Saturday, December 05, 2009

Tiger Woods plays around with 9 birdies

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump.

“For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.”

Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around.

“Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?”

The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he was helping her to swing better when he instructed her to “grip the shaft tightly”.

It seems that new opportunities are opening up for Elin Woods who famously wielded a 3 iron on the 14 time major winners car to, so the statement says, help free him from the wreckage. Mrs Woods is said to be launching a new range of Big Bertha clubs called the “Jaws of Life”.

As rumours circulate regarding the future of Woods' sponsorship deals his management team denied that he was to change his nickname from Tiger to Cheetah after the bust-up with his Swedish ex-model wife.

“It is also untrue that Mr Woods has been spotted in nightclubs around Norway as he tries to avoid the US media,” said his spokesman. “The last thing he wants is any more clubbing with Scandinavians.”

“More news is coming out all the time," added Billingsworth. "Which isn't surprising given his supreme touch in the light rough.”

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