Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rapture Failure And Risk To Society Warns That Society Still At Risk But To Keep Sending Him Money

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders.

“God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.”

Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them.

“If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a second job,” sympathised the Pastor. “And remember Family Radio International accepts credit card payments and post-dated cheques.”

The Pastor was speaking during a broadcast on his Family Radio International ministry - whose slogan is “Predicting tomorrow is Judgement Day since 1988”. During the broadcast he claimed that he had once again re-interpreted the literal Word of God.

“Of course, as a fundamental literalist we can never speak figuratively,” said a ministry statement. “But a 5 figure donation would attain Bronze level on our Savedness Plan.”

Many have criticised Pastor Camping as simply having wasted his life hoping that every day for 23 years will see the death and destruction wrought by the vengeful love of the big Sky Wizard, as predicted by Iron Age men some 2000 years ago. Others say that his ministry is testifying as to the infinite compassion of Christ.

“We can’t give compassionate refunds on donations, unfortunately, the ministry can barely get by on its $122m of assets,” said a spokesman. “Anyway, the ministry isn’t a charity, unless you are from the IRS, when it so obviously is.”

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Spartacus Denies Rumours Of Being The Latest To Take Out A Super-Injunction

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed.

“I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.”

Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers.

“Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.”

The rebel leader, who either perished in the final battle with the Roman legions of Crassus in 71BC, or was crucified shortly thereafter, has said that he wants to remain out of the limelight as much as possible but is also keen on the truth being told.

“One thing you can say about me, I don't need to hide behind court rulings, because hundreds of my followers will declare themselves as being Spartacus to obstruct the authorities anyway,” said the Thracian warrior. “However, if the inevitable remake of the 1960 film about me is to be made, I would like Ewan McGregor to play my part, although I don't know who would be Antoninus for the close combat scenes.

“Oh, one more thing, Sir Fred Goodwin definitely failed as a banker.”

Friday, May 13, 2011

Child Neglect Expert, Kate Mccann, Overjoyed At News Of The Re-Opening Of Madeleine Case

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old.

“We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.”

Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance.

“The Sun is right behind the McCann's, we have been serialising extracts from Kate's book, but not the bits about us publishing stories such as Maddie 'died in holiday flat', claims they wanted £1m compensation or our story about her being snatched by a paedo-ring in 'Madeleine McCann is in America – and I know who took her',” boomed the 'newspaper'.

The continued hope is that the abductor is a fan of Lorraine Kelly.

There is apparently no truth to the rumours that upon receiving the instruction from Downing Street to re-open investigations, Child Protection officers were despatched to investigate why the McCann's left three children aged 3 and 2 years alone whilst they wined and dined with friends.

“Of course everyone wants Maddie to be found safe and well after spending 4 years in the care of a kidnapper,” said a source close to the case. “But that would mean re-uniting her with the parents who preferred a well-deserved night-out after 3 years looking after their daughter before she came to any harm.”

Friday, May 06, 2011

LibDems Considering Selection Of New “Self-Serving Bastard”

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power.

“The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister."

It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link.

“Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely sure that we could really stitch the fucker right up.”

The operation to despatch Clegg was hatched following intense negotiations conducted last year when the terror leader Clegg held an entire country paralysed with his demands of imposing LibDem law on the UK.

“Un-elected despots like Clegg will always try to claim that what they are doing is for the good of the people, that they are giving the true democracy,” said a democracy protestor outside Colonel Clegg’s palace in Cowley Street, London. “Now everyone can see that their ideology and using female maths to calculate 50% was just a self-serving way of getting what they want.”

The revolution in Britain has finally exposed the LibDems ideology, and the people are now free from the endless propaganda messages of “fairer voting”, “joining the coalition in the interests of the country” and “Lebensraum”.

“An expected front runner to self-appoint himself Deputy PM would be Vince Cable who used to be such a safe pair of hands,” said an insider. “But now with Vince you can never be sure he won’t shit in his own hat.”

Monday, May 02, 2011

Pope John Paul II Beatified For Miraculous “Saving Of The Paedophiles”

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints.

So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:-

The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any compassionate organisation would have given him a bath chair, a bag of Werther's Originals and a DVD box-set of that nice “Antiques Roadshow”. However he worked for the Holy See so could expect no compassion.

The next important stage is that a total cult must be found to support the cause of those whose fans want to win the title of Saint. If the up-and-coming saint is believed to have lived a life that is at 11 on the holy scale then Rome might decide to call them “venerable”. His followers will be called “vulnerable”.

The Vulnerable supporters of their favourite Catholic will then begin searching for evidence that a miracle has been performed. The “beautification” of evidence needs to show that the miracle was specifically contrary to earthly laws, such as John Paul II's leadership in the Vatican facilitating moving paedophile priests to alternative parishes, rather than reporting the criminal offence to local law enforcement.

There needs to be two miracles – that is things that can be attributed to the proto-saint that defy rational explanation, here we would include John Paul II’s discouraging of people from using condoms in AIDS infested areas of Africa by stating that “they don’t work”.

After your cult has had your past inspected and beautified by the cult of the Church of Rome, and you have been proven to have broken earthly laws then, and only then, can you be made a saint. This rigorous process, using purely subjective criteria derived from the mistranslation of partially complete, heavily edited texts passed from generation to generation through word-of-mouth and illiterate story tellers, before being committed to heavily edited documents of dubious provenance that are nowadays found only as incomplete texts, awaiting the inevitable reboot, is rounded off by the arbitrary decision of the pope. The current pope is a straight-right-arm-saluting enthusiast who believes that places like the UK contain sinful levels of equality.

We've been here before