Sunday, August 15, 2010

Survey finds Ben 10 Ultimate Omnitrix “best educational toy this Christmas”

As retailers across the land attempt to convince us that they are reluctantly just satisfying the huge demand for Christmas sections in summer, a new survey has revealed the must-have new educational toys that will be available this year.

“The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.”

The survey, which all children taking the survey said should be “like really totally reported in next weekend’s Sunday papers”, was conducted by the children’s education specialist website, “”. It asked all visitors under 15 to rate the likely Christmas best sellers in terms of their educational value.

“I think that the Ben 10 Lego Swampfire will help me understand the environmental impact of the oil spill in Florida,” said Callum, aged 12. “And anyway Kyle hasn’t got it and will be dead jealous.”

Professor Billingsworth, hired to help newspaper Journalists, who may suffer from being Humanities graduates, fully understand the scientific background of the survey, said that in fact Ben 10 was by far and away the leading educational toy for years.

“Well the first 5 places have been taken up with Ben 10 toys. And places 6 and 8,” said Billingsworth. “The Big Chill Lego figure is especially educational at just £10.97 with free P&P.” celebrated the results of the survey by offering an Animal Welfare pack that includes the “My Little Pony Show Stable” for all purchases over £50.

“Christmas 2010 is going to be the most educational yet,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We have another survey that demonstrates the adult education benefit of an iPhone4. With unlimited text bundle.”

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Cluster-bomb loving “Axis of Apathy” forms between Iran, North Korea and USA

The 1st August 2010 marked a landmark moment in the progression towards a civilised world as the USA formed a bond with Iran and North Korea in their disinterest in banning cluster bombs.

“The USA of A, I say America, has always been the shining city on the hill for the world to look up to,” said Senator Harry “Tex” Billingsworthski. “And today, by aligning ourselves with North Korea and Iran, we send a clear message to the world as to how we view our responsibilities to civilians at time of war. Well non-American ones anyway. I say kill them all, let God sort it out.”

Today 30 countries other than the Axis of Apathy, including those with a proud history of tolerance and stability, such as Angola, Bosnia, South Africa and Germany all signed up to the Wellington declaration agreeing to ban cluster bombs.

“It is a proud, I say proud, moment for all, I say all, Americans, to be aligned with nations who have done so much in the cause of peace, freedom and tolerance. I say tolerance, such as Saudi Arabia or Iran,” said Tex. “Or Zimbabwe, I say murderous regimes.”

The USA, Iran and North Korea have increasingly shared common political viewpoints on matters such as a refusal to ratify treaties on Cluster Bombs and the International Criminal Court. Despite this, the USA is keen to insist that it is not to be considered a poodle of the other Axis of Apathy members and its support could not be taken for granted.

“Clearly we have a special relationship with Iran, for example, but they have gone their own way and signed up to the Kyoto Protocol, I say planet loving bastards,” said Tex. “It’s that kind of radicalism that means we might align with Somalia and Afghanistan in future. I say right-thinking nations.”

Critics of the USA’s approach to international agreements argue it is unfathomable that a nation founded on principles documented in the US Bill of Rights should arrive at the same conclusion as a nation founded on the cult of personality of a bouffant loving midget with an Elvis Presley fixation.

“There are great parallels between the USA and North Korea. We both force our schoolchildren to pledge allegiance to the state and we have both butchered mountains as permanent reminders of political ideologues, “ explained Tex. “The USA and North Korea have so much in common, I say war-mongering nuclear nutters.”

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