasn’t learned anything new since he was in short trousers.”

Juliet’s daughter Christine, now 13 herself, has become the link between her uncle and the rest of the family by supplying them with information that only a pubescent child would find interesting.
“Well thanks to his niece, we can keep him engaged by talking about fairly schoolyard type things. Mostly inane conversation, childish innuendo, silly games that sort of thing.” said Juliet.

Juliet said that initially the family found it trying, to balance their own lives and careers with the need to be at his bedside, to provide him with company, conversation and entertainment.

“He can be quite demanding, even more so when he is awake as he really wants to be the centre of a circle of puerile attention . But we managed to kill two birds with one stone once we got him the job presenting the radio breakfast show .”

Monday, March 19, 2007

Lewis Hamilton “I could have won”

New British Formula One sensation Lewis Hamilton, today explained how he could have won his debut Grand Prix at the weekend rather than simply finish in an amazing third place.

Lewis, 22, started Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix from a spectacular fourth place before overtaking his twice World Champion teammate in an opportunistic move at the first corner to move up to second.

The British press have excitedly reported on Hamilton’s achievement in producing one of the finest first race performances in the history of Grand Prix racing which included leading the race for four laps.

Sensationally, Hamilton the first black Formula 1 driver, has now revealed how he should have won his first race.

“I think I had the pace to win,” said the McLaren Mercedes driver, “However every time I came into the pits the scrutineers pulled me over to check the car out costing me time. Each time they pulled me over they asked me ’That’s a nice car son, is it yours?”.

Landmark personal injury settlement launches new service

Personal Injury Direct today revealed details of what they are hailing as a landmark settlement for those who suffer accidents at work.

Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded.

The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life.

"Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst I cannot remember any of the events that take place when I have one of these episodes, it costs me a fortune to replace my ruined clothing."

Cory Billingsworthski, of Personal Injury Direct, said that Dr Banner had also earned compensation for the effect that the incident had on his client’s reputation. "Dr Banner has been accused of murder and arson and hunted like a wild animal. The press and paparazzi have hounded him for years. This settlement sends a message that such negligence with atomic radiation will not be tolerated."

The press conference was interrupted when lawyers for the US government served papers on Dr Banner following a tip off from an investigative journalist. The latest writ alleges that Dr Banner is responsible for £2.8bn worth of damage to private and public property as well as a further £757m damage to military equipment.

Undaunted Personal Injury Direct have subsequently announced a new specialist service for anyone that may have been exposed to cosmic rays or bitten by radioactive spiders.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Shoppers’ T-shirt sensation

A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’.

“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”

“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.”

Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assistants are relieved to be able to target their pimping at those more susceptible.

In an ironic twist, Ms Billingsworth was today celebrating a distribution deal with the Tesco supermarket chain. “This is an official deal, “ she explained. “Some of the other big UK retailers have been shipping shirts directly from our suppliers in the Far East. Of course we don’t approve of the grey imports, but all business is good business”.

A spokesman for Sainsbury’s refuted the grey import accusation. “We have them in a range of colours,” he said. “What is more we are also offering triple nectar points on all sizes of the ‘I don’t have a loyalty card’ line.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Apology Climate Crisis

Officials in Whitehall are concerned over the rate of use of apology resources and may in future come to rely on renewable "expressions of regret". The news comes from leaked documents within the civil service saying that soon Britain will have to apologise for events that took place within living memory.

"It is quite a crisis," explained Sir Humphrey Billingsworth a retired official from the Foreign Office. "For decades Britain has led the world in apologising for the actions of our forefathers. However these are not inexhaustible resources and the last 50 years has shown a dramatic increase the use of non-renewable apologies, and with the end of empire, we simply aren’t finding new sources of future international incidents to be sorry for."

The plans being drawn up involve an increase in expressions of regret, which can later be re-cycled into full apologies.

"We need to think of future generations and their needs." said Sir Humphrey. "They deserve the right to have to apologise for events hundreds of years before they were born. If we don’t act now, our descendants will feel no shame at flying their own flag, nor will they be at all guilty about their nation’s history."

However campaigners are outraged at the leaked proposals and are planning a series of protest marches in the capital.

"We should be apologising now for not only everything that this country has ever done, but for everything it is going to do," said a statement on ‘'. "We need to make sure that we are sorry for the past, but also sorry for the future. It is a message worth repeating and for that we will not apologise. Sorry."

A government spokesperson would not comment on the leaked documents, but said that it was preposterous to believe that it was not planning for the needs of future generations.

"In the last ten years we have been involved in two new wars, and at home thousands of people’s pensions are ruined," she said. "There will be plenty to be sorry for in years to come."

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Frustration lands internet user in prison

The trial of Martin Edward Cummins, 45 of today concluded at Norwich Crown Court. Mr Cummins was accused of lewd acts likely to corrupt a minor and was arrested after a police sting operation involving a dozen web sites and forensic investigation of his computer.

"This is a complete miscarriage of justice, " he said in a statement through his solicitor. "I have at no time attempted to corrupt anyone, it was a misunderstanding over usernames and the frustration of creating new ones when registering for web sites."

Mr Cummins defence was that every userid he tried on popular sites was taken. "The normal ones, such as first names, and fun ones like ‘BigMartin’ are always taken." he explained through his solicitor. "However I realised that if I used slightly more risqué words and phrases then those tended to be available. Naturally I tried to tailor my choice so that it matched the website I was registering with."

In court the prosecution stated that Mr Cummins had registered dozens of such aliases including ‘*********sucker’ for a teen book website, ‘UptheArsenal’ on a football related site targeted at teenage girls and ‘I****your******’ in a virtual reality game aimed at under 18s .

"I am deeply sorry that I let my frustration get the better of my judgement in the usernames I picked" concluded Mr Cummins’ statement.

Gerald Billingsworth, QC for the prosecution, informed the court that whilst he could in some ways understand how the accused could have arrived at such a situation over user names, it did not explain the 3 gigabytes of images and video police found on his hard disk.

Mr Cummins was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment. He has already lodged an appeal and is hoping to raise funds for his legal costs at

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