Tuesday, June 28, 2011

US Financial Crisis Averted As Religious Political Nut-Job Production Increases

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

Monday, June 27, 2011

Manager Of World’s Biggest Factory Visits Britain And Promises To Buy More Stuff Made In His Factory

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British.

“Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.”

China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment.

“We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?”

With workers in western economies increasingly under pressure from cheap off-shore labour, the Chinese are said to be very keen on encouraging a business model similar to that of the newly re-launched MG car manufacturer.

“Ah yes, under British Leyland you had very expensive local communists that made bad cars,” said Mr Wen. “Now for MG we have very cheap Chinese communists that make anything you tell them how to do. The only striking in my country is done by the back of the supervisors’ hands.”

Mr Wen was introduced to some British shopkeepers as the historic town sweltered under high summer temperatures.

“He is the manager of the factory were everything I sell is made isn’t he? He seemed very nice,” said haberdasher Herbert Billingsworth. “He said that it was very good to see me sweating in my shop, it reminded him of home.”

Mr Wen was quizzed by reporters on the subject of human rights, a subject many in the west are keen to turn a blind-eye to as long as they can still get a great TV for £500. However Mr Wen said that it was important that China and the UK work closely together to ensure a common understanding of basic freedoms.

“In particular I was asked about child labour, and I think that yes, Britain should definitely have as much as possible, ” said the Chinese Premier. “It saves parents a fortune at Christmas as their children don’t want to take their work home with them.”

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Michael Gove Urges Parents To Replace Pilots In Planned Virgin Atlantic Strike

Education secretary Michael Gove today continued the government’s theme of everything being one big charitable effort by suggesting that any parents faced with summer-holidays being cancelled by the planned Virgin pilot’s walkout should step into the cockpit and fly the planes themselves.

“It would be great if the wider aeroplane community could help with making sure that flights left on time,” said the Education Secretary. “I shall write to the airline and tell them there is nothing to stop airlines dropping all those training regulations if it means the planes can stay in the air.”

The Education Secretary is keen to emphasise that it is vitally important that everyone in Britain focuses on how we can all serve each other, for free, out of the goodness of our hearts.

“I had the idea just after I suggested that parents could replace striking teachers in classrooms,” said Gove. “You know these jobs can’t be that difficult, it’s not like these people are government ministers or anything.”

Mr Gove emphasised that a lot of fuss is made about training and “whatnot” saying that if we all pitched in we would soon get the hang of it.

“I am the country’s foremost authority on education, after all, and I have achieved that in only a year, ” said the Education Secretary. “And let me tell you something, I didn’t need fancy qualifications to become the leading expert on education! My background is in the arts – life true experiences - the stage dear-boy, that is where the real hard work is.”

Gove also asked if parents could fill in to replace the likes of Coldplay or Beyonce when Glastonbury takes a fallow year in 2012.

“And if the creation of the branch or Roman Catholicism called the Ordinariate means there is a shortfall of Church of England priests then I will intervene personally,” offered the education secretary. “I can lead any congregation, after all I played a Chaplain in A Feast At Midnight, luvvy. The show must go on!”

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Louis Walsh Angered Over Claims He Spotted Talent In Dublin Night-Club

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”



After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”