Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Scottish Customer’s £400bn overdraft shock

A soon-to-be-unemployed man from Westminster was said to be laughing hysterically when his bank statement showed him to be over £400bn overdrawn.

"I tell you I am loving this," said Alistair Darling a Don’t-Care worker who hails from Edinburgh. "I have never seen numbers of this size before, have you? It is great – just look at all those digits!"

Mr Darling said that the amount was not in fact an administrative error by his bank and, despite its alarming size, the overdraft "looked about right".

"Well, I don’t keep to close a watch on such things. Who does? It is the Christmas season after all," he said in between giggling fits. "However I do remember some really fantastic transfers of truly spectacular amounts from schools or hospitals or something to some nice gentlemen who drink in the Carlton Club."

Experts from Ocean Finance have contacted Mr Darling to see if he has considered consolidating all of his debts into a single – "frankly humungous" – payment. However Mr Darling felt that did not fit in with his lifestyle.

"Frankly I am not planning on paying it back, the taxpayer has just watched me piss that up the wall! I got a good slap-up meal and a round of ‘He’s a jolly good fellow’ out of it, and that is good enough for all of us," he said. "If the taxpayer is worried about the future and the prospect of job losses, he can rest easy since I am bound to get a big fat directorship of a large bank when I am, inevitably, kicked out of office."

A spokesman for the banking industry tried to distance himself from the Chancellor’s comments insisting that his bank would not be offering anything to former UK government ministers.

"If Mr Darling thinks that his profligacy and vast ‘corporate welfare’ handouts will ensure that he is looked on favourably in our boardroom, he has another think coming," explained John Varley in an interview with the BBC. "Mainly because we at Barclays Bank have been nationalised by a load of Arabs."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Children excel at the new 'Vivo' lessons in bribery and corruption

Children are preparing for another term milking an incentive scheme at the Westminster Academy whereby they can earn 'Vivo' rewards that pupils can exchange for iPods, TVs and Alcoholics Anonymous sessions.

“It isn't fair to say that we are simply paying the children to learn,” said Rod Billingsworth, Academy principal. “We are equipping them with the real life bribery skills they will need to get ahead in political and corporate life.

Westminster Academy says the scheme has already shown a marked change in the social interactions that the children have with each other and members of the educational staff.

“Previously they would gang up on the smaller kids and rob them of their lunch money,” said one teacher. “Now they all take part in the litter patrol together until they earn enough points for the kitchen knife set, which they use to mug teachers.”

The spring term timetable includes several amendments to the curriculum such as Monday afternoon's double 'Argos Catalogue' lesson and after-school sessions studying 'The Gadget Show'. Extra homework Vivo points can be earned for neatly completed Argos ordering slips

“It is about preparing children to become valuable members of British society,” said Billingsworth. “The kids can earn as many as 60 Vivo points for extra-curricular activities, such as an early-morning outward bound course to queue outside shops during the sales."

The scheme has taken off across the country. At St Hilda's School for Girls in Luton punctual attendance at French lessons will reward the students with enough Vivo points for electronic pregnancy testers.

Advocates of the scheme say that already they are seeing improvements in attendance during lessons that previously had high truancy rates.

“Our careers advisers are now fielding thousands of e-mail requests for information on the Nigerian civil service,” said Billingsworth. “Of course we are concerned that some children might be learning the wrong lessons from these incentive schemes, as quite a few want to become bankers.”

Already an internal market has opened up in Luton for trading Vivo points, with the economics staff at one sixth-form college have been impressed by the entrepreneurial spirit being shown.

“Several of the pupils have provided loans to each other to buy fashion accessories,” explained one teacher at St Hilda's. “However the arse has fallen out of the Vivo reward point market so the girls have had to go back on the game.”

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Licence Payer slams BBC for the amount of filth in the Christmas schedules

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule.

“I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.”

Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates.

“There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the attention-seeking granddaughter of which fading celebrity and if a sofa was involved.”

He said that he was going to complain again to OfCom about the corporation's output

“I complained recently, but clearly nobody listens,” he said. “There was nothing in the Radio Times to tell me there would be a discussion on how much Manual's granddaughter likes to be taken from behind – I had to read all about it afterwards in the Daily Mail, like nearly everyone else who complained.”

Mr Billingsworth has not given up hope for some festive entertainment and is pinning his hopes on the flag-ship programme of Christmas day.

“The Queen looks after her subjects,” he said. “Hopefully she might have some snippets from her voicemail of an X-Factor contestant who has done Princess Eugenie up against a bus shelter.”

The BBC has defended its output saying that it was fulfilling its duty as a public service broadcaster to provide programmes for all areas of society.

“We refute these complaints most strongly,” said a BBC statement. “Ross and Brand may have been a one-off special, but there are plenty of regular discussion programmes where famous people describe how they have fucked the youth of this country, such as Question Time or Newsnight.”

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

As the Spanish await the receipts of El Gordo – the world's biggest payout – Gordon Brown heads to Madrid

Millions of people in Spain where today awaiting the huge payout from El Gordo, despite denials from Downing Street that the Prime Minister is even in the Iberian peninsula.

"Spain is another country to add to the list of those that I have personally saved," said El Gordo Brown from a phonebox near Niagara Falls in Canada. "As soon as I save a small boy from falling to his doom – which is bound to happen soon – I will fly right across to Madrid and see if those bankers at Santander want anything else from the British taxpayer – such as even more savings accounts. Or Wales."

The British Prime Minister said that there was no misunderstanding with Downing Street over his intentions and that the cabinet was completely behind his every move.

"Some have tried to say that El Gordo is a lottery," said the 'Brown Midas’ as he wishes to be known. "But who would have bet on me saving the world already? Well apart from the British taxpayer who I forced to punt billions of pounds."

Brown Midas said that he wanted to introduce a programme of economic reforms that would ensure prosperity for many years to come.

"The future of the British cape industry is safe on the shoulders of this government. The cabinet - or Mystery Team as it is now known – has placed orders for dozens, and the motor industry is safe thanks to the bulk order of super-vehicles we will be placing," he said outside the entrance of 'The Brown Hole' as number 10 is now known.

The leader of the opposition said that clearly the Prime Minister was losing touch with reality if he believed he was a caped crusader who could fly to the rescue in the nick of time.

"Clearly it is time that this government saw the Tory party for the Kryptonite that it is," said David Cameron. "As I said last night on patrol with my sidekick the Bojo-Wonder in his new Routemastermobile, it will be I, 'The TopHatter' that will save Britain!"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Breakthrough device to help disinterested parents launched

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor.

"I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting.

The device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices.

"We use only the finest grade metals, just like the railings outside our Tony's offender's centre before they disappeared," said Billingsworth. "The poles are guaranteed to last at least 15 years, which is longer than most of our customers' kids."

The devices come in several sizes ranging down to the Baby P-ole for those little bastards that constantly want a biscuit during 'Jeremy Kyle'.

"Following extensive market research into our customer base, we recommend the full size model which has enough capacity to chain up all of your bairns at once," said Ms Billingsworth. "For the more affluent bad parent we also have the collapsible ‘Algarve’ model, which is a travel pole for holidaymakers who absolutely don't want to be disturbed whilst eating tapas."

For the discerning parent who wants to know if the 'Climbié Pole' is not just another fad that will divert hard pressed benefit money from cans of Stella Artois, the company emphasises that the device has been certified by Haringey Social Services.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bush visit to Baghdad Woolworths sparks shoe frenzy

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury.

“I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging. “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.”

Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves.

“The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped to creationify,” said Comrade Bush trying to find a matching set of car seat covers from the damaged goods bin.

“They therefore started throwing me their shoes to take home to those barefoot workers waiting in the soup lines in New York.”

Many social commentators have explained that the receipt of a shoe on the nose is one of the greatest insults that can be delivered by a Muslim but Mr Bush was quick to play down the political aspect of the incident.

“I disagree that it was some sort of high Islamic insult,” he said trying to find a matching set of luggage with all of its wheels intact. “After all those shoes contained no explosives.”

The Whitehouse today said that Mr Bush was very happy with the outcome of his trip to Baghdad and that there was no misunderstanding between the USSA and Iraqi governments over exactly what he was to find in Iraq.

Comrade Bush searched for all of the WMDs (Woolies Mega Deals) in the country, and whilst he was unable to find what he first claimed he was looking for, he did come home with a brand new gas pipeline.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Government plan “Scare the shit out of children” revealed

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes.

"The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit."

The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work.

"We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister.

Supermarkets have given a mixed reaction to the new plans saying that limp-wristed staff who refuse to process a "heavy" bottle of pop already man their tobacco kiosks.

"We take our health and safety responsibilities very seriously," said a spokesman for Sainsbury’s. "We wouldn’t want anyone straining a wrist when they are purchasing cancer causing death-sticks from us."

The 'Paedo's and Fags' plan was formulated following an extensive consultation process by surfing the Daily Star’s message boards, however it is not the only step being taken.

"We are serious about children’s well-being. We know that even the sight of a box with ‘death’ written on it in large unfriendly letters is enough to turn them all into 40 a day addicts," said Billingsworth. "Therefore the only logical next step to protect their futures is to poke the eyes out of anyone under 16 seen looking at a cigarette. We are doing this for their own good."

Monday, December 08, 2008

US welcomes Barack Obama’s Britishness

The citizens of the once proud nation of the United States of America today welcomed news that president-elect Barack Obama may be of British descent extending the hope ignited in November that their country could be on the road to recovery.

"I cried when I heard the news, " said Joe Billingsworthski, a plumber from Ohio. "The idea that we could have a British president fills me with hope, after all the last American one really screwed up the country."

Many political observers are hopeful that the USA could gain some of the ideals of British fairplay and freedom that they have lost under the current American president, regain some of the prosperity of earlier generations and finally get an understanding of cricket, decent beer and democracy.

"We need to bring in international talent to turn this place around," said Joe. "Americans have screwed up the world’s economy and given the financial system a seeing-to that it might never recover from. From January, with a Brit at the helm, there is a chance we can put the Bush oppression behind us and become a free country."

Leo Donofrio, who brought the case celebrating Obama’s Britishness said that he would continue to get even greater recognition for Mr Obama’s ancestry and any other President of the United States formerly thought of as being American.

"It is amazing, all of the early founders of this great nation, they had parents who were British citizens, regardless of birth. Just like Barack Obama. We can’t risk the US returning to a time when it was the championing force of human freedoms!" said Mr Donofrio as men in white coats led him to a waiting van. "I may have started with Obama, but I have raked through Chester A. Arthur’s past, and I won’t stop until I investigate everyone who claims to be American. I may even be the only genuine American, do you hear! The country will be mine, all mine!"

Barack Obama who has previously tried to stay away from discussions of his ancestry today made a brief statement during tea at a cricket match in Philadelphia.

"I say, if we keep a stiff upper lip, and pump huge amount of taxpayers money into General Motors we can make it into the success that British Leyland was, what?" he said before going out to bat for the Queen’s Eleven.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to be overjoyed at the announcement that British citizenship is no bar to becoming President of the USA and has booked a plane ticket for 2012.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Britons of the future should be less individual recommends Government

The Department of Health is to consider advice from the British Fertility Society that more pregnancies should be allowed from the sperm of a single donor. This would provide a means, it believes, of further ensuring any individuality is removed from the Britons of the next century.

"The benefits are legion of having as many people as possible with the same father," said Patricia Bokonovsky a spokeswoman for the government. "If everyone is from the same gene pool they will all vote the same way and have similar personalities."

Government mandarins have long expressed displeasure at the propensity of the British public to act in a multitude of different ways, with different aims and aspirations. This routinely culminates in an alarming appetite for voting out an incumbent government that doesn’t manage to convince enough of them that it is doing a good job.

"No, the more I think about it this will be far easier and cheaper than our current strategy - of trying to control what they think and monitoring their every move," said Bokonovsky. "It isn’t like we can just lock everyone up without charging them in the orgy of Orwellian fantasy we dream about. Not yet anyway."

Secret documents reveal that many of the challenges facing society are caused by people responding in different ways to the freedom so intrinsic to British life.

"How are we supposed to regulate things like knives and alcohol when everyone is so different? How do you know if I am just going to cut up my lunch, or stab you on a bus? Perhaps I am going to toast the Queen then head off early to bed, or maybe I will be found under a bridge vomiting into my ministerial red box. Again."

Mandarins within Whitehall say that the BFS recommendation does not go far enough and instead are challenging if there is even a need for multiple sperm donors at all.

"Given the number of sperm in the average ejaculation we actually only need one donor to populate Britain with citizenry of the right calibre for generations to come," said Bokonovsky. "And many people think Number 10 is occupied by an iconic wanker."

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Are Sat-Nav systems starting to behave like their celebrity voices?

With the prolific adoption of in-car satellite navigation systems that offer more and more functionality, many owners are customising theirs using celebrity voices in place of the normal mid-Atlantic sounding female voice. Reports from motorists are now starting to be collated and reveal a worrying trend that the systems are taking on the characteristic behaviour of the celebrities they sound like.

"Initially we received reports about the Mr T voiced Sat-Navs." said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. "Several people have said that when they try to program them for journeys to an airport the devices refuse to plan a route and instead only respond with ‘I ain't gittin' on no plane, fool!’"

Initially thought to be a mohawk-wearing celebrity problem, the RAC has also received hundreds of reports from all over the country from people who use a variety of celebrity voices to spice up long journeys.

"Several users have reported that updating their systems to use the voice of George Michael has left any journey through London causing the system to become horribly confused around the area of Hampstead Heath," said Mr Billingsworth.

The RAC says that other drivers in London have reported that David Pleat voiced Sat-Navs repeatedly urge the motorist to slow down if they attempt to travel over 5mph in red-light districts.

"Many people still prefer a female voice giving them instructions," said Billingsworth. "But those that have installed Gillian Taylforth find that they are constantly being directed to roadside lay-bys for frequent rests, and that they should perhaps undo their trousers to be more comfortable."

Motoring organisations have stated that drivers should be wary of any unexpected commands from James Dean Sat-Navs and young women should be extremely wary of receiving a lift from anyone whose device is voiced by Edward Kennedy.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Fat people’s inability to read labels may have medical not educational cause

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat.

"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."

The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.

"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"

The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.

"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."

Sunday, September 28, 2008

“In Sebastian I see the new me” claims Heikki Kovalainen

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix.

“Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.”

The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

“I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s name on,” said a freelance journalist. “By the way, does anyone know how to spell Vettel’s first name, is it an 'e' or an 'a' ?”

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

“That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race,” said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. “The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race.”

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly such as if Timo Glock or Adrian Sutil have a good race.

“The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any such stories about the future of Jenson Button,” he remarked.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Jenson Button expresses concern at Honda's night racing technology

As this weekend's historic Singapore Grand Prix rapidly approaches concerns are being expressed by the sport's leading drivers, and Jenson Button, regarding the effectiveness of some of their teams’ preparations for the event.

"This will be the first ever time Grand Prix cars have run at night," said Jenson. "The last few seasons have been difficult enough and, with this latest new part for Singapore I am not completely convinced that Honda racing are making a real effort to give me a chance to win."

Nick Billingsworth, Team Executive at Honda Racing, denied any lack of effort. Instead he stressed the Japanese automotive giant was investing just the right amount to help Jenson maximise his chances driving at 200mph on a street-circuit in the dark.

"Our technicians have been burning the candle at both ends, which in fact was one of the prototypes for the helmet mounted light we have developed for Jenson," said Mr Billingsworth. "We are applying the right level of intellectual talent to deliver to him technology that befits his racing ability."

However concerns over the effectiveness of such a weak beam from the 19th century miner’s lamp in illuminating the hundreds of yards of racetrack that a Formula 1 car can cover in a few seconds were, he said, unfounded.

"Let's be honest here, Jenson is only going to follow other cars red rear lights around all bloody night," said Billingsworth. "I could stick a bloody search light on the front of his car, but the only thing it would achieve is to dazzle all the other drivers in their rear view mirrors."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Russia declares cold war with USSA over

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system.

"It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world."

President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system.

"This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cancel their caviar orders. I am commanding each and every hard working American to rise up and underwrite every single dubious and morally hazardous decision that they have made," said the President sporting a new red-star lapel pin-badge.

The President announced further plans to aid struggling companies in other industries such as motor manufacturing.

"Today, I asked Congress to approve, on pain of death, a glorious five-year plan to bail out the executives of General Motors and Ford," he said. "Congress will ensure that at the plan’s completion every home will be the proud owner of a marvellous red tractor."

Reporters asked if the US consumer really wanted a tractor and whether or not this was an environmentally sound solution to the collapse of the US economy.

"Every citizen of the USSA will want to do their bit, or do they want to go to the Guantanamo gulag?" said Mr Bush. "Without a tractor how else will all comrades across the USSA plough their new collective farms?"

When asked what this might mean for other expensive projects, such as Space Exploration, President Bush ended his address from the ‘Washingtongrad Inner City Farm' – formerly the ‘White House Lawn’ – on an upbeat note.

"One way or another, I intend to ensure that man dominates a new Red Planet."


Sunday, September 07, 2008

FIA announce further penalties following Belgian Grand Prix

The uproar surrounding the FIA’s decision to punish Lewis Hamilton following the controversial end to this year’s Belgian Grand Prix has been further compounded after having published details of the ruling.

"You have to remember this is a very complicated, technical sport," said Max Billingsworth of the FIA. "The average laymen may find the underlying principles that we are trying to uphold difficult to follow. The main one being to make sure that red cars get all the trophies."

The FIA said that it was also investigating reports that a visiting car club had their regular Sunday afternoon parade ruined by the thoughtlessness of other people on the roads of Spa.

"The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast.

The FIA said that a silver car was seen by hundreds of millions of people speeding in the Wallonia area of Belgium and that in addition, despite the presence of rain that the driver was clearly not driving to the road conditions.

"The speed limit on the roads through the Ardennes is 60Km/h, however a silver car driven by a black youth was repeatedly clocked at over 300km/h, " said Mr Billingsworth. "We also have reason to believe that his car was not fitted with windscreen wipers in the obviously inclement conditions, nor was it fitted with a badge in the shape of a prancing horse which could lead to automatic disqualification."

The main miscreants are believed to be a notorious gang of racers who had travelled from from Woking in England. One Ferrari club member, who did not wish to be named but said he had travelled from Finland for the parade, told of his trauma at the hands of the gang.

"It was very embarrassing. Someone should do something," he said reaching for his second bottle of Vodka. "I was so startled to be mugged at the bus stop that I simply drove into a wall. Again."

Monday, September 01, 2008

George Bush to miss Republican Convention in attempt to hold back Hurricane Gustav

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans.

"My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq."

White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country.

"I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fearing Christians," said the President as he was shown a map of the USA. "Hey we’re going near Georgia, we should say ‘Hey’ to that nice Mr Putin who has just put his army there."

When asked if he felt there was any reason why the people of New Orleans should suffer losing their homes and livelihoods twice in three years, President Bush said that the solution lay at the State and not Federal level.

"The place is full of French Catholics and Voodoo," he said. "Even the ones I save are probably going to hell."

Mrs Bush said that it wasn’t just her husband’s duty as President to save American citizens but it was a historical role she felt he had to fulfil.

She said: "I now understand why all those people lining the streets in London where chanting ‘For King Cnut! For King Cnut!’ as we passed."


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ryanair to charge passengers for in-flight oxygen

Budget airline Ryanair has today launched the latest innovation in the low-cost airline industry with the announcement that passengers will be asked to purchase the amount of oxygen they wish to breathe during their flight as part of the check-in process. During the flight passengers will then be able breathe their allotment through masks that will be hang form the overhead compartments.

"With rising fuel prices Ryanair is once again demonstrating innovation in keeping costs down for passengers, " said Chief Executive Michael O'Leary holding a press conference whilst wearing an aqualung to demonstrate the frequent flyer option. "We are continuing to make air travel affordable to gasping, blue-faced Europeans."

The plan was announced on Tuesday following a successful trial of the ‘Pay as you Go’ option during one of the airline’s flights on the Bristol to Barcelona route. All passengers who were offered the chance to breathe at high altitude said that it was a service they were very interested in, some were even seen shedding tears of joy during the trial.

During the new check-in procedure passengers will be asked a series of questions to help them purchase the correct amount of Oxygen, such as:

Which of the following in-flight hallucinations do you
require?

  1. Pink Elephants
  2. Elvis dancing with Princess Di
  3. England qualifying for the next World Cup
When you reach your destination do you wish to be alive?
People who wish to book tickets on the new OptionAir flights should be aware that if they bring their own oxygen in the form of party balloons or compressed air tanks these will need to be checked into the hold at extra charge.

The flight was also another landmark for Ryanair with it's notorious policy of rebranding small regional airports with the name of a more sought-after destination city that may in fact be many miles away.

"We are pleased to announce the introduction of services to Barcelona Limoges airport in central France," said Mr O'Leary. "Limoges offers travellers the opportunity to visit the heart of rural France and sample transcontinental rail travel and an overnight stay on their trip to one of Spain's leading cities. This makes it by far the most convenient of Ryanair’s direct flights."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

China confesses Olympics faked on sound stage in the Arizona desert

The closing ceremony to the most expensive Olympic games ever, four times the cost of the Sydney 2000 games was another spectacle from China that stunned the world. However even as thousands of performers danced and sang in front of members of the cream of Chinese and western corporate societies in the unaccountably expensive Bird's Nest stadium, officials were forced to admit that the whole of the Olympics has been staged by actors in the Arizona desert.

"It wasn't just that little girl miming to an uglier girl's voice in the opening ceremony," said Chinese Premier Hu Jintao speaking in front of a green screen in a portakabin in Beijing. "The whole lot has been a fake, from the footstep fireworks of the opening ceremony to the tears of joy of our glorious winning communists. They were really tears of relief at not being sent to the labour camps for re-education with cattle prods and heavy rocks."

Many conspiracy theorists said that they thought that some of the coverage did not match what you would expect from a country with so many social and environmental problems that has always had it’s own version of the truth.

"If you look really carefully, during the closing ceremony the Olympic flag fluttered strongly as it was handed over to someone who is supposed to be the Mayor of London," said blogger Mulder Fox-Anderson. "But when he speaks, you can't believe he is real."

Many analysts agreed that it was the sight of Boris Johnson representing London in front of nearly two billion people around the world that made many believe the whole of the Olympics must be some sort of fantasy.

"Here we are, the world’s spotlight upon us, and there is some dummy waving the flipping flag around," said political commentator Huw Billingsworth. "You just think it must be a huge hoax!"

Indeed it was the unrealistic movements and Benny Hill style presentation of the alleged Mr Johnson on the Beijing stage that gave a clue as to how the hoax has been perpetrated for so long. Behind the scenes photographs show that ‘Boris’ is in reality a complicated combination of green screen computer graphics and foam manipulated by puppeteers from Conservative Central Office.

"If you listen carefully under the dubbing you can hear what Boris really says," said Fox-Anderson. "'Blimey, a flag eh? Cripes! Jolly interesting, not sure what it's for, is it Eton sports day? Which of the first years are the toast rack?'"

Saturday, August 09, 2008

London 2012 team: “Only one stabbing in Beijing – that won’t be difficult to beat!”

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate.

"Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings."

Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history.

"There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teenage Mums’ will be a sight to behold," explained Lord Billingsworth. "All over the world, hairs will be raised on the backs of viewer’s necks by the chanting of the Islamic Fundamentalists and those in the stadium will leave into the dead of night with their spines tingling after the macabre ‘Cabaret of the Hoodies’."

The 2012 team says that London is uniquely placed to host a show of such magnitude not only as a showcase for sporting excellence but also as a genuine human spectacle.

"The Olympic ideals are expressed through normal London life, the pickpockets are swifter, the drug addicts higher and the bad language stronger than anywhere else in the world," explained Lord Billingsworth. "A ten minute walk, assuming you survive, around South East London shows all of human drama in all of it’s multicoloured facets. It’s all there, from the green faces of the crack addicts to the blue faces of battered women being strangled and the red pools of blood outside night-clubs."

His lordship was one of several members of the 2012 organising committee who were today showcasing a new range of branded safety equipment that will be available to visitors and competitors alike.

"Well, they are a little bulky," admitted Lord Coe. "But we expect the need to actually wear a stab-proof vest will motivate marathon runners to overcome its weight and set a world record time through the streets of London."

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

MoD denies secret deal with al-Mahdi militia

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East.

"We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa."

Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India.

"It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more beers from the fridge and returned to find their forces in the Ukraine under attack from the al-Mahdi’s," said Billington-Billingsworth discussing their week long Risk marathon.

The event had gone well, although whilst everyone had been focussed on the planned marathon session of the strategy board game Risk, the Iraqi and British teams had left it to the Americans to determine follow-up arrangements.

"It was assumed that there would at least be a couple of rounds of Diplomacy, said General Billington-Billingsworth. "However even though the Americans had forgotten to bring their board, the real problem was that there was no one around to tidy up the mess from a week’s drinking and munching on crisps and takeaways before my wife returned form visiting her mother."

It was this let down that led to some bad feeling and marred the otherwise enjoyable games session that may mean that the old university chums might not get together for some time.

"I am sure we will all remain friends, but I guess that’s why its just a bit of fun - you couldn’t run a real war like that could you?" asked Billington-Billingsworth. "Imagine how bad Iraq would have been if the yanks there had just focussed on the high-profile game completely forgotten about diplomacy and the aftermath of all the action? Oh I see."

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

“In Heikki I see the new me” claims Lewis Hamilton

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix.

"Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year."

Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Hamilton’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

"I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kubica’s name on," said a freelance journalist. "By the way, does anyone know how to spell Heikki’s surname?"

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

"That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race," said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. "The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race."

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly.

"The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any stories about Jenson Button," he remarked.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Karadzic trial seen as only first step in ridding world of evil practices

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine.

"With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science.

Karadzic is planning on conducting his own defence in a bid to dilute the charges against him. From killing 1 person in 5 in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica he hopes to spread the effect to a less barbarous sounding 1 in 500 of the Bosnian population as a whole. His defence team has, however, privately advised him that attempts to dilute further to a trace value of having ordered the slaughter of only one in three thousand of the Yugoslav population may be too strong to stomach.

"Mr Karadzic has announced that he doesn’t recognise the trial that we are starting," said Professor Billingsworth. "This is typical behaviour for peddlers of homeopathic remedies. They refuse to recognise any impartial trial of their techniques and instead want to stand a make polemic speeches about ethnic purity and water memory. These people must be stopped before they end up telling us that man walked with dinosaurs and that maps are evil."

Mr Karadzic himself is unrepentant and claims that the picture painted by a decade-long media campaign is biased against him and nothing like the man he actually is.

"The charges against me, that I committed crimes against humanity with my book of poetry ‘Under the Left Breast of the Century’ are unfounded," he said at the opening of his new Homeopathic Clinic cum cell at The Hague. "When I realised how many people had lost limbs due to my shelling of Sarajevo I proposed a humanitarian airlift of 20,000 bottles of 10C ‘Bellis perennis’ for them to dab on their stumps and grow new arms and so on. With a dilution of one litre of daisy juice to 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 litres water this shows exactly how much me and my fellow alternative practitioners care about human suffering."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Weston-super-Mare fire expert misunderstood “end-of-the-pier spectacle”


Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier.

“I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.”

The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was originally constructed in 1904 and had just undergone a multi-million pound refurbishment which the landmark event was planned to celebrate.

“You tell me that wasn't spectacular! Look at the result, everyone knows that pier really is well and truly finished now,” explained Billingsworth.

Kenneth Billingsworth, 58, was only recently hired by North Somerset council in an outreach programme to encourage older members of society with many years of experience to rejoin the workforce, and it is a policy that the local mayor thinks may have to be re-evaluated.

“Given that today was the first day on the job for our new pyrotechnics consultant and that by lunchtime we had lost our most significant tourist attraction” said a spokesman for the mayor's office. “It is fair to say our recruitment programme may need some review, but we will proceed onwards ensuring that there is no discrimination against those who have been unable to work for many years. Kenneth came with huge amounts of experience and a CV of previous fire related work as long as your arm.”

Mr Billingsworth, who previously went by the professional nickname of 'Kindling' due to his role in starting fires, echoed that the first placements by the programme may have some teething troubles.

“The day was great. It's been a few years since I have smelt that intoxicating mix of cold night air and kerosene. The screws kept me well away from that sort of stuff, what with all my previous.” he said from under a blanket as he was bundled into a police van, “I think they might need to re-think the programme though, especially as they have just hired my brother Tony 'The Spanner' for his many years of expertise in door-to-door insurance collection.”

When asked if the worldwide attention and the likelihood of serving a further five years in prison as a result of today's events, had deterred Mr Billingsworth from resuming his career, 'Kindling' was undaunted.

“You'll never stop me!” he shrieked through wire grating as he was driven through a mob of angry ice-cream sellers. “There will always be trouble when there is arson around.”

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Rare sighting of “Office Ninja”

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence.

“It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him several years ago, when a few of the girls claimed to have felt a breeze in the air as he went past but we weren't even sure if he still worked here. Of course it might just as easily have been a reflection or a trick of the light, since we can't quite remember what he looks like."

Whilst the mature Office Ninja is rarely seen, sometimes the juveniles are more easily spotted as they have yet to fully master the mystic ways of the Office Ninja and only inexpertly pass off their seemingly few tasks to harassed and overworked underlings.

Heard in the early afternoon, the Office Ninja's distinctive cry of “Just off to the other building for a meeting, I'll go straight home from there.” might be the only indication that one is nearby. Little is really known of their behaviour, although recent evidence has it that they are dependant upon Blackberries – which they use to leave short messages about repeated family disasters that mean the Ninja will, once again, not be seen in the office.

For many people the only time they may see such a rare specimen is when one of the older Office Ninjas is eventually made redundant, although this normally happens many years after they have actually stopped working.

“They are a peculiar breed in that whilst other more familiar beasts of the British office environment are emigrating to places such as India and the Philippines, the Office Ninja is becoming increasingly common,” said Professor Keith Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Behavioural Research, above the Metro Bar. “The worrying thing is that if you don't deal with them straight away they can become pests. What with their highly evolved ability to do fuck all.”

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Marathon runner dresses as “runner”

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route.

"I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit."

Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him.

"It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I was mad."

Mr Billingsworth’s wife, Simone, said that she thought he was insane to attempt to run over twenty-six miles in the outfit of a runner.

"I was worried he might get cold, what with not having the fur of a large teddy-bear costume or the sun-catching, dark garb of a Batman outfit," she said. "All the attention his outfit has been getting is embarrassing."

Not only did Mr Billingsworth not even doff his cap t tradition by the simple act of cross-dressing, he completely failed to take along even the most basic of marathon running equipment.

"I did get a few comments from people who wanted to know where my bucket to put cash in was, or why I wasn’t pretending to ride a large, blue ostrich," said Billingsworth. "But that just motivated me further to show all the doubters and do my talking through my times through each checkpoint."

Mr Billingsworth, a children’s entertainer and professional clown, said that his first round of sponsorship for the marathon dressed as ‘an average runner’ had so far raised over £3m.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society.

“I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.”

As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest.

“I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.”

There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might lead to outbreaks of looting.

“I am seriously considering deploying troops on the streets, “ explained Mr Mugabe. “I may have to send them in to raid my local branch of Rymans.”

The economic impact of the news may have far reaching consequences for other parts of the Zimbabwean economy and for the already fragile nature of the country’s money supply.

“It is important that the will of the Zimbabwean people is accurately reflected in this election. Such as by casting a retrospective ballot in my favour on behalf of millions of dead people,” said Mugabe. “To help with officials’ concerns and to be most efficient with such a limited resource, I have asked the Zimbabwean mint to copy the ballot papers straight onto million dollar banknotes.”

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author.

"I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something."

The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’.

"Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough."

Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over the decades.

"We may now think of Hobbits as little, jovial, carousing adventurers, but in this early manuscript it appears Tolkein had less affection for them, referring to them as ‘drunken short-arsed gits," said ‘Sailor’. "Instead of living in the ‘pastoral land of the shire’, they instead ‘wallow in the shite’."

There are references to the rich tapestry of the fantasy world back-story that has spawned an entire industry, although perhaps it would have been less successful had the original imaginings seen the light of day.

"The elves were so central to the battles throughout the history of middle-earth," said Billingsworth. "It is surprising to find that they were originally described as ‘those massed ranks of the tree-dwelling, pointy-eared twats’."

The manuscript was found hidden in an old medicine cabinet that is believed to have belonged to Tolkein during his distinguished professorship at Oxford, during the time he wrote ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’.

"I just opened the old cabinet and under several packets of ‘Mr Hollingberry’s Fabulous Powders’ were a couple of battered old notebooks full of strange drawings of dragons," explained the hopeful seller.

In addition to revealing some surprises about the origins of the saga of Arda the notebooks are said to also contain writing that was a complete break with Tolkein’s preferred ‘High Fantasy’ genre.

"There are some 25 recipes in there for a collection entitled ‘How to cook those Wild Mushrooms at the Bottom of your Garden’, said Billingsworth. "There is also a self-help book entitled ‘Write whatever you can remember when you wake up face down in your Mushroom Omelette’."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Delia to release even more basic sequel to “How to Cheat at Cooking”

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef.

The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!"

"Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendance," said the TV cook. "It was then that I wondered how the fans could find the time for fine cuisine and still get to the pub for a few liveners before the game. So I thought I would share a few of my secrets."

Delia said that she often had to knock-up a timesaving recipe using pre-prepared supermarket bought ingredients so that she could take her place at the player’s bar in time for the arrival of the ground staff at dawn.

"If I am running late, I save time by getting the cheesecake straight from Sainsbury’s," said the nation’s favourite cook. "I can let it defrost on the radiator at the Wetherspoon’s near the ground whilst I have a quick eye-opener before the game. And a go on the quiz machine."

Delia said that if it is a mid-week game then she has all the extra pressures of her busy media career to contend with and this can further reduce her time to prepare for the big match.

"When you are in a rush don’t be afraid of canned ingredients, they are something you can just get out and they save loads of time," she said. "After a hard day and a head long rush to the ground in time for kick-off I find that a can of Tennent’s Super on the bus acts as a good relaxer."

Many aspiring chefs wish to cook all their ingredients from scratch, however here Delia has a tip from her years of experience when trying to arrange a late night supper.

"Hopefully the Canaries will have won, and after a few swift halves in the player’s dressing room, it is time to head home. However it is usually late, and whilst there is nothing better for supper than the famous Flemish beef in beer dish - ‘Carbonnade de boeuf à la flamande’, this is a perfect example of how to cheat at cooking," she said, repeatedly. "I use pre-cooked meat from a kebab and I save even more time by not stirring the beer into the recipe itself, I just wash it straight down with a can of Kestrel Export."

Delia will be holding regular signings of the sequel, entitled ‘Cook by phone – Let’s be having you a takeaway’. Just take your copy along to the burnt-out Astra under the Carrow Bridge most nights after closing time at the ‘Queen of the Iceni’.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities.

“Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.”

Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years.

“He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for him at Northern Rock and he will also have the chance to get back to that revolutionary peasant lifestyle in the North East of England.”

Mr Castro has said that he is keen to get straight to work at Northern Rock, and will focus initially on revitalising a brand that has lost a great deal of it's credibility in recent months.

“Why-Aye man, we ha' tae tret the future of yon bank carefully, like. Somethin' that fits in with, like, local community would nae be too sackless. So summat like the 'Northern Rock of the Revolution' , 'People's Revolutionary Bank of Newcastle', or 'Comrade Brown's Glorious Co-operative Society', ” said Mr Castro as he descended the steps from his plane at Newcastle International Airport. “Mind, like, I divn't give a shite.”

Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work.