Thursday, December 30, 2010

Police To Unveil Special Dog Walking Constables Branch Of Missing Person’s Bureau

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year.

“For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.”

In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier.

“Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr Scruffles and his four legged friends are much more effective. Although they do tend to chew the bodies’ fingers.”

The move has been welcomed by the Home Office which sees a dependence on members of the public’s opportunism as being key to the effectiveness of Britain’s remaining policeman on the beat.

“The Great British public has always played a key role in the location of dead bodies,” said a spokesman. “Whether that be dog walkers, long distance lorry drivers with their roguish smiles and mysterious rolls of carpet or the early more traditional early morning jogging murderer.”

The new “Big Society” approach to criminal investigations may also improve the breadth of searches for missing people, the Home Office believes, such as the case of a British boy who went missing in South Africa this summer.

“Certainly there is an opportunity to increase the types of searches and the success rates,” said the spokesman. “Normally all we ever see on the TV is people searching for pretty, blonde, female bodies.”

The increased usage of dog walkers will free up Police officers for more vital desk based roles in the hunt for missing people.

“We plan, over time, to transfer staff to our eBay missing person search group,” said Billingsworth. “They have had great success when purchasing old fridge-freezers that are padlocked shut.”

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Audi, BMW, Porsche Announce Immediate Recall Of Key Models

As Britain slowly recovered from a dump of snow the likes of which the country had not seen for at least the last 10 months of living memory, Germany’s leading car manufacturers announced an urgent recall of their 4x4 models.

“We don’t know what is wrong with the cars, but it must be fixed immediately,” said Helmut Billingzwerk of the Deutsch Verband fur Unsozial Automobile Idioten Besitzerinnen. “Despite all our testing in Norway and the Arctic, it seems our most expensive 4x4 models were unable to deal with a bit of ice on any road near a British school.”

The German manufacturers are responding to the continuing news footage of teachers unable to drive up the road to the local school when it is snowing and being forced to abandon their cars for hours on end in the multi-storey car parks of out of town shopping centres.

“It was such a nightmare for my little girls Cheryl, Colleen and Dannii, we just could not get into school as the ice and snow made it too dangerous. I expect,” explained Emma, a Porsche Ceyenne Turbo driver from Kent. “And walking that half a mile would have ruined their Ugg boots so instead we had to take refuge in the Bluewater.”

The German manufacturers are particularly concerned about the many thousands of their customers unable to get to work due to the poor performance of their expensive cars.

“We know for a fact that many people were unable to get X5s out of their drives and up gentle inclines,” said Billinzwerk. “The Daily Mail website comments section was full of stories of those unable to get to work and it was all because of being unable to drive on the snow, apparently.”

The Confederation of British Industry said that the inclement weather meant that teachers alone were currently underpinning the recovery in the British economy and urged the DVUAIB members to remedy the failure of their 4x4s as soon as possible.

“The British motorist has invested heavily in these huge, expensive, inefficient oil burning 4x4s that take up so much of the road,” said a spokesman. “It really would not be good news to find out that they are incapable of dealing with any adverse road conditions and would make their owners feel like the total twats that they resemble.”

However not everyone gave up at the slightest appearance of snow, many people opted to make use of their always-on-broadband lifestyles to stay connected to their workplaces without leaving home.

“I took one look out of the window and saw the snowflake straightaway. I immediately phoned my boss – who was stuck on a motorway in his Audi Q7 – and told him I was going to work from home,” explained a Sussex train driver.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Demonstrators In Dublin Ask “Why Is 2010 Unique On The International Begging Front?”

Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Dublin asking why after 37 years of handouts the government has decided that this year is the time to reign in spending.

“What’s the craic with all this talk of balancing the books, and spending only what we earn?” asked Patrick O’Billingsworth. “We have been getting a couple of billion a year from the EU all my life – what is so different now?”

Many protestors see the current situation as just an extension of three decades of Dublin policy by begging for a few extra billion Euro.

“Looks like our number’s are finally up, on the Eurobillions draw! Ah, to be sure, we’re the loveable Irish so everyone is happy to pay for us,” said O’Billingsworth. “If they know what is good for them.”

Despite the so-called “Celtic Tiger” boom being brought to an abrupt halt when Ronan Keating announced he was moving to Dubai. The government in Dublin was only forced into action after years of running huge deficits by the realisation that Terry Wogan really has retired.

“Ireland here is the victim, always, now what was the question?” explained Taoiseach Brian Cowen. “The people of Ireland have to understand that an economy based upon dancing without moving your arms is unsustainable. Now, give us your focking money!”

However it is felt by most that the Irish gravy train has finally hit the buffers and that it is up to the people of Ireland themselves to resolve the current crisis.

“Perhaps we Irish do need to live within our means. I am proud to have been born in Ireland and it is still the greatest place to live in the world,” said O’Billingsworth, from his regular stool in a Liverpool pub. “I’d live there myself if I wasn’t a victim of something or other. Can you lend us a couple of quid for another Guinness? Give us your focking money!”

It is to the millions of Irish patriots that have lived all their lives in the UK and America that the country may now turn to restart it’s failing economy.

“Tourism is one answer, since everyone loves the Irish. Don’t you! We are the victims here, remember,” said Mr Cowen TD. “We have a promotional campaign at foreign international airports offering Dublin for a fiver. You can own the city of Cork for another Euro if you bring your family.”

The current Irish government is under increasing pressure after having its majority reduced in the Dail to two, following the loss of the Donegal SW constituency to Sinn Fein.

“This is a clear statement that Ireland’s economy is looking to Sinn Fein for financial expertise,” said a masked activist at the count. “We will raise the revenue required by being able to draw on latent reserves in kidnapping, extortion and world-class knee-capping.”

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Scotland To Push For Its Own Time Zone

Extract from “Time for Scotland” – available on the SurrealScoop Player:-

The time is now 1825.

As once again the clocks go back across the UK leading scientists and sociologists are campaigning to end the practice of moving back onto GMT for the entire country. They cite the benefits for both individual well being and road safety of having more daylight in the evenings. We are joined today by one of the leading campaigners for reform in this area, Professor Scott J. McBillingsworth. However Professor McBillingsworth would rather Scotland have its own time.

Interviewer :
Professor McBillingsworth welcome to “Time for Scotland” and may I start by saying that is a very interesting shirt?

McBillingsworth :
Nay, it's no a shirt, it's ma pyjama top, I got dressed in the dark. Forgot to put ma clock back didn't I? Living in England as most Scots do I find it is a complete inconvenience to put the clocks back just to appease highland farmers who don't want to milk in the dark.

Interviewer :
Well, you wouldn’t want to milk a bull by mistake.

McBillingsworth :
Quite. But why should the rest of the UK suffer? After all farmers can fill in their EU milk subsidy applications at any time of the day.

Interviewer :
And so Scotland should be free to set its own time?

McBillingsworth :
Indeed, I suggest that because of the northern latitudes, its needs are separate from the rest of the country and it should indeed be on its own time compared to England.

Interviewer :
And by how much?

McBillingsworth :
Well I think the clocks in Scotland should be advanced to 1827.

Interviewer:
Advanced? But that is the time now!

McBillingsworth :
The year 1827, it would be a bit of an advance, but I think Scotland is ready to handle the 19th century.


Friday, October 22, 2010

Royal Navy To Be Redeployed To Defend The Serpentine

Following the Strategic Defence and Security Review that identified cyber-terrorism as one of the key threats facing the country in the twenty-first century it has been announced that the remaining Royal Navy ship will be moved to patrol the key waterway of the boating lake in Hyde Park.

“We feel this has many advantages for both the country and the Navy in maintaining operational effectiveness,” said Rear Admiral Horatio Billingsworth. “Myself and the remaining sailor can save on tube fares by sharing a flat near the Admiralty.”

Billingsworth would not comment if the new austerity measures would extend to diplomatic trips abroad and include room sharing with the Foreign Secretary.

The Royal Navy has emphasised that as part of the move, full operational effectiveness of the central London carrier will be achieved by re-equipping with a combination of air-sea helicopters and attack pedalos.

“The reduction of the surface fleet to a single ship based at an artificial lake in central London may look like an extreme measure,” explained the Rear Admiral. “However it will be bolstered by the submarine fleet that will continue to provide a vital nuclear deterrent by being beached at key locations around the British Isles.”

To further support the reduced Navy’s effectiveness, the designs for the new replacement carriers will be amended to provide capability for landing planes from foreign air forces.

“The need to accommodate American planes on the carrier will require us to install the latest in combined burger and donut outlets and a wider carrier deck,” said Billingsworth. “For French joint strike fighter landings there will be a state-of-the-art ship-board brothel.”

Whilst the changes to carrier design and deployment were seen as a drastic change to the operational readiness of the Royal Navy, plans are in place to increase its capacity when new funding becomes available.

“We think that the upturn in funding may be no more than a year away,” said Rear Admiral Billingsworth. “Only this morning I received an email from a former government minister in Nigeria wanting to move money to the UK.”

Friday, October 08, 2010

Facebook Offers New Ways For You To Share Your Data – And Better Ways To Hawk You To Global Corporations

Facebook, the massive Internet repository of what you are having for lunch and how many coins you have just won on FarmVille, has launched new “group” functions to ensure that users have more control over the information that they give to Facebook to hawk to the highest bidder.

“It is not our information. It is people's information. We just have this strong philosophical belief in distracting you from what we are actually doing with your data,” said Mark Billingsberg at the launch of the new features. “All of your data belongs to you and sits on our servers to be demographically mined to help massive corporations sell to you.”

The latest groups features enable Facebook users to limit data they share publicly to only those people with they have their most intimate relationships, whether they are friends, family, colleagues or the marketing demographic requests from mobile phone companies.

“With groups we will be able to identify thousands of circles of twenty something males and share them with holiday companies in Ibiza,” said Billingsberg. “And that is what we really mean by sharing control.”

Facebook has long been criticised by users so concerned over their privacy that they have spent hours uploading their most intimate information and photos onto the Internet. And their daily soup choice.

“Facebook needed to take steps, because it is worrying that every time I talk to my friends about the latest Grand Prix all the ads on the site feature racing cars. Oh and I had minestrone today,” commented one Facebook user on a Facebook page complaining about the site’s privacy settings. “Look, it’s happening again. It is like they are monitoring me. The same thing happens to my Gmail messages about Donkey Porn.”

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

US Military Extends “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” To Include Being A Russian Spy Or Al-Qaeda Bomber

With the formal continuation of the US Military’s “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” guidance to homosexuals who wish to risk their lives for a country that doesn’t want them to exist, senior figures in the Pentagon are planning to extend the policy to other areas.

“It’s an effective policy approach. All the things that we don’t want to admit are in the US Army, well we simply won’t ask people about them and so they won’t be there,” said General George C Billingsworth. “Being a Russian Spy will be next.”

The new approach will mean that if you are spying for the Kremlin then as long as you don’t tell anyone no one will ask and you can continue your career as an archivist at NORAD headquarters.

“Just as America doesn’t want American gays fighting for America in America’s military, and similarly we don’t want Russian spies either,” said General Billingsworth. “There are risks for this policy – that of remaining covert. But again the similarity is that we do not want either the Russians or the gays shoved down our throats and so they must take it slower and approach American society from behind, as it were.”

Whilst “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is most commonly thought of as solely being a means of curbing gay servicemen’s desire to run into battle with the arse cut out of their uniform, Russian spies are only the latest unwanted group within the Army to which it has been extended.

“It must be said though that our previous policies to other groups weren’t as successful as with the gays,” said Billingsworth. “Back in the sixties we said don’t ask and don’t tell applied to black people and women too.”

The other group to benefit from the new approach will be Al Qaeda operatives who are currently serving in the US military as sleeper cell members. With the new policy the US military will finally be able to equalise terrorist murder, treason and being gay.

“No one wants an Al Qaeda suicide bomber in the military, which is why we plan to treat them as criminal as them homos” said the General. “Still at least none of Bin Laden’s lot are likely to be gay themselves.”



Friday, September 24, 2010

Chilean Miners Express Sympathy For Chris Moyles

The group of miners who have been stranded underground for months, and face further months under the ground, have expressed their sympathy for millionaire DJ Chris Moyles who claims he hasn’t been paid for at least a 6 weeks.

“We are united in our sympathy for Chris, who entertains us with his comments about gays and camp people and his hurried explanations that it is just a joke,” said Sevriano Billingsweros one of the men trapped underground. “Whilst we are not like Chris, as we are talented professionals and we are not paid millions of pounds despite having identifiable talents, we too haven’t been paid for some time.”

The issue came to light after Mr Moyles deviated from the painstakingly prepared script for his show for the first 32 minutes to launch into a tirade against BBC executives claiming that they have missed one regular payment.


“To be honest we hadn’t actually realised Chris was paid at that point and are hoping previous payments were a mistake,” said a senior BBC insider. “We just assumed it was all still for Comic Relief.”

The tirade led to jammed switchboards at the BBC as millions of people phoned up to offer to fill in for Mr Moyles should the DJ find his current employment conditions intolerable.

“It must be very saddening to Chris, as we all know that he spends hours and hours preparing the script for each show,” said Jim a cab driver from South East London who listens to Moyle’s show at the end of his 12 hour night shifts. “To have to get into the chauffeur driven car each morning to take you into a plush radio studio and be fawned over by a sycophantic team and adoring public in the knowledge that there might be a delay in your regular payment schedule must be very upsetting.”

Jim, like many, has offered to stand in for the DJ for £100 a day, plus travel expenses but said that he would require some support. In addition to himself he would need someone who knew how to work the BBC radio studio printer to get the news to ensure it could be read out on time.

“It wouldn’t be easy swapping the night-club runs of Lewisham for the dangers of a breakfast show, but I would do my best,” said the cab driver. “I’d be relying on my 10 year old son for the latest in playground humour and jokes about bum bandits. Sorry just kidding I was smiling when I said it! See, I am a natural.”

The BBC denied that Mr Moyles’s job was under threat following his outburst, saying that there was always the risk of such moments with highly strung talent.

“Many people phoned in to comment on his 32 minute tirade,” said a BBC source. “Thousands said that Chris’s detailing of the administration problems that his production company is facing with the invoicing system within the BBC were the most entertaining part of this 6 year run.”

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Right Wing Nut Job Too Nutty For Right Wing Nut Job Party Says Wing Nut

Many members of the conservative US Republican “Grand Old Party” had been looking to the anti-establishment Tea Party for a revival in fortunes. However there are concerns that masturbation expert Christine O’Donnell may just be too much of a political maverick following revelations that she has a history of dabbling with the occult and other anti-Christian activities.

“Christine’s great. Like Sarah Palin but without the entrenched policies,” said Tea Party activist Clint Billingsworth IV, from Charlottesville. “But you know, messing with the occult, well that wasn’t something that Jesus did when he was at High School.”

Ms O’Donnell has responded to the criticism explaining that many people probably had friends and interests in their youth that do not necessarily represent their views as they have got older.

“Didn’t everyone spend time with questionable folks at high school?”, said cock enthusiast Ms O’Donnell. “I know that one of my first dates was on a satanic altar, then we had a midnight picnic. Then I went home and formed my hard-line views on masturbation. And God how hard they were.”

The Tea Party was founded to break down traditional politics. Its members have publicly condemned as a Nazi plan the attempts of President Obama to try and prevent millions of poor Americans from dying. However the latest revelations about the occult have, in the eyes of many in US politics, aligned her too much with mainstream thinking.

Obama, even if he were even born in the US, which he wasn’t, is trying to put in place a National Socialist healthcare plan,” said Billingsworth reclining on the sofa in his front garden. “But them Nazis, they dabbled in that O’ccult too, so I don’t know about Christine. She sounds like a Nazi demon like that Kenyan in Washington.”

Ms O’Donnell shot to US public attention with a surprise win of the Delaware Senate nomination and then gained notoriety following the publishing of her views on masturbation.

“People should abstain from masturbation, as it is a sin,” explained Ms O’Donnell in a nation-wide TV campaign against masturbation. “It’s just not the same as a good seeing to from a big cock.”

Friday, September 17, 2010

Transcript Of Pope Benedict’s Future Meeting With God Discovered

As Pope Benedict XVI tours Great Britain a transcript from the year 2020 has been discovered. It appears to be the minutes of a meeting between the late Joseph Ratzinger and God:-









































































































































































































































St Peter

As His papal representative on Earth you get a personal audience, I'll just take the minutes.

God

Ah Ratzinger. Good To See You. This Won't Take Long Now, Just A Few Questions And We Can Process Your Application For Entrance To Heaven.

Ratzinger

So it is true? Heaven, Hell, Jesus, St. Peter. It is all true? My faith is rewarded.

God

Yep, It's True, We'll See About The Reward Bit At The End.

Raztinger

Stick that Muslims.

God

Well, I Am Their God Too.

Ratzinger

Yes, yes, so my version, is the true faith?

God

Well Lets See. Got A Couple Of Questions About Your Devotion, And Any Suffering For The Faith And All That. Right Now, Christianity, Have You Really Stuck To The Boy's Teachings?

Ratzinger

I have served you both faithfully for 93 years.

God

Let's See, Hitler Youth?

Ratzinger

Culture of the time, I never really supported it. I was only in it for the saluting.

God

Really? Shame? See The Jews Still Don't Recognise My Boy And Well I Am An Old Stick-In-The-Mud, So A Pogrom Against The Jews – Well I Have Been Known To Inflict A Bit Of Mass Suffering In My Time.

Ratzinger

Well, erm, yes, it gave focus to youth, did a lot of community work. And saluting. Unflinching adherence to offensive doctrine does prepare one for a life in the Church.

God

But The Persecution, It Wasn't Love Thy Neighbour Was It? That Was The Old Me, Fire, Brimstone, Flood. I Mellowed After The Boy Came Along, Like Many Parents. Love Everyone Was His Message.

Ratzinger

Christ, Oh sorry. This religion lark's tricky. Erm, well the other stuff has been good.

God

Sodomy?

Ratzinger

Complete sin, always been against it. Definitely.

God

Even Between Consenting Adults? Me Fearing Christian Adults?

Ratzinger

Yes, very much so.

God

Rape Of Children?

Ratzinger

Of course, a sin too.

God

I Don't Remember Saying To Defend Paedophiles, You've Spent Decades Doing That.

Ratzinger

Well er, no hold on, that's not totally fair, I mean I had to protect the church.

God

A Church Full Of Paedophiles - You Even Moved Them From One Parish To Another Rather Than Them Face Earthly Justice - Is That What You Were Protecting?

Ratzinger

Well, erm. Christ. I mean. Erm. Sorry. Well really it's just following your example?

God

My Example? This Is A New Interpretation, Even For Me!

Ratzinger

Well you did give Mary one. And she was under-age.

God

She Was A Girl.

Ratzinger

Hence why homosexuality is the ultimate sin and so much worse than fiddling with a choir boy?

God

So There Is Method To Your Madness! Bugger Me.

Ratzinger

Christ no! Oh, sorry. Again.

God

Any Suffering You Want To Discuss – Always Good For Heaven A Bit Of Suffering, Eh Pete?

Ratzinger

I did a fair bit of travelling the world, spreading the Word.

God

You Mean You Drove Around In That Ice Cream Van Of Yours, It's Hardly Being Crucified Upside Down Is It?

Ratzinger

I wore the big hat.

God

Taxpayers Spent Millions And You Didn't Even Give Them A Cornetto.

Ratzinger

I did a gig with Susan Boyle?

God

Christ! Sorry. You're In.


Saturday, September 11, 2010

Pasta At Centre Of Quorn Burning Outcry Agrees To Suspend Event

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Gainesville, Florida in the USA has said that it has temporarily suspended plans for a mass Quorn burning event in a dispute over the site of the new meat free Zero Ground Meat Kiosk being built on Manhatten Island.

“Quorn is a deviation from the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s teachings, may His balls always be meaty,” commented Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “If American vegetarians wish to eat a replacement for meat it is clear that Pasta is the only substitute.”

The subject of Quorn has been controversial in the US over fears that followers of a Quorn based diet exhibit allergic reactions, with women being forced to cover themselves from head-to-toe in black sheets and some on extremist Quorn diets being driven to violence.

“His Sauciness has made it clear that flour and water are sacred,” said Billingsworth. “It is an affront to build their Zero Ground Meat Kiosk so close to Little Italy.”

Little Italy has gained almost sacred status in American culture having seen the murders of many spaghetti eaters. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is adamant that the celebration of other vegetarian dishes in the area would be seen as a triumphalist move from those that have taken against the Pasta way of life.

“It is just un-pastafarian to build that Kiosk there and we want to peacefully draw the world’s attention to its proximity to Little Italy,” said Billingsworth. “We will do this by burning a tonne of Quorn over fifteen hundred miles away,”

Across the world the Quorn burning plan has been condemned by religious and political leaders fearful that it will insight Quorn followers to retaliate, perhaps violently.

“People should be free to follow whatever diet they want. There is no need to ruin anyone’s Barbecue,” said former US Messiah Barack Obama. “Barbecues are what this country stands for. Who cares what is actually under half a pound of melted processed cheese anyway?”

As America braces itself for a day that may end in conflagration, the Pasta at the centre of the controversy is prepared to suspend the burning as part of ongoing talks over the future of the Zero Ground Meat Kiosk.

“The Flying Spaghetti Monster, may His balls always be meaty, would not wish me to cause offence and so the burning will be delayed,” said Billingsworth. “At least until after Thursday’s Shit on the Koran, Bible and Talmud Day,”

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Football World Alarmed That Next England Manager Will Speak English

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English.

“It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.”

Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them.

“At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do."

There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their fans.

“I am sick as parrot,” exclaimed Harry Redknapp blowing the whistle on the FA. "Why us!! When they (the FA) don't speak English too good or nothin’"

“The moon, she is under me,” cheered Professor Guido Billingsworthski from the Oxford Linguistic Studies College, situated above the Bentley dealership, who was delighted to have been engaged by several players. “I am here to help every peoples turn the new leaf,” he explained. “It’s a simple case of crossing the I's and dotting the T's".

Peter Crouch is the first player to turn to the Billingsworthski academy following the recent confusion over his attempts to acquire some gardening equipment.

“I got home late and realised that I need to turn over some sod in the garden,” said Crouch. “That was why I went to get a Hoe. In Madrid,” he explained. “So I don’t want that to happen again, because I have to get Four Candles next week. From a Thai brothel.”

England captain Stephen Gerrard has leapt in support of beleaguered manager Fabio Capello by insisting that there has been no communication breakdown and the squad is fully committed to the nation.

“I want him to stay,” insisted Gerrard. “We fully understand that If we stand still we will end up being backward”.

From our English-as-a-second-language reporter Shivriano

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Hawking Rejects The Hand Of God Sees A Lucky Rabbit's Foot

In his forthcoming book, The Grand Design, Hawking has concluded that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics with no dependency on any action from God.

“It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper,” he explains. “Quantum fluctuations - temporary changes in the amount of energy in a point in space, arising from Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle can create all possible matter – antimatter combinations. And anyway the universe was a present in Father Christmas's sack.”

In the book co-written by Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking sets a significant departure from his previous views on the subject, he now purports that the Easter Bunny was the prime catalyst for spontaneous creation from the particle soup chaos that led to the formation of the universe.

Hawking writes that he has always been a true believer ever since his childhood observation of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer powered sleigh orbiting the Moon set in motion his departure from traditional theories.

“Clearly mammals were important to creation. That makes the coincidence that a rabbit or hare as the earthly symbol for goddess Eastre more than a lucky happenstance”.

“I know nothing of the details of physics but I had always assumed the existence of the Tooth Fairy”, adds Richard Dawkins the renowned biologist. “Really other suggestions are just preposterous. Can you imagine a universe without the Sandman, Tinkerbell and others too numerous to mention?”

The book describes Hawking’s new unified M-theory that relegates the current string theory to the dustbin of conjecture. Thanks to recent discovery of planets in nearby solar systems, the odds are starting to narrow and it is only matter of time till Little Green Men are discovered.

However, the revelations have not been universally accepted, with many leading theologians quick to dismiss the new research.

“I am pleased that Hawking has realised that the universe must have had a divine creator,” said war-time straight-right-arm saluting enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI. “However with the world containing such sorrow, misery and sin which the Vatican has always maintained is caused by women then the instigator must have been the Tooth Fairy,”

In the middle-east the news was met with angry reaction. In Gaza effigies of Father Christmas were burnt by crowds chanting support for the Easter Bunny, whilst during the Sabbath Musaf Rabbis emphasised that rabbits are not considered Kosher to avoid the risk of eating the creator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unavailable for comment.


From field reporter Shivriano

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Survey finds Ben 10 Ultimate Omnitrix “best educational toy this Christmas”

As retailers across the land attempt to convince us that they are reluctantly just satisfying the huge demand for Christmas sections in summer, a new survey has revealed the must-have new educational toys that will be available this year.

“The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.”

The survey, which all children taking the survey said should be “like really totally reported in next weekend’s Sunday papers”, was conducted by the children’s education specialist website, “buytoys4kids.com”. It asked all visitors under 15 to rate the likely Christmas best sellers in terms of their educational value.

“I think that the Ben 10 Lego Swampfire will help me understand the environmental impact of the oil spill in Florida,” said Callum, aged 12. “And anyway Kyle hasn’t got it and will be dead jealous.”

Professor Billingsworth, hired to help newspaper Journalists, who may suffer from being Humanities graduates, fully understand the scientific background of the survey, said that in fact Ben 10 was by far and away the leading educational toy for years.

“Well the first 5 places have been taken up with Ben 10 toys. And places 6 and 8,” said Billingsworth. “The Big Chill Lego figure is especially educational at just £10.97 with free P&P.”

buytoys4kids.com celebrated the results of the survey by offering an Animal Welfare pack that includes the “My Little Pony Show Stable” for all purchases over £50.

“Christmas 2010 is going to be the most educational yet,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We have another survey that demonstrates the adult education benefit of an iPhone4. With unlimited text bundle.”

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Cluster-bomb loving “Axis of Apathy” forms between Iran, North Korea and USA

The 1st August 2010 marked a landmark moment in the progression towards a civilised world as the USA formed a bond with Iran and North Korea in their disinterest in banning cluster bombs.

“The USA of A, I say America, has always been the shining city on the hill for the world to look up to,” said Senator Harry “Tex” Billingsworthski. “And today, by aligning ourselves with North Korea and Iran, we send a clear message to the world as to how we view our responsibilities to civilians at time of war. Well non-American ones anyway. I say kill them all, let God sort it out.”

Today 30 countries other than the Axis of Apathy, including those with a proud history of tolerance and stability, such as Angola, Bosnia, South Africa and Germany all signed up to the Wellington declaration agreeing to ban cluster bombs.

“It is a proud, I say proud, moment for all, I say all, Americans, to be aligned with nations who have done so much in the cause of peace, freedom and tolerance. I say tolerance, such as Saudi Arabia or Iran,” said Tex. “Or Zimbabwe, I say murderous regimes.”

The USA, Iran and North Korea have increasingly shared common political viewpoints on matters such as a refusal to ratify treaties on Cluster Bombs and the International Criminal Court. Despite this, the USA is keen to insist that it is not to be considered a poodle of the other Axis of Apathy members and its support could not be taken for granted.

“Clearly we have a special relationship with Iran, for example, but they have gone their own way and signed up to the Kyoto Protocol, I say planet loving bastards,” said Tex. “It’s that kind of radicalism that means we might align with Somalia and Afghanistan in future. I say right-thinking nations.”

Critics of the USA’s approach to international agreements argue it is unfathomable that a nation founded on principles documented in the US Bill of Rights should arrive at the same conclusion as a nation founded on the cult of personality of a bouffant loving midget with an Elvis Presley fixation.

“There are great parallels between the USA and North Korea. We both force our schoolchildren to pledge allegiance to the state and we have both butchered mountains as permanent reminders of political ideologues, “ explained Tex. “The USA and North Korea have so much in common, I say war-mongering nuclear nutters.”

Friday, July 30, 2010

Senator Menendez discovers “not everywhere is in these here United States?”

Friends and relatives of Senator Robert “Tex” Menendez were said to be by his bedside as he recovered from the news that not everywhere in the world was in the United States.

“I say I was powerful taken aback to discover that there are countries outside of the US, I say outside of the US,” said Tex Menendez, yesterday. “Our founding fathers must have invented other countries in 1776. May God bless them.”

Senator Menendez was said to have spent the day studying his Globe of the USA after it was broken to him that not only was Scotland part of the United Kingdom it was not part of the United States.

“I rode down the corridors of the capitol trying to find the Senator for Scotland. I was figured on a meeting with him and sort this out over some fine sipping whisky,” said Tex Menendez. “But there was just no fixing post to tie my horse for Scotland, I say no post to tie my horse to. Do you hear me boy?”

The news that Scottish and UK officials were not elected by US citizens was broken to the Senator during the after dinner banquet of Beans ‘n Grit following the state opening of the national rodeo on the White House lawn.

“It seems that when the founding fathers of these here United States invented democracy in 1776 they gave it to the people of Scotland, which isn’t in Canada. I say it’s not in Canada,” said Tex during a break in the square dancing. “Although it turns out Nova Scotia is. Hot diggity.”

The Senator has offered to send other people outside of the US “to Great Britain and Scotland”, which is in Great Britain,, apparently, in a desperate bid to encourage ministers and MPs of another sovereign nation to testify before the US’s “World Series Senate Inquiry” into the Lockerbie bombing. However he was shocked when all invitations where turned down.

“I say it is powerful frustrating to be ignored like this, but it has given me an insight into why the US doesn’t sign up to the International Criminal Court, I say Criminal. Or indeed why we here in God’s country won’t give evidence in friendly-fire enquiries,” said Tex. “It would mean leaving the US. Gosh-darn-it! Yee Haw!”

Asked if he now felt his Senate Inquiry into the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi was now dead, the Senator insisted there was still vital work to be done.

“No, the inquiry is not dead at all, it is just sleeping, I say sleeping. You just leave its room exactly as it is. Don’t change anything. It will be back soon, I say soon,” said Tex shooting his revolvers into the air. “It is very much alive, just like Ali al-Megrahi.”

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Candid Cameron “Love me, love my New History"

The British Prime Minister today insisted that his recent diplomatic tour was a triumph for his “new politics” and not the blunderings of a drunk toddler.

“This is New History, that complements perfectly the New Politics and the New Mathematics that my government is championing,” said Mr Cameron on the final leg of his tour. “It is a decisive break from the past and so called facts.”

Mr Cameron was responding to criticism of his recent comments regarding the role of Britain in 1940, the situation in Gaza and the propensity of jihadis to always seem to have been trained in Pakistan.

“Clearly Britain was a junior partner to the US in 1940, look at the economic growth figures,” said Dave. “It’s all very nice single-handedly defending freedom around the world, but it didn’t have as good an impact on GDP as the American’s approach of selling us loads of stuff.”

Mr Cameron elaborated that the core principle of New History was to ensure that you spoke directly to the immediate audience and told them exactly what you think will please them.

“It is important for me to say something bad about Pakistan when I am standing next to the Prime Minister of a country that has fought 4 wars against the country,” said Candid Cameron at a press conference in India. “A core principle of New History is that everyone around me thinks I am great- which is why I said only yesterday that whenever I phone my bank I insist on being put through to an offshore call centre.”

Mr Cameron announced further stops on his world tour. He said that he plans to stop over at the Vatican to emphasise to the Roman Catholic church that the great renaissance art of the New History clearly emphasised just how excitingly irresistible young choirboys bottoms are.

“I plan to return to the US, before I head back to Britain to tell you everything is shit,” said New Dave. “I forgot to tell the American people that everyone over 25 stone is in fact big-boned.”

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Wayne Rooney upset fans realise he’s not good enough to play for Portsmouth or West Brom

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa.

“We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.”

Wayne Rooney was speaking after being booed off the field having failed in 3 hours of football to worry defenders from a country with no grass that has only recently stopped murdering each other over sand dunes and another that thinks you play football with your hands.

“It’s alright for the fans sitting in the stands enjoying the game. It only costs them a few grand and they can always go back to their uplifting jobs on building sites or working 9 to 5 in an office with no windows,” said Rooney. “That bloke who plays for Portsmouth outclassed me and booing just points it out to my sponsors.”

The England camp today pleaded for calm and for fans to support struggling players, such as Rooney, or the amazing disappearing Lampard, and to really get behind the team ahead of Wednesday’s must win game against the mighty Slovenia.

“It is vitally important that the fans buy as much Carlsberg beer and Mars bars as possible, because nothing motivates the boys than to know that FIFA World Cup 2010 is at the top of the XBox charts,” said an FA spokesman. “And remember everyone on the team coach is motivated marvellously when you all pay over £40 for a polyester shirt made in a Far Eastern sweat-shop.”

Reflecting on his performance Wayne Rooney promised that he had really taken on board the message that the fans had sent out by managing to boo louder than the vuvuzelas and it would lead to a definite change in his playing style.

“If I am rubbish again I’ll drop into midfield to learn from that boy who plays for West Brom and actually managed to score against Algeria, despite them having a Portsmouth defender!” said Rooney. “Normally I will only drop into midfield if we are doing badly to fully read the game as it gives me the best possible position from which to call the referee a ‘twat’.”

Friday, June 18, 2010

Hope In Search For British Boy Lost In South Africa

The team searching for Frank Lampard said that they were optimistic that some sightings in the Cape Town area may lead to re-uniting the lost Briton with his English team-mates.

“Ve have haad a few sightings on a golf course in Sun City area of a boy that loooks like Frank, but he once again disappeared,” said Wikus van der Billingswerth of the South African Police Service. “Neither did he respond to his nickname, Fat Frank.”

Frank travelled to South Africa from England with 23 other boys to play in a football tournament, however nothing had been seen of him since a photo opportunity with township children. He was expected to turn up with the rest of his team to play an over 21s team from the USA, however he completely disappeared after the 1930 kick-off in Rustenberg.

“Ve received news that little Frank had disappeared at 2045 hours on the evening of 11th June,” said Sergeant van der Billingswerth. “A few minutes later a boy answering to Frank’s appearance did apparently turn up on the football pitch, however he only blasted the ball over the bar twice before disappearing again.”

The authorities are keen to track that sky-rocket shooting boy from Saturday’s match as they believe he may hold information vital to their enquiries.

“He may know Frank Lampard's location, as they both clearly know where the Rustenberg pie shop is,” said van der Billingswerth. “If the boy had indeed missed the goal completely on five consecutive occasions then we would know for certain that we had located Frank.”

South African Police are now focussing their investigations on Cape Town where the missing boy’s team is playing tonight. Despite some curious betting patterns from an online punter known as FatBoyF - who has bet on at least five fans behind the Algerian goal having drinks knocked form their hands by wayward shots - the authorities said that they are considering the investigation into Lampard’s disappearance on Saturday to be a missing persons inquiry rather than anything more sinister.

“Ve have no suspicions of any foul play, but we are keeping a watch on Wayne Rooney in case he stamps on any children’s faces in the tunnel tonight,” said van der Billingswerth. “However we are launching an investigation to determine if Rob Green has been illegally smuggling clown shoes into South Africa.”

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Britain Continues Era Of New Politics By Fixing The Value Of Pi At 3

The new coalition government continued to outline its plans for the brand new era of change sweeping the country. Having revolutionised democracy by planning to ignore it, the next step is mathematics where centuries of tradition and fact based reasoning will be swept away to appease a power obsessed minority, who can’t count.

“Just like our plan to reform the archaic voting system of Britain. No longer will the idea of getting more votes somehow be deemed to give you the right to be an MP and having more MPs is deemed good enough to make you a government,” said the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “From now on mathematics will be changed to give me, after all I am the voter, more power.”

Mr Clegg’s Liberal Democrats have confirmed that the value of pi , traditionally pegged to the ratio of a circle’s circumference and its diameter, will now be standardised on the easier to use value of 3.

“For too long British craftsmanship and engineering has been held back by the annoying nit-pickers who insist on all that fiddley transcendental irrationality with decimal places,” he said in an interview before his demonstration of a perpetual motion machine to a climate change conference. ““This New Mathematics that follows on from New Politics is simpler, easier and much less burdened with facts or reason.”

Mr Clegg said that the new value of pi at 3 would make calculations easier and more transparent and leading to an efficiency saving as Britain’s circles would require over 4% less raw materials.

Once a value of three had been accepted for pi the Liberal Democrat ruling elite members believe it would become straightforward for other mathematical principles to be re-evaluated for the good of voter.

“The Voter, yes me remember, may find that messy 50% plus one vote rule in no confidence ballots cumbersome if he wanted to fully represent his own power,” said the leader of the third placed party in the most recent mathematically sound election. “That is why I shall raise the number to a much simpler 55% of votes needed to remove me.”

Mr Clegg has dismissed challenges over his plans for electoral reform by pointing out that all of the journalists had studied humanities and they should ask a friend who could do sums.

“It depends if you believe like the voter, me, does, that I got 23% of the votes in a single constituency of 40 million voters that does not exist. Rather than having lost over 600 contests in the 657 seats that actually do exist,” he said making sure he looked everyone in the eyes, not around the eyes. “But in New Politics, like New Mathematics, the former is true and I should have 151 seats. And you’re back in the room.”

The Prime Minister was said to be fully supportive of his deputy’s plans on both voting and numerical reform.

“I agree with Nick. New Politics is about making sure that the loser wins if you support the loser,” said David Cameron. “Once Nick explained that under his New Mathematics Aston Villa are actually Premier League champions I had the trophy removed from Stamford Bridge and sent up the M6.”

The Prime Minister, who has been leader of the reactionary Conservative opposition party for half a decade is spearheading the New Politics in the New Era for Change.

“I agree with Nick or my Explosive Reactive Armour as I call him. Especially since this Liberal-Conservative coalition will have to make some very difficult and unpopular decisions,” said Mr Cameron. “Did you get that? Liberal, I said LIBERAL, write it down, yes a LIBERAL-conservative coalition will be closing hospitals and selling off the Royal Navy. L-I-B-E-R-A-L.”

The Liberal Democrats have now fulfilled their ideal of a numerically representative democracy in Britain with their party calling the shots, despite having less than 8% of the seats. However it has become apparent that the 5 days taken over paying for Nick Clegg’s services have left insufficient time to draft the Queen’s Speech to parliament, during which Her Majesty will outline the precise manner her new government will be sending the country back to the dark ages.

“It’s a big gig to have to wing and no mistake, innit. But I’ve done, what must be getting on for fifty of ‘the bleeders now? Cor blimey, God Bless My Mum.” said Her Majesty the Queen at a state opening of Lidl’s in Swindon. “I’ll pad it out with a clip-show of the best bits of past speeches – that bit about Hereditary Peers on the ’98 show got ‘em going. If all else fails I’ll throw in a couple of knob gags. And send the tanks into Downing Street.”

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Unperson From Scotland Loses His Right To Have An Opinion

It emerged last night that a man from Scotland, who had been asked his opinion on every matter known within Oceania for the last 3 years, had been stripped of his right to voice an opinion in a private conversation because a journalist had recorded it.

“A 59 year old man from Scotland had expressed a private opinion about an oldspeak conversation with a 66 year old woman,” said Charrington Billingsworth Detective Inspector of the Ministry of Truth, speaking from his Fleet Street office. “Following the incident Mr Brown spent several hours of re-education in the studios of Radio 101.”

The ruling from the Ministry of Truth explained that the right to have a private opinion was automatically lost should a telescreen truth crew manage to record it.

The incident happened following a brief conversation between Mr Gordon Brown and Mrs Gillian Duffy, a life long Ingsoc supporting prole from Rochdale in the North West of Airstrip One. Mrs Duffy is an economic and geopolitical expert with an hours-long plusgood reputation within the Ministry of Truth. She commented to Mr Brown that she felt the stabilisation of the Oceania’s economy and the inward migration of workers from outside her road may both have been doubleplusungood and made her feel disappointed to be a supporter of Ingsoc. Afterwards Mr Brown commented that the Ministry of Love had not properly vetted her before his conversation and that the prole held un-revisioned views.

“Mr Brown’s description of her as being a dangerous radical set about bringing down the party and Big Brother and that in future contacts should be with outer party members only, who had been pre-vetted and thought’s policed, were picked up by a Sky Truth telescreen microphone,” explained Billingsworth. “As such unlike everyone else who has ever closed a door after an unappetising conversation, Mr Brown will now be repeatedly counselled across the front pages of all of the Ministry of Truth’s publications until May 7th, when he will become an unperson.”

Mr Brown’s duckspeak was brought to the attention of Mrs Duffy in a spirit of plusgood openness without any self promotion or bias by Ministry of Truth operatives.

“You’ve been into the Sky Truth van to hear what the Sky Truth microphone picked up after your conversation, ” asked a detective from an unnamed branch of the Ministry of Truth. “Can you tell the Sky Truth telescreen viewers how this makes you feel?”

Preparations for tonight’s telescreen debate between the Inner Party leaders have been complicated by Gordon Brown’s insistence that all participants must be naked so all microphones are clearly visible. In addition the taps must be left running in all toilets that he visits and the radios must be turned up as loud as possible in all meeting areas where Mr Brown is relaxing with his medication.

The loss of the right of Mr Brown to hold a private opinion is not expected to have any impact on the behaviour of the Scottish ruling elite that have been in control of Airstrip One since the last free election in 1984.

“Scottish opinion will be undimmed,” said Detective Billingsworth. “A Mr Alex Salmond has more than enough opinions for everyone.”

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Fury As Icelandic Volcano Receives Payout

Following over a week of flight chaos caused by a huge cloud of ash from the erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano there has been outrage at the settlement agreed with the enraged Icelandic resident, who many believe has held the European travelling public and airline industries to ransom.

“Forcing airlines to stop flying until your demands are reached? It's been extortion, pure and simple,” said Duncan Billingsworth of the Unite union. “That's our trick. Although hats off to that cloud of ash, we only managed to ground British Airways, not all airlines.”

The Volcano is believed to have been bought off by airlines that realised that unlike a normal weather system, a Volcano may be able to keep its disruption up for decades, forcing many airlines out of business. Some carriers have had to run disrupted flight plans on increasingly convoluted routes through Spain in a desperate attempt to get passengers to their destinations, and avoid paying expensive hotel bills.

“We have been forced to land a lot of our flights to Germany at airports in Madrid,” said a spokesman for Ryanair. “This has of course caused some disruption for Ryanair passengers trying to get to Germany as Spain is closer than we normally fly them.”

Airline manufacturers and operators across the globe have gained more information and understanding of the impact of volcanic ash on aero-engines. This has led to the re-opening of European airspace and the gradual re-uniting of thousands of whining passengers stranded overseas with their moaning families back in the UK.

“Meteorologists and volcanologists are undecided as to exactly when the skies of Britain will finally be free from the gloom of this overbearing cloud damaging the economy,” said one satirist. “Gordon Brown will be leaving office on May 6th, but the ash may linger for longer.”

Iceland has declined to comment on suspicions that following a year of economic turmoil, during which the entire country was effectively bankrupt, owing billions to international creditors, it raised some suspicions when the north Atlantic island was set on fire. Insurance experts will be scrutinising any insurance claims carefully.

Max Clifford has said that his new client, the Eyjafjallajokull volcano, will reveal the full details of its explosive blow-up in a forthcoming exclusive interview with Heat magazine.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

HD reveals the “depth of TV presenters’ souls”

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers.

“The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.”

Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters.

“You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shielding his fundamental being from the vacuum of being a sex-texting publicity funnel for his wife’s publishing career.”

Mr Billingsworth says that for him, High Definition is less about the presentation of a glorious image but more that the viewing experience is brought to life by opening up layers of hitherto invisible detail.

“We have always been able to look at the ‘Graham Norton Show’ and see the bright vividness of the sets and the majestic way each of his peals of hysterical laughter at his latest knob-gag is rendered into the sound of a hyena being flushed into a tunnel,” said Billingsworth. “Now we can peal away the orangeness of both the set and the man himself. We can see the deep underlying tones of the flaking paint of a seaside theatre dressing room, the broken bulbs of the make-up mirror and the echoing of sobs for a career with the breadth of a single line of HD pixels. It’s very satisfying.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward to the full range of BBC channels going HD, which would enable him to take in the spectacular vista of Richard Hammond.

“I think it will be amazing to see his soul during ‘Total Wipeout’,” said Pablo. “I expect it will be like watching high quality images of the craters on the surface of the moon. I’ll be able to see the detailed printing on each fifty pound note that quickly fills each pock-mark created by taking cart-loads of cash for voicing puns over clips of prat-falling contestants that he will never meet.”

However even the latest technology is insufficient to reveal the hidden depths of some presenters.

“My TV will do over three million different shades of black,” said Billingsworth. “But even that isn’t enough to reveal anything interesting about Ant and Dec.”

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Apple “astonished that people use our wipe-clean surface devices to look at boobies”

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps.

“Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.”

Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple App Store were of an adult nature and have therefore been removed, to ensure the purity of the Chosen Devices.

“To be honest, when we developed a hand-held device with a wipe-clean, touch surface, with integrated 3G and Wi-Fi technology that can seamlessly zoom in on webpages, or access streaming video content via the Internet, we never imagined anyone could use it to enlarge anything other than their minds,” said an Apple acolyte. “Who would have thought there were naked ladies, or such suggestive donkeys, on the Internet?”

Apple said that the news that it was possible, if you were discerning and tried long and hard enough, to find saucy content on the Internet using your Apple device has provided the company with an unexpected insight into its customer base.

“Oh my God, do you think that is why all those 20-something men at the iPad launch cheered so much?” said the acolyte, distraught. “Surfing alone, in bed? Gripping our 10 inches in one hand?”

One of the apps that has been removed is called “Broncos Do Dallas” which, to the deep shock of Mr Jobs, turned out was not an American Football simulator. The app allows the user to control the movement of the lead actor’s flanks with a simple flick of the wrist.

“In retrospect we should have checked that upgrade to the Light Sabre app too,” said the acolyte. “We should have been suspicious when it advertised being able to replace the sabre with the user’s own weapon.”

Mr Jobs has yet to release a formal statement on the matter as he now only communicates using Apple’s Multi-Touch Gesture Language and the Well of Purification is famously devoid of Windows.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Voltaire : “gutted at having been so misquoted about defending to the death your right to say stuff”

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments.

“I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.”

Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an 18th century philosopher to sample some of the extents to which the hard won freedoms of expression, so pioneered by the enlightenment movement of the late 17th century, had come to manifest themselves some 400 years later.

“I don’t mind being used as a totem for challenging established authority. That was, after all, my bag whilst I was alive,” said the Enlightenment essayist. “But my reputation is at stake when I am mis-attributed by an author who proceeds to call everyone else a ‘cockend’.

“I have always supported the free flow of ideas, and I think confrontations over the rights of man should be handled robustly,” he added. “But does GordonsBrownEye really need to wish upon someone a death in a burning building over which year the new grilles appeared on the Morris Marina?”

M. Arouet said that he truly admired the Internet and the manner in which ordinary people across the world could freely exchange information and ideas, but wondered as to the path it was taking.

“Take the ‘Have Your Say’ sections of news website, clearly ‘Opinions have caused more ills than the plague or earthquakes on this little globe of ours’,” he said. “That’s one of mine that is. Although today I would probably just type ‘You get right on my tits!!!!!’ in capitals.”

Voltaire, who is credited with using over 170 pen names, also expressed dismay at what he sees as the quality of the pseudonym in the 21st century and its usual reliance on sexual metaphor.

“’Voltaire’ was carefully chosen to allude to speed, a change of opinion all wrapped up in an anagram of the Latin spelling of my full surname. Continuing the reversal theme it even alludes to the name of my family home. It took me bloody ages to come up with,” he said. “I should have stuck with my first choice of ‘FastFrankyFromBehind1694’”

However, despite all his misgivings about the level of discourse, he said that the immediacy of locating and sharing information was intoxicating.

“I fucking knew that it was 1975 when the Marina grille was updated,” tweeted @FastFrankyFromBehind1694. “GordonsBrownEye can shove it, and I’ll bet he’s a Jew.”

Thursday, February 18, 2010

New autobiography is a catalogue of near misses with disaster “Only 3673 miles from death”

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:-

11th September 1921
I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life of the inter-war mill towns. Fortunately this meant I was not born in the USA as the son of a man who went on to be the anti-semetic US ambassador to wartime Britain. Whilst it was a shame I never had the chance to go to an Ivy League college in the USA, it also meant that I was never able to run for US President. Thus it was by sheer chance that I was not sitting in my open-top limousine waving at the crowds in Dealey Plaza, in the heart of Dallas, on the 22nd November 1963. You can imagine my relief that it was not me assassinated that day, but it could have been very different.

6th June 1944
As a 22 year old apprentice working on the London Midland Scottish Railway I was in one of the reserved professions. We worked hard, I tell you, running the steam trains longer and faster, working on them day and night as a key part of Britain's war effort that had spent years under constant bombardment by the Luftwaffe until the RAF gained air supremacy. But for that choice 6 years earlier this glorious summer's morning when I was cooking us a well earned fry-up with our combined egg ration on the boiler plate of “Old Gerty”, could so easily have been different for me. What with me maybe having my limbs blown off on the beaches of Normandy.

30thJuly 1966
On this day it would not even have been three years since I narrowly avoided being shot in Dallas. It shocked me to realise that but for having no interest in football a mere three decades earlier and having taken up boxing (I was pre-war LMS under 16 champion) it could so easily have been me dancing with the Jules Rimet trophy on that marvellous day in Wembley. And not Nobby Styles. And I would have had no teeth.

9th May 1976
I have never been into all that queer sex malarky. A quick doing with the missus, with the lights out, after Match Of The Day is as kinky as I ever liked it, thank-you-very-much. But it makes me think on that it is only my red-blooded heterosexuality, never having been to London and with a keen lack of interest in politics that meant that it was Jeremy Thorpe who suffered the male model bum-sex scandal. I admit I did shag his dog on Exmoor though.

11th September 2001
My granddaughter had talked about doing something special for my 80th birthday. She suggested maybe a holiday in America and a trip on the transcontinental railway. Whilst it is one of the great train journeys of the world, I really do hate Americans and I hate heights and flying, so I never entertained the idea of going there or to somewhere so full of tall buildings as New York. I don't even have a valid passport. So you can imagine my horror when I discovered that New York's World Trade Center towers had been the victim of a terrorist outrage and brought crashing down. They contained the “Windows of the World” restaurant I had absolutely no intention or chance of ever being in. It just brought home to me how that simply could never have been me,

“Hecker's like, and that's swearing, I never miss a domino's night in the Dog and Spade now,” said Mr Billingsworth, speaking at book signing. “It shakes me to the bone to realise that sometimes I have cheated death by just a matter of months or a scant several thousand miles, but then I guess I am just lucky.”

Realising he was in some way charmed, having escaped misfortune so often in his 88 years, had emboldened Herbert to embark on a new travel book entitled “A Wintry Descent Of The Alps By Toyota Prius.”


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Christianity To be Rebooted In "New Testament the High School Years"

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth.

“We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip teen who has attitude, the latest sandals and hair that is just so like totally ill.”

New characters are being introduced into the long running saga to boost the appeal of Christianity with the key 15 to 25 demographic. It is this group that is believed to have the most disposable credulity.

“Pontius P meets a teenage apprentice carpenter Jesus who repairs and like totally pimps out his plain wooden skateboard which has been damaged in a thrilling escape from a Roman Centurion who caught Pontius scrumping for coins at the money changers' tables,” said the Pope. “Pontius uses his like well streetwise cred to totally help a shy, young Jesus blossom and practice his miracles and stuff. With hilarious consequences.”

The Vatican said that the traditional story of Christ may be off-putting to the modern teenager and Pontius P provides a means of challenging the issues that today's young people face.

“Through the retelling of their teens we can experience the touching adventures of youth for the messiah, with heart-warming lessons for us all,” announced the Vatican trailer available on YouTube. “After a misunderstanding of an overheard conversation caused a young Thomas to doubt his friendship with Jesus, Pontius P tricks them into settling their differences during the leper healing contest. With hilarious consequences.”

The Vatican would not be drawn on rumours that the New Testament reboot will include cross-over cameos involving popular characters from other religious texts.

“There may be exciting visits from some familiar Old Testament characters,” said a Vatican spokesman. “But you'll just have to keep following and who knows if a time-travelling Muhammad will join the boys as they embark on a 40 day road trip across the desert. With hilarious consequences.”

In other departures from Canon, the rebooted New Testament will include a new group of female characters following new studies into the recently translated “Gospel of Mary Magdalene”.

“During the Young Apostle Crew's visit to the Sea of Galilee to spend the day at the beach Pontius P attempts to impress Mary by jumping a shark,” said a voiceover for another trailer. “After the trick goes wrong, Jesus runs across the sea to save him. With hilarious consequences.”

The saga's ending will be also be retold with Jesus and Pontius P growing apart and falling in with different groups, reflecting modern society's issues with gang culture. In emotional scenes of reunion, Pontius P is torn between his childhood friend Jesus and his loyalty to the members of his adopted gang, the Roman Empire.

“I think it's key to the growth of Christianity that we target the audience when they are most likely to believe our stories,” said a Vatican spokesman. “This approach enables us to get directly in touch with the kids - in the hope that Priests don't get a chance to.”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Google Buzz Offers Millions Another Route To Tell Each Other Their Choice Of Sandwich, “Nom Nom Nom”

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter.

“Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and quickly and someti ...”

Google said that Buzz would leverage the search giant's algorithms to place the targeted content easily within the user's Gmail inbox.

“What your friends are having for lunch will be categorised into Sandwich or Soup and rated using the international standard of tastiness - the number 'noms' they include in the update,” said Google founder Sergey Brin. “We can then help you locate these food choices by offering you a selection of the local eateries who have paid the most to advertise with our new Google Noms add on for Google Maps.”

Facebook indicated that it thought that Google has perhaps erred by integrating Buzz into Google Mail, saying that social networking had moved away from merely being a point to point method of communication of thoughts or ideas or even dreams and aspirations.

“Facebook offers the user the chance to poke or buy each other virtual beer and happily share their entire life history with their nearest and most beloved circle of corporate advertisers,” said a spokesman. “Then, through the experience of taking quizzes and playing on virtual farms, our users can then invite some of their most loved friends to share their own intimate details with enormous corporations.”

For leading online celebrities such as @realpaulirwin, the new service provides another means by which they can keep their close-knit circle of friends up to date with the important events in their life.

“I can send important updates to Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz, Orkut, MySpace, LiveJournal and many others all at once and with Buzz they c …” said @realPaulIrwin. “I can update my best 13732 friends with every new gem I get on my WOW Quest of Anskabar & let everyone know when my job sucks or snow is col ...”

Twitter, the micro-blogging service for people who find traditional blogs cumbersome and boring, responded that status messages themselves were becoming a turn-off to users who were struggling to wade through all 140 characters of some of the more epic tweets. The new service will be called “PunkTweet” and is aimed at those who only wish to communicate via punctuation marks.

For the aid of readers the complete “PunkTweet” press release is reproduced below :-

“ :-) <3 “

Another group interested in the opportunities offered by Google Buzz are those advertisers whose market relies on access to the intimate details of our lives from social networks, such as which prison we are on the run from or who we are bullying today.

“Today the consumer suffers from information overload so it's important for advertisers like us to make sure that we get a complete picture of the user. We can then focus our targeted adverts to ensure that our product choices match their aspirations for their ‘life journey’,” said a source. “But despite all that we still only ever show everyone the same adverts for weight-loss and debt consolidation.”