Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

A-Level Pupils Practice At Being Whiny University Students Following “Difficult” Exam

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates.

“Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.”

The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the curriculum that the pupils believe that they might have been taught in between texting each other, and indeed bore no resemblance to past papers. The complaints are being collated on the 21st century’s medium of choice for ineffectual whining, the Facebook group, where pupils claim they were screwed by shrews.

“I’d looked at some past papers and done lots of revision for this Biology exam,” said Callum Billingsworth in one of the few posts written in English. “Well I watched a whole series of Scrubs and some Grey’s Anatomy. There was nothing in those about removing hairs from shrews.”

The children are complaining about the obscurity of the questions on the OCR Biology paper and are also complaining that the questions were not clear as to the level of knowledge they were required to demonstrate.

“I really hadn’t expected that an A-Level exam would contain questions of such difficulty, or indeed questions,” said one of the few other readable posts. “The past papers that I looked at definitely gave the impression that writing my name nice and clear would pretty much guarantee me an A Star.”

Many of the examinees were worried that a bad result on this exam would leave them at a disadvantage when competing for places at universities with other students who are likely to hold at least 12 A Star passes at A-Level if previous years are any indication.

“I’m worried ‘cos I need to of got a good grade in biology,” said another poster. “It might make it harder for me to go to a top-ranked medical university and do media studies.”

Monday, January 25, 2010

TV debates de-railed by Party Leaders’ demands

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties.

“There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.”

Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s watch through a window during a mass debating session.

“The TV companies think they can accommodate David Cameron’s insistence that he only be viewed in soft focus,” said the insider. “Whilst Gordon Brown is requesting that the audience cheer every time he finishes a sentence by doing that thing with his jaw.”

Despite all the back-stage wrangling, the broadcasters and political parties are united in their understanding that what the British people want to see is an engaging and exciting spectacle that will enthral people the length and breadth of the nation. They know that the public wants to be glued to their seats for the full 90 minutes and cheering their side on as they push for the final stage of their quest for the ultimate prize.

“These Wednesday night match-ups will be a crucial time before the big finale in May,” said viewer Herbert Billingsworth of Trowbridge. “That is why I won’t be missing the Champion’s League semi-finals for any political debate.”

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Jesus Loves You - To Kill People With His Sniper Sights

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible.

“It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.”

The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles.

“Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His teaching, not in some heathen or godless manner.”

The company's product range includes the Christ Almighty Assault Scopes which boast “a compact low recoil optic ideally suited to delivering God's love in close combat situations” and the long range sniper scope Divine Retribution 300XL that “combines high specification zoom optics with a high intensity edge detection overlay to give you a range of over two kilometres to send the word of God from your trigger finger”.

The company said that it saw no reason why any of its products should not carry the word of God into battle, and denied that it was using the US government's military agencies to conduct its own Christian jihad.

“Messages such as 'Take Jesus into your heart' that is inscribed on the blade of our Calvary Cutter bayonet, or 'Burn in hell sinner' on the God is Love range of flame-throwers are important life affirming messages. For a few painful moments,” said Billingsworthski the Third. “As Jesus said – 'a man must look to everything in the land, and everything in the sky, and everything in the sea, and use it to construct the most efficient mechanism to deliver mechanisedl death for political ends'.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

As the 25th anniversary passes we try to remember life before the Sinclair C5

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era.

25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points.

“It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.”

Research has shown that most people, not just those born in the last quarter of a century - the so-called “C5ers” - cannot remember a time without Sinclair's ubiquitous marketing slogan “You never feel as popular as when you wake up with a crowd around you.”

Professor Billingsworth has studied the effect that the C5 has had on our culture, behaviour and the industries that have sprung up around it.

“You probably don’t remember when all drive-through take away places had the speakers and counters at stomach height? Now, because of the C5 they are all at knee height. Yet few people understand why,” said the Professor.

Professor Billingsworth’s research has documented testimonies from ten of thousands of people recalling their experiences with the C5 and how it has changed their lives.

“People tell us how they were liberated by the freedom the C5 allowed them,” said Billingsworth. “A freedom to explore anywhere within a 10 mile radius. As long as the weather is good, and there is no traffic. And the road is very flat.”

In our C5-centric society it is also difficult to remember a time before drive-in cinemas where young, panting couples can park near each other and recover from the exertion of overcoming the ramp into the car park. Wearing only their winter thermals and duffel coats they happily spend a romantic evening shouting sweet nothings through scarves and earmuffs across the gap between vehicles.

“We all have our own stories - of couples whose batteries run out 3 miles from home on dark, deserted lanes,” mused Billingsworth. “Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex in a C5?”

Sunday, January 17, 2010

FBI – more “aged” images of Osama Bin Laden released

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician.

Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Architects demonstrate faith in the strength of their buildings by hiring Sir Fred Goodwin

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy.

“RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a man who brought a 300 year old bank crashing down in less than a decade.”

Sir Fred has been out of work for over a year after leaving the Royal Bank of Scotland in such a hurry that he could smell the flaming torches that the chasing mob of irate shareholders were carrying. It was as CEO at RBS that he oversaw the effective collapse and nationalisation of one of the world’s leading banks.

“I want to show people that having no relevant qualifications need not hold you back from having a lavishly paid job in any given field,” said Sir Fred in between bouts of laughter. “I hope I can once again show that being an uncertified amateur in a profession can gain me another lovely, lovely, lovely pension.”

Architects RMJM said whilst the appointment may surprise many it was something that both parties had been moving towards for some time, and the nature of Sir Fred’s responsibilities would become apparent in the future.

“We're very impressed with him and he's impressed with us and the rationale for appointing him will become clear going forward," said Mr McBillingsworth. “As a proven wrecker we plan to use him in our demolition department.”

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson's face has been “brought upon himself by pact with Satan”

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil.

“Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was able to form The Christian Broadcasting Network, but ever since I have been cursed and disfigured by the hate I, as his face, have to channel for Pat Robertson.

“I, the face of Pat Robertson, am split down the middle. On the one side is a fuming torrent of intolerance, disfigured by 70 years of anger and hatred,” said the face. “And the other side is even more representative of a baboon's ass.”

The face of Pat Robertson went on to link other aspects of the life of Pat Robertson that others, less enlightened than his face would put down to being completely unrelated.

“You can't sit in front of this seething mountain of burning vitriol without being exposed to so many of God's truths,” said Pat Robertson's face. “For example Pat Robertson's real name is Marion, which is clearly a bit homosexual and is another reason for me looking the way I do.”

Monday, January 11, 2010

Minority Extremist Anti-Islamist Facebook Group Raises Profile Of Minority Extremist Islamist Group

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain.

“We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and wider then would otherwise be possible.”

The Facebook group entitled “More publicity for minority extremist groups that want to overthrow free speech” had been highlighted by the media as a key indicator of opinion for those members who wish to suppress the opinions of people who wish to suppress people’s opinions. Indeed so successful was it in shouting its opinion over others that the government was considering submitting to the carefully considered views of hundreds of thousands of bored people snowed in next to an Internet connection.

“We have been all over the news for the last week. We wanted to raise awareness that this group doesn't want people to say things that they don't agree with, to hold beliefs that they don't agree with,” said Billingsworth. “Something our 800,000 members have a lot in common with.”

The group said it was a mixed blessing that the Islamist group, whose desire is to impose upon Britain a middle-aged culture of oppression, had decided not to hold its proposed march through the streets of Wootton Bassett – a town that has become the de-facto centre for honouring soldiers killed in service of their country.

“Well the cancellation is a landmark moment for all minority attention seeking oppression groups like ourselves,” said Billingsworth. “But we have created a powerful movement. now we need to see what other cornerstones of British life we can stifle.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he is considering setting up a Facebook group calling for a vote of “no-confidence” in any government that bases policy on Facebook groups.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Snow chaos – how the UK has coped with the snowflake

Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”.

“I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth.

The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for Britain and what the impact of the snow has had on local and national services across the country.

“Apparently this snow is coming across from Eastern Europe,” screamed an editorial in the Daily Express. “We want to know why it was allowed into the country and who is protecting the interests of pure white indigenous British snow?”

The government responded to the criticism by highlighting the efforts it is taking to ensure that roads, schools and public services are available during the cold snap.

“We are radically re-thinking ways to ensure that schools stay open when there is a snowflake nearby,” said a government statement. “From 2011 all new schools will be built adjacent to shopping centres, since teachers and children alike manage to get to them when the schools are closed.”

The Daily Express also noted that whilst you cannot use a finite window of several thousand years of weather data from ice-cores to prove that climate change is a real and present problem, you can use the fact it has snowed two consecutive days in January to prove that there is no such thing as “Global Warming”.

Meanwhile in other news the Association of 4x4 manufacturers have ordered an urgent investigation into the designs of the leading models.

“We have sold millions of four wheel drive vehicles and yet look at the roads,” said a spokesman. “We test them in the Arctic reaches of Norway and on the dunes of the Sahara, yet look at this flat bit of road near a school, not one has managed to get here.”

The roads were not the only problem with the railways, of course, being completely incapable of operating near the snowflake.

“Well to be honest we were caught out by the snowflake which was of the wrong kind,” said a spokesman for Eurostar. “We were expecting a type called 'White Dust' but apparently this stuff is a kind known by its scientific name of 'train-knobber'.”

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

New game show attempts to drive contestants to suicide

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide.

“Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.”

Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor ‘Man O Man’ the new show, provisionally entitled “Men are Tossers” is to have several dozen women physically and verbally abuse a male contestant until he breaks down and commits suicide. ITV plans a big advertising slot for the break in-between its show-piece rounds called “Waxing” and “Dude looks like a lady” - the final round in which a section of the audience on a hen-night strip the contestant naked and force him to walk around with his genitals tucked between his legs.

“Our advertisers will love it, most of them already base their high-brow concept sales pitches on the idea that men are stupid,” said the mole. “This will put ITV back at the top – we are just waiting for the moment when one of the men slips that he leaves the toilet seat up – we have ordered the stun guns ready for the day!””

The programme is the latest in a series of steps by the troubled broadcaster to try and win back an audience that has found more enjoyment in multi-channel TV, the internet and the fun of sticking rusty forks in their eyes.

“We really want to maximise this programme and so have tied up with the Daily Mail,” said the source. “Anything that helps the female population to synchronise their blob-strops.”

Regardless of the success of this show ITV has been quick to deny that it has any plans to produce a version of the show where men set out to humiliate women.

“Oh no,” said the insider. “That would be sexist.”

Monday, January 04, 2010

China lambastes UK's Human Rights record

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London.

“It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.”

The Chinese list includes accusations that Mr Brown has been badly dressed, is a one-eyed simpleton, suffers from depression and emphasises the end of a sentence by making a face as though he has followed through.

“We are perhaps old fashioned. Unlike the sophisticated British press we in China do not expect our leaders to go on holiday and be photographed wearing a mankini,” said Birrings. “We would not tolerate our leader receiving such a level of abuse as Mr Brown faces. Although we are surprised that he has killed so few of his critics. Apparently none! Clearly Britain has a lot to learn from the Chinese.”

The British government denied that there was a systematic persecution of the Prime Minister, emphasising that he was as focussed as ever on the key issues facing the country.

“We need to rise above personality based politics, “ said a spokesman for Number 10. “Which is what accusations of ruining the economy, ill-equipping troops and ruining the Health Service are. The Prime Minister wishes to focus on policy matters, such as next year's X-Factor.”

The government moved to further refute any ideas that Gordon Brown was not being well cared for and that he was in good spirits whilst being detained in Downing Street. Sources say that he is expected to be released in May.

“We all have changes in moods,” said a spokesman for Number 10. “If everyone told me I was a wanker fifteen times a day for 2 years I might feel a little down.” The spokesman was then quick to re-iterate that any rumours of the PM suffering from depression were just part of a smear campaign.

“China has a long outsourcing history with Britain,” explained Mr Birrings. “If your PM does have mental problems just send him over here and we will execute him.”

We've been here before