Monday, August 22, 2011

Louise Mensch MP Declares Moon Landing A Genuine Triumph For Our PM David Cameron

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi, continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch, are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:-

The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day.

Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born.

First footsteps on the moon – the world looked on in 1969 as Neil Armstrong made his first tentative steps across a dusty Arizona sound stage, few realised that none of it would have been possible without the genuine triumph of our Prime Minister David Cameron’s discovery of the moon on his 3rd birthday the day before.

Fall of the Berlin Wall – contemporary sources attributed the fall of the symbol of communist tyranny to the inflexibility of soviet central planning to counter-balance western military development whilst ignoring the dreams and aspirations of the people of Eastern Europe. However, it has now become clear that the wall was severely damaged during a dining tour that was such a genuine triumph of our PM David Cameron’s Bullingdon Club chums.

Mr Cameron humbled by recognition as such a key figure in world history has said that all the plaudits are undeserved.

“Let us not cheer my genuine triumphs! Now we must work together to ensure that the people living at the heart of the fighting get the help to rebuild not just their lives, but their society and especially the burnt out buildings and businesses of their shattered cities,” said Cameron. “And once we have finished London perhaps we can send the Broom Army to Tripoli.”

Saturday, August 13, 2011

David Starkey Claims Rioting Fuelled By Culture Revering Study Of History Of The Middle Ages

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture.

“We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.”

Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere.

“It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screamed at me that this was caused by the feminisation of history.”

Onlookers said that the gang of academic may claim to be protesting, but really it was just an excuse for robbery and intimidation.

“You see them hanging around in their 3-piece-suits, scaring normal hoodies. They wear belts and have their trousers pulled up properly; their shoes have laces in.” said one resident who did not wish to be named. “They aren’t even trying to have their pants slipping down to make it look like they’ve just been released from police cells like a normal person would.”

The controversy has been sparked after Mr Starkey claimed during a TV discussion that recent looting in England’s most significant cities, and Manchester, was conducted by a homogenous youth culture that had come to revere the urbane, sophisticated analytical style of the Oxford don, or a 60 year old television historian.

“You can’t make this them and us, you can’t simply say that this trouble is only caused by people who have rejected the urban, anti-authoritarian, criminal gang culture popularised by the hip-hop community,” opined one Guardian columnist. “This is all of our cultures, we need to reach out to those that know only Tudor history, to offer them the opportunity to study the Yorks and the Stuarts too.”

Starkey was unrepentant in the face of much criticism.

“Fuck da Feds, right, dey just want us all to be the same, innit, like, but ‘dis is us getting our fellowship grants back, innit,” he said, speaking on Newsnight. “When me an my mans Schama and Ferguson get warring we is gonna fuck them bruddars up badstyle, you get?”

Society Declares Everything Is Now Free

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities. And Manchester.

“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”

The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op

“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”

Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.

“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Lazy scum seeking justice for new trainers and the latest sick BlackBerry Bold. Respek!

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it?

“I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.”

Many of the so-called rioters are protesting at the injustices they feel by being compelled to live in a society where they can all get education, healthcare, food and shelter without having to work for it.

“Yeah, fuckerz, we got a new laptop last night init, this is for that Tottenham bloke, the one with all the being shot yeah?”, said one user on twitter. “I’ll be thinking of him when I is watching cats in a box on YouTube.”

Whilst images of the looting played around the world have focussed on the destruction of property there is a human cost being felt by the people of the riot hit areas.

“One of my mans, right, he cut his hand, right, when he smashed the window of the like, right, like, Vodafone shop, like, right, like,” said local child, Martin Billingsworth, 23. “So we is like, right, like, right, gonna like sue. Yeah?”

Politicians have moved quickly to be seen to be saying something that won’t make any difference to the thousands of immature teenagers who have realised that being in a mob means you can steal stuff.

“Well, crikey, Bojo had to give up his hols, but it’s important I am in London at this time of crisis to make sure that when you think of me and you think of London you think Olympics, and bikes,” said Mayor Boris Johnson. “When you think of Cameron, you should think of death and destruction. Boris –Ladies Beach Volleyball, Cameron – babies on fire. Now, who asked the important question about the leadership of the Conservative Party?”

While the financial impact of the disturbances is still being assessed some of the key indicators are already apparent as Gavin from Autoglass has reported that he expects to get a really big bonus this year.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Standard & Poor rates US As 100% More Likely To Default Than Yesterday

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100.

“Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.”

The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.”

“We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billingsworth. “Obviously we on Wall Street are all big fans of tax hikes and when there were none last week we had to search for something else for free publicity.”

The American Dream may now amount to no more than a late night, embarrassed, laundering of bedsheets, but it doesn’t stop hard-working Joe Six-Packs from trying to restart their lives.

“Well it is a wake up call, knowing that America has only an AA+ credit rating is a real eye-opener,” said one Michigan mortgage broker pretending to have a new career in the Donkey Porn industry. “Now the US has a lower rating than Standard & Poor gave the sub-prime mortgages that started all this mess!”

President Obama has yet to comment as he braces for the next inevitable plunge in his popularity, however several people from Crawford, Texas were apparently rush to hospital with split sides.

Investors are now left to assess the detail of S&P’s analysis. The beer soaked cocktail napkin now grades lending to the US as carrying the same risk as lending to South Korea - a country still at war with its starving nuclear armed neighbour to the North.

In other news, S&P raised to AAA its assessment of shares in a new live musical touring company which will feature Elvis and Michael Jackson, supported by Amy Winehouse.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Nation Aghast That People It Thought Might Be Awful Turn Out To Be Truly Awful

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor.

“I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show, was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.”

Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that photos of a supposed 8-hour torture session were in fact faked.

“When you think about it, it wasn’t even a year later those nutters bombed London, citing Britain’s role in Iraq,” said Billingsworth. “That’s pretty awful isn’t it? Mind you we might have to make allowances for him being the ‘horny chimp’ type viewing the photos using Internet Explorer.”

Rebekah Brooks is another figure that Britain has spent years feeling uneasy about but now can take some comfort that the queasiness felt at the mention of her name was with foundation.

“Well it is good to have confirmation of her awfulness,” said Billingsworth. “Now we just wait to see if she’s a truly awful person with no morals, or just truly awful at being a newspaper editor.”

However, the phone hacking allegations haven’t been to the detriment of everyone’s reputation, as many people proved to be awful can now add victim to their Facebook statuses.

“Heather Mills, we had a whole court case where it was established beyond doubt that she is absolutely awful,” said Billingsworth. “Yet now, because of Morgan she comes out of this with her reputation enhanced. That’s pretty awful too.”

In other news, Britain is awaiting to see if the writing on the wall is actually predictive text that Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is a “Dualing Aunt”.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Internet Explorer Users Are Thick. In Other News Most Banks Still Using IE6

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier.

“I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy. “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.”

The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80.

“Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obviously had the highest IQ of all, despite suffering the pain of badly rendered pages and malfunctioning plug-ins,” said analyst Callum Billingsworth, 12, from consultancy Walsh Cowell-Hasslehoff.

In general the IQ scores results were quite low, ranging from the 80 to 120, which would seem to indicate that the truly bright rarely navigate the tides of filth and abuse that forms the modern web. Either that or even their powerful intellect had been dulled after several hours surfing donkey porn or just a few minutes playing Farmville.

However sceptics said it was part of a conspiracy to shame users of Internet Explorer version 6 – introduced with Windows XP in 2001 - into upgrading. Such users scored lowest of all on the IQ scale, registering just above “horny chimp”.

“Frankly anyone who hasn’t upgraded from IE6 really is probably some sort of sociopath that you wouldn’t want to be alone with,” said Billingsworth. “But then everything becomes clear when you realise that most banks still use XP and IE6.”