Thursday, February 25, 2010

Apple “astonished that people use our wipe-clean surface devices to look at boobies”

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps.

“Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.”

Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple App Store were of an adult nature and have therefore been removed, to ensure the purity of the Chosen Devices.

“To be honest, when we developed a hand-held device with a wipe-clean, touch surface, with integrated 3G and Wi-Fi technology that can seamlessly zoom in on webpages, or access streaming video content via the Internet, we never imagined anyone could use it to enlarge anything other than their minds,” said an Apple acolyte. “Who would have thought there were naked ladies, or such suggestive donkeys, on the Internet?”

Apple said that the news that it was possible, if you were discerning and tried long and hard enough, to find saucy content on the Internet using your Apple device has provided the company with an unexpected insight into its customer base.

“Oh my God, do you think that is why all those 20-something men at the iPad launch cheered so much?” said the acolyte, distraught. “Surfing alone, in bed? Gripping our 10 inches in one hand?”

One of the apps that has been removed is called “Broncos Do Dallas” which, to the deep shock of Mr Jobs, turned out was not an American Football simulator. The app allows the user to control the movement of the lead actor’s flanks with a simple flick of the wrist.

“In retrospect we should have checked that upgrade to the Light Sabre app too,” said the acolyte. “We should have been suspicious when it advertised being able to replace the sabre with the user’s own weapon.”

Mr Jobs has yet to release a formal statement on the matter as he now only communicates using Apple’s Multi-Touch Gesture Language and the Well of Purification is famously devoid of Windows.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Voltaire : “gutted at having been so misquoted about defending to the death your right to say stuff”

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, Fran├žois-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments.

“I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.”

Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an 18th century philosopher to sample some of the extents to which the hard won freedoms of expression, so pioneered by the enlightenment movement of the late 17th century, had come to manifest themselves some 400 years later.

“I don’t mind being used as a totem for challenging established authority. That was, after all, my bag whilst I was alive,” said the Enlightenment essayist. “But my reputation is at stake when I am mis-attributed by an author who proceeds to call everyone else a ‘cockend’.

“I have always supported the free flow of ideas, and I think confrontations over the rights of man should be handled robustly,” he added. “But does GordonsBrownEye really need to wish upon someone a death in a burning building over which year the new grilles appeared on the Morris Marina?”

M. Arouet said that he truly admired the Internet and the manner in which ordinary people across the world could freely exchange information and ideas, but wondered as to the path it was taking.

“Take the ‘Have Your Say’ sections of news website, clearly ‘Opinions have caused more ills than the plague or earthquakes on this little globe of ours’,” he said. “That’s one of mine that is. Although today I would probably just type ‘You get right on my tits!!!!!’ in capitals.”

Voltaire, who is credited with using over 170 pen names, also expressed dismay at what he sees as the quality of the pseudonym in the 21st century and its usual reliance on sexual metaphor.

“’Voltaire’ was carefully chosen to allude to speed, a change of opinion all wrapped up in an anagram of the Latin spelling of my full surname. Continuing the reversal theme it even alludes to the name of my family home. It took me bloody ages to come up with,” he said. “I should have stuck with my first choice of ‘FastFrankyFromBehind1694’”

However, despite all his misgivings about the level of discourse, he said that the immediacy of locating and sharing information was intoxicating.

“I fucking knew that it was 1975 when the Marina grille was updated,” tweeted @FastFrankyFromBehind1694. “GordonsBrownEye can shove it, and I’ll bet he’s a Jew.”

Thursday, February 18, 2010

New autobiography is a catalogue of near misses with disaster “Only 3673 miles from death”

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:-

11th September 1921
I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life of the inter-war mill towns. Fortunately this meant I was not born in the USA as the son of a man who went on to be the anti-semetic US ambassador to wartime Britain. Whilst it was a shame I never had the chance to go to an Ivy League college in the USA, it also meant that I was never able to run for US President. Thus it was by sheer chance that I was not sitting in my open-top limousine waving at the crowds in Dealey Plaza, in the heart of Dallas, on the 22nd November 1963. You can imagine my relief that it was not me assassinated that day, but it could have been very different.

6th June 1944
As a 22 year old apprentice working on the London Midland Scottish Railway I was in one of the reserved professions. We worked hard, I tell you, running the steam trains longer and faster, working on them day and night as a key part of Britain's war effort that had spent years under constant bombardment by the Luftwaffe until the RAF gained air supremacy. But for that choice 6 years earlier this glorious summer's morning when I was cooking us a well earned fry-up with our combined egg ration on the boiler plate of “Old Gerty”, could so easily have been different for me. What with me maybe having my limbs blown off on the beaches of Normandy.

30thJuly 1966
On this day it would not even have been three years since I narrowly avoided being shot in Dallas. It shocked me to realise that but for having no interest in football a mere three decades earlier and having taken up boxing (I was pre-war LMS under 16 champion) it could so easily have been me dancing with the Jules Rimet trophy on that marvellous day in Wembley. And not Nobby Styles. And I would have had no teeth.

9th May 1976
I have never been into all that queer sex malarky. A quick doing with the missus, with the lights out, after Match Of The Day is as kinky as I ever liked it, thank-you-very-much. But it makes me think on that it is only my red-blooded heterosexuality, never having been to London and with a keen lack of interest in politics that meant that it was Jeremy Thorpe who suffered the male model bum-sex scandal. I admit I did shag his dog on Exmoor though.

11th September 2001
My granddaughter had talked about doing something special for my 80th birthday. She suggested maybe a holiday in America and a trip on the transcontinental railway. Whilst it is one of the great train journeys of the world, I really do hate Americans and I hate heights and flying, so I never entertained the idea of going there or to somewhere so full of tall buildings as New York. I don't even have a valid passport. So you can imagine my horror when I discovered that New York's World Trade Center towers had been the victim of a terrorist outrage and brought crashing down. They contained the “Windows of the World” restaurant I had absolutely no intention or chance of ever being in. It just brought home to me how that simply could never have been me,

“Hecker's like, and that's swearing, I never miss a domino's night in the Dog and Spade now,” said Mr Billingsworth, speaking at book signing. “It shakes me to the bone to realise that sometimes I have cheated death by just a matter of months or a scant several thousand miles, but then I guess I am just lucky.”

Realising he was in some way charmed, having escaped misfortune so often in his 88 years, had emboldened Herbert to embark on a new travel book entitled “A Wintry Descent Of The Alps By Toyota Prius.”

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Christianity To be Rebooted In "New Testament the High School Years"

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth.

“We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip teen who has attitude, the latest sandals and hair that is just so like totally ill.”

New characters are being introduced into the long running saga to boost the appeal of Christianity with the key 15 to 25 demographic. It is this group that is believed to have the most disposable credulity.

“Pontius P meets a teenage apprentice carpenter Jesus who repairs and like totally pimps out his plain wooden skateboard which has been damaged in a thrilling escape from a Roman Centurion who caught Pontius scrumping for coins at the money changers' tables,” said the Pope. “Pontius uses his like well streetwise cred to totally help a shy, young Jesus blossom and practice his miracles and stuff. With hilarious consequences.”

The Vatican said that the traditional story of Christ may be off-putting to the modern teenager and Pontius P provides a means of challenging the issues that today's young people face.

“Through the retelling of their teens we can experience the touching adventures of youth for the messiah, with heart-warming lessons for us all,” announced the Vatican trailer available on YouTube. “After a misunderstanding of an overheard conversation caused a young Thomas to doubt his friendship with Jesus, Pontius P tricks them into settling their differences during the leper healing contest. With hilarious consequences.”

The Vatican would not be drawn on rumours that the New Testament reboot will include cross-over cameos involving popular characters from other religious texts.

“There may be exciting visits from some familiar Old Testament characters,” said a Vatican spokesman. “But you'll just have to keep following and who knows if a time-travelling Muhammad will join the boys as they embark on a 40 day road trip across the desert. With hilarious consequences.”

In other departures from Canon, the rebooted New Testament will include a new group of female characters following new studies into the recently translated “Gospel of Mary Magdalene”.

“During the Young Apostle Crew's visit to the Sea of Galilee to spend the day at the beach Pontius P attempts to impress Mary by jumping a shark,” said a voiceover for another trailer. “After the trick goes wrong, Jesus runs across the sea to save him. With hilarious consequences.”

The saga's ending will be also be retold with Jesus and Pontius P growing apart and falling in with different groups, reflecting modern society's issues with gang culture. In emotional scenes of reunion, Pontius P is torn between his childhood friend Jesus and his loyalty to the members of his adopted gang, the Roman Empire.

“I think it's key to the growth of Christianity that we target the audience when they are most likely to believe our stories,” said a Vatican spokesman. “This approach enables us to get directly in touch with the kids - in the hope that Priests don't get a chance to.”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Google Buzz Offers Millions Another Route To Tell Each Other Their Choice Of Sandwich, “Nom Nom Nom”

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter.

“Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and quickly and someti ...”

Google said that Buzz would leverage the search giant's algorithms to place the targeted content easily within the user's Gmail inbox.

“What your friends are having for lunch will be categorised into Sandwich or Soup and rated using the international standard of tastiness - the number 'noms' they include in the update,” said Google founder Sergey Brin. “We can then help you locate these food choices by offering you a selection of the local eateries who have paid the most to advertise with our new Google Noms add on for Google Maps.”

Facebook indicated that it thought that Google has perhaps erred by integrating Buzz into Google Mail, saying that social networking had moved away from merely being a point to point method of communication of thoughts or ideas or even dreams and aspirations.

“Facebook offers the user the chance to poke or buy each other virtual beer and happily share their entire life history with their nearest and most beloved circle of corporate advertisers,” said a spokesman. “Then, through the experience of taking quizzes and playing on virtual farms, our users can then invite some of their most loved friends to share their own intimate details with enormous corporations.”

For leading online celebrities such as @realpaulirwin, the new service provides another means by which they can keep their close-knit circle of friends up to date with the important events in their life.

“I can send important updates to Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz, Orkut, MySpace, LiveJournal and many others all at once and with Buzz they c …” said @realPaulIrwin. “I can update my best 13732 friends with every new gem I get on my WOW Quest of Anskabar & let everyone know when my job sucks or snow is col ...”

Twitter, the micro-blogging service for people who find traditional blogs cumbersome and boring, responded that status messages themselves were becoming a turn-off to users who were struggling to wade through all 140 characters of some of the more epic tweets. The new service will be called “PunkTweet” and is aimed at those who only wish to communicate via punctuation marks.

For the aid of readers the complete “PunkTweet” press release is reproduced below :-

“ :-) <3 “

Another group interested in the opportunities offered by Google Buzz are those advertisers whose market relies on access to the intimate details of our lives from social networks, such as which prison we are on the run from or who we are bullying today.

“Today the consumer suffers from information overload so it's important for advertisers like us to make sure that we get a complete picture of the user. We can then focus our targeted adverts to ensure that our product choices match their aspirations for their ‘life journey’,” said a source. “But despite all that we still only ever show everyone the same adverts for weight-loss and debt consolidation.”

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

International Shock As Celebrity Arranges Letters To Spell Naughty Words

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone.

“That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.”

Many analysts believe that the so-called “Star Text Sex Scandal” could deal a massive blow to the prospects of the two state Palestinian solution being proposed by the group of four, in the hopes of peace and prosperity in the middle east.

“We stopped the air-lift once we read the front page of The Sun.” said a red cross official. “You wonder how you can go on knowing that Tess, who always looks so lovely on Strictly Come Dancing, might be a bit miffed.”

In other, unrelated, news Mr Kay's wife, Tess Daly was seeking the consolation of her friendly publisher who will be releasing her new book imminently.

Whilst friends have expressed grave concern for the future of their marriage and Mr Kay was seen in a Soho coffee shop perusing the “photo messaging” section of his iPhone manual, the markets were upbeat. News that Mr Kay may have been exchanging arrangements of electronic letters with as many as 5 women saw the FTSE rise 134 points as traders invested heavily in mobile phone carriers.

“Photos showed him with an iPhone so I made a killing on O2 shares thanks to the STSS,” said one trader. “It's likely that he has used way more texts than are bundled with his tariff.”

This is not the first time that the UN''s credibility as an international bringer of peace and security has been rocked by news that a celebrity DJ has been found using electronic devices for titillation. In 1991 humanitarian efforts in Kurdish northern Iraq were almost derailed when news broke that Terry Wogan had shown a female researcher how to enter numbers on his calculator to spell “BigBOOBS” when held upside down.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts.

“Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.”

Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand.

“Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter in America hasn’t done that when taking their GED?”

The Tea Party movement is a “grass-roots organisation” that aims to bring together ordinary Americans who are angry and disaffected with what they see as their country’s move away from their own fantasies about its constitution and the current President’s desperate lurches towards civilisation. The underlying fear of many is that the problems facing the United States cannot be solved by large-scale government intervention, and instead believe the solution lies in buying more books and DVDs by Fox News anal-disorder enthusiast Glenn Beck.

The Tea Party is a euphemistic homage to the revolutionary zeal with which disaffected colonists illegally boarded and terrorised merchant ships, with no respect for private property, during the so-called “Boston Tea Party” that helped lead to the American War of Independence which set the country back over 200 years.

“We was angry back then and gosh-darn-it we is angry now. All these liberal, commie A-rabs! We need to reclaim our country from this ‘health is a fundamental principle’ nonsense” said Billingsworthski. “That’s why I am here and founded my group – Conservative Homeland Is My Principle.”

The C.H.I.M.P Tea Party was the show-piece event at the end of the convention and many of the ordinary, grass-roots, right-wing American extremists attending the event welcomed Mrs Palin by screeching, beating their chests and doing back-flips.

“They certainly do look like regular people, in their suits, with their huge toothy grins,” said one analyst. “But then they just started screaming incoherently and flinging their shit around. It’s clear that evolution really has passed the Republicans by.”

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable.

“We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.”

To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’.

“The iPad Nano condenses the web-surfing, video and music playing capabilities of the iPad into a form factor that you can hold in your hand, or even in your pocket,” said the Apple High-Priest to a round of applause. “Rest assured your favourite applications can all be downloaded just as before, but now the hilarious drinking lager app looks like you are having a swift half, not a whole bucket!”

Apple said that it was responding to rumours of criticism of the iPad: that it was bulky to carry around and its large and unwieldy display led to a battery life of a mere 10 hours.

“Apparently some of the brethren have expressed displeasure to my acolytes that the device is so large even though it has no keyboard, and that its size makes the Chosen Tablet cumbersome to take to places to be seen in,” said Mr Jobs through an interpreter as he continued his presentation purely in the multi-touch gesture language. “We find this difficult to believe, not least because the people who made these complaints have disappeared.”

The iPad Nano boasts impressive specifications. It is half the height of the full size iPad, at 4.5 inches, and a third of the width, at 2.4 inches. Also revealed at Apple Core was that the multi-touch gesture for “disappear” is to slide one’s finger across one’s throat.

“The iPad Nano is a truly revolutionary device, and will come with additional features,” gestured Mr Jobs as he ascended upwards. “There will be a version that not only has 3G capability but also includes the functionality to make telephone calls.”

Following the unease with which the Chosen Tablet’s name was received by the public, especially among women, the iPad Nano 3G will be sold under the name ‘iPhone’.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Hotline Closes Upon News That Swine Flu “May Not Have Killed Everyone On Earth After All”

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone.

“It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still vindicates the official medical approach. Although it is possible that large numbers of cases of diarrhoea were in fact a direct response to the medical plan code-named ‘Scare the shit out of everyone’.”

Medical experts from around the world are convening at an international conference to determine the best approach to future outbreaks and plan a co-ordinated response – as well as which manufacturer of a pointless vaccine will benefit from the next outbreak.

“We are all a little disappointed about Bird Flu, you know about all the panic in the streets,” said Billingsworth. “There wasn’t any, but I am sure we can do better next time.”

Experts believe that some opportunities were missed with the recent outbreaks due to a lack of co-ordination regarding the branding of their products.

“We had some confusion, and there was a lot of wasted exposure when the name H1N1 was used to try and convince Americans that Swine Flu, which spread to humans from industrialised pig farming, wasn't related to pigs.” said Billingsworth. “But we can't rely on the stupidity of the American public any more. Some of them have access to the Internet and a few can even read.”

Indeed it is effective branding that medical opinion is convinced will provide a more fertile breeding ground for medical papers, research grants and the all-important public service interviews on the GMTV sofa that will lead to greater royalty fees for their next books.

“We haven't done very well recently. Bird Flu , Swine Flu and Bitch Flu, they just aren't aspirational. If you are trying to get a week off work you want it to sound really, really deadly,” said Billingsworth. “We are therefore toying with 'Angry-Wildebeest-Flu' or perhaps 'Cornered-Mother-Tiger-Protecting-Her-Cub Flu'. There were licensing issues with our first choice – 'Wolverine Flu'.”

Whilst Swine Flu has claimed less deaths around the world than 'falling over' does in a month in an average care-home, medical experts insisted we must remain vigilant.

“We have to make sure that all instances of Tamiflu are completely eradicated, by making sure you all get as much as possible,” said Billingsworth. “So let me re-iterate the official medical advice – you will all be dead by morning.”

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Vatican Prejudice Expert Blasts British Equality Laws As Having “Insufficient Inequality”

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation.

“I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.”

Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of proposed laws aimed at preventing organisations from rejecting prospective candidates based on religion, ethnicity, their preferred method of combining their genitals or whether they have the physiology to enable them to give birth to future Christians.

“This legislation wouldn't discriminate against anyone! It's ridiculous, it is a violation of the natural law,” said the former Nazi. “2000 years ago the majestic carpenter was very clear that no one who has genitals should use them. He has made me the expert on natural law by giving me his whispers of continual guidance. And this big hat.”

Many religious groups fear that this new earthly and rational law will compel them to employ or do business with people whose lifestyles conflict with the high moral standards of Christian beliefs. They also fear the effect the administrative overheard may have on a Roman Catholic church that is currently settling hundreds of paedophile and paternity cases involving its ministers.

However Roman Catholics have been joined by high ranking irrationalists within the Church of England who are opposed to the removal of the special exemptions for religious groups. They insist their faith compels them to discriminate on the basis of the rigid and clearly defined principles of Christianity that have been continually translated, mistranslated, re-translated, rewritten and reinterpreted, then misinterpreted, over the past two millennia.

“The pope is right to insist on not doing any business with me. As an openly gay man there’s no way that I could possibly compile a church's accounts,” said chartered accountant and committed Catholic, Glenn Billingsworth, “The binary values stored in the electronic spreadsheet files would have all their magnetism become infused with my thoughts of cock.”

Monday, February 01, 2010

David Cameron Urges Householders To “drag burglars into the kitchen, it's where the knives are”

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own.

“I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.”

Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail.

“Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron bar, a cricket bat or a hockey stick. Or use all 3.”

Mr Cameron was speaking following a number of high-profile cases that have once again re-opened the debate about the levels of extreme violence a member of the public is allowed to inflict on a criminal.

“I think the tariff is clear, no-one is saying that losing a VCR is worth taking a human life for,” said Mr Cameron. “But have you seen the picture quality on the latest LED HD TVs? If someone stole one from you, no court could begrudge you cutting their spines with a carving knife.”

Mr Cameron emphasised that it was the duty of political leaders to ensure that ever strengthening human rights were not abused by the law breaking to weaken the protection of the law abiding.

“It is one of the greatest principles of English Common Law that Myleene Klass’s home is her castle,” said Mr Cameron. “All former reality TV contestants who have been out of the limelight for a couple of years should be able to wave a knife out of their own kitchen window without the need for their publicist to phone the Sun.”

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