Friday, January 30, 2009

Everyone in Britain to be turned into hate-filled, venom-spitting imbeciles by 2012

The government’s newly announced policy to ensure every home in the UK has access to broadband Internet services will hasten the day when the entire country is filled with screaming morons hell bent on abusing each other and themselves into frothy-mouthed oblivion.

"Britain already has a large number of abusive web-surfers that lead the world in swearing content creation," said Culture Secretary Andy Burnham in his statement to the commons. "We need an infrastructure capable of preparing Britain to compete with the multi-phobic insanity that will increasingly be served up by the international Internet community. How else can everything be blamed on the gays?"

The government is concerned that, whilst Britain’s online community can hold its own in the all-out self-abuse stakes, the future will be about spreading conspiracies by online video generation. This is an area in which the paranoia-fuelled xenophobia of US Internet users currently excels.

"We need lots of bandwidth, Britons should not be waiting to upload some badly researched movie to YouTube to tell the world that everything is under the control of Mossad. We all know there is nothing worse than having your porn suddenly pause mid-stream whilst you are right in the middle of the chimp impression." Mr Burnham told MPs.

The government also said that as the credit-crunch bites in the coming years the UK economy will increasingly become dependent upon buying and selling online as much as traditional economics.

"Without a world-leading digital infrastructure Britons risk have their bids "sniped" on Ebay with mere seconds to go," said the Culture Secretary. "For an economy based upon used dressing-gowns, ALF alarm clocks and Farrah Fawcettt posters, bandwidth will be vital to secure the next 10 pack of Whiskers cat food for the childrens’ lunches."

David Cameron, an innovative technology adopter who reaches out to the online electorate through his Webcameron video journals, disagreed that the government’s proposals amounted to anything new.

"Brown is a totally lame looser," the leader of the opposition wrote in his blog on conservatives.com. "FAIL!!!11! What a gay sweaty-sock fucktard."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Do you go to the loo, to do a poo? Then this is for you!

Yes, for those of us that regularly use a toilet and whilst sitting there wish to read a satire on many aspects of are lives, or at least how we used to live last year, then this really is what you have been waiting for - The World As It Should be - Volume III. Nestling within this book, designed especially for the smallest room are 160 warm and absorbent pages of news satire covering politics, crime, technology, celebrity, journalism, health. In fact all of the things you see in the category cloud on the right of this very page!

For those of you, your majesty, that of course sit on throne for entirely different reasons, this book is also perfect for those trips on the royal train.

For those lucky people who never actually go to the toilet, supermodels that normally throw-up their food for example, it is also perfect for bus journeys.

For those of you who have abandoned paper, there is an
electronic version to download to your portable device and read in the loo. Personally I think you are pushing it a bit since even the wipe clean front of an iPhone isn’t that absorbent. I shudder to think of the consequences for you or the machine of using a Blackberry.

So
GET IT NOW before the puppy drags it across the landing: - The World As It Should be Volume III.

Also available are
Volume I and Volume II – for satire of a bygone age.

All print and electronic versions are available at Lulu.com

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

New medical condition known as “publicist’s balls” discovered

The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s.

"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."

Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.

"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."

"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.

Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.

"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."

Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.

"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."


Monday, January 26, 2009

Radical broadcaster Sky News comes out of hiding - from behind Auntie’s skirts

The world’s leading source of news from Rupert Murdoch today slipped a press release out from under the BBC’s protective skirts and admitted that it wasn’t prepared to show the Gaza appeal for humanitarian aid either.

"Sky News has reviewed the DEC appeal and can confirm that there is nothing in it about Rupert Murdoch or his interests," said a spokesman for Sky News. "This is a question of being absolutely impartial in our output and we simply aren’t."

The announcement was met with headlines and opinion from other News Corporation sources, a selection are given below:-

  • "Israeli attack on Gaza - undamaged Murdoch empire requires no aid" - The Times
  • "Gaza residents - Free Sky Plus box with every dish installed on your rubble." – The Sun
  • "BBC boobs reveals Sky’s tits" – News of the World
Sky took its decision like the responsible broadcaster it pretends to be by featuring reports on the BBC’s decision not to show the appeal and by loading Sky’s website stories with people’s outrage at the BBC.

"We aren’t expecting many people to demonstrate against our decision," said the spokesman, "Few Sky subscribers can get off their sofa on a January morning, and fewer still are capable of walking a few miles."

Sky News today held an impartial interactive survey asking it’s red-button thumping viewers "Is Sky News right to follow the BBC? – vote "Yes" or "No the BBC is wrong".

However one of the Sky News crack news reporters said that she did not understand why there was so much debate given the past record of the subject matter.

"I don’t understand the fuss," said lunchtime news anchor Kay Billingsworth. "I mean does Gazza really need the money so much, maybe he should just stop drinking."


Sunday, January 25, 2009

REVIEW : Writer tries out new voice recognition software oh lovely, two sugars please

After several months reviewing voice recognition software as a productivity that was Lady Ga Ga and Just Dance, next up we have aid the results have been mixed at best. Indeed this review is being dictated using Take it Down Ultimate Edition from Billingsware.

Can you turn the radio down love? I am trying to write the review. Now where was I?

Computer operations, such as starting programs and minimising windows are straightforward enough although it can be surprisingly cumbersome to use the phrase "minimise Word" when a simple mouse click will suffice. Bugger Word’s gone now, maximise Word.

Care must be taken with accents although the software does have a "native" setting that appears to be Geordie. This means that you can get access to the Start Menu with "Haweh", open Internet Explorer by saying "porn" and send a file to the recycle bin by shouting "shite".

Our experience of voice recognition software has been generally good, although even after many months of "training" it can still suffer from confusion over homophones. This can result inn recognised text being scattered with watt appears two be spelling or grammatical errors requiring extensive manual editing get down Tiddles, I’ll feed you in a minute, which somewhat reduces its efficiency as a tool.

However it is undeniably cool to have the words simply pop-up on the screen as you let the flow of conscious mess conscience ideas simply take there their own path to the page and it definitely frees the mind to really focus on the subject at hand god her mother really is fat.

For best operation use only in silent environments – you may have problems in a crowded office.

Most of the software on the market can be configured for sound levels, dictation speeds and can have "safety words" added so that the recording can be stopped immediately. Care must be taken to avoid the chosen word being uttered by mistake.

Below is an extensive explanation 35 point how-to for optimising the configuration. Sorry for the length but we think the detail will help users get the most out of the software.

1 – Changing the safety word to fruitbat

Friday, January 23, 2009

Man with woeful credit record successfully obtains £100bn mortgage despite the Credit Crunch

A man from Westminster with an extremely poor credit record successfully secured a mortgage despite the tight credit restrictions imposed by the high-street lenders. The man who has only lived in his current residence for about 18 months was able to secure the loan with the help of some 30 million guarantors.

"To be honest I expected it to be harder," explained Alistair Darling. "But in the end all I had to do was put up the nation’s schools and hospitals as collateral. They are now mortgaged to the hilt."

Mr Darling said that the £100bn would be given to the high street lenders so that they could lend it back to his guarantors, and to stave off the threat of unemployment.

"It’s bad enough having a Jock as a neighbour," said the MP for Edinburgh Southwest. "I am not going back to being a back bench MP. I can’t understand a word my constituents say."

There have been questions about how a scheme based upon charging people to borrow their own money would work. Mr Darling dismissed the criticisms as the proposals have been thoroughly vetted by Zimbabwe based accountants MC Escher.

"It’s like that thing about going back in time and killing your grandfather," said the Chancellor. "Basically I borrow from Peter to give to the Bank of Paul to lend to Peter. As Peter pays it back to the Bank of Paul it is paid back to me and in theory puts Peter back into credit. Or something, have you got a question on sport?"

Asked what would happen if the people receiving the loans from the banks that received the loans from the people borrowing the money fail to pay the money back, the Chancellor was overcome with a blank look.

"Bugger me, it hurts my head to think about it, so I try not to," he said after a lie down. "Apparently if Peter fails to pay the Bank of Paul back, then the Bank of Paul goes into debit against Peter as well. Peter then must foreclose on the Bank of Paul and absorb Peter’s debts as his own – which they are and are not. I imagine he will just turn up at his own home with a couple of mates take his own telly and beat the shit out of himself."

Peter from Doncaster disagreed. "It is more likely is that I will turn up in Downing Street with some flaming torches and a hate-filled mob," he said. "I am about a week away from having to eat cold dog food. And Sainsbury’s own brand at that."


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

United States begins its 25th “new era of change” since the early 20th Century

Following the inauguration of the USSA's new King, millions of ordinary Americans wait expectantly to embark upon the latest, and greatest, era of change since the last one eight years ago.

"I have been to so many inaugurations, so many eras that have changed America," said Harvus Billingsworthski III, a resident of Washington D.C and a keen supporter of President Barack Obama. "'Change we can believe in', to me is the most believable of the eras of change. Although 'Reformer with results' was a powerful message from 2001, but that was a different time, after the sour end of the previous presidency."

Harvus, a retired steelworker and local political campaigner said that it is openness to change that makes America so great.

"I was here to hear Clinton talk about 'People for a change' and that really got to me," said Mr Billingsworthski. "Of course the country was struggling with a wrecked economy, so many people lining the parade who had lost their jobs, looking for hope. You know millions of Americans didn’t have any form of healthcare back then. But that was seventeen years ago."

Indeed the America of 2009 is also a very different country from that of 1976 when Jimmy Carter, the ‘Leader for a Change’ embarked on a programme of reforms. In the seventies the US was racked with energy problems, spiralling fuel costs, rising unemployment, suffering from a crippled overseas image and being on the brink of war with Iran.

"Of all of the important messages the President has to give, he has to tell us how things are going to be different, and how we are never going to return to the old ways. I was only a child when I stood here, watching FDR be sworn in. March 1933 it was. A glorious sight, him in this wonderful top hat in the open top limousine, his wife by his side," said Billingsworthski. "We have come so far since those dark days. Back in the thirties we had a totally collapsed financial system, huge unemployment and millions without any form of healthcare."

Today the spirit of the people lining the streets of Washington and watching the televisions of America has been lifted to an enthusiastic, almost ecstatic level as a great man leads a once great country through a new era of change for millions to believe in. For many it will be their first era of change.

"Mind you inauguration days are one thing, but he has to start work tomorrow," said George from Texas, who was recently let go from his job in Washington. "In 18 months my fellow Americans will probably just think of him as a deceitful-do-nothing-political-establishment-big-business-serving twat like me and turn to the next one of my family who has good hair."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

God: “Pleased to be back in the game” after Hudson River crash

After a long time out of the limelight God said at a press conference today that He was pleased to be back in the game and administering to the faithful after His triumphant last minute saving of the passengers of US Airways Airbus A320 flight 1549.

"I was a touch nervous at first, you know, can I still play at the top level? You have to have some doubts after such a long time away," said the Almighty. "However I was just pleased I was able to come off the bench and make a difference, save a few souls. This was for the fans that‘ve had so much faith in Me. The American fans are awesome, man."

The Lord was speaking in response to several commentators, such as Senator Charles Schumer, saying that it was a miracle no one was killed when the 70 tonne plane hit the freezing water of the Hudson River in New York and giving thanks to God.

"Well, I can’t take all the credit, because you know I was only in the game for the last couple of minutes," He said. "If I had been able to be involved from the start I might have blown the plane and the flock of geese apart, or maybe made it a glancing blow on the fuselage. A goose can break a man’s engine you know. A bit of the credit has to go to the pilot, and all the training the aircrew have. And the ferry crews. And to Airbus, they sure built a good plane! But yeah, I saved the day. Woo! Yeah!"

God then opened the floor to questions and was asked why He delayed His return so long. He was asked if He should have been involved with the XL Airways Airbus A320 that crashed into the Mediterranean killing all on board, or the Spanair Flight JK 5022 from Madrid in which 154 people died as well as the hundreds of other accidents over the years.

"Well, you see I am married to every nun, " said God. "And that means I always have a load of Shelves to put up."


Friday, January 16, 2009

Heathrow plans new 3rd runway on the River Thames

Planning agreement has been reached for a new third runway for Heathrow airport and, in a surprise compromise with campaigners to protect the nearby village of Sipson, the new runway will be laid out in the waters of the River Thames.

"Following recent trials with an Airbus A320 in New York’s Hudson River, we are pleased to announce the location of Heathrow’s third runway will extend westwards from the Isle of Dogs," explained BAA spokesman Gregory Billingsworth. "The planes will be able to drift to the new arrival gates at either Greenwich or London Bridge, depending on the tide."

However the plan has already met with protests from celebrities who have new movies to promote.

"I am trying to buy a piece of the river under Tower Bridge to try to save the historic water from having a large plane splash onto it," said a dishevelled Emma Thompson who had just finished walking from Los Angeles to London. "It is madness - the damage that will be done to the pristine, natural environment of London by introducing a third runway and also what will I look like in the tabloids, my hair goes all frizzy when it is wet and yellow lifejackets just aren’t my colour."

BAA said the planned river runway showed the airport’s continued desire to be part of Britain’s world class integrated transport network.

"How much more integrated do you want? There is a regular clipper service running up the river which connects with train services," said Billingsworth. "Sure your luggage may be returned to you soaking wet and covered in silt and any fish in your cases will have to come out of your baggage allowance, but it is a huge improvement upon Terminal 3."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Is Johnny Ethnic too sensitive about so-called “racist” language?

Whilst Prince Harry’s usage of the phrase "our little Paki friend" and referring to "ragheads" took place three years ago it now transpires that Prince Charles and his former polo-pony Camilla continually refer to an Asian friend as "Sooty" and rarely a day goes by without Prince Philip using the term "dego, slant-eyed, chink, wap of a paki-wog curry-eating paddy" when referring to the Prime Minister.

"I think the question for Britain to ask herself is whether or not the time has come to re-evaluate how we refer to people from the colonies," said language historian Sir Hillary Billingsworth. "It is not what you say, it is how you say it. For example people from Pakistan object to hearing the term ‘paki’ because they are aware it comes with the silent suffix ‘bastard’ whereas Australians happily respond to ‘aussie’ because they are too dense to understand the implied add-on ‘git’."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was this subtlety that made the English language the richest in the world but it was sophistication lost on those foreigners that claim it as their first language with seemingly many Britons also failing to understand.

"Those that are apologising for the Royals simply don’t grasp the beauty of unstated menace," said Billingsworth a professor at the Jeremy Kyle University. "Whilst American tourists smile at being called ‘yanks’ by a darling cabbie charging them £150 for the apparent two hour ride from the Houses of Parliament to the London Eye, via Heathrow, they need to understand the prefix ‘stupid fat’ goes without saying."

The same he said was true for the lower orders – ‘thieving’ was a given when used with the friendly term ‘scouser’ and paddies should be aware of the ‘drunken’ and ‘git’ brackets that readers of the The Telegraph see written between the lines.

"I want to make it clear, this isn’t xenophobic, racist or even class-based, it can apply to many other things," explained Sir Hillary. "For over half a century the suffix ‘twat’ has been applied to the phrase ‘Daily Mail Reader’."


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Emma Thompson prepared to fly to Hollywood, so you don’t have to

Hollywood star Emma Thompson added her support to the campaign to ensure that you are as sweaty and stressed as possible at check-in by helping to purchase a small piece of land to block the expansion of Heathrow airport.

"Travelling across the world is not something for the ordinary public, they are hardly ever photographed at the airport," said Ms Thompson, star of the Chicago based film ‘Stranger than Fiction’. "Everyone should think about the environment as much as I do on the long-haul flights to LA for the Oscars."

The Hollywood star said that she was prepared to fly as often as her career needed to ensure that other people did not have to suffer the pangs of conscience of contributing to Climate Change through their travel habits.

"Really, everyone should just stay at home and watch my DVDs. I am prepared to fly to Hollywood as often as possible to ensure that there are plenty of DVDs in the shops," said the star that uses exclusive VIP areas at airports. "We will fight the Heathrow development, even if we have to farm turkeys. No one wants to see another series of my sketch show ‘Thompson’ do they? No? Ah Well."

Other stars have joined the Greenpeace campaign - that aims to control where UK citizens travel in the world - by contributing to the purchase of the football-pitch sized piece of land.

"My career is largely UK based, and so I am more than happy to restrict everyone else’s freedom to travel," said impressionist Alistair McGowan waving a spade threateningly. "Anyway, I haven’t been on TV much recently so a spot on the news might be good. I can do David Beckham you know."

Greenpeace said it welcomed the assistance of the high-profile celebrities and believes their commitment was more than just naïve attention seeking from stars whose films have included locations in Morocco, Venice and New York.

"They are really in it for the long-haul – pardon the pun," said Ernest Billingsworth, a Greenpeace spokesman. "Emma has a lot of empathy to bring to the cause, which she demonstrated when filming ‘Imagining Argentina’ on the streets of Buenos Aires – however she got there."

It is understood that Ms Thompson is planning to construct an environmentally sound cottage on her patch of land near the planned Heathrow extension. Building of her ecological ‘Sanctimonium’ will commence as soon as she has got over the long walk back from presenting at this week’s Golden Globe ceremony in Los Angeles.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

David Cameron: “Tories would inspire confidence in ordinary hard-working Conservative members of the cabinet”

The leader of the opposition, David Cameron, today expressed his belief that the Conservatives would be able to "wipe the slate clean" and help promote economic recovery.

"Well frankly the Cameron economy would recover quite splendidly, the PM gets about £190k a year!" explained Mr Cameron, "I only get about £130k a year now from the state, so that is an increase of, well. I will ask my old Buller man Osborne, he is good at numbers."

Mr Cameron stressed that it wasn’t just his own personal income on which he was focussing, There are, he said more wide-ranging benefits to the UK economy from a Tory government.

"When I said I supported New Labour spending plans, and then changed my mind and said I didn’t, well I was being entirely consistent. What we don’t need to do is cut-back on chauffeur driven cars, flights around the world and dinner with important people," said the leader of the opposition. "The taxpayer only gives me about £600k a year for that. And most of the people I meet have never heard of me."

Mr Cameron said that it was the ordinary taxpayer that would benefit most from a Conservative government but that they should not expect it to be in the form of a cut in taxes or slashed public spending.

"The average hard working Britain needs hair to aspire to. Look at mine, it is shiny and can part in either direction. Think what I can do with an extra 50? Thanks George, 50% per cent salary? I could have highlights," said the former thirsty Oxford Bullingdon Club member. "The important thing here is to make sure that spending on things such as ministerial pay, overseas heads of government meetings and so on are kept up as that will inspire confidence in Prime Minister David Cameron. Oh yes, people in New York will know who I am when I am called that.

"In fact, while we are on the subject of substantive political issues and economic policies," he continued. "You know you can have a big, centralised style that no one likes and that doesn’t change, such as Gordon Brown’s, or you can have something that changes with the wind, flip-flopping from the left to the right as needed to make me look appealing. The same is true of my hair."

Friday, January 09, 2009

Cristiano Ronaldo pleads “the tunnel should lose its licence”

After the Portugal and Manchester United superstar, Cristiano Ronaldo, wrote off his Ferrari a statement released through his solicitors called for the tunnel to receive the strongest punishment possible.

"My client, Mr Ronaldo, wishes to make it clear that he was making a clean pass through the tunnel at thirty miles per hour," said Archibald Billingsworth QC, speaking on behalf of vast quantities of cash. "From nowhere, and without provocation the tunnel came right across my client’s car causing it to spin wildly and roll along the carriageway at least a dozen times."

The European Player of the Year called for greater use of instant CCTV replay by Greater Manchester Police and the prosecution of the Italian sportscar manufacturer, Ferrari.

"My client would also like to request for future use of instant CCTV replays," said Billingsworth. "If they had been used by officials they would have seen the blow to his face that he sustained from the 599 GTB’s airbag."

CCTV footage that has been released shows Mr Ronaldo leaving his wrecked car clutching his head and chest before kneeling down and pleading with traffic police that the tunnel should be cautioned.

"I would also like to take this opportunity to state that whilst my client did initially complain that he had a fractured skull, had lost 15 teeth, had sustained 42 broken ribs and a broken leg," said Billingsworth. "He found 10 seconds after emergency services arrived that he was in fact perfectly fine and able to proceed on with his day as though nothing had happened."

The CCTV footage shows that Ronaldo received the support of fellow motorists. Many drivers of red cars stopped and screamed abuse at the tunnel wall and shouted to a local policeman to state that his parents were not married at the time of his birth. Those in blue cars simply appeared to make "wanker" signs at the Manchester United midfielder as they drove past.

A spokeswoman for Manchester United said that the club had been in contact with their player to provide counselling.

"We spoke to Cristiano and told him to be thankful the incident happened in England, since the tunnels in Spain are much more dangerous, the walls are in fact harder and the whole thing probably smells of wee," she said. "So it’s best he doesn’t sign for Real Madrid."

Following the spectacular performance Greater Manchester Police have signed a £120m deal for live streaming of their traffic camera feeds on ESPN Asia.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Debate on existence of God won by sticker on the side of a bus

A large atheistic sticker which reads "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" on the side of a bus was today awarded the Nobel Prize for Debate after yesterday winning the coveted Oxford Student Union Red-stripe of Argument following its successful denunciation of religious faith.

"It has taken thousands of years and millions of deaths arguing over whose manmade image of a possibly extra-worldy force was better and we have never reached a conclusion. Until now," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, the somewhat erratic behavioural psychologist from the Jeremy Kyle University.

The sticker finally won the debate when it was taken to the Advertising Standards Agency by Christian Voice, an institute for well-meaning people to support each other’s irrational views that preach about how complete strangers should live their lives and teach their children.

"There is plenty of evidence for God, from people's personal experience, such as when they are shouted at by religious people in the streets, " said Bill Worthings a spokesman for a religious think tank. "Just look at the complexity, interdependence, beauty and design of the natural world which is having the shit bombed out of it in the middle-east by two groups of God’s children earnestly debating over which flavour is best."

The debate - as to whether or not God exists, what kind of God He is and why He creates all the nasty people, events and evil in the world - has baffled those who fail to see irrationality as the only means of explanation. However most rational commentators believe complaining to the ASA is an admission of defeat.

"There is scant evidence that God doesn’t exist," said Worthings. "It’s not about what is written on the bus, one must look deeper and peek inside the bus. All of the faithless struggle with Soduku, or Crosswords, whereas anything a believer doesn’t understand, he just fills in the word God or a variation. Job done, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Now let us imprison the gays."

The sticker was not available for comment, although there are persistent rumours that it will replace Rufus Hound as the blue team’s captain on the TV programme "Argumental".

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Thousands queue for latest Apple breakthrough – the iDiet

News that Apple founder Steve Jobs has lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time has prompted, rather than quelled, speculation within the Apple community. Thousands of customers have posted on Internet forums and Twitter that there may be more big announcements to come.

"I hope it is the iDiet. There were a lot of rumours about it at the last MacWorld," said Geraldine Billingsworthski from San Fransisco. "I have been waiting for this for years. I need to get down to about 300lbs and an Apple iDiet would be the best on the market."

Speculation is rife at the last Macworld, this year, that Job’s gaunt and thin appearance at last year’s Macworld, was due to a new breakthrough.

"It is clear that Apple have been working on something big, and this talk of the iDiet is something that many Apple geeks are getting steamed up about," sweated technology commentator Mr Bloggy as he ordered a pizza on his iPhone. "And we know the success Apple has had with making things smaller, just look at the iQueue."

There has been talk that the iDiet will include all of the features of the market leader, Weight Watchers, with the portability of the Slimfast series of protein shakes. But costing at least £250 more.

However commentators are pointing to the recent announcement that in fact Steve Jobs is suffering from a hormone imbalance and that many people desperate for the iDiet may be better off buying a real apple for lunch.

"If it is a hormone imbalance, then perhaps the iDiet contains iGender transformation functionality," gibbered Miss Billingsworthski. "I would be up for that, although standing to pee seems like hard work."

However Gartner’s latest forecasts say that if anything the publicity will boost Apple’s presence and probably lead to a short-term increase in it’s stock price, just like the iGimmick did. Gartner says Apple’s fundamentalist fans are even speculating about Steve Job’s non-appearance at Macworld

"The latest buzz is that we won’t see Steve at Macworld because the iDiet includes iNvisible technology," said Mr Bloggy. "Although I think talk of the iGender is madness, I clearly want to see the iNvisible when it appears."

Monday, January 05, 2009

Manuel to join Coronation Street – Jonathan Ross to make a guest appearance?

Veteran sex talk expert Andrew Sachs, most famous for receiving details of his granddaughter’s sex-life in filth laden voicemail messages, today announced that all the publicity he garnered from having voicemail enabled on his phone has landed him with a role in Coronation Street.

"I have been absurdly busy since this whole Ross business, " said the actor famous for shrinking from all the attention by standing outside his house and talking to any journalist within yelling distance.

Friends of Sachs, who was popular in the seventies for saying "Que", said that he hoped that he could do for Jonathan Ross what the segment on Russell Brand’s radio show had done for his career.

"He’s in discussions with Granada TV about Ross having a cameo," said a show business pal. "It’s a shame that Georgina didn’t bend over for Brand a few years ago, Andrew might have had more work."

It is not known whether Sach’s shy and retiring granddaughter, Georgina Bailli, will also get a role in the show.

"It’s all about getting the right part. There has been some talk of Ken Barlow visiting a dominatrix to be treated as her slave," said the pal. "This is something that is right up Bailli’s alley – if you pardon the imagery."

However scriptwriters are struggling with the believability of anyone from Greater Manchester being able to afford the £110 an hour asking price.

As for Sach’s role itself, all concerned are remaining tight-lipped – unlike his granddaughter. There are rumours that Weatherfield’s first phone sex-line may soon open for business specialising in talk of Germans, psychiatrists and rats.

"I know Andrew wants to say thanks to all the raving Daily Mail readers who complained," said the showbiz pal. "Before they all die from exploding veins in their temples."

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Watercliffe Meadow refuses to call itself a school – instead it will be “a place for idiots to pretend to be teachers”

A large building full of books and desks and children in Sheffield has opened amid controversy after it refused to call itself a school because negative connotations associated with working at a school might hold back the careers of those grasping wannabes trying to climb the greasy educational pole.

Linda Billingsworth was formerly the head teacher at the large building full of books and desks and children but who now prefers to be known as "Office dweller with the biggest car". She has defended the decision saying that learning is about the role of education in the community and preparing children for life in the real world.

"Take what used to be called mathematics, that has all sorts of negative connotations of being able to add up, do vectors, or differentiation. All of which I found very difficult at school," explained Billingsworth. "So we renamed maths, and now the young people have regular Soduku Theory lessons instead, and they are really helping me along – I can do the intermediate puzzles with only a little help from the year 7s."

Ms Billingsworth said that she wanted to take all negative connotations away from the Watercliffe Meadow Place For Idiots To Pretend To Be Teachers, and instead give her staff more opportunities to really get to the heart of education.

"If I just called you an English Teacher, people would know what you do and what standards are expected of you," she explained. "However if I called you an Operative for the Expansion of the Young Person’s Mind all you know is that these people should be on the upper pay scales within the education authority."

Ms Billingsworth said that she wants to use the experience gained at Watercliffe Meadows Place For Idiots to Pretend to be Teachers at perhaps some of the nation’s leading educational establishments.

"I would consider a role at one of the grown-up places such as Oxford," she said. "But really it would have to be called the Cherwell Uber-Foundry of Ultimate Genius. At the very least."

The change has been difficult to absorb in many areas of the community. There are reports that the road outside the large building with children, desks and books in it has had several accidents due to cars skidding on the many gallons of paint used to indicate what used to say "school".

However there are supporters of the renaming approach. A school in South East London has renamed itself the "Thamesmead Academy For Drugs and Knifing".

Thursday, January 01, 2009

250th post - Review of 2008 with Jimmy Carr

When I started this site back in 2006 I had little idea where it would lead. I assumed that it would get only a few million hits a day and from it would come book, TV and movie deals, stints on chat shows talking about whose grand-daughter I slipped a length to this week, and probably a knighthood. Little did I know how far from the truth that would be.

However, 2009 beckons and as it does, so does this, the 250th story on the site. Therefore without further ado Jimmy Carr brings you the "Surreal Scoop Clip Show" aka "Best of Surreal Scoop 2008", aka "Top 50 Stories From An Arbitrary Date Range".


So, without further ado, he charges by the hour, take it away Mr ... Jimmmmmmy ... Caaarrrrr!

Thank you everybody, JC here, it's great to be on this site, programme or newspaper article!

January

The year started well, what with the hilarious Norovirus leading to a load of references to defecation and breaking wind as Britons felt the heat down under :-
"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added."
But on a lighter note there was a heart-warming tale of a quest for the truth from the Pakistani investigation into a high profile assassination:-

“We needed more experience, maybe more forensic and technical experience that our people don't have,” said President Musharraf. “Most of the education in my country takes place in madrasas, but there the students only learn twisted interpretations of religion, their real-world science knowledge is literally medieval. So even a British child and a second-hand chemistry set off eBay would be a great help.”

As Christmas died down and people headed for the sales there were the two surprise best-sellers for children in the form of the re-launched Re-hab Sindy and the Globe of the USA.



The month known to the enlightened Victorians as "The one after January" saw political upheavals and the start of the credit crunch when it was announced that after a long illness Cuban President Fidel Castro was to step down and take over at Northern Rock.

"Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work."

Finances were again in the spotlight when Sir Paul McCartney's divorce hit the news, amid the revelation that McCartney had offered to conduct the settlement under Sharia Law.

The two, finance and politics, were brought together when, amidst allegations of corruption, MPs voted to move the House of Commons to the Virgin Islands.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

Healthy eating become the big news topic in March, with Delia Smith launching an even more basic "How to Cheat at Cooking" sequel.

"When you are in a rush don’t be afraid of canned ingredients, they are something you can just get out and they save loads of time," she said. "After a hard day and a head long rush to the ground in time for kick-off I find that a can of Tennent’s Super on the bus acts as a good relaxer."
And of course the ground-breaking research that resulted in the identification of LRDY the Fat Gene Enabler

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth."

April is typically a time for hilarious spoofs and side-splitting parodies. So there were no stories on Surreal Scoop.



May
There was nothing happening in the world in May, which is why I am having to use some of my own material. But then I am an expert at filling out these list shows :-

"I was probably reading the autocue on that show, '50 Things To Do Before You Die' when It occured to me that the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'."

Surreal Scoop was back on top form in June with the news of a Rare Sighting of an Office Ninja.

"For many people the only time they may see such a rare specimen is when one of the older Office Ninjas is eventually made redundant, although this normally happens many years after they have actually stopped working."
I have never met Ei2g, the author of this site. After all he can pay me by bank transfer whilst I am reading the autocue on 'Top 50 Cheese Night'. However he tells me that he is often mistaken for Radovan Karadzic. Well I am hoping that Ei2g is not the victim of mistaken identity in the first steps to ridding the world of evil practices, or I won't get this gig next year - so to keep him sweet - some more from me, Jimmy Carr.

"Old Radovan is accused of war-crimes and setting up concentration camps, my Grandad died in a Nazi concentration camp, he fell from the watch tower."


More hilarity ensued as hundreds of people panicked and were in fear for their lives when a Ryanair plane actually made it into the air.

"We are pleased to announce the introduction of services to Barcelona Limoges airport in central France," said Mr O'Leary. "Limoges offers travellers the opportunity to visit the heart of rural France and sample transcontinental rail travel and an overnight stay on their trip to one of Spain's leading cities. This makes it by far the most convenient of Ryanair’s direct flights."


But of course it was the Olympics that took centre stage, with the news of the Faking of Boris Johnson and the promise that London 2012 can beat the opening in Beijing which only had one stabbing :-


"There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teenage Mums’ will be a sight to behold," explained Lord Billingsworth. "All over the world, hairs will be raised on the backs of viewer’s necks by the chanting of the Islamic Fundamentalists and those in the stadium will leave into the dead of night with their spines tingling after the macabre ‘Cabaret of the Hoodies’."

Continuing the sporting theme, Surreal Scoop paid tribute to the newest F1 Superstar.

As the credit crunch bit home hard, Russia felt short-changed after bankrupting itself during the Cold War only to see America give up and just became a communist nation after all:-

"This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cancel their caviar orders. I am commanding each and every hard working American to rise up and underwrite every single dubious and morally hazardous decision
that they have made," said the President sporting a new red-star lapel pin-badge."

But the world (well as seen through Surreal Scoop - I don't understand the fixation with men with big helmets) was really obsessed with the ongoing difficulties that Formula One was having in ensuring Ferrari won. :-


"The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast."
Ah yes, and Surreal Scoop hailed the latest and greatest F1 talent ever.


Not much happened in October, there was something going on about Sat-Navs and outdated references to public figures. Ei2g should really buy a copy of heat magazine and keep-up. But Michael Jackson was denying a desire to get in touch with himself as a child and reform the Jackson 5. So as I am a pro something from the Carr Archive (that'll be an extra £34 plus VAT).


"I'm not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden."


Seems bugger all happened in November. No wait, just at the last moment a story happened to combine modern classics describing the Brave New World and wanking :-


"Given the number of sperm in the average ejaculation we actually only need one donor to populate Britain with citizenry of the right calibre for generations to come," said Bokonovsky. "And many people think Number 10 is occupied by an iconic wanker."

December
Well here we are at last, at the end of the year. Which is handy as a car is here waiting to take me to the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards for a corporate I am getting £15k for. Just time to list out a story about Barack Obama being British and new devices for disinterested parents.

"I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting."

Thank you Jimmy! An excellent run down, with no references to big-boned skeletons or being forced to dress up in women's clothes - so no internet searcher will find this!

There is just time for one small piece of breaking news about the situation in the middle east. The United Nations has announced that Israel's relentless bombing of Gazza is disproportionate. After all he did was get drunk, beat his wife and release a dreadful record about the fog on the Tyne.