Thursday, December 30, 2010

Police To Unveil Special Dog Walking Constables Branch Of Missing Person’s Bureau

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year.

“For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.”

In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier.

“Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr Scruffles and his four legged friends are much more effective. Although they do tend to chew the bodies’ fingers.”

The move has been welcomed by the Home Office which sees a dependence on members of the public’s opportunism as being key to the effectiveness of Britain’s remaining policeman on the beat.

“The Great British public has always played a key role in the location of dead bodies,” said a spokesman. “Whether that be dog walkers, long distance lorry drivers with their roguish smiles and mysterious rolls of carpet or the early more traditional early morning jogging murderer.”

The new “Big Society” approach to criminal investigations may also improve the breadth of searches for missing people, the Home Office believes, such as the case of a British boy who went missing in South Africa this summer.

“Certainly there is an opportunity to increase the types of searches and the success rates,” said the spokesman. “Normally all we ever see on the TV is people searching for pretty, blonde, female bodies.”

The increased usage of dog walkers will free up Police officers for more vital desk based roles in the hunt for missing people.

“We plan, over time, to transfer staff to our eBay missing person search group,” said Billingsworth. “They have had great success when purchasing old fridge-freezers that are padlocked shut.”

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Audi, BMW, Porsche Announce Immediate Recall Of Key Models

As Britain slowly recovered from a dump of snow the likes of which the country had not seen for at least the last 10 months of living memory, Germany’s leading car manufacturers announced an urgent recall of their 4x4 models.

“We don’t know what is wrong with the cars, but it must be fixed immediately,” said Helmut Billingzwerk of the Deutsch Verband fur Unsozial Automobile Idioten Besitzerinnen. “Despite all our testing in Norway and the Arctic, it seems our most expensive 4x4 models were unable to deal with a bit of ice on any road near a British school.”

The German manufacturers are responding to the continuing news footage of teachers unable to drive up the road to the local school when it is snowing and being forced to abandon their cars for hours on end in the multi-storey car parks of out of town shopping centres.

“It was such a nightmare for my little girls Cheryl, Colleen and Dannii, we just could not get into school as the ice and snow made it too dangerous. I expect,” explained Emma, a Porsche Ceyenne Turbo driver from Kent. “And walking that half a mile would have ruined their Ugg boots so instead we had to take refuge in the Bluewater.”

The German manufacturers are particularly concerned about the many thousands of their customers unable to get to work due to the poor performance of their expensive cars.

“We know for a fact that many people were unable to get X5s out of their drives and up gentle inclines,” said Billinzwerk. “The Daily Mail website comments section was full of stories of those unable to get to work and it was all because of being unable to drive on the snow, apparently.”

The Confederation of British Industry said that the inclement weather meant that teachers alone were currently underpinning the recovery in the British economy and urged the DVUAIB members to remedy the failure of their 4x4s as soon as possible.

“The British motorist has invested heavily in these huge, expensive, inefficient oil burning 4x4s that take up so much of the road,” said a spokesman. “It really would not be good news to find out that they are incapable of dealing with any adverse road conditions and would make their owners feel like the total twats that they resemble.”

However not everyone gave up at the slightest appearance of snow, many people opted to make use of their always-on-broadband lifestyles to stay connected to their workplaces without leaving home.

“I took one look out of the window and saw the snowflake straightaway. I immediately phoned my boss – who was stuck on a motorway in his Audi Q7 – and told him I was going to work from home,” explained a Sussex train driver.