Sunday, July 31, 2011

Slain Libyan Rebel Commander And Humanitarian Gen Abdel Fattah Younes “car trouble led to missed meetings about murder”

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble.

“From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.”

Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars.

“I remember once, in about 1975, Younes had an old Datsun Cherry. Allah, praise be upon him, that thing was a wreck. We had just finished discussing which airport we should sneak the bomb for Pan Am flight 103 onto and were moving the agenda on when the General arrived, he was all hot and flustered,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He arrived in time for the discussion on the new irrigation project, but missed out on the decision to load the bomb on at Frankfurt due to having flooded the car's carburettor that morning.”

It wasn't just arriving late for high-level meetings that Younes suffered due to his bad luck with cheap cars, it also caused problems when he was due out on operational missions.

“I remember when one of his elite death squads had been deployed to eradicate a pocket of counter-revolutionaries in 1987, he got there about 30 minutes after they had just finished clearing the bodies out of the orphanage, “ said the Butcher of Benghazi. “He arrived just as Gaddafi gave free 'meat' to starving local farmers. Younes blamed that on having to wait for AA Homestart to get him going.”

Sometimes it wasn't just arriving late, on occasion the peace loving leader of revolutionary murder missed key military decisions due to having to leave early to pick up his car.

“In 1995 he had this battered red Ford Fiesta and just before we were scheduled to discuss supplying arms to the IRA Younes had to leave,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He said he had to make sure his car passed its MOT that day as he needed it in the morning to take medicine to some orphans.”

Rumours persist as to the circumstances surrounding General Younes' death. Some believe an Islamic fundamentalist infiltrated his inner circle while others maintain that he was en route to a hospital to donate a kidney to a dying peasant when the brakes on his 20 year old Toyota Corolla failed.

“Well, he was a great friend and his funeral will sadly pass without any foreign state representation,” said the Butcher. “Mainly because William Hague wouldn't know us if we slapped him in the face.”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Trends For Autumn / Winter Fashion “Dresses / skirts, trousers, maybe blouses, definitely tops of some kind. And shoes. But mostly sweatpants.”

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street.

“Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!”

Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down.

“But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!”

There are rumours that this year’s round of fashion will include something to be worn above a skirt, some sort of top if you will.

“I think that is very likely, it may be a blouse, or a chemise, even a shirt. Tee, or otherwise. But how many sleeves will it have? We just don’t know yet. It’s just totally quixotic,” claimed one magazine editor. “Actually it will be two, the tops will have two sleeves.”

The key demographic for fashion of both sexes is largely those people who wish to wear clothes although the shoe market is polarised along gender divides.

“Since time began men’s fashion has been dominated by men having soft feet and having to walk on rough or even wet terrain and wanting to prevent their feet from damage,” said one fashion historian. “For women it is the opposite – it is madness to consider buying a pair of shoes that you can wear for longer than you could walk barefoot over broken glass.”

However the fashion industry has revealed that it fears for its future, as the key 16 to 25 year old female demographic seems to have very individual tastes that are not being catered for by the major labels.

“Yeah, well I just want to dress like a badly dressed boy. You know grey sweatpants or maybe something that looks like pyjamas when I am out shopping or spitting, or in court,” said Bekkkki 23. “Basically something that is hard wearing and doesn’t show the cider or piss stains.”

Friday, July 01, 2011

Indestructible Bot-Net To Be Bundled With Future Versions Of Windows

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform.

“Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.”

The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times.

“We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least four reboots and half the available hard disk space.”

However industry analysts have observed that it is unlikely that Microsoft’s quest to formally integrate TDL into the next update to Windows will go unchallenged by the other big online players.

“We are pretty sure that TDL’s purpose is the acquisition of personal data for its creators to sell on at lucrative rates,” said technology analyst Mr Bloggy. “That is basically the mission statement for Facebook – although there the criminal activity is the stupidity of Facebook users.”

Investigators around the world are keen to track down the developers of TDL in the hope of gaining not only a better understanding of the gangs behind the software and what they might be using it for, but also to ask if they could help configure the office printer.

“It is a huge, complicated system that we are at a complete loss as to how it actually works,” said Billingsworth. “Look, it says it is ‘ready’, but then insists on wanting ‘letter’ via the ‘envelope feeder’ – whatever that is.”