An open letter condemning God for the mysterious manner of His behaviour and the impact it is having on the reputations of senior community members was published today in several notable newspapers, including the London Chronicle and the New York Herald and was notable in being signed by authority figures from religion and popular culture.
“We felt that we had to express our disappointment at the lack of action that He is taking in terms of the behaviour of His followers,” explained Father Chris Mass, the group's spokesman. “It's all very well maintaining an air of mystery but we feel that the constant lack of guidance given to His followers is now starting to reduce the effectiveness of other figures of dubious provenance, such as myself.”
The letter says that whilst God (also known as Yahweh, Jehovah or Allah) is accepted as being omniscient and aware of all sins, and has historically favoured mass collective punishment in the manner of floods, fire and plagues, He has remained silent over the past two millennia. This has led to much heated speculation on subjects as diverse as: which of the sets of supposed 'Ten /commandments' is canon; whether it is correct to offer your daughter's virginity to settle debts or placate a mob; and if the VIP area of paradise does indeed bestow the prophets and martyrs 72 virgins each for their efforts in enhancing the believer/non-believer ratio in a given community.
“I take my work very seriously,” said Father Mass, “I make a list and I always check it twice, even though I know what all the children are doing all the time. Then, at the end of each year I can give them their behaviour reports – a toy if you are good, a lump of coal if you aren't. This leaves the children that believe in my method in no doubt as to where they stand.”
The Tooth Fairy said that she also felt that God's silence will not only affect the reputations of all figures of dubious provenance but would reduce her authority as a punisher of bad behaviour.
“I give regular feedback on the behaviour of younger children, in terms of the value of their milk teeth that I leave under their pillows, “ said Ashley Nymph.
“I am aware, like Father Mass, that as time has gone on children are ceasing to believe in me at earlier and earlier ages. Clearly without faith I am nothing . However today's child believers are tomorrow's adult evangelists and moral guardians. If God persists in leaving adults with no feedback as to how they are behaving one can only assume that they might stop believing and start letting each other live in peace and harmony in this life.”
“Despite my annual performance review for every child, delivered at great personal risk of alcoholism and high cholesterol I might add, children just aren't that concerned that their behaviour has consequences,” said Father Chris Mass. “They are getting their gifts elsewhere I think. I blame the parents myself. But in the future who is going to condemn homosexuals and pray to be teleported up to a celestial temple when the rapture comes? It's political incorrectness gone mad, I say.”
The letter suggests that God has a 'Duty of Care' over His adult charges and that He should fulfil His role as the signatories fulfil their duties for children. It is this work, the letter states, that leads people to express more evidence for the existence of Father Mass and Ms Nymph than for the Lord Himself.
“His believers are struggling to fit the entire fossil and geological record into a six thousand year old time frame,” added Ms Nymph. “If He doesn't provide some guidance soon, people might start to think it unbelievable that one man and a boat saved two of every species - whether herbivore or carnivore and whether water, ice or land based - from a large flood.”
God, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, were unavailable for comment however numerous people claiming to be their spokesman all dismissed the letter as preposterous, despite several of them claiming not to have read it in the first place.
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