Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Irrational Want Laws Preventing Rude Comments On Their Peaceful Mumbo-Jumbo Or They’ll Burn Your Cat

Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today petitioned the United Nations in the hope of getting their irrational fantasies protected from people who may say something rude about them, such as it is all a load of made-up nonsense.

“Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as purple.”

The green colouring in the images, described at the time by the editor of “What Deity?” as “a printing error”, led to six days of rioting on three continents. Many Italian restaurants had to placate the mobs carrying huge pasta forks by promising to never use pesto in combination with pork on the third Thursday of the month unless it is the 5th serving.

“That was a terrible situation, and it was only thanks to the clarity of scripture and the love of the Great-Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty,” said Pastafarian Billiingsworth. “That and using large amounts of petrol and upturned busses. As endorsed by the second conclave of the Great Menu, may its service never be included.”

The followers of the Spaghetti Monster wish to have a UN declaration on “Saying anything uncomplimentary about things that can never be proven” and thus, by ratification of member states, a world-wide law making blasphemy, and the use of ketchup, illegal.

“There has been great theological debate over the years and it really is quite clear on this important point,” said Billingsworth on a pilgrimage to the holy site of the Spaghetti Trees in Italy. “His Sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, may only be represented in one of 134 shades of purple. The precise shade is still to be determined by leading Pastafarians. Anyone who says otherwise can only expect to be skewered and spun repeatedly before being sucked until dead, as per scripture, and we require this to be written in all nation’s laws or we start hurling the paving slabs again.”

However there are many in the rational world who believe that the credulous should not have any control over opinion, intellectual debate, or the representation of non-corporeal entities that are easily confused with fiction created to keep children in check.

“If they didn't like the genuine mistake of printing that spaghetti thing in green, they really aren't going to like the next issue,” said the editor of 'What Deity?'. “The centrefold is the spaghetti monster taking the figure of Justice up the wrong ’un whilst itself being fisted by the goddess of Enlightenment. And this time it’s in blue.”

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