Sunday, September 30, 2007

Outbreak of “Bluetongue” in 10 Downing Street

The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall.

“There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,” said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street. “Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.”

The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the mouth and cause the afflicted to produce large amounts of bile and venom. This can manifest itself as a 'Blue Rage' targeted at the weaker members of societal groups, such as those from different cultural backgrounds.

“The last big outbreak was in the '80s when most of the country was afflicted by a virulent outbreak of Bluetongue that originated in the town of Grantham and spread nationwide via Downing Street and Westminster,” said historian Gerald Billingsworth. “Those most at risk were the weaker and poorer areas of society, such as the mining and manufacturing communities.”

It had been thought that not only had the disease been eradicated from Britain but that the scenes of widespread devastation caused by the rampages across the land of those most severely afflicted had inoculated the country against future infections.

“The lessons learnt from the last outbreak seemed to have prevented any further cases over the last decade,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “After a great deal of pain the country was finally able to be rid of the scourge of Bluetongue when the carriers failed with a policy of inert 'Back to Basics' treatment that ended up with them succumbing to a series of foot 'n mouth outbreaks. The papers of the time often carried distressing pictures of the sufferers, and their secretaries, on their backs with their legs in the air.”

The government has denied that this most recent outbreak occurred when a Bluetongue carrier, thought to be a disease ridden old cow, was recently taken to lunch at Downing Street.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Dolphins suffer from PMT too

Marine Biologists at the world famous Ben Nevis Sea Life Centre have announced startling new research that indicates that dolphins suffer from Pre-Menstrual Tension just as much as humans.

"We have analysed the behaviour of marine mammals including our dolphins for some time, however the breakthrough came with translation of their complicated clicks and whistles," explained Dr Phillippa Billingsworth at the launch of the study, entitled 'I'm Tense and Porpoise'.

The study found that the intelligent marine mammals exhibited heightened tension and irritability that was synchronised to the phases of the moon. The dolphins would often informally segregate by sex and their communications reveal the tensions within the pod.

"All of the members of the pod suffer from PMT, the males as much as the females as it seems they cop the fallout," explained Dr Billingsworth. "Just like with humans."

The transcripts of the dolphin's underwater exchanges hint at this tension and the steps to which the male dolphins are sympathetic but confused by the behaviour of their mates. In one exchange a male dolphin appears to lament to another that "I have no idea, I simply made an encouraging whistle at the young female who was practising her leaps this morning and the missus starts clicking on about how her mother warned about me before we were caught."

In another exchange one of the males is concerned that his mate may be suffering from some sort of mental problem, he says, "She is going nuts mate. She was whistling like a mad thing during feeding this morning. I tried to explain that the reason we spend Christmas with my family is that we were all captured together and hers are still free. She just said that the killer whale in the other tank would be able to jump the sea gate and then she swam off to get her flippers waxed."

"It seems the males are at a loss as to how to react to the females, so when they sense the onset of PMT they try to keep out of their way," said Phillippa. "In one exchange a harassed male says to another member of the pod 'Quick, lets get down to the shallow end and look busy, otherwise the missus will have me jumping through hoops all afternoon.'"

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Madeleine's child saving account found at Northern Rock

An exclusive story in today's Daily Express and The Mirror newspapers has revealed speculation of the shocking details of Madeleine McCann's savings which have finally been located in an account with troubled bank, Northern Rock.

The Daily Mail and Daily Star, which also exclusively carrying the story, agree that unnamed sources indicate the money, deposited by her parents, is held in a Select 120 account.

“It is a great relief to all of us in the media that this account has been found,” said Business Journalist Preston Billingsworth, whose exclusive opinion piece appears in both The Sun and The Times. “We know that the British public were as confused as us journalists about the current turmoil in financial markets. My colleagues are now relieved to be able to get back to speculating about the McCann's and missing Madeleine.”

Experts are said to be relieved that the turmoil in financial journalism has been overcome without any major loss of circulation, indeed a select few have managed to increase sales and viewing numbers by astute investment in sensational headlines.

“We whipped the public up into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy over Northern Rock, which I think was important since most of us did not understand anything that we were reporting about but a queue outside a branch speaks for itself,” explained Mr Billingsworth speaking exclusively to BBC News 24 and Sky News. “However now we can dovetail two excellent and heart-rending stories: the panic that Northern Rock savers have suffered and the fact that the McCann's would clearly be unable to join any such queue without being besieged by the press asking if they had murdered the financial system by burying her savings.”

Tomorrow all newspapers will exclusively reveal new speculation that residue from the seal of a Northern Rock automatic deposit envelope was found in the McCann's hire car 25 days after she went missing – which is 120 days from today and sources indicate that this is directly related to the notice period on her account.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Pope's message played backwards reveals “confessional song lyrics”

Scientist's at the Jeremy Kyle Institute for behavioural research have published startling findings into analysis of Pope Benedict XVI’s Easter blessing. The traditional papal message, given from the balcony of St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican was broadcast to over a hundred countries and an estimated 4 billion people. Researchers have found what they believe are secret messages encoded in the blessing using the technique known as ‘backmasking’. This technique is said to be the intentional placement of messages that can only be revealed by playing the recording backwards and sometimes at a different speed.

"Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added the messages became clear,"

"So far we have found dozens of references to song lyrics, from the Beatles to The Platters and Pink Floyd, to name but a few. " explained the Professor. "The phrase 'Worship the Lord for He said I am the Walrus' is mentioned several times as is 'Money, that's all we want'.

The researchers say that Pope Benedict may be using the hidden messages as a form of confession and an opportunity for the Church of Rome to divest itself of its sins.

"At one point the message 'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender' is followed by 'Hey Preacher, leave them kids alone', said Professor Billingsworth. 'There is a short gap and then 'Nothing is Real' can clearly be heard as though in a tortured scream."

To highlight the level of complexity, the researchers believe that the Pope makes reference to the supposed death of McCartney, itself said to be revealed by backmasked messages.

"Perhaps Pope Benedict is trying to tell us that what we believe about the celebration of other mythical deaths is also a hoax," said Billingsworth. "At several points he clearly says 'Turn me on dead man' a key phrase from the backmasked song 'Revolution 9' and clearly referring to the myths of the death of Christ."

The most startling revelation appears in the final section of the reversed recording (the start when played forwards).

"It is the most elaborate as it resembles a Gregorian chant, and the former Cardinal Ratzenberger uses it to extol "I am the Hitler Youth, join any group to advance".

The research team is moving on to other recordings from religious leaders but says that the ones from Islamic preachers are much more straightforward.

"Most of them sound the same backwards as they do forwards," said Professor Billingsworth. "They are just composed of an endless loop screaming 'Kill all the infidel'."

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Football chiefs plan new remembrance packages

Marketing executives from Premier League and Championship football clubs are finalising plans to launch new remembrance packages for those families that suffer the tragedy of losing a young member. An inside source said that the clubs are keen to maximise their exposure in all markets and that tragic events that get worldwide news coverage are a rich source of exposure for both club merchandise and shirt sponsors.

“Football is trying to modernise, to increase its appeal with the media and with families and, like many sports, is keen to ensure it gets maximum exposure for its brand and the logo of its sponsors,” said a source close to one club. “Traditionally a few lucky families have been able to bask in the reflected glow as their child is led out with the teams as a mascot. Whilst clubs can now charge several hundred pounds a time for the honour, the number of children that can be accommodated per game is obviously limited.”

Recently there has been an increase in the sensationalist media coverage of the tragic deaths of children, many of whom come from football loving families, and it is this that has led clubs to try to ensure that families' wishes are able to be catered for.

“There can't be many children in the country who have not been photographed in a replica football shirt, available from all good club shops along with a wide range of other merchandise,” said the source. “As soon as the papers print these pictures football feels it has to respond. However there may come a time when the numbers of families involved simply cannot be accommodated.”

The clubs are working with actuaries to provide debentures for families who wish to have their child remembered just before kick-off with more expensive packages offering a selection of players available to make public announcements or attend funeral services. No decision has been made about the inevitable request for players to be pall bearers, although it is said to be “pricey”.

“It is obviously a sensitive area, and one that the clubs are treading carefully on. However players taking time out from training is not something that is easy to arrange. Neither is finding three or four who will not be hungover, to act as pall bearers.” said the source. “However a great many parents want their children remembered in the aggressive and alcohol fuelled thoughts of thousands of football fans awaiting the latest episode of foul-mouthed and disrespectful deceit that takes place on the pitch.”

Friday, September 14, 2007

Shopping Mall provides warning lights for customers

Management at the huge Bluewater centre in Kent today unveiled a new system of personal warning lights for shoppers that the mall management hopes will aid safety and enjoyment whilst shopping.

"We are constantly striving to improve the experience here at Bluewater and we think that this innovation will help our customers get the most out of the time, and money, they spend here," said Anita Billingsworth, Head of Concierge services.

The new devices are a series of clip on warning lights that mimic the behaviour of the indicator and brake lights on motor vehicles.

"Every year we survey our customers and one of the most consistent findings is the frustration at having someone stop quickly or veer into your path as you are walking either around the complex itself or in any of the individual shops," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have spent the last year working with experimental Formula One derived technology for g-force triggered lighting and are pleased with the progress so far."

The new lights contain sensitive switches that respond to external forces that the shopper creates by their movement and can therefore activate red lights should they stop suddenly or the relevant orange indicator when they change direction.

"We think that this is something shoppers have a need for, and also something that, at busy times such as Christmas, should provide a spectacular light display from thousands of wearers across the aisles and walkways," said Anita. "For those sensitive to such lights, we will also be supplying sunglasses and have extra medical cover for any epileptic episodes "

The shopping centre management said that reports of failures in both the lights and the battery systems were just initial teething troubles with the first generation of lights.

"The early prototypes did suffer from some problems. We found that groups of two or more mothers with pushchairs would drain the batteries in only a few minutes with the frequent instant stops in shop doorways – even when we tried a pushchair-mounted car battery," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have now moved to a self generating version that uses the rapid and random changes in direction of your average shopper to power the lights. These work much more reliably, although groups of women chatting have been known to blow the bulbs."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

World's heaviest bulimia sufferer dies

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit.

"She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.”

Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Tracey's case the frequent and regular periods of vomiting were exacerbated by other conditions.

"She had always struggled with her weight, since she became big-boned as a child. When Princess Diana discovered bulimia, Tracey just knew that was the condition for her,” said her tearful mum. “The people at the Homoeopathy School were amazed that someone who threw up as much as she did could be so large, but she had such a big frame and such a desire for life that if a bout of bulimia did strike her it would not prevent her from rejoining her friends in the pub and carrying on as though nothing had happened.”

Mrs Billingsworth said the hardest part would probably be quiet Sunday shopping trips, where Tracey's ebullient personality would be sorely missed.

“Everyone loved her, she used to charm the young lads who worked at Krispie Kreme, where she was such a regular customer. She would often get an extra half dozen free.” said Sharon. “Sunday's won't be the same without the sound of her crashing into the downstairs loo and those sad sounds of her condition. She always had a smile for us and never let it get the family down. No matter how bad it would be she would be home in time for Sunday lunch and always wanted extra helpings of my trifle.”

Indeed, it was the muffled sounds of her condition that would often signal the heart-breaking end to a fun-filled night out .

“We would go out to Bingo of a Wednesday night and have fifteen or twenty Bacardi Breezers and a Kebab or two and often, even before we got home, Tracey's bulimia would flare up in the back of the Taxi.”

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Late surge in British news media holiday bookings for the Algarve

There has been a late surge in bookings by Britons seeking to extend their summer. Planes filled with ordinary working people from the BBC, Sky News and the nation's tabloid newspapers have headed off to try and grab a few extra days of sun-soaked reporting in Portugal.

“The last chance I had for a break in the sun was in May. We stayed for as long as we could afford, but we are just normal journalists, and we had to go back to the day job - writing about celebrity drug problems and David Cameron's hair,” said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News.

Increasingly as their standard of living increases many Britons are now able to enjoy two or more foreign breaks a year.

“We are very pleased that we have reached a position where we can go out to the Algarve again and extend the summer,” said Ms Billingsworth. “There were so many people that we talked to, for hours, that we hoped would become interesting and we are quite happy to interview again. And again.”

Like holidaymakers the world over, people form holiday friendships that don't last any longer than retrieving their luggage on the carousel at Gatwick.

“There was one couple in particular that nearly all of us spent a huge amount of time with,” explained Mary. “We took hundreds of photos of them and are trying as hard as possible to get in touch as everyone on the plane kept saying that they would soon be going away for a long time.”

The holidaymakers are concerned that their idyll in the sun may have been spoilt, now that this is the second season as the destination of choice for the average working member of the media with an expense account.

“When we first went, all those months ago, it was an undiscovered resort filled with tourists and the odd retired British Police Officer who everyone wanted to talk to. When we got here we were shocked as it has all changed. Some of the places for the media to stay outside the Police stations are just building sites. Everyone is wearing the same summer suits and brandishing microphones bearing British logos.” lamented Mary. “It's just like a little bit of England in the sun. For example, first thing in the morning you can easily get hold of the British newspaper reporters from the bar. Still we will just have to make what we can out of the situation, now that Big Brother has finished.”

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Heather Mills McCartney is dead!

Rumours are circulating via the Internet that estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, Heather Mills has actually died and been replaced with a double. The rumours say that recent news reports contain coded messages hinting at the truth. The clues are apparently revealed using acrostic techniques such as selecting every 3rd letter of allegations in The Sun newspaper and reading the Take-a-Break crossword clues backwards.

"As more and more evidence comes to light we are building up a better picture of what really happened to Heather Mills and the true identity of her replacement," said Geraldine Billingsworth who runs the 'Tinfoil Hat' blog. "There is loads of stuff in that interview where she takes her false leg off. If you play it backwards."

Conspiracy theorists say that they have so far determined that Ms Mills was involved in a road accident whilst using the pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road, St Johns Wood, London in the early hours of Wednesday, September 9th 2002. They say that her artificial leg became detached causing her to stumble into the path of a vintage Austin-Healey sports car whose driver had not realised the lights had changed. She was attended to at the scene but was pronounced dead at precisely 5am.

"The clues are all there if you know where to look and apply a little intuition and imagination," said Miss Billingsworth. "It is the only logical explanation as to how such an idyllic marriage of two such wonderful people, one the nicest Beatle, who have brought so much joy and support to the world, could have gone so wrong. It is not Heather Mills at all, but a doppelganger by the name of Billie Shears. "

A spokesman for Sir Paul McCartney said that the former Beatle was keen to clear the air to avoid any further damaging revelations in the media.

"Obviously Sir Paul was traumatised by the death of his beloved Heather. However the couple had also signed lots of contracts for photo shoots and the landmine campaigning was going very well, so we thought ‘lets just use a double again’," explained William Campbell speaking from the McCartney country estate in East Sussex. "It backfired when the model look-a-like realised a divorce would be a good way to get hold of some of that Beatles fortune. I guess we should have expected that this might happen, after all the double got all the money 40 years ago too!"

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