MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary move of the commons’ chamber lending the British Virgin Islands proposals a great deal of cross-party support. The move would also bring closer those people most important to a constituency MP, his financial advisors.

"Moving the Houses of Commons to a new, purpose-built location will provide 21st century parliamentarians with the office-complex-cum-country-club that they need," said former Wales Secretary and cash enthusiast Peter Hain. "The weather out there would be good for my hard-working secretary - my 80 year old mum."

Those members of parliament thought of as the most conservative could see merit in the idea even if it means a break with tradition and a likelihood of increase costs at such a remote location.

"Whilst it often seems that the old ways are being swept away by the tide of change, we must always look to the future," said Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton. "Now that traditional dodges - such as having the public pay the notional rent on a flat in London that one has in trust for one’s children - have been found out, we need to look further afield for new opportunities."

Many political analysts see little downside in the move, saying that it represented a logical step in the modernisation of parliamentary practice.

"I think it would improve the quality and accessibility of parliament to move the commons 5,000 miles to the Caribbean," said Gavin Billingsworth, parliamentary sketch writer for the Daily Express. "You would get a lot more attendance and quality reporting of debates by journalists if they were held at a beach-front bar."

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.

"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."

The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.

"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."

The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.

"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."

The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.

"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."

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Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole.

“It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.”

The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to whether or not Ashley could keep going for the full 90 minutes and his commitment at both ends. Whilst he is renowned for his prowess at the back, there is likely to be some speculation as to the elevation he gets on his balls. Reports are likely to climax with his technique up front and his determination to keep probing, prodding and pressing to gain penetration of the box.

Mr Cole, who plays for a small team in the London area of Fulham, was said to be “normally completely confused by a mirror” and, having wasted over £16,000, his faith in loose, cheap women was shattered.

“Ashley is terrified as to how his wife is going to take these revelations, what with her violent past and being so deeply in love with their media image,” said a close pal. “But she is going to be most furious that the story has been broken by a tabloid rather than them selling an exclusive to a glossy magazine.”

Friends such as 'Hello' magazine and close family such as 'OK!' have inundated Mr Cole and his wife with messages of support and offers to help them help deal with such a trauma in their private lives via the seclusion of their centre pages.

“Ashley's mood has been lightened by all the support he has been getting,” said the pal. “He even had a smile on his face when he told us his phone had not stopped vibrating all day.”

Daily Express news article template leaked

There are red faces in Lower Thames Street today after the template for Daily Express news articles was leaked onto the internet from an unknown source. An internal investigation is believed to be under way and focussing on any journalist who has shown any pride in their work or expressed any fondness for traditions of good journalism.

The template (front page shown - click for larger image) contains not only the format but also suggested text as well as placement of adverts. Directions to the editorial staff are shown in square brackets ([ ]) and include references to holidays, further content and legal considerations.

“The template is believed to have been in use for sometime and was last updated this summer,” explained Costa Billingsworth, 17, Chief Media Analyst at consultancy Tornado Snail. “Given that the Express has an editorial policy review every 50 years or so we can expect more stories using this template for some time to come.”

Madeleine's child saving account found at Northern Rock

An exclusive story in today's Daily Express and The Mirror newspapers has revealed speculation of the shocking details of Madeleine McCann's savings which have finally been located in an account with troubled bank, Northern Rock.

The Daily Mail and Daily Star, which also exclusively carrying the story, agree that unnamed sources indicate the money, deposited by her parents, is held in a Select 120 account.

“It is a great relief to all of us in the media that this account has been found,” said Business Journalist Preston Billingsworth, whose exclusive opinion piece appears in both The Sun and The Times. “We know that the British public were as confused as us journalists about the current turmoil in financial markets. My colleagues are now relieved to be able to get back to speculating about the McCann's and missing Madeleine.”

Experts are said to be relieved that the turmoil in financial journalism has been overcome without any major loss of circulation, indeed a select few have managed to increase sales and viewing numbers by astute investment in sensational headlines.

“We whipped the public up into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy over Northern Rock, which I think was important since most of us did not understand anything that we were reporting about but a queue outside a branch speaks for itself,” explained Mr Billingsworth speaking exclusively to BBC News 24 and Sky News. “However now we can dovetail two excellent and heart-rending stories: the panic that Northern Rock savers have suffered and the fact that the McCann's would clearly be unable to join any such queue without being besieged by the press asking if they had murdered the financial system by burying her savings.”

Tomorrow all newspapers will exclusively reveal new speculation that residue from the seal of a Northern Rock automatic deposit envelope was found in the McCann's hire car 25 days after she went missing – which is 120 days from today and sources indicate that this is directly related to the notice period on her account.

Late surge in British news media holiday bookings for the Algarve

There has been a late surge in bookings by Britons seeking to extend their summer. Planes filled with ordinary working people from the BBC, Sky News and the nation's tabloid newspapers have headed off to try and grab a few extra days of sun-soaked reporting in Portugal.

“The last chance I had for a break in the sun was in May. We stayed for as long as we could afford, but we are just normal journalists, and we had to go back to the day job - writing about celebrity drug problems and David Cameron's hair,” said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News.

Increasingly as their standard of living increases many Britons are now able to enjoy two or more foreign breaks a year.

“We are very pleased that we have reached a position where we can go out to the Algarve again and extend the summer,” said Ms Billingsworth. “There were so many people that we talked to, for hours, that we hoped would become interesting and we are quite happy to interview again. And again.”

Like holidaymakers the world over, people form holiday friendships that don't last any longer than retrieving their luggage on the carousel at Gatwick.

“There was one couple in particular that nearly all of us spent a huge amount of time with,” explained Mary. “We took hundreds of photos of them and are trying as hard as possible to get in touch as everyone on the plane kept saying that they would soon be going away for a long time.”

The holidaymakers are concerned that their idyll in the sun may have been spoilt, now that this is the second season as the destination of choice for the average working member of the media with an expense account.

“When we first went, all those months ago, it was an undiscovered resort filled with tourists and the odd retired British Police Officer who everyone wanted to talk to. When we got here we were shocked as it has all changed. Some of the places for the media to stay outside the Police stations are just building sites. Everyone is wearing the same summer suits and brandishing microphones bearing British logos.” lamented Mary. “It's just like a little bit of England in the sun. For example, first thing in the morning you can easily get hold of the British newspaper reporters from the bar. Still we will just have to make what we can out of the situation, now that Big Brother has finished.”

Scientists disappointed by reaction to latest planetary discovery.

It has been revealed that the astronomical community has become dismayed at the level of coverage it is receiving in the mainstream media and highlights the dearth of coverage surrounding the latest breakthroughs in imaging the planet Uranus.

“Frankly we expected at least the Daily Star and The Sun to lead with some sort of pun regarding 'Rings around Uranus'” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Really it was quite disappointing. We made the discoveries in January, but held the announcement over to the quiet summer 'Silly Season' especially for the tabloids, but there wasn't even a mention.”

Scientists have long claimed that media interest in their progress focusses on their torturing of small defenceless animals, or perhaps Frankensteinian references to the latest batch of killer tomatoes rampaging across our countryside.

“Really, that is all we get nowadays. We have eradicated terrible diseases, extended life expectancy, brought the universe into our living rooms and enabled distant travel and communication to the common man,” said the Professor. “But know one cares. No one even giggles when we mention that 'fans will be able to see a marvellous full moon during the Rugby', or when we notify the amateur astronomer that they can use their telescopes at home to view 'a heavenly body such as Venus and her impressive globes'.”

Astronomers have employed marketing gurus and comedians expert in the use of the 'double entendre' to make their announcements as enticing as possible, but the media seems resolutely disinterested.

“We recently renamed a whole Nebula after a leading female pop star so that we could make capital out of the celestial features within, which was partly successful,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “The mainstream media ignored us as usual, but the Internet search engines went crazy for our images of Beyonce's Black Hole.”

Queen condemns paparazzi intrusion

Today, in a break with tradition, Her Majesty the Queen lashed out at the media and what she feels is the constant intrusion of press-pack and photographers into her life. Queen Elizabeth II is said to be the person who has had more photographs and other likenesses of her than any other person in human history but it seems that it may finally, after 55 years as monarch, be getting too much.

"Everywhere one goes, one is photographed." said the reigning monarch. "Sometimes we feel as though we live in the constant blindness of a seemingly infinite number of flashbulbs."

The Queen is said to be particularly unhappy about the trend within recent years for the press to want more candid images of her and less formal portraiture.

"The younger generations of the family seem to suffer it worse. However nowadays one can expect to see images of one paying for drinks in west end nightclubs and even paying for fares on the bus. I believe there is also one of me on Holiday. It can get somewhat tiresome".

Historically of course the establishment had a more "arms length" relationship with the press and back in the 1950s, when Her Majesty came to power, other areas of the print media were altogether more respectful. For example Buckingham Palace was easily able to get the Bank of Fleet Street‘s £5 note to commemorate Queen Elizabeth’s coronation changed to replace the originally planned topless image.

Dutch game show threatens UK lottery

Mandarins at the NHS have received the news that a new Dutch game show gives the winning contestant a life-changing kidney transplant with horror.

“Even if you ignore the obviously tasteless nature of this programme,” commented Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the Weatherfield NHS Trust. “The fact is that thousands of patients every year take part in the famous NHS 'postcode lottery' for their treatments.”

There are concerns that should shows such as the kidney transplant based ‘The Big Donor Show’ become as much as part of TV fabric as other Endemol reality productions, such as Big Brother, have become in the UK then the NHS 'postcode lottery' could suffer the same fate as the football pools suffered with the introduction of the National Lottery.

“It is a proud British tradition that the standard of your care can be influenced by where you live and the local policies of a particular Trust.” said Sir Marmaduke. “This is one of the facets that make the NHS unique, and something that continually entertains tabloid reporters.”

Other concerns are around the selection procedure of the Dutch show, with the winning contestant being chosen by the terminally ill donor in a shallow “Blind Date” style character test.

“Patients don’t want tearful video pleadings from family members and messages from members of the public to decide their treatment. They get all that on visiting day,” explained Sir Marmaduke. “They prefer the modern NHS where their care is at the mercy of faceless bureaucrats and accountants applying cost - benefit analysis in a completely unfeeling manner.”

Media continues Algarve vigil

As the days pass the 24 hour news media becomes more and more concerned about the plight of their little viewers that have recently been tragically lost, or abducted by less sensational news sources.

Reporters are combing the Algarve, frantically searching for any story or rumour with which they can get a thousand words of speculation or 5 minutes to camera.

“It’s such an appalling tragedy. These poor little viewers are sitting at home knowing exactly what they need to know. “ said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News. “However for us here in Portugal, standing on street corners, we have a soap opera to create and no one, least of all the Portuguese Police are fuelling our speculation.”

Commentators throughout the Algarve are amazed that the local police are not scheduling their searches and investigations around the plight of the British journalists who have been separated from their offices and loved ones with only their expense accounts for company.

“We have a little blonde news ticker that scrolls across our screen. It needs to be looked after and given the care and attention it needs,” explained a tearful Ms Billingsworth. “One can only imagine the horror and frustration being experienced at our parent’s news desk.”

Indeed the frustration is causing many people to search frantically around for any sighting of a retired former British Police Officer in the area, or even just someone with a small child, who might be able to do a few minutes on camera and, if possible, burst into tears.

“We are doing everything we can to raise awareness of our coverage. We have big graphics teams searching out new pictures to grotesquely splash across the screens in the hope of finding some new viewers. We are struggling though with the mindset that the local law enforcement officers are in fact a bunch of incompetent yokels who are new to policing.“

The topic of conversations, by the pools and in the bars of this otherwise quiet holiday resort that has become the centre of media activity, is the same - “When is the next news conference?”. There are desperate scenes as frantic reporters and distraught producers try to eke out five minutes, live on air, about a conversation with a shopper in a supermarket about how little speculation there has been.

News Organisations claim “Real life not real enough”

At a conference on the future of newsgathering, keynote speakers warned that the public is becoming increasingly sceptical about real world catastrophes as they become exposed to ever more sophisticated effects in film, television and computer games.

“It is a real challenge for the News Organisations around the world,“ explained Kate Billingsworth from BBC News. “It used to be that even the best Hollywood effects wouldn’t look quite right. But now computer graphics have reached a point were Alien spaceships can crash into Big Ben on your home computer and look much more believable than when the real thing happened a few months ago.”

The conference focussed on major events that have simply gone unnoticed by the public who believe them to be fakes.

“We get our news from TV and the Internet but the news imagery has to compete with other footage shown. So, when Ben Nevis erupted and the lava flow slowly engulfed part of Fort William it just did not engage the public’s imagination,“ continued Ms Billingsworth. “Many we have asked believed it was a trailer for an upcoming disaster movie. The fact that the same 30 second piece of footage is used over and over again just fits in with the pattern of a TV commercial. Perhaps if the lava had been a brighter red, or maybe if it had set fire to more of the highlands and certainly more of Fort William itself, people would have believed the video on the news was as real as it was.”

The problem is compounded by the cross-over between the news and the rest of the media. “News readers appear in movies announcing details of disasters or significant events all the time. They also appear on TV in whimsical celebrity dancing shows, “ she said. “We need to make it easier for the public to tell fiction from reality”.

The conference announced it was to petition the government for the introduction of “This is real life“ signs containing the current date and time to be placed at every site of natural, political, cultural or economic significance. This would enable quick and easy identification of the authenticity of the event in the public’s imagination.

Other events that have been dismissed as hoaxes or attributed to a computer game have been the aborted invasion of Anglesey by the Argentine Navy, the repeated damage wrought to Tokyo by Godzilla and a recent English rugby victory over South Africa.

Princess Diana found Alive

In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Princess Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper.

Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true.

"Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her."

Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories

"When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," said a tearful, doe-eyed princess, speaking exclusively to the Daily Express. "However after a few months I realised that I just needed that oxygen of publicity again."

Under the pseudonym of Diana Spencer, she said she was able to get a job and pass the checking of not just the personnel procedures but the rigorous investigative analysis of her Express journalist colleagues.

“We just never suspected that Diana, was well Diana,” explained Rhys Billingsworth, Daily Express Chief Researcher . “I guess we have been focussing too much on how MI6, in collaboration with Masonic Vampires, killed her to see the truth as obvious as it was.”

"I was able to subtly plant some stories about myself, not too many, just a few to keep the headlines going. I was careful not to overdo it, " said the Princess. "I think I was only on the front page of the Express 46 times last year."

Diana said that in some ways she was relieved that the truth had come out, but also pleased that she can leave a legacy of higher journalistic standards.

"You know, before the crash, the paper was filled with paparazzi photos, but in my time on the news desk I was able to change that, now they only use ad-hoc photos from freelance photographers."

You can read more about Diana’s amazing story, each and every day in the Daily Express.

Desperation at UK airports

Most UK airports were filled with desperate news reporters tryng to turn the recent bout of fog into screaming and tearful human interest stories.

"I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace."

"The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else".

"I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here."

An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought back the tears "Damn Britain for being a bloody island and having various means of transport. I mean it all makes sense and is so unfair. The bloody fog has come a few days too early to really impact Christmas. And if it does carry on well no one will be interested. Does no one care about my Christmas?"

"One family had a connecting flight cancelled, and they were going on about their Christmas presents being in the luggage, that sounded promising - I was sure I could get the kids to cry, but it turned out that their suitcases were just waiting at a different terminal in the same airport. They just don't care about us ordinary reporters. They don't care about my news reports being delayed or lost, or my promotion being cancelled."

Ms Billingsworth's mood cheered when it became apparent that BA's website was struggling to cope with the load of enquiries and there were also delays in answering the emergency helpline.
"Shame it was only the website that crashed, but this could still be great. I just need to get someone to burst into tears at the Internet cafe, hopefully who has an ill grand mother, and it might be a good Christmas after all. "

Bird Flu “Devastates sub-editor population”

The Great British public has now developed a natural immunity to stories about H5N1 - the Bird Flu virus. So deadly has this inoculation become that there has been devastation across the news desks of media organisations. Spreading in the opposite direction to the over hyped disease has been a dearth of opportunities for headlines, stories and news reports from masked journalists. This wave of despair has travelled from the west of Europe towards the Far East.

The inoculation has been carried by a migration of experience, science and common sense as the pandemic failed to materialise as each month passed. Realisation that more people die from falling over in the UK each year than have ever been diagnosed with Bird Flu in the entire world has provided the relief from the symptoms of media induced paranoia the country was under.

Advertising executives too are suffering as even scurrilous throat lozenge advertising involving sneezing birds has been unable to scare the population into a frenzy of Bird Flu story dependency.
Scenes of the devastation are prevalent in many major cities: dead newspapers filled with virulent hyperbole pile up in boarded doorways; news websites are unable to send e-mails of coughing, wheezing stories to uninterested friends of readers; journalists stand forlornly, live, outside a job centre near you.

“It really has been devastating,” bemoaned Janet Billingsworth of the Union of Health Correspondents, “we had amassed a huge stockpile of stories. We had a lot of pseudo medical advertising on 24-hour standby to be run at any moment. We can only hope that it doesn’t spread fully into the East Asian market - our sponsors have ten billion sachets of lemon flavoured aspirin to dispose of.”

Association of Interviewers admits to new LAZI policy

Today, Jeff Billingsworth, general secretary of the Television Interviewer and Talkshow Society admitted that its members had adopted a standard policy known as Leading and Zero Interruption for questioning their subjects.

"In today’s fast paced media world, our members have to get their soundbites in at the first attempt before the next advert break, weather report or shameless book plug."
A leaked memo reveals the policy is in fact a simple matter of forcing both the topic of conversation and the answer into a single thirty second response from the interviewee using a standard set of opening gambits. These include "How important was …", "How devastating has …" "How angry are you …" or the more tabloid "How gutted are you … "

Mr Billingsworth was unrepentant about the policy. "In the past journalists had degrees and years of experience in their subject matter. Nowadays our members are reality TV stars cum chat show hosts or retired sportsmen. They can’t be expected to learn the craft and so we devised the easy to use LAZI system for them".

The leaked memo reveals that the policy is being tested in the area of sports and if proven successful will be rolled out to other forms of interviewing. The trial is being lead by Hazel Irvine who, media watchers observed, based the whole of her Ryder Cup coverage on LAZI interviewing.