Sunday, March 29, 2009

MPs to be provided list of porn films they can claim for on expenses

An urgent review is being undertaken into the process for MPs expenses following the news that the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claimed reimbursement for "Additional Features" on her Virgin Media bill that are a euphemism for adult movies.

"What could be worse for a feminist Labour politician than to be caught claiming expenses for blue movies?" said a party insider. "One of them is believed to be a video of Mrs Thatcher’s party conference speech of 1980."

With the ongoing furore over expenses becoming ever more ardent, Ms Smith is said to feel great relief from fellow cabinet members coming to hand and pledging to stand firm with her.

"I, like my fellow MPs, don’t know which pornography we can claim for and which we cannot," said Foreign Secretary David Miliband

"This is why we are having a review. The system needs to be more transparent so that we know what the taxpayer will pay on behalf of their upstanding members."

Friends say that Ms Smith was livid and that her husband - who was alone at the family home that she claims as her second home at the time that the films were viewed - had been given a really hard time after he came clean. They say she has no plans to give him a hard time at home in future and thus the cable TV subscription provides a firm business need.

"It was a genuine mistake, I thought I was signing a legal declaration for claiming legitimate expenses: such as my very nice new kitchen sink, my lovely new fireplace, some splendid coal to burn in it and my Internet connection," said Ms Smith. "You can get all sorts of high quality pornography through that for free."

Friends say that Ms Smith is still the head of her second home that she shares with her family, as opposed to her first home which she shares with her sister.

"When it comes to who wears the trousers, Jacqui is adamant it is her, since they are less frequently found around her ankles," said a close family friend. "She is very upset as not only did she not see the adult movies in question the public still think of her as a wanker over her expenses claims."

The Ombudsman is said to be investigating in detail all MPs’ itemised expenses claims and in particular the large expenditure on tissues.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Jade versus Diana - The popular posthumous Princesses

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season.

Jade Goody "Essex Princess":-
The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough?

"People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that our planning was wrong – that the tribute edition had gone too early – before she had actually died," said publicist Clifford Billingsworth. "But we have to stick with what we know – photos of her before she lost weight, after she put it back on again and wearing a headscarf, We think the funeral will be big for us."

The team acknowledges that the champion, who has defended her title successfully for a dozen years, has a huge advantage in what many believe is a two horse race.

"Diana is a true competitor, but you know maybe she is a bit past her prime – having died in 1997. We are younger and we think that we can make use of the web and mobile media to flog our filly," said Billingsworth.

Diana, Princess of Wales:-
The undisputed champion of the tabloids, and self styled Princess of Hearts, has been raking in column inches for decades. Such an ever present daily fixture it is difficult to believe that she has been dead for nearly 12 years - and indeed many people don’t. Her team, led by the Daily Express, knows that the "Essex Princess" could give them a run for their money and is not resting on its laurels.

"Goody is a stiff competitor but our girl isn’t dead and buried, according to conspiracy theories we haven’t printed. Yet. We think OK! may have gone early but not all of the stories about Diana being pregnant have been made up. Yet," said Express owner Richard Desmond. "It’s the People’s Princess’s title, and Goody has to wrench it from our cold, dead hands."

The Daily Express – the World’s Greatest newspaper set in 1950 – is so ebullient it is worried about collateral damage.

"If we launch a complete Diana bombardment we can carpet bomb the media," said Desmond. "However we are worried we won’t have space for our usual tirade of racism and kicking the McCanns."

Other players
Professional Wedding Attendee Elton John:-
Elton John was a friend of both Princesses. There has been no comment on rumours that John, famous for both weddings and funerals, will turn his hand to a singing career. Key to tabloid competition, John having headlined Diana’s funeral will mean Goody’s corner will be keen to get the gay stereotype in front of the cameras. Not dead.

Evil fiend Sir Fred Goodwin:-
Could act as a spoiler. Neither a princess, nor popular, he is the newly crowned face of the Credit Crunch and has landed the role of a soap opera villain as a shorthand for thirsty editors who don’t understand the financial crisis. Could rob the main contenders of valuable exposure. And the public of huge amounts of cash. Not dead, yet.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Newspaper condemns Dunblane shooting survivors for turning into normal teenagers

The nation is still trying to absorb the shocking revelation from the Sunday Express that the surviving schoolchildren from the Dunblane massacre in 1996 have grown up into annoying, foul-mouthed, lustful teenagers - just like millions of their peers.

"Their web pages, blogs and so on are filled with swearing, stories of drinking and even sex," said Harry Billingsworth former high-profile Donkey Porn star who has recently admitted to being a journalist at Express newspapers. "They are filled with things that you would not want your wife, or your servants, to read."

The Sunday Express – the World's Greatest Newspaper set in the 1950s – highlighted how several of the children have not spent every waking moment of the last thirteen years waking screaming from nightmares, pining for lost ones nor writing angst ridden poetry of the loss of their childhood friends. Indeed the newspaper's findings reveal that they are interested in the same things that every other teenager is – feeling each others bits, cheap cider and avoiding soap.

"How dare they grow up to be normal? They should be riddled with the tragedy that they lived through in the mid-90s, which should shape the rest of their lives," said the Express journalist. "Yet nowhere, on any of their MySpace pages, are there endless eulogies to the People's Princess of Hearts, Saint Diana of Wales, which is, of course, what Internet publishing is for."

The article highlights how the survivors of that tragic day have blossomed into young adults without paying any regard to others who may not have recovered so well from the days of the terrible shootings in Dunblane Primary School.

"Do these people have no memories of the hardworking journalists who door-stepped the local community at the time of the tragedy and adorned their stories with photos of tearful families? Who went to the trouble of making an entry on my calendar for a ‘now they are adults’ piece thirteen years in advance?" asked Billingsworth. "It is sickening to be confronted by this wanton display of normality when I have been struggling for years for an award winning human interest story and have only the wonderful memory of Diana to fill in the gaps between loan shark advertising and racist scaremongering?"

Friday, March 13, 2009

One Manchester United fan punched, several million waiting in trepidation

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat.

"We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time."

The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992.

"United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since the game was invented in July 1991."

A look through the Sky Sports Football Almanac will confirm that Manchester United indeed hold a pre-eminent place in the statistics, since records began in August 1991.

"United have won both the FIFA Most Unspeakable Shit Award and UEFA Award for Despicable Cheating in 2008 and the Football Writers Award for Thuggery and Stamping on no fewer than five occasions since the football universe blinked into existence in that glorious summer of ‘91" said Billingsworth. "Indeed even the Players’ Diver of Year award has gone to men from United nine times in football history. No, wait, two of them were from somewhere called Newcastle."

Police say that such an assault on a Manchester United fan could happen anywhere in Britain as they are as likely to live in Milton Keynes or Orpington as anywhere else. However they stress that they are held with singular esteem by rival football fans.

"When there is a funeral of a United fan in places such as Eastbourne or Exeter, they are well attended," said the spokesman. "Often fans of local clubs will comment that Manchester United fans are alright, deep down."

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Investigation into incident involving custard thrown into face of Lord Mandelson asks “Why not hammers?”

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson.

"We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?"

The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack.

"The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?"

Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport.

"I would have gone for an angry badger myself. They can be vicious little bastards," said a spokesman for Greenpeace. "Of course they need to be protected, we wouldn’t want one of them to be bitten by Mandelson."

The police are also investigating the ease with which Ms Deen was able to avoid security and approach Lord Mandelson.

"She seems to have had plenty of time to enact her plan, which means she could have had an accomplice, " said Billingsworth. "If that is the case, why not throw a big tub of honey over him and a box of angry bees?"

Insiders in the New Labour Party are now debating as to whether this very public humiliation will in anyway damage his position within the cabinet. One senior party member who did not wish to be identified commented: "Well there is something of the shite about him."

Following news that Lord Mandelson has complained of "slight" facial irritation the Police are re-analysing the green custard itself.

"It turns out that the custard was made with whole milk," said Billingsworth. "We are hopeful that Lord Mandelson is lactose intolerant."

Monday, March 02, 2009

Marauding hordes of Scottish children to be given an extra four years of criminal learning

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry.

"For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life."

The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region.

"After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them in great demand as mercenaries and child soldiers," said a spokesman for Visit Scotland. "Certainly a Scottish 9 year old with the rage will make even a battle-hardened Taliban fighter run like a wee lassie."

The Scottish government said that the increase in the age of criminal responsibility was part of a package of measures aimed at bringing civilisation to Scotland.

"We are also introducing minimum prices for alcohol because at some point the English taxpayers are going to realise that paying for millions of unintelligible, hate-filled, drunken barbarians is not quite as endearing as they thought," said McBillingsworth. "They might question if it is really a cultural asset to be continually berated over representation whilst the UK political parties are stuffed with angry Scotsmen."

The raising of the age at which Scottish children can be caged as animals has brought condemnation from south of the border, particularly from neighbouring English councils that will now have to face the onslaught of gangs of marauding Scottish ten year olds who would otherwise have been locked up.

"We might have to rebuild Hadrian’s wall. And electrify it," said a councillor from deep within Berwick-upon-Tweed council’s emergency bunker. "Have you seen a Scottish playground? It’s like a scene from a zombie movie. I don’t know if the budget will stretch to machine gun outposts. Don’t open that can of Irn-Bru, it attracts them! Oh Jesus."

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