Friday, July 30, 2010

Senator Menendez discovers “not everywhere is in these here United States?”

Friends and relatives of Senator Robert “Tex” Menendez were said to be by his bedside as he recovered from the news that not everywhere in the world was in the United States.

“I say I was powerful taken aback to discover that there are countries outside of the US, I say outside of the US,” said Tex Menendez, yesterday. “Our founding fathers must have invented other countries in 1776. May God bless them.”

Senator Menendez was said to have spent the day studying his Globe of the USA after it was broken to him that not only was Scotland part of the United Kingdom it was not part of the United States.

“I rode down the corridors of the capitol trying to find the Senator for Scotland. I was figured on a meeting with him and sort this out over some fine sipping whisky,” said Tex Menendez. “But there was just no fixing post to tie my horse for Scotland, I say no post to tie my horse to. Do you hear me boy?”

The news that Scottish and UK officials were not elected by US citizens was broken to the Senator during the after dinner banquet of Beans ‘n Grit following the state opening of the national rodeo on the White House lawn.

“It seems that when the founding fathers of these here United States invented democracy in 1776 they gave it to the people of Scotland, which isn’t in Canada. I say it’s not in Canada,” said Tex during a break in the square dancing. “Although it turns out Nova Scotia is. Hot diggity.”

The Senator has offered to send other people outside of the US “to Great Britain and Scotland”, which is in Great Britain,, apparently, in a desperate bid to encourage ministers and MPs of another sovereign nation to testify before the US’s “World Series Senate Inquiry” into the Lockerbie bombing. However he was shocked when all invitations where turned down.

“I say it is powerful frustrating to be ignored like this, but it has given me an insight into why the US doesn’t sign up to the International Criminal Court, I say Criminal. Or indeed why we here in God’s country won’t give evidence in friendly-fire enquiries,” said Tex. “It would mean leaving the US. Gosh-darn-it! Yee Haw!”

Asked if he now felt his Senate Inquiry into the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi was now dead, the Senator insisted there was still vital work to be done.

“No, the inquiry is not dead at all, it is just sleeping, I say sleeping. You just leave its room exactly as it is. Don’t change anything. It will be back soon, I say soon,” said Tex shooting his revolvers into the air. “It is very much alive, just like Ali al-Megrahi.”

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Candid Cameron “Love me, love my New History"

The British Prime Minister today insisted that his recent diplomatic tour was a triumph for his “new politics” and not the blunderings of a drunk toddler.

“This is New History, that complements perfectly the New Politics and the New Mathematics that my government is championing,” said Mr Cameron on the final leg of his tour. “It is a decisive break from the past and so called facts.”

Mr Cameron was responding to criticism of his recent comments regarding the role of Britain in 1940, the situation in Gaza and the propensity of jihadis to always seem to have been trained in Pakistan.

“Clearly Britain was a junior partner to the US in 1940, look at the economic growth figures,” said Dave. “It’s all very nice single-handedly defending freedom around the world, but it didn’t have as good an impact on GDP as the American’s approach of selling us loads of stuff.”

Mr Cameron elaborated that the core principle of New History was to ensure that you spoke directly to the immediate audience and told them exactly what you think will please them.

“It is important for me to say something bad about Pakistan when I am standing next to the Prime Minister of a country that has fought 4 wars against the country,” said Candid Cameron at a press conference in India. “A core principle of New History is that everyone around me thinks I am great- which is why I said only yesterday that whenever I phone my bank I insist on being put through to an offshore call centre.”

Mr Cameron announced further stops on his world tour. He said that he plans to stop over at the Vatican to emphasise to the Roman Catholic church that the great renaissance art of the New History clearly emphasised just how excitingly irresistible young choirboys bottoms are.

“I plan to return to the US, before I head back to Britain to tell you everything is shit,” said New Dave. “I forgot to tell the American people that everyone over 25 stone is in fact big-boned.”