Tuesday, December 25, 2012

CNN Desperately Searches For The Receipt For Piers Morgan

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan.

“It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.”

When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts.

“To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingsworth. “And the Morgan doesn't play well with others, does it? Very disruptive.”

After some embarrassment the disagreement was eventually resolved when Britain agreed to see about exchanging the Morgan for a Philip Schofield, the deal fell through when, despite searching, it transpired that no one had seen Piers Morgan at CNN for some time.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Friday, December 07, 2012

Gwynedd Council Rejects Israeli Plans For New Settlements In Golan Snowdonia After Computer Simulation

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park.

“We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.”

The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself.

“Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improve the road network around Dolbenmaen to allow for the new border checkpoints.”

An emergency meeting of the council cabinet took additional submissions and statements from those affected by the Israeli proposals, which included a new community library, affordable key-worker housing and the installation of a battery of the Israeli Defence Force's 'Iron Dome' antimissile systems.

“We don't want to be seen as negative, the idea of facing the 'separation barrier' around the town with local slate was well received,” said Councillor Billingsworth-Jones. “But perhaps the minefield around the children's play area less so.”

The council emphasised that it was with great regret that they had to turn down the Israeli application but it followed a thorough review of a 3D model of the proposed Golan Heights Snowdon development.

“We had several extensive simulations made. First using Minecraft and then a particularly compelling submission using Call of Duty – Owen the War edition,” said Billingsworth-Jones. “Whilst we thought that the exploding buses and constant helicopter raids need not necessarily have a detrimental effect on existing property prices, we are concerned about the inevitable devastation of the rural economy that would be caused by the proposed Tesco Superstore.”

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Phillip Schofield victim of unfounded accusations of journalism

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron.

it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.”

The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:-
  • The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course
  • That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie.
  • The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education?
  • His brother.
  • Or maybe sister.
  • Just checked and the EveshamTileShowroom discussion forum users say it was both the brother and the sister.
  • Thinking about it Gordon wasn't very old, so maybe me too.
  • That one who wasn't gay until he was. You know, the one who wore that hat. It's on his wikipedia page.
  • Or was it a scarf?

Co-presenter Rachel Billingsworth has repeatedly apologised on air to anyone who had been upset by the item being featured on “This Morning”.

We understand our viewers were not expecting to encounter real-world issues and, rest-assured this won't happen again, the programme will revert to only showing cooking items following by slimming tips, as normal,” said Billingsworth “So, text in if you want us to show Richard Madeley doing that Ali G impression again? Remember we have already picked the result but you will be charged for the text regardless.”

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lucas Secures Star Wars Legacy For Future Generations Of Duvet Covers And Lunchboxes

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation.

“I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen. 

Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe.

“We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation of Chewbacca in the character of Baloo the Bear.”

Existing Star Wars actors where said to have mixed reactions to the news.

“Opportunity for film work again, it is. Good that is.  Although dead I am care about Star Wars integrity I do,” said former Jedi and now telecommunications salesman Yoda, 800. “Although not so dead phone sales targets hit I cannot.  Judge iPhone 5 by its size do you, hmm?”

Disney hopes the £2.5Bn deal will enable the production of more movies on an almost annual basis.

“We certainly see the potential to explore the early life of some of the characters further, such as Luke Skywalker’s school years, and the significant formative events of his life,” said Billingsworth. “We are looking forward to realising on screen the musical number during which Luke uses the force to help Aunt Beru tidy up.”

There was a further surprise announcement at the end of the ceremonial signing of the contract when George Lucas announced that there would be a Special Edition DVD of the press conference in which it is clear that Disney signed first.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Daily Mail Wants To Know Why Newsnight Didn’t Use TARDIS To Stop Paedo Savile

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death.

It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:-
  • Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital
  • Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs
  • Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood

Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:-
  • a serial paedophile
  • a powerful media mogul able to squash any sort of accusation decades after he left television and radio. And indeed after he had died
  • a close cohort of IRA terrorists which stopped us telling everyone he was a paedophile - although now we think of it the IRA link is probably a story we should have followed up
  • making his necklaces and rings made of the finest Nazi gold
  • unable to account for his whereabouts on 23/11/1963 when telltale smoke from a long instrument, fancifully thought of as a rifle by many but now probably his cigar, was spotted on the Grassy Knoll in Dealey Plaza
  • supplier EPO to Lance Armstrong. Why not?
  • forcing the Greek government borrow huge sums of money. We are all getting screwed there
The real travesty, however, is that for forty years the BBC had a well known medical expert, Dr Who, on the payroll and even after Savile was dead failed to use the TARDIS to go back in time and prevent the perverted DJs reign of terror.

“The BBC and George Entwistle are clearly negligent in not using the TARDIS to answer my very important questions about who authorised what forty years ago,” said Peter Billingsworth, MP (Con) (Twat).

Oh and some bashing about license fees and lefty bias.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Monday, January 16, 2012

Agony Aunt - “I am a closet cross-dresser”

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages.

Dear Fi,
I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public.

First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children.

Dearest Martin,
Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 team they are based in Milton Keynes and have been since 1996 when they were formed as Stewart Grand Prix, before passing through Jaguar to RBR.

So, just as Force India claim to be from the sub-continent but have been based in Silverstone since 1991 as Jordan, you wish to dress up as woman to reveal how you really feel about yourself. So I say go for it. Surprise the wife and kids at breakfast to find you in a nice casual summer dress. Don’t forget to shave your legs!

If you want to take your transformation further, perhaps, progressing towards surgery and finally becoming a woman, then take your example from Mercedes. They dress their car as German in their Brackley, England base, but they have no shame in grabbing their throbbing powerplant from just up the road in Brixworth and using it as a stressed member.
Auntie Fi

We've been here before