Sunday, December 13, 2009

“I Am Not An Oddity” Says Man In Flowing Gown And Sandals

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities".

“If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.”

The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land.

“We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to have beards too,” said a government spokesman. “The men are no different either.”

Dr Rowan Williams believes that it would do no harm for political leaders to be more open about their faiths, and indeed points out that the leaders of the three main parties all have a very strong moral sense of some spiritual flavour.

Leading Mumbo-Jumbo commentator, John-Paul Billingsworth, said that in Britain it has never been part of the political landscape to be open about your religious faith, should you discover that you are so afflicted.

“Political leaders have huge moral issues to contend with. They have their finger on a nuclear arsenal of Armageddon, control over the economy, they have huge influence in how our children are educated, and how we might be helped in a medical emergency,” said Billingsworth. “British people have traditionally veered away from men in the street who proclaim guidance from a big sky-wizard or middle-eastern cave dwellers, let alone put one in number 10.”

The Roman Catholic Church says that selective quotation from the canon of guilt, shame and objectifying women is what is needed to make religion appealing to people with any semblance of rationality.

“This is the approach we are taking to entice Anglicans who don’t approve of women bishops to come over to the Holy See. Basically we are saying they can still shag girls,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Maybe if we had tried something similar in Ireland priests wouldn’t have taken such an interest in the choir boys.”

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