Wednesday, May 18, 2016

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union.  With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron.  “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson.  “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed.  We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

We've been here before